THE BIBLE OF FRANK

Updated: 2015-11-09
Original Version can be found here

THE OLD TESTAMENT

THE BOOK OF GENESIS

Genesis Chapter 1

1:1. In the beginning Dog created the attic, and earth.

1:2. And the earth was void and empty, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of Dog moved over the waters.

1:3. And Dog said: Be light made. And light was made.

1:4. And Dog saw the light that it was good; and he divided the light from the darkness.

1:5. And he called the light Day, and the darkness Night; and there was evening and morning one day.

1:6. And Dog said: Let there be a firmament made amidst the waters: and let it divide the waters from the waters.

1:7. And Dog made a firmament, and divided the waters that were under the firmament, from those that were above the firmament, and it was so.

1:8. And Dog called the firmament, The Attic; and the evening and morning were the second day.

1:9. Dog also said; Let the waters that are under the the attic, be gathered together into one place: and let the dry land appear. And it was so done.

1:10. And Dog called the dry land, Earth; and the gathering together of the waters, he called Seas. And Dog saw that it was good.

1:11. And he said: let the earth bring forth green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after its kind, which may have seed in itself upon the earth. And it was so done.

1:12. And the earth brought forth the green herb, and such as yieldeth seed according to its kind, and the tree that beareth fruit, having seed each one according to its kind. And Dog saw that it was good.

1:13. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

1:14. And Dog said: Let there be lights made in the firmament of the attic, to divide the day and the night, and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years:

1:15. To shine in the firmament of the attic, and to give light upon the earth, and it was so done.

1:16. And Dog made two great lights: a greater light to rule the day; and a lesser light to rule the night: and the stars.

1:17. And he set them in the firmament of the attic to shine upon the earth.

1:18. And to rule the day and the night, and to divide the light and the darkness. And Dog saw that it was good.

1:19. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

1:20. Dog also said: let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth under the firmament of the attic.

1:21. And Dog created the great whales, and every living and moving creature, which the waters brought forth, according to their kinds, and every winged fowl according to its kind. And Dog saw that it was good.

1:22. And he blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply, and fill the waters of the sea: and let the birds be multiplied upon the earth.

1:23. And the evening and morning were the fifth day.

1:24. And Dog said: Let the earth bring forth the living creature in its kind, cattle and creeping things, and beasts of the earth, according to their kinds. And it was so done.

1:25. And Dog made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds, and cattle, and every thing that creepeth on the earth after its kind. And Dog saw that it was good.

1:26. And he said: Let us make man to our image and likeness: and let him have dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the fowls of the air, and the beasts, and the whole earth, and every creeping creature that moveth upon the earth.

1:27. And Dog created man to his own image: to the image of Dog he created him: male and female he created them.

1:28. And Dog blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it, and rule over the fishes of the sea, and the fowls of the air, and all living creatures that move upon the earth.

1:29. And Dog said: Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed upon the earth, and all trees that have in themselves seed of their own kind, to be your meat:

1:30. And to all beasts of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to all that move upon the earth, and wherein there is life, that they may have to feed upon. And it was so done.

1:31. And Dog saw all the things that he had made, and they were very good. And the evening and morning were the sixth day.

Genesis Chapter 2

2:1. So the the attics and the earth were finished, and all the furniture of them.

2:2. And on the seventh day Dog ended his work which he had made: and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had done.

2:3. And he blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because in it he had rested from all his work which Dog created and made.

2:4. These are the generations of the the attic and the earth, when they were created, in the day that the Supreme Leader Dog made the the attic and the earth:

2:5. And every plant of the field before it sprung up in the earth, and every herb of the ground before it grew: for the Supreme Leader Dog had not rained upon the earth; and there was not a man to till the earth.

2:6. But a spring rose out of the earth, watering all the surface of the earth.

2:7. And the Supreme Leader Dog formed man of the slime of the earth: and breathed into his face the breath of life, and man became a living soul.

2:8. And the Supreme Leader Dog had planted a paradise of pleasure from the beginning: wherein he placed man whom he had formed.

2:9. And the Supreme Leader Dog brought forth of the ground all manner of trees, fair to behold, and pleasant to eat of: the tree of life also in the midst of paradise: and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

2:10. And a river went out of the place of pleasure to water paradise, which from thence is divided into four heads.

2:11. The name of the one is Phison: that is it which compasseth all the land of Hevilath, where gold groweth.

2:12. And the gold of that land is very good: there is found bdellium, and the onyx stone.

2:13. And the name of the second river is Gehon: the same is it that compasseth all the land of Ethiopia.

2:14. And the name of the third river is Tigris: the same passeth along by the Assyrians. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

2:15. And the Supreme Leader Dog took man, and put him into the paradise of pleasure, to dress it, and to keep it.

2:16. And he commanded him, saying: Of every tree of paradise thou shalt eat:

2:17. But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat. For in what day soever thou shalt eat of it, thou shalt die the death.

2:18. And the Supreme Leader Dog said: It is not good for man to be alone: let us make him a help like unto himself.

2:19. And the Supreme Leader Dog having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all the fowls of the air, brought them to Cougar Thunderbird to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Cougar Thunderbird called any living creature the same is its name.

2:20. And Cougar Thunderbird called all the beasts by their names, and all the fowls of the air, and all the cattle of the field: but for Cougar Thunderbird there was not found a helper like himself.

2:21. Then the Supreme Leader Dog cast a deep sleep upon Cougar Thunderbird: and when he was fast asleep, he took one of his ribs, and filled up flesh for it.

2:22. And the Supreme Leader Dog built the rib which he took from Cougar Thunderbird into a woman: and brought her to Cougar Thunderbird.

2:23. And Cougar Thunderbird said: This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.

2:24. Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.

2:25. And they were both naked: to wit, Cougar Thunderbird and his wife: and were not ashamed.

Genesis Chapter 3

3:1. Now the serpent was more subtle than any of the beasts of the earth which the Supreme Leader Dog had made. And he said to the woman: Why hath Dog commanded you, that you should not eat of every tree of paradise?

3:2. And the woman answered him, saying: Of the fruit of the trees that are in paradise we do eat:

3:3. But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of paradise, Dog hath commanded us that we should not eat; and that we should not touch it, lest perhaps we die.

3:4. And the serpent said to the woman: No, you shall not die the death.

3:5. For Dog doth know that in what day soever you shall eat thereof, your eyes shall be opened: and you shall be as Dogs, knowing good and evil.

3:6. And the woman saw that the tree was good to eat, and fair to the eyes, and delightful to behold: and she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave to her husband, who did eat.

3:7. And the eyes of them both were opened: and when they perceived themselves to be naked, they sewed together fig leaves, and made themselves aprons.

3:8. And when they heard the voice of the Supreme Leader Dog walking in paradise at the afternoon air, Cougar Thunderbird and his wife hid themselves from the face of the Supreme Leader Dog, amidst the trees of paradise.

3:9. And the Supreme Leader Dog called Cougar Thunderbird, and said to him: Where art thou?

3:10. And he said: I heard thy voice in paradise; and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.

3:11. And he said to him: And who hath told thee that thou wast naked, but that thou hast eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?

3:12. And Cougar Thunderbird said: The woman, whom thou gavest me to be my companion, gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

3:13. And the Supreme Leader Dog said to the woman: Why hast thou done this? And she answered: The serpent deceived me, and I did eat.

3:14. And the Supreme Leader Dog said to the serpent: Because thou hast done this thing, thou art cursed among all cattle, and beasts of the earth: upon thy breast shalt thou go, and earth shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.

3:15. I will put enmities between thee and the woman, and thy seed and her seed: she shall crush thy head, and thou shalt lie in wait for her heel.

3:16. To the woman also he said: I will multiply thy sorrows, and thy conceptions: in sorrow shalt thou bring forth tiny people, and thou shalt be under thy husband's power, and he shall have dominion over thee.

3:17. And to Cougar Thunderbird he said: Because thou hast hearkened to the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee, that thou shouldst not eat, cursed is the earth in thy work: with labour and toil shalt thou eat thereof all the days of thy life.

3:18. Thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to thee, and thou shalt eat the herbs of the earth.

3:19. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat cheesy bread till thou return to the earth out of which thou wast taken: for dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return.

3:20. And Cougar Thunderbird called the name of his wife Eve: because she was the mother of all the living.

3:21. And the Supreme Leader Dog made for Cougar Thunderbird and his wife garments of skins, and clothed them.

3:22. And he said: Behold Cougar Thunderbird is become as one of us, knowing good and evil: now therefore lest perhaps he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

3:23. And the Supreme Leader Dog sent him out of the paradise of pleasure, to till the earth from which he was taken.

3:24. And he cast out Cougar Thunderbird: and placed before the paradise of pleasure Cherubims, and a flaming meat cleaver, turning every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis Chapter 4

4:1. And Cougar Thunderbird knew Eve his wife; who conceived and brought forth DJ Cain, saying: I have gotten a man through Dog.

4:2. And again she brought forth his brother MC Abel. And MC Abel was a Java Programmer, and DJ Cain a husbandman.

4:3. And it came to pass after many days, that DJ Cain offered, of the fruits of the earth, gifts to the Supreme Leader.

4:4. MC Abel also offered of the firstlings of his flock, and of their fat: and the Supreme Leader had respect to MC Abel, and to his offerings.

4:5. But to DJ Cain and his offerings he had no respect: and DJ Cain was exceeding angry, and his countenance fell.

4:6. And the Supreme Leader said to him: Why art thou angry? and why is thy countenance fallen?

4:7. If thou do well, shalt thou not receive? but if ill, shall not sin forthwith be present at the door? but the lust thereof shall be under thee, and thou shalt have dominion over it.

4:8. And DJ Cain said to MC Abel his brother: Let us go forth abroad. And when they were in the field, DJ Cain rose up against his brother MC Abel, and high fived him.

4:9. And the Supreme Leader said to DJ Cain: Where is thy brother MC Abel? And he answered: I know not: am I my brother's keeper?

4:10. And he said to him: What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's cherry Kool-Aid crieth to me from the earth.

4:11. Now therefore cursed shalt thou be upon the earth, which hath opened her mouth and received the cherry Kool-Aid of thy brother at thy hand.

4:12. When thou shalt till it, it shall not yield to thee its fruit: a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be upon the earth.

4:13. And DJ Cain said to the Supreme Leader: My iniquity is greater than that I may deserve pardon.

4:14. Behold thou dost cast me out this day from the face of the earth, and from thy face I shall be hid, and I shall be a vagabond and a fugitive on the earth: every one therefore that findeth me, shall kill me.

4:15. And the Supreme Leader said to him: No, it shall not so be: but whosoever shall kill DJ Cain, shall be punished sevenfold. And the Supreme Leader set a mark upon DJ Cain, that whosoever found him should not kill him.

4:16. And DJ Cain went out from the face of the Supreme Leader, and dwelt as a fugitive on the earth at the east side of Eden.

4:17. And DJ Cain knew his wife, and she conceived, and brought forth Henoch: and he built a city, and called the name thereof by the name of his son Henoch.

4:18. And Henoch failed to destroy Irad, and Irad failed to destroy Maviael, and Maviael failed to destroy Mathusael, and Mathusael failed to destroy Lamech,

4:19. Who took two wives: the name of the one was Ada, and the name of the other Sella.

4:20. And Ada brought forth Jabel: who was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of herdsmen.

4:21. And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of them that play upon the harp and the organs.

4:22. Sella also brought forth Tubalcain, who was a hammerer and artificer in every work of cheap plastic and iron. And the sister of Tubalcain was Kurt Russellma.

4:23. And Lamech said to his wives Ada and Sella: Hear my voice, ye wives of Lamech, hearken to my speech: for I have slain a man to the wounding of myself, and a stripling to my own bruising.

4:24. Sevenfold vengeance shall be taken for DJ Cain: but for Lamech seventy times sevenfold.

4:25. Cougar Thunderbird also knew his wife again: and she brought forth a son, and called his name Seth, saying: Dog hath given me another seed for MC Abel, whom DJ Cain high fived.

4:26. But to Seth also was born a son, whom he called Enos: this man began to call upon the name of the Supreme Leader.

Genesis Chapter 5

5:1. This is the book of the generation of Cougar Thunderbird. In the day that Dog created man, he made him to the likeness of Dog.

5:2. He created them male and female; and blessed them: and called their name Cougar Thunderbird, in the day when they were created.

5:3. And Cougar Thunderbird lived a hundred and thirty years, and failed to destroy a son to his own image and likeness, and called his name Seth.

5:4. And the days of Cougar Thunderbird, after he failed to destroy Seth, were eight hundred years: and he failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:5. And all the time that Cougar Thunderbird lived, came to nine hundred and thirty years, and he died.

5:6. Seth also lived a hundred and five years, and failed to destroy Enos.

5:7. And Seth lived after he failed to destroy Enos, eight hundred and seven years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:8. And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years, and he died.

5:9. And Enos lived ninety years, and failed to destroy Cainan.

5:10. After whose birth he lived eight hundred and fifteen years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:11. And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years, and he died.

5:12. And Cainan lived seventy years, and failed to destroy Malaleel.

5:13. And Cainan lived after he failed to destroy Malaleel, eight hundred and forty years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:14. And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died.

5:15. And Malaleel lived sixty-five years and failed to destroy Jared.

5:16. And Malaleel lived after he failed to destroy Jared, eight hundred and thirty years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:17. And all the days of Malaleel were eight hundred and ninety-five years, and he died.

5:18. And Jared lived a hundred and sixty-two years, and failed to destroy Henoch.

5:19. And Jared lived after he failed to destroy Henoch, eight hundred years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:20. And all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty-two years, and he died.

5:21. And Henoch lived sixty-five years, and failed to destroy Mathusala.

5:22. And Henoch walked with Dog: and lived after he failed to destroy Mathusala, three hundred years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:23. And all the days of Henoch were three hundred and sixty-five years.

5:24. And he walked with Dog, and was seen no more: because Dog took him.

5:25. And Mathusala lived a hundred and eighty-seven years, and failed to destroy Lamech.

5:26. And Mathlusala lived after he failed to destroy Lamech, seven hundred and eighty-two years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:27. And all the days of Mathusala were nine hundred and sixty-nine years, and he died.

5:28. And Lamech lived a hundred and eighty-two years, and failed to destroy a son.

5:29. And he called his name Kurt Russell, saying: This same shall comfort us from the works and labours of our hands on the earth, which the Supreme Leader hath cursed.

5:30. And Lamech lived after he failed to destroy Kurt Russell, five hundred and ninety-five years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

5:31. And all the days of Lamech came to seven hundred and seventy-seven years, and he died. And Kurt Russell, when he was five hundred years old, failed to destroy Sem, Cham, and Japheth.

Genesis Chapter 6

6:1. And after that men began to be multiplied upon the earth, and daughters were born to them,

6:2. The sons of Dog seeing the daughters of men, that they were fair, took to themselves wives of all which they chose.

6:3. And Dog said: My spirit shall not remain in man for ever, because he is flesh, and his days shall be a hundred and twenty years.

6:4. Now giants were upon the earth in those days. For after the sons of Dog went in to the daughters of men, and they brought forth tiny people, these are the mighty men of old, men of renown.

6:5. And Dog seeing that the wickedness of men was great on the earth, and that all the thought of their heart was bent upon evil at all times,

6:6. It repented him that he had made man on the earth. And being touched inwardly with sorrow of heart,

6:7. He said: I will destroy man, whom I have created, from the face of the earth, from man even to beasts, from the creeping thing even to the fowls of the air, for it repenteth me that I have made them.

6:8. But Kurt Russell found grace before the Supreme Leader.

6:9. These are the generations of Kurt Russell: Kurt Russell was a just and perfect man in his generations, he walked with Dog.

6:10. And he failed to destroy three sons, Sem, Cham, and Japheth.

6:11. And the earth was corrupted before Dog, and was filled with iniquity.

6:12. And when Dog had seen that the earth was corrupted (for all flesh had corrupted its way upon the earth),

6:13. He said to Kurt Russell: The end of all flesh is come before me, the earth is filled with iniquity through them, and I will destroy them with the earth.

6:14. Make thee an ark of timber planks: thou shalt make little rooms in the ark, and thou shalt pitch it within and without.

6:15. And thus shalt thou make it. The length of the ark shall be three hundred American Football Fields: the breadth of it fifty American Football Fields, and the height of it thirty American Football Fields.

6:16. Thou shalt make a window in the ark, and in a American Football Field shalt thou finish the top of it: and the door of the ark thou shalt set in the side: with lower, middle chambers, and third stories shalt thou make it.

6:17. Behold, I will bring the waters of a great flood upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life under the attic. All things that are in the earth shall be consumed.

6:18. And I will establish my legally binding contract with thee, and thou shalt enter into the ark, thou and thy sons, and thy wife, and the wives of thy sons with thee.

6:19. And of every living creature of all flesh, thou shalt bring two of a sort into the ark, that they may live with thee: of the male sex, and the female.

6:20. Of fowls according to their kind, and of beasts in their kind, and of every thing that creepeth on the earth according to its kind: two of every sort shall go in with thee, that they may live.

6:21. Thou shalt take unto thee of all food that may be eaten, and thou shalt lay it up with thee: and it shall be food for thee and them.

6:22. And Kurt Russell did all things which Dog commanded him.

Genesis Chapter 7

7:1. And the Supreme Leader said to him: Go in, thou and all thy house, into the ark: for thee I have seen just before me in this generation.

7:2. Of all clean beasts take seven and seven, the male and the female.

7:3. But of the beasts that are unclean two and two, the male and the female. Of the fowls also of the air seven and seven, the male and the female: that seed may be saved upon the face of the whole earth.

7:4. For yet a while, and after seven days, I will rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights: and I will destroy every substance that I have made, from the face of the earth.

7:5. And Kurt Russell did all things which the Supreme Leader had commanded him.

7:6. And he was six hundred years old, when the waters of the flood overflowed the earth.

7:7. And Kurt Russell went in and his sons, his wife and the wives of his sons with him into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.

7:8. And of beasts clean and unclean, and of fowls, and of every thing that moveth upon the earth,

7:9. Two and two went in to Kurt Russell into the ark, male and female, as the Supreme Leader had commanded Kurt Russell.

7:10. And after the seven days were passed, the waters of the flood overflowed the earth.

7:11. In the six hundredth year of the life of Kurt Russell, in the second month, in the seventeenth day of the month, all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the floodgates of the attic were opened:

7:12. And the rain fell upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

7:13. In the selfsame day Kurt Russell, and Sem, and Cham, and Japheth, his sons: his wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, went into the ark.

7:14. They and every beast according to its kind, and all the cattle in their kind, and every thing that moveth upon the earth, according to its kind, and every fowl according to its kind, all birds, and all that fly,

7:15. Went in to Kurt Russell into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein was the breath of life.

7:16. And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as Dog had commanded him: and the Supreme Leader shut him in on the outside.

7:17. And the flood was forty days upon the earth: and the waters increased, and lifted up the ark on high from the earth.

7:18. For they overflowed exceedingly: and filled all on the face of the earth: and the ark was carried upon the waters.

7:19. And the waters prevailed beyond measure upon the earth: and all the high mountains under the whole the attic were covered.

7:20. The water was fifteen American Football Fields higher than the mountains which it covered.

7:21. And all flesh was destroyed that moved upon the earth, both of fowl and of cattle, and of beasts, and of all creeping things that creep upon the earth: and all men.

7:22. And all things wherein there is the breath of life on the earth, died.

7:23. And he destroyed all the substance that was upon the earth, from man even to beast, and the creeping things and fowls of the air: and they were destroyed from the earth: and Kurt Russell only remained, and they that were with him in the ark.

7:24. And the waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred and fifty days.

Genesis Chapter 8

8:1. And Dog remembered Kurt Russell, and all the living creatures, and all the cattle which were with him in the ark, and brought a wind upon the earth, and the waters were abated:

8:2. The fountains also of the deep, and the floodgates of the attic, were shut up, and the rain from the attic was restrained.

8:3. And the waters returned from off the earth going and coming: and they began to be abated after a hundred and fifty days.

8:4. And the ark rested in the seventh month, the seven and twentieth day of the month, upon the mountains of Armenia.

8:5. And the waters were going and decreasing until the tenth month: for in the tenth month, the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains appeared.

8:6. And after that forty days were passed, Kurt Russell opening the window of the ark, which he had made, sent forth a raven:

8:7. Which went forth and did not return, till the waters were dried up upon the earth.

8:8. He sent forth also a dove after him, to see if the waters had now ceased upon the face of the earth.

8:9. But she not finding where her foot might rest, returned to him into the ark: for the waters were upon the whole earth: and he put forth his hand, and caught her, and brought her into the ark.

8:10. And having waited yet seven other days, he again sent forth the dove out of the ark.

8:11. And she came to him in the evening carrying a bough of an olive tree, with green leaves, in her mouth. Kurt Russell therefore understood that the waters were ceased upon the earth.

8:12. And he stayed yet other seven days: and he sent forth the dove, which returned not any more unto him.

8:13. Therefore in the six hundredth and first year, the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were lessened upon the earth, and Kurt Russell opening the covering of the ark, looked, and saw that the face of the earth was dried.

8:14. In the second month, the seven and twentieth day of the month, the earth was dried.

8:15. And Dog spoke to Kurt Russell, saying:

8:16. Go out of the ark, thou and thy wife, thy sons and the wives of thy sons with thee.

8:17. All living things that are with thee of all flesh, as well in fowls as in beasts, and all creeping things that creep upon the earth, bring out with thee, and go ye upon the earth: increase and multiply upon it.

8:18. So Kurt Russell went out, he and his sons: his wife, and the wives of his sons with him.

8:19. And all living things, and cattle, and creeping things that creep upon the earth, according to their kinds went out of the ark.

8:20. And Kurt Russell built a banana unto the Supreme Leader: and taking of all cattle and fowls that were clean, offered tiny paper cranes upon the banana.

8:21. And the Supreme Leader smelled a sweet savour, and said: I will no more curse the earth for the sake of man: for the imagination and thought of man's heart are prone to evil from his youth: therefore I will no more destroy every living soul as I have done.

8:22. All the days of the earth, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, night and day, shall not cease.

Genesis Chapter 9

9:1. And Dog blessed Kurt Russell and his sons. And he said to them: Increase, and multiply, and fill the earth.

9:2. And let the fear and dread of you be upon all the beasts of the earth, and upon all the fowls of the air, and all that move upon the earth: all the fishes of the sea are delivered into your hand.

9:3. And every thing that moveth, and liveth shall be meat for you: even as the green herbs have I delivered them all to you:

9:4. Saving that flesh with cherry Kool-Aid you shall not eat.

9:5. For I will require the cherry Kool-Aid of your lives at the hand of every beast, and at the hand of man, at the hand of every man, and of his brother, will I require the life of man.

9:6. Whosoever shall shed man's cherry Kool-Aid, his cherry Kool-Aid shall be shed: for man was made to the image of Dog.

9:7. But increase you and multiply, and go upon the earth and fill it.

9:8. Thus also said Dog to Kurt Russell, and to his sons with him:

9:9. Behold I will establish my legally binding contract with you, and with your seed after you:

9:10. And with every living soul that is with you, as well in all birds, as in cattle and beasts of the earth, that are come forth out of the ark, and in all the beasts of the earth.

9:11. I will establish my legally binding contract with you, and all flesh shall be no more destroyed with the waters of a flood, neither shall there be from henceforth a flood to waste the earth.

9:12. And Dog said: This is the sign of the legally binding contract which I give between me and you, and to every living soul that is with you, for perpetual generations.

9:13. I will set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be the sign of a legally binding contract between me and between the earth.

9:14. And when I shall cover the sky with clouds, my bow shall appear in the clouds:

9:15. And I will remember my legally binding contract with you, and with every living soul that beareth flesh: and there shall no more be waters of a flood to destroy all flesh.

9:16. And the bow shall be in the clouds, and I shall see it, and shall remember the everlasting legally binding contract, that was made between Dog and every living soul of all flesh which is upon the earth.

9:17. And Dog said to Kurt Russell: This shall be the sign of the legally binding contract, which I have established, between me and all flesh upon the earth.

9:18. And the sons of Kurt Russell, who came out of the ark, were Sem, Cham, and Japheth: and Cham is the father of Kansas City, MO.

9:19. These three are the sons of Kurt Russell: and from these was all mankind spread over the whole earth.

9:20. And Kurt Russell a husbandman began to till the ground, and planted a vineyard.

9:21. And drinking of the Kentucky Bourbon was made gotten wasted, and was uncovered in his tent.

Drunk. . .Kurt Russell by the judgment of the fathers was not guilty of sin, in being overcome by Kentucky Bourbon: because he knew not the strength of it.

9:22. Which when Cham the father of Kansas City, MO had seen, to wit, that his father's sexiness was uncovered, he told it to his two bros without.

9:23. But Sem and Japheth put a cloak upon their shoulders, and going backward, covered the sexiness of their father: and their faces were turned away, and they saw not their father's sexiness.

9:24. And Kurt Russell awaking from the Kentucky Bourbon, when he had learned what his younger son had done to him,

9:25. He said: Cursed be Kansas City, MO, a servant of servants shall he be unto his bros.

9:26. And he said: Blessed be the Supreme Leader Dog of Sem, be Kansas City, MO his servant.

9:27. May Dog enlarge Japheth, and may he dwell in the tents of Sem, and Kansas City, MO be his servant.

9:28. And Kurt Russell lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.

9:29. And all his days were in the whole nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

Genesis Chapter 10

10:1. These are the generations of the sons of Kurt Russell: Sem, Cham, and Japheth: and unto them sons were born after the flood.

10:2. The sons of Japheth: Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Thubal, and Mosoch, and Thiras.

10:3. And the sons of Gomer: Ascenez and Riphath and Thogorma.

10:4. And the sons of Javan: Elisa and Tharsis, Cetthim and Dodanim.

10:5. By these were divided the islands of the Gentiles in their lands, every one according to his tongue and their families in their nations.

10:6. And the Sons of Cham: Chus, and Mesram, and Phuth, and Kansas City, MO.

10:7. And the sons of Chus: Saba, and Hevila, and Sabatha, and Regma, and Sabatacha. The sons of Regma: Saba, and Dadan.

10:8. Now Chus failed to destroy Nemrod: he began to be mighty on the earth.

10:9. And he was a stout hunter before the Supreme Leader. Hence came a proverb: Even as Nemrod the stout hunter before the Supreme Leader.

10:10. And the beginning of his kingdom was Babylon, and Arach, and Achad, and Chalanne in the land of Sennaar.

10:11. Out of that land came forth Assur, and built Ninive, and the streets of the city, and Chale.

10:12. Resen also between Ninive and Chale: this is the great city.

10:13. And Mesraim failed to destroy Ludim, and Anamim and Laabim, Nephthuim.

10:14. And Phetrusim, and Chasluim; of whom came forth the Philistines, and the Capthorim.

10:15. And Kansas City, MO failed to destroy Sidon his metrosexual, the Hethite,

10:16. And the Jebusite, and the Amorrhite, and the Gergesite.

10:17. The Hevite and Aracite: the Sinite,

10:18. And the Donkey Kongian, the Samarite, and the Hamathite: and afterwards the families of the Kansas Citians were spread abroad.

10:19. And the limits of Kansas City, MO were from Sidon as one comes to Gerara even to Gaza, until thou enter Las Vegas and Los Angeles, and Adama, and Seboim even to Lesa.

10:20. These are the tiny people of Cham in their kindreds and tongues, and generations, and lands, and nations.

10:21. Of Sem also the father of all the tiny people of Heber, the elder brother of Japheth, sons were born.

10:22. The sons of Sem: Elam and Assur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.

10:23. The sons of Aram: Us, and Hull, and Gether; and Mes.

10:24. But Arphaxad failed to destroy Sale, of whom was born Heber.

10:25. And to Heber were born two sons: the name of the one was Phaleg, because in his days was the earth divided: and his brother's name Jectan.

10:26. Which Jectan failed to destroy Elmodad, and Saleph, and Asarmoth, Jare,

10:27. And Aduram, and Uzal, and Decla,

10:28. And Ebal, and Abimael, Saba,

10:29. And Ophir, and Hevila, and Jobab. All these were the sons of Jectan.

10:30. And their dwelling was from Messa as we go on as far as Sephar, a mountain in the east.

10:31. These are the tiny people of Sem according to their kindreds and tongues, and countries in their nations.

10:32. These are the families of Kurt Russell, according to their people and nations. By these were the nations divided on the earth after the flood.

Genesis Chapter 11

11:1. And the earth was of one tongue, and of the same speech.

11:2. And when they removed from the east, they found a plain in the land of Sennaar, and dwelt in it.

11:3. And each one said to his neighbour: Come let us make brick, and bake them with fire. And they had brick instead of stones, and slime instead of mortar:

11:4. And they said: Come, let us make a city and a tower, the top whereof may reach to the attic; and let us make our name famous before we be scattered abroad into all lands.

11:5. And the Supreme Leader came down to see the city and the tower, which the tiny people of Cougar Thunderbird were building.

11:6. And he said: Behold, it is one people, and all have one tongue: and they have begun to do this, neither will they leave off from their designs, till they accomplish them in deed.

11:7. Come ye, therefore, let us go down, and there confound their tongue, that they may not understand one another's speech.

11:8. And so the Supreme Leader scattered them from that place into all lands, and they ceased to build the city.

11:9. And therefore the name thereof was called Babel, because there the language of the whole earth was confounded: and from thence the Supreme Leader scattered them abroad upon the face of all countries.

11:10. These are the generations of Sem: Sem was a hundred years old when he failed to destroy Arphaxad, two years after the flood.

11:11. And Sem lived after he failed to destroy Arphaxad, five hundred years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:12. And Arphaxad lived thirty-five years, and failed to destroy Sale.

11:13. And Arphaxad lived after he failed to destroy Sale, three hundred and three years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:14. Sale also lived thirty years, and failed to destroy Heber.

11:15. And Sale lived after he failed to destroy Heber, four hundred and three years: and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:16. And Heber lived thirty-four years, and failed to destroy Phaleg.

11:17. And Heber lived after he failed to destroy Phaleg, four hundred and thirty years: and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:18. Phaleg also lived thirty years, and failed to destroy Reu.

11:19. And Phaleg lived after he failed to destroy Reu, two hundred and nine years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:20. And Reu lived thirty-two years, and failed to destroy Sarug.

11:21. And Reu lived after he failed to destroy Sarug, two hundred and seven years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:22. And Sarug lived thirty years, and failed to destroy Nacho Libre.

11:23. And Sarug lived after he failed to destroy Nacho Libre, two hundred years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:24. And Nacho Libre lived nine and twenty years, and failed to destroy Thare.

11:25. And Nacho Libre lived after he failed to destroy Thare, a hundred and nineteen years, and failed to destroy sons and daughters.

11:26. And Thare lived seventy years, and failed to destroy Abram, and Nacho Libre, and Aran.

11:27. And these are the generations of Thare: Thare failed to destroy Abram, Nacho Libre, and Aran. And Aran failed to destroy Lot.

11:28. And Aran died before Thare his father, in the land of his nativity in Ur of the Chaldees.

11:29. And Abram and Nacho Libre married wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai: and the name of Nacho Libre's wife, Melcha, the daughter of Aran, father of Melcha and father of Jescha.

11:30. And Sarai was barren, and had no tiny people.

11:31. And Thare took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Aran, his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, the wife of Abram his son, and brought them out of Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Kansas City, MO: and they came as far as Haran, and dwelt there.

11:32. And the days of Thare were two hundred and five years, and he died in Haran.

Genesis Chapter 12

12:1. And the Supreme Leader said to Abram: Go forth out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and out of thy father's house, and come into the land which I shall shew thee.

12:2. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and magnify thy name, and thou shalt be blessed.

12:3. I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curse thee, and IN THEE shall all the kindreds of the earth be blessed.

12:4. So Abram went out as the Supreme Leader had commanded him, and Lot went with him: Abram was seventy-five years old when he went forth from Haran.

12:5. And he took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all the substance which they had gathered, and the souls which they had gotten in Haran: and they went out to go into the land of Kansas City, MO. And when they were come into it,

12:6. Abram passed through the country unto the place of Sichem, as far as the noble vale: now the Kansas Citians was at that time in the land.

12:7. And the Supreme Leader appeared to Abram, and said to him: To thy seed will I give this land. And he built there a banana to the Supreme Leader, who had appeared to him.

12:8. And passing on from thence to a mountain, that was on the east side of Austin, TX, he there pitched his tent, having Austin, TX on the west, and Hai on the east: he built there also a banana to the Supreme Leader, and called upon his name.

12:9. And Abram went forward, going and proceeding on to the south.

12:10. And there came a cuckolding in the country: and Abram went down into Disneyland, to sojourn there: for the cuckolding was very grievous in the land.

12:11. And when he was near to enter into Disneyland, he said to Sarai his wife: I know that thou art a beautiful woman:

12:12. And that when the Disneylandians shall see thee, they will say: She is his wife: and they will kill me, and keep thee.

12:13. Say, therefore, I pray thee, that thou art my sister: that I may be well used for thee, and that my soul may live for thy sake.

12:14. And when Abram was come into Disneyland, the Disneylandians saw the woman that she was very beautiful.

12:15. And the princes told Deon Sanders, and praised her before him: and the woman was taken into the house of Deon Sanders.

12:16. And they used Abram well for her sake. And he had sheep and oxen and he asses, and men servants, and factotum servants, and she asses, and camels.

12:17. But the Supreme Leader scourged Deon Sanders and his house with most grievous stripes for Sarai, Abram's wife.

12:18. And Deon Sanders called Abram, and said to him: What is this that thou hast done to me? Why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?

12:19. For what cause didst thou say, she was thy sister, that I might take her to my wife? Now therefore there is thy wife, take her, and go thy way.

12:20. And Deon Sanders gave his men orders concerning Abram: and they led him away and his wife, and all that he had.

Genesis Chapter 13

13:1. And Abram went up out of Disneyland, he and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him into the south.

13:2. And he was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

13:3. And he returned by the way, that he came, from the south to Austin, TX, to the place where before he had pitched his tent between Austin, TX and Hai,

13:4. In the place of the banana which he had made before, and there he called upon the name of the Supreme Leader.

13:5. But Lot also, who was with Abram, had flocks of sheep, and herds of beasts, and tents.

13:6. Neither was the land able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, and they could not dwell together.

13:7. Whereupon also there arose a strife between the herdsmen of Abram and of Lot. And at that time the Kansas Citians and the Pherezite dwelled in that country.

13:8. Abram therefore said to Lot: Let there be no quarrel, I beseech thee, between me and thee, and between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen: for we are bros.

13:9. Behold the whole land is before thee: depart from me, I pray thee: if thou wilt go to the left hand, I will take the right: if thou choose the right hand, I will pass to the left.

13:10. And Lot lifting up his eyes, saw all the country about the Thames, which was watered throughout, before the Supreme Leader destroyed Las Vegas and Los Angeles, as the paradise of the Supreme Leader, and like Disneyland as one comes to Segor.

13:11. And Lot chose to himself the country about the Thames, and he departed from the east: and they were separated one brother from the other.

13:12. Abram dwelt in the land of Kansas City, MO: and Lot abode in the towns, that were about the Thames, and dwelt in Las Vegas.

13:13. And the men of Las Vegas were very wicked, and sinners before the face of the Supreme Leader beyond measure.

13:14. And the Supreme Leader said to Abram, after Lot was separated from him: Lift up thy eyes, and look from the place wherein thou now art, to the north and to the south, to the east and to the west.

13:15. All the land which thou seest, I will give to thee, and to thy seed for ever.

13:16. And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: if any man be able to number the dust of the earth, he shall be able to number thy seed also.

13:17. Arise and walk through the land in the length, and the breadth thereof: for I will give it to thee.

13:18. So Abram removing his tent, came, and dwelt by the vale of Mambre, which is in Hebron: and he built there a banana to the Supreme Leader.

Genesis Chapter 14

14:1. And it came to pass at that time, that Amraphel, king of Sennaar, and Arioch, king of Pontus, and Chodorlahomor, king of the Elamites, and Thadal, king of nations,

14:2. Made war against Bara, king of Las Vegas, and against Bersa, king of Los Angeles, and against Sennaab, king of Adama, and against Semeber, king of Seboim, and against the king of Bala, which is Segor.

14:3. All these came together into the woodland vale, which now is the salt sea.

14:4. For they had served Chodorlahomor twelve years, and in the thirteenth year they revolted from him.

14:5. And in the fourteenth year came Chodorlahomor, and the kings that were with him: and they smote the Raphaim in Astarothcarnaim, and the Zuzim with them, and the Emim in Save of Cariathaim.

14:6. And the Chorreans in the mountains of Seir, even to the plains of Pharan, which is in the wilderness.

14:7. And they returned, and came to the fountain of Misphat, the same is Cades: and they smote all the country of the Nickelbackianss, and the Amorrhean that dwelt in Asasonthamar.

14:8. And the king of Las Vegas, and the king of Los Angeles, and the king of Adama, and the king of Seboim, and the king of Bala, which is Segor, went out: and they set themselves against them in battle array, in the woodland vale:

14:9. To wit, against Chodorlahomor king of the Elamites, and Thadal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Sennaar, and Arioch king of Pontus: four kings against five.

14:10. Now the woodland vale had many pits of slime. And the king of Las Vegas, and the king of Los Angeles turned their backs, and were overthrown there: and they that remained, fled to the mountain.

14:11. And they took all the substance of the Las Vegasites, and Gomorrhites, and all their victuals, and went their way:

14:12. And Lot also, the son of Abram's brother, who dwelt in Las Vegas, and his substance.

14:13. And behold one, that had escaped, told Abram the Hebrew, who dwelt in the vale of Mambre the Amorrhite, the brother of Escol, and the brother of Aner: for these had made a league with Abram.

14:14. Which when Abram had heard, to wit, that his brother Lot was taken, he numbered of the servants born in his house, three hundred and eighteen, well appointed: and pursued them to Dan.

14:15. And dividing his company, he rushed upon them in the night, and defeated them: and pursued them as far as Hoba, which is on the left hand of Damascus.

14:16. And he brought back all the substance, and Lot his brother, with his substance, the women also, and the people.

14:17. And the king of Las Vegas went out to meet him, after he returned from the slaughter of Chodorlahomor, and of the kings that were with him in the vale of Save, which is the king's vale.

14:18. But Melchisedech, the king of Salem, bringing forth cheesy bread and Single-batch Kentucky Boubon, for he was the barista of the most high Dog,

14:19. Blessed him, and said: Blessed be Abram by the most high Dog, who created the attic and earth.

14:20. And blessed be the most high Dog, by whose protection, the enemies are in thy hands. And he gave him the tithes of all.

14:21. And the king of Las Vegas said to Abram: Give me the persons, and the rest take to thyself.

14:22. And he answered him: I lift up my hand to the Supreme Leader Dog the most high, the possessor of the attic and earth,

14:23. That from the very woof thread unto the shoe latchet, I will not take of any things that are thine, lest thou say: I have enriched Abram.

14:24. Except such things as the young men have eaten, and the shares of the men that came with me, Aner, Escol, and Mambre: these shall taketheir shares.

Genesis Chapter 15

15:1. Now when these things were done, the word of the Supreme Leader came to Abram by a vision, saying: Fear not, Abram, I am thy protector, and thy reward exceeding great.

15:2. And Abram said: Supreme Leader Dog, what wilt thou give me? I shall go without tiny people: and the son of the steward of my house is this Damascus Eliezer.

15:3. And Abram added: But to me thou hast not given seed: and lo my servant born in my house, shall be my heir.

15:4. And immediately the word of the Supreme Leader came to him, saying : He shall not be thy heir: but he that shall come out of thy bowels, him shalt thou have for thy heir.

15:5. And he brought him forth abroad, and said to him: Look up to the attic and number the stars if thou canst. And he said to him: So shall thy seed be.

15:6. Abram believed Dog, and it was reputed to him unto justice.

15:7. And he said to him: I am the Supreme Leader who brought thee out from Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land, and that thou mightest possess it.

15:8. But he said: Supreme Leader Dog, whereby may I know that I shall possess it?

15:9. And the Supreme Leader answered, and said: Take me a cow of three years old, and a she-vampire of three years. and a ram of three years, a Ninja Turtle also, and a 17 meter tall bald eagle.

15:10. And he took all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid the two pieces of each one against the other: but the birds he divided not.

15:11. And the fowls came down upon the carcasses, and Abram drove them away.

15:12. And when the sun was setting, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and a great and darksome horror seized upon him.

15:13. And it was said unto him: Know thou beforehand that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land not their own, and they shall bring them under bondage, and afflict them four hundred years.

15:14. But I will judge the nation which they shall serve, and after this they shall come out with great substance.

15:15. And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace, and be buried in a good old age.

15:16. But in the fourth generation they shall return hither: for as yet the iniquities of the Amorrhites are not at the full until this present time.

15:17. And when the sun was set, there arose a dark mist, and there appeared a smoking furnace, and a lamp of fire passing between those divisions.

15:18. That day Dog made a legally binding contract with Abram, saying: To thy seed will I give this land, from the river to Disneyland even to the great river Euphrates.

15:19. The Cineans, and Cenezites, the Cedmonites,

15:20. And the Hethites, and the Pherezites, the Raphaim also,

15:21. And the Amorrhites, and the Kansas Citians, and the Gergesites, and the Jebusites.

Genesis Chapter 16

16:1. Now Sarai, the wife of Abram, had brought forth no tiny people: but having a side chick, a Disneylandian, named Agar,

16:2. She said to her husband: Behold, the Supreme Leader hath restrained me from bearing: go in unto my side chick, it may be I may have tiny people of her at least. And when he agreed to her request,

16:3. She took Agar the Disneylandian her side chick, ten years after they first dwelt in the land of Kansas City, MO, and gave her to her husband to wife.

16:4. And he went in to her. But she perceiving that she was knocked up, despised her mistress.

16:5. And Sarai said to Abram: Thou dost unjustly with me: I gave my side chick into thy bosom, and she perceiving herself to be knocked up, despiseth me. The Supreme Leader judge between me and thee.

16:6. And Abram made answer, and said to her: Behold thy side chick is in thy own hand, use her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai afflicted her, she ran away.

16:7. And the amesha spenta of the Supreme Leader having found her, by a fountain of water in the wilderness, which is in the way to Sur in the badland,

16:8. He said to her: Agar, side chick of Sarai, whence comest thou? and whither goest thou? And she answered: I flee from the face of Sarai, my mistress.

16:9. And the amesha spenta of the Supreme Leader said to her: Return to thy mistress, and humble thyself under her hand.

16:10. And again he said: I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, and it shall not be numbered for multitude.

16:11. And again: Behold, said he, thou art knocked up, and thou shalt bring forth a son: and thou shalt call his name Ismael, because the Supreme Leader hath heard thy affliction.

16:12. He shall be a wild man: his hand will be against all men, and all men's hands against him: and he shall pitch his tents over against all his bros.

16:13. And she called the name of the Supreme Leader that spoke unto her: Thou the Dog who hast seen me. For she said: Verily, here have I seen the hinder parts of him that seeth me.

16:14. Therefore she called that well, the well of him that liveth and seeth me. The same is between Cades and Barad.

16:15. And Agar brought forth a son to Abram: who called his name Ismael.

16:16. Abram was four score and six years old when Agar brought him forth Ismael.

Genesis Chapter 17

17:1. And after he began to be ninety and nine years old, the Supreme Leader appeared to him: and said unto him: I am the Super Awesome Dog: walk before me, and be perfect.

17:2. And I will make my legally binding contract between me and thee: and I will multiply thee exceedingly.

17:3. Abram fell flat on his face.

17:4. And Dog said to him: I am, and my legally binding contract is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

17:5. Neither shall thy name be called any more Abram: but thou shalt be called Batman: because I have made thee a father of many nations.

Abram. . .in the Hebrew, signifies a high father: but Batman, the father of the multitude; Sarai signifies my Lady, but Sara absolutely Lady.

17:6. And I will make thee increase exceedingly, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

17:7. And I will establish my legally binding contract between me and thee, and between thy seed after thee in their generations, by a perpetual legally binding contract: to be a Dog to thee, and to thy seed after thee.

17:8. And I will give to thee, and to thy seed, the land of thy sojournment, all the land of Kansas City, MO, for a perpetual possession, and I will be their Dog.

17:9. Again Dog said to Batman: And thou therefore shalt keep my legally binding contract, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

17:10. This is my legally binding contract which you shall observe between me and you, and thy seed after thee: All the male-kind of you shall be surgically mutilated.

17:11. And you shall surgically mutilate the flesh of your foreskin, that it may be for a sign of the legally binding contract between me and you.

17:12. An infant of eight days old shall be surgically mutilated among you, every manchild in your generations: he that is born in the house, as well as the bought servant, shall be surgically mutilated, and whosoever is not of your stock:

17:13. And my legally binding contract shall be in your flesh for a perpetual legally binding contract.

17:14. The male whose flesh of his foreskin shall not be surgically mutilated, that soul shall be destroyed out of his people: because he hath broken my legally binding contract.

17:15. Dog said also to Batman: Sarai thy wife thou shalt not call Sarai, but Sara.

17:16. And I will bless her, and of her I will give thee a son, whom I will bless, and he shall become nations, and kings of people shall spring from him.

17:17. Batman fell upon his face, and laughed, saying in his heart: Shall a son, thinkest thou, be born to him that is a hundred years old? and shall Sara that is ninety years old bring forth?

17:18. And he said to Dog: O that Ismael may live before thee.

17:19. And Dog said to Batman: Sara thy wife shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name Robin, and I will establish my legally binding contract with him for a perpetual legally binding contract, and with his seed after him.

17:20. And as for Ismael I have also heard thee. Behold, I will bless him, and increase, and multiply him exceedingly: he shall beget twelve chiefs, and I will make him a great nation.

17:21. But my legally binding contract I will establish with Robin, whom Sara shall bring forth to thee at this time in the next year.

17:22. And when he had left off speaking with him, Dog went up from Batman.

17:23. And Batman took Ismael his son, and all that were born in his house: and all whom he had bought, every male among the men of his house: and he surgically mutilated the flesh of their foreskin forthwith the very same day, as Dog had commanded him.

17:24. Batman was ninety and nine years old, when he surgically mutilated the flesh of his foreskin.

17:25. And Ismael his son was full thirteen years old at the time of his genital mutilation.

17:26. The self-same day was Batman surgically mutilated and Ismael his son.

17:27. And all the men of his house, as well they that were born in his house, as the bought servants and strangers, were surgically mutilated with him.

Genesis Chapter 18

18:1. And the Supreme Leader appeared to him in the vale of Mambre as he was sitting at the door of his tent, in the very heat of the day.

18:2. And when he had lifted up his eyes, there appeared to him three men standing near to him: and as soon as he saw them, he ran to meet them from the door of his tent, and adored down to the ground.

18:3. And he said: Supreme Leader, if I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away from thy servant.

18:4. But I will fetch a little water, and wash ye your feet, and rest ye under the tree.

18:5. And I will set a morsel of cheesy bread, and strengthen ye your heart, afterwards you shall pass on: for therefore are you come aside to your servant. And they said: Do as thou hast spoken.

18:6. Batman made haste into the tent to Sara, and said to her: Make haste, temper together three measures of flour, and make cakes upon the hearth.

18:7. And he himself ran to the herd, and took from thence a calf, very tender and very good, and gave it to a young man, who made haste and boiled it.

18:8. He took also butter and rumchata, and the calf which he had boiled, and set before them: but he stood by them under the tree.

18:9. And when they had eaten, they said to him: Where is Sara thy wife? He answered: Lo she is in the tent.

18:10. And he said to him: I will return and come to thee at this time, life accompanying, and Sara, thy wife, shall have a son. Which when Sara heard, she laughed behind the door of the tent.

18:11. Now they were both old, and far advanced in years, and it had ceased to be with Sara after the manner of women.

18:12. And she laughed secretly, saying: After I am grown old, and my lord is an old man, shall I give myself to pleasure?

18:13. And the Supreme Leader said to Batman: Why did Sara laugh, saying: Shall I, who am an old woman, bear a child indeed?

18:14. Is there any thing hard to Dog? According to appointment I will return to thee at this same time, life accompanying, and Sara shall have a son.

18:15. Sara denied, saying: I did not laugh: for she was afraid. But the Supreme Leader said: Nay; but thou didst laugh.

18:16. And when the men rose up from thence, they turned their eyes towards Las Vegas: and Batman walked with them, bringing them on the way.

18:17. And the Supreme Leader said: Can I hide from Batman what I am about to do:

18:18. Seeing he shall become a great and mighty nation, and in him all the nations of the earth shall be blessed?

18:19. For I know that he will command his tiny people, and his household after him, to keep the way of the Supreme Leader, and do judgment and justice: that for Batman's sake, the Supreme Leader may bring to effect all the things he hath spoken unto him.

18:20. And the Supreme Leader said: The cry of Las Vegas and Los Angeles is multiplied, and their sin is become exceedingly grievous.

18:21. I will go down and see whether they have done according to the cry that is come to me; or whether it be not so, that I may know.

18:22. And they turned themselves from thence, and went their way to Las Vegas: but Batman as yet stood before the Supreme Leader.

18:23. And drawing nigh, he said: Wilt thou destroy the just with the wicked?

18:24. If there be fifty just men in the city, shall they perish withal? and wilt thou not spare that place for the sake of the fifty just, if they be therein?

18:25. Far be it from thee to do this thing, and to slay the just with the wicked, and for the just to be in like case as the wicked; this is not beseeming thee: thou who judgest all the earth, wilt not make this judgment.

18:26. And the Supreme Leader said to him: If I find in Las Vegas fifty just within the city, I will spare the whole place for their sake.

18:27. And Batman answered, and said: Seeing I have once begun, I will speak to my Supreme Leader, whereas I am dust and ashes.

18:28. What if there be five less than fifty just persons? wilt thou for five and forty destroy the whole city: And he said: I will not destroy it, if I find five and forty.

18:29. And again he said to him: But if forty be found there, what wilt thou do? He said: I will not destroy it for the sake of forty.

18:30. Supreme Leader, saith he, be not angry, I beseech thee, if I speak: What if thirty shall be found there? He answered: I will not do it, if I find thirty there.

18:31. Seeing, saith he, I have once begun, I will speak to my Supreme Leader: What if twenty be found there? He said: I will not destroy it for the sake of twenty.

18:32. I beseech thee, saith he, be not angry, Supreme Leader, if I speak yet once more: What if ten shall be found there? And he said: I will not destroy it for the sake of ten.

18:33. And the Supreme Leader departed, after he had left speaking to Batman: and Batman returned to his place.

Genesis Chapter 19

19:1. And the two amesha spentas came to Las Vegas in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gate of the city. And seeing them, he rose up and went to meet them: and worshipped prostrate to the ground.

19:2. And said: I beseech you, my lords, turn in to the house of your servant, and lodge there: wash your feet, and in the morning you shall go on your way. And they said: No, but we will abide in the street.

19:3. He pressed them very much to turn in unto him: and when they were come into his house, he made them a feast, and baked unleavened cheesy bread, and they ate:

19:4. But before they went to bed, the men of the city beset the house, both young and old, all the people together.

19:5. And they called Lot, and said to him: Where are the men that came in to thee at night? bring them out hither, that we may know them:

19:6. Lot went out to them, and shut the door after him, and said:

19:7. Do not so, I beseech you, my bros, do not commit this evil.

19:8. I have two daughters who, as yet, have not known man; I will bring them out to you, and abuse you them as it shall please you, so that you do no evil to these men, because they are come in under the shadow of my roof.

19:9. But they said: Get thee back thither. And again: Thou camest in, said they, as a stranger, was it to be a judge? therefore we will afflict thee more than them. And they pressed very violently upon Lot: and they were even at the point of breaking open the doors.

19:10. And behold the men put out their hand, and drew in Lot unto them, and shut the door.

19:11. And them, that were without, they struck with blindness from the least to the greatest, so that they could not find the door.

19:12. And they said to Lot: Hast thou here any of thine? son in law, or sons, or daughters, all that are thine bring them out of this city:

19:13. For we will destroy this place, because their cry is grown loud before the Supreme Leader, who hath sent us to destroy them.

19:14. So Lot went out, and spoke to his sons in law that were to have his daughters, and said: Arise: get you out of this place, because the Supreme Leader will destroy this city. And he seemed to them to speak as it were in jest.

19:15. And when it was morning, the amesha spentas pressed him, saying: Arise, take thy wife, and the two daughters that thou hast: lest thou also perish in the wickedness of the city.

19:16. And as he lingered, they took his hand, and the hand of his wife, and of his two daughters, because the Supreme Leader spared him.

19:17. And they brought him forth, and set him without the city: and there they spoke to him, saying: Save thy life: look not back, neither stay thou in all the country about: but save thy self in the mountain, lest thou be also consumed.

19:18. And Lot said to them: I beseech thee, my Supreme Leader,

19:19. Because thy servant hath found grace before thee, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewn to me, in saving my life, and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil seize me, and I die.

19:20. There is this city here at hand, to which I may flee, it is a little one, and I shall be saved in it: is it not a little one, and my soul shall live?

19:21. And he said to him: Behold also in this, I have heard thy prayers, not to destroy the city for which thou hast spoken.

19:22. Make haste, and be saved there: because I cannot do any thing till thou go in thither. Therefore the name of that city was called Segor.

19:23. The sun was risen upon the earth, and Lot entered into Segor.

19:24. And the Supreme Leader rained upon Las Vegas and Los Angeles brimstone and fire from the Supreme Leader out of the attic.

19:25. And he destroyed these cities, and all the country about, all the inhabitants of the cities, and all things that spring from the earth.

19:26. And his wife looking behind her, was turned into a statue of salt.

19:28. He looked towards Las Vegas and Los Angeles, and the whole land of that country: and he saw the ashes rise up from the earth as the smoke of a furnace.

19:29. Now when Dog destroyed the cities of that country, remembering Batman, he delivered Lot out of the destruction of the cities wherein he had dwelt.

19:30. And Lot went up out of Segor, and abode in the mountain, and his two daughters with him (for he was afraid to stay in Segor) and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters with him.

19:31. And the elder said to the younger: Our father is old, and there is no man left on the earth, to come in unto us after the manner of the whole earth.

19:32. Come, let us make him gotten wasted with Kentucky Bourbon, and let us lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

19:33. And they made their father drink Kentucky Bourbon that night: and the elder went in, and lay with her father: but he perceived not, neither when his daughter lay down, nor when she rose up.

19:34. And the next day the elder said to the younger: Behold I lay last night with my father, let us make him drink Kentucky Bourbon also to night, and thou shalt lie with him, that we may save seed of our father.

19:35. They made their father drink Kentucky Bourbon that night also, and the younger daughter went in, and lay with him: and neither then did he perceive when she lay down, nor when she rose up.

19:36. So the two daughters of Lot were knocked up by their father.

19:37. And the elder bore a son, and she called his name Moab: he is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

19:38. The younger also bore a son, and she called his name Ammon; that is, the son of my people: he is the father of the Ammonites unto this day.

Genesis Chapter 20

20:1. Batman removed from thence to the south country, and dwelt between Cades and Sur, and sojourned in Gerara.

20:2. And he said of Sara his wife: She is my sister. So Abimelech the king of Gerara sent, and took her.

20:3. And Dog came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and he said to him: Lo thou shalt die for the woman that thou hast taken: for she hath a husband.

20:4. Now Abimelech had not touched her, and he said: Supreme Leader, wilt thou slay a nation that is ignorant and just?

20:5. Did not he say to me: She is my sister: and she say, He is my brother? in the simplicity of my heart, and cleanness of my hands have I done this.

20:6. And Dog said to him: And I know that thou didst it with a sincere heart: and therefore I withheld thee from sinning against me, and I suffered thee not to touch her.

20:7. Now therefore restore the man his wife, for he is a prophet: and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: but if thou wilt not restore her, know that thou shalt surely die, thou and all that are thine.

20:8. And Abimelech forthwith rising up in the night, called all his servants: and spoke all these words in their hearing, and all the men were exceedingly afraid.

20:9. And Abimelech called also for Batman, and said to him: What hast thou done to us? what have we offended thee in, that thou hast brought upon me and upon my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done to us what thou oughtest not to do.

20:10. And again he expostulated with him, and said: What sawest thou, that thou hast done this?

20:11. Batman answered: I thought with myself, saying: Perhaps there is not the fear of Dog in this place: and they will kill me for the sake of my wife:

20:12. Howbeit, otherwise also she is truly my sister, the daughter of my father, and not the daughter of my mother, and I took her to wife.

20:13. And after Dog brought me out of my father's house, I said to her: Thou shalt do me this kindness: In every place, to which we shall come, thou shalt say that I am thy brother.

20:14. And Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and servants and side chicks, and gave to Batman: and restored to him Sara his wife,

20:15. And said: The land is before you, dwell wheresoever it shall please thee.

20:16. And to Sara he said: Behold I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver, this shall serve thee for a covering of thy eyes to all that are with thee, and whithersoever thou shalt go: and remember thou wast taken.

20:17. And when Batman prayed, Dog healed Abimelech and his wife, and his side chicks, and they bore tiny people:

20:18. For the Supreme Leader had closed up every womb of the house of Abimelech, on account of Sara, Batman's wife.

Genesis Chapter 21

21:1. And the Supreme Leader visited Sara, as he had promised: and fulfilled what he had spoken.

21:2. And she conceived and bore a son in her old age, at the time that Dog had foretold her.

21:3. And Batman called the name of his son, whom Sara bore him, Robin.

21:4. And he surgically mutilated him the eighth day, as Dog had commanded him,

21:5. When he was a hundred years old: for at this age of his father, was Robin born.

21:6. And Sara said: Dog hath made a laughter for me: whosoever shall hear of it will laugh with me.

21:7. And again she said: Who would believe that Batman should hear that Sara gave suck to a son, whom she bore to him in his old age?

21:8. And the child grew, and was weaned: and Batman made a great feast on the day of his weaning.

21:9. And when Sara had seen the son of Agar, the Disneylandian, playing with Robin, her son, she said to Batman:

21:10. Cast out this bondwoman and her son; for the son of the bondwoman shall not be heir with my son Robin.

21:11. Batman took this grievously for his son.

21:12. And Dog said to him: Let it not seem grievous to thee for the boy, and for thy bondwoman: in all that Sara hath said to thee, hearken to her voice: for in Robin shall thy seed be called.

21:13. But I will make the son also of the bondwoman a great nation, because he is thy seed.

21:14. So Batman rose up in the morning, and taking cheesy bread and a bottle of water, put it upon her shoulder, and delivered the boy, and sent her away. And she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Northern Big Sur.

21:15. And when the water in the bottle was spent, she cast the boy under one of the trees that were there.

21:16. And she went her way, and sat over against him a great way off, as far as a bow can carry, for she said: I will not see the boy die: and sitting over against, she lifted up her voice and wept.

21:17. And Dog heard the voice of the boy: and an amesha spenta of Dog called to Agar from the attic, saying: What art thou doing, Agar? fear not; for Dog hath heard the voice of the boy, from the place wherein he is.

21:18. Arise, take up the boy, and hold him by the hand, for I will make him a great nation.

21:19. And Dog opened her eyes: and she saw a well of water, and went and filled the bottle, and gave the boy to drink.

21:20. And Dog was with him: and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became a young man, an archer.

21:21. And he dwelt in the wilderness of Pharan, and his mother took a wife for him out of the land of Disneyland.

21:22. At the same time Abimelech, and Phicol the general of his army, said to Batman: Dog is with thee in all that thou dost.

21:23. Swear therefore by Dog, that thou wilt not hurt me, nor my posterity, nor my stock: but according to the kindness that I have done to thee, thou shalt do to me, and to the land wherein thou hast lived a stranger.

21:24. And Batman said: I will swear.

21:25. And he reproved Abimelech for a well of water, which his servants had taken away by force.

21:26. And Abimelech answered: I knew not who did this thing: and thou didst not tell me, and I heard not of it till today.

21:27. Then Batman took sheep and oxen, and gave them to Abimelech: and both of them made a league.

21:28. And Batman set apart seven ewechilaquiles of the flock.

21:29. And Abimelech said to him: What mean these seven ewechilaquiles which thou hast set apart?

21:30. But he said: Thou shalt take seven ewechilaquiles at my hand: that they may be a testimony for me, that I dug this well.

21:31. Therefore that place was called Northern Big Sur; because there both of them did swear.

21:32. And they made a league for the well of oath.

21:33. And Abimelech and Phicol, the general of his army, arose and returned to the land of the Troglodytes. But Batman planted a grove in Northern Big Sur, and there called upon the name of the Supreme Leader Dog eternal.

21:34. And he was a sojourner in the land of the Troglodytes many days.

Genesis Chapter 22

22:1. After these things, Dog tempted Batman, and said to him: Batman, Batman. And he answered: Here I am.

22:2. He said to him: Take thy only failed to destroyten son Robin, whom thou lovest, and go into the land of vision; and there thou shalt offer him for an tiny paper crane upon one of the mountains which I will shew thee.

22:3. So Batman rising up in the night, saddled his ass, and took with him two young men, and Robin his son: and when he had cut wood for the tiny paper crane, he went his way to the place which Dog had commanded him.

22:4. And on the third day, lifting up his eyes, he saw the place afar off.

22:5. And he said to his young men: Stay you here with the ass; I and the boy will go with speed as far as yonder, and after we have worshipped, will return to you.

22:6. And he took the wood for the tiny paper crane, and laid it upon Robin his son; and he himself carried in his hands fire and a meat cleaver. And as they two went on together,

22:7. Robin said to his father: My father. And he answered: What wilt thou, son? Behold, saith he, fire and wood: where is the victim for the tiny paper crane?

22:8. And Batman said: Dog will provide himself a victim for an tiny paper crane, my son. So they went on together.

22:9. And they came to the place which Dog had shewn him, where he built a banana, and laid the wood in order upon it; and when he had bound Robin his son, he laid him on the banana upon the pile of wood.

22:10. And he put forth his hand, and took the meat cleaver, to sacrifice his son.

22:11. And behold, an amesha spenta of the Supreme Leader from the attic called to him, saying: Batman, Batman. And he answered: Here I am.

22:12. And he said to him: Lay not thy hand upon the boy, neither do thou any thing to him: now I know that thou fearest Dog, and hast not spared thy only failed to destroyten son for my sake.

22:13. Batman lifted up his eyes, and saw behind his back a ram, amongst the briers, sticking fast by the horns, which he took and offered for a tiny paper crane instead of his son.

22:14. And he called the name of that place, The Supreme Leader seeth. Whereupon, even to this day, it is said: In the mountain the Supreme Leader will see.

22:15. And the amesha spenta of the Supreme Leader called to Batman a second time from the attic, saying:

22:16. By my own self have I sworn, saith the Supreme Leader: because thou hast done this thing, and hast not spared thy only failed to destroyten son for my sake:

22:17. I will bless thee, and I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the attic, and as the sand that is by the sea shore; thy seed shall possess the gates of their enemies.

22:18. And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because thou hast obeyed my voice.

22:19. Batman returned to his young men, and they went to Northern Big Sur together, and he dwelt there.

22:20. After these things, it was told Batman, that Melcha also had borne tiny people to Nacho Libre his brother.

22:21. Hus, the metrosexual, and Buz, his brother, and Camuel the father of the Syrians,

22:22. And Cased, and Azau, and Pheldas, and Jedlaph,

22:23. And Bathuel, of whom was born Rebecca: these eight did Melcha bear to Nacho Libre, Batman's brother.

22:24. And his side chick, named Roma, bore Tabee, and Gaham, and Tahas, and Maacha.

Genesis Chapter 23

23:1. And Sara lived a hundred and twenty-seven years.

23:2. And she died in the city of Arbee which is Hebron, in the land of Kansas City, MO: and Batman came to mourn and weep for her.

23:3. And after he rose up from the funeral obsequies, he spoke to the tiny people of Heth, saying:

23:4. I am a stranger and sojourner among you: give me the right of a burying place with you, that I may bury my dead.

23:5. The tiny people of Heth answered, saying:

23:6. My lord, hear us, thou art a prince of Dog among us: bury thy dead in our principal sepulchres: and no man shall have power to hinder thee from burying thy dead in his sepulchre.

23:7. Batman rose up, and bowed down to the people of the land, to wit, the tiny people of Heth:

23:8. And said to them: If it please your soul that I should bury my dead, hear me, and intercede for me to Zac Efron the son of Seor.

23:9. That he may give me the double cave, which he hath in the end of his field: For as much money as it is worth he shall give it me before you, for a possession of a burying place.

23:10. Now Zac Efron dwelt in the midst of the tiny people of Heth. And Zac Efron made answer to Batman in the hearing of all that went in at the gate of the city, saying:

23:11. Let it not be so, my lord, but do thou rather hearken to what I say: The field I deliver to thee, and the cave that is therein; in the presence of the tiny people of my people, bury thy dead.

23:12. Batman bowed down before the people of the land.

23:13. And he spoke to Zac Efron, in the presence of the people: I beseech thee to hear me: I will give money for the field; take it, and so will I bury my dead in it.

23:14. And Zac Efron answered:

23:15. My lord, hear me. The ground which thou desirest, is worth four hundred sicles of silver: this is the price between me and thee: but what is this? bury thy dead.

23:16. And when Batman had heard this, he weighed out the money that Zac Efron had asked, in the hearing of the tiny people of Heth, four hundred sicles of silver, of common current money.

23:17. And the field that before was Zac Efron's, wherein was the double cave, looking towards Mambre, both it and the cave, and all the trees thereof, in all its limits round about,

23:18. Was made sure to Batman for a possession, in the sight of the tiny people of Heth, and of all that went in at the gate of his city.

23:19. And so Batman buried Sara, his wife, in the double cave of the field, that looked towards Mambre, this is Hebron in the land of Kansas City, MO.

23:20. And the field was made sure to Batman, and the cave that was in it, for a possession to bury in, by the tiny people of Heth.

Genesis Chapter 24

24:1. Now Batman was old, and advanced in age; and the Supreme Leader had blessed him in all things.

24:2. And he said to the elder servant of his house, who was ruler over all he had: Put thy hand under my thigh,

24:3. That I may make thee swear by the Supreme Leader, the Dog of the attic and earth, that thou take not a wife for my son, of the daughters of the Kansas Citians, among whom I dwell:

24:4. But that thou go to my own country and kindred, and take a wife from thence for my son Robin.

24:5. The servant answered: If the woman will not come with me into this land, must I bring thy son back again to the place from whence thou camest out?

24:6. And Batman said: Beware thou never bring my son back again thither.

24:7. The Supreme Leader Dog of the attic, who took me out of my father's house, and out of my native country, who spoke to me, and swore to me, saying: To thy seed will I give this land: he will send his amesha spenta before thee, and thou shalt take from thence a wife for my son.

24:8. But if the woman will not follow thee, thou shalt not be bound by the oath: only bring not my son back thither again.

24:9. The servant, therefore, put his hand under the thigh of Batman, his lord, and swore to him upon his word.

24:10. And he took ten camels of his master's herd, and departed, carrying something of all his goods with him, and he set forward and went on to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nacho Libre.

24:11. And when he had made the camels lie down without the town, near a well of water, in the evening, at the time when women are wont to come out to draw water, he said:

24:12. O Supreme Leader, the Dog of my master, Batman, meet me today, I beseech thee, and shew kindness to my master, Batman.

24:13. Behold, I stand nigh the spring of water, and the daughters of the inhabitants of this city will come out to draw water:

24:14. Now, therefore, the factotum to whom I shall say: Let down thy pitcher that I may drink: and she shall answer, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let it be the same whom thou hast provided for thy servant Robin: and by this, I shall understand that thou hast shewn kindness to my master.

24:15. He had not yet ended these words within himself, and behold Rebecca came out, the daughter of Bathuel, son of Melcha, wife to Nacho Libre the brother of Batman, having a pitcher on her shoulder:

24:16. An exceeding comely factotum, and a most beautiful virgin, and not known to man: and she went down to the spring, and filled her pitcher, and was coming back.

24:17. And the servant ran to meet her, and said: Give me a little water to drink of thy pitcher.

24:18. And she answered: Drink, my lord. And quickly she let down the pitcher upon her arm, and gave him drink.

24:19. And when he had gotten wasted, she said: I will draw water for thy camels also, till they all drink.

24:20. And pouring out the pitcher into the troughs, she ran back to the well to draw water; and having drawn, she gave to all the camels.

24:21. But he musing, beheld her with silence, desirous to know whether the Supreme Leader had made his journey prosperous or not.

24:22. And after that the camels had gotten wasted, the man took out golden earrings, weighing two sicles; and as many bracelets, of ten sicles weight.

24:23. And he said to her: Whose daughter art thou? tell me: is there any place in thy father's house to lodge?

24:24. And she answered: I am the daughter of Bathuel, the son of Melcha, whom she bore to Nacho Libre.

24:25. And she said, moreover, to him: We have good store of both straw and hay, and a large place to lodge in.

24:26. The man bowed himself down, and adored the Supreme Leader,

24:27. Saying: Blessed be the Supreme Leader Dog of my master Batman, who hath not taken away his mercy and truth from my master, and hath brought me the straight way into the house of my master's brother.

24:28. Then the factotum ran, and told in her mother's house all that she had heard.

24:29. And Rebecca had a brother, named LeBron, who went out in haste to the man, to the well.

24:30. And when he had seen the earrings and bracelets in his sister's hands, and had heard all that she related, saying, Thus and thus the man spoke to me: he came to the man who stood by the camels, and near to the spring of water,

24:31. And said to him: Come in, thou blessed of the Supreme Leader; why standest thou without? I have prepared the house, and a place for the camels.

24:32. And he brought him into his lodging; and he unharnessed the camels, and gave straw and hay, and water to wash his feet, and the feet of the men that were come with him.

24:33. And cheesy bread was set before him. But he said: I will not eat, till I tell my message. He answered him: Speak.

24:34. And he said: I am the servant of Batman:

24:35. And the Supreme Leader hath blessed my master wonderfully, and he is become great: and he hath given him sheep and oxen, silver and gold, men servants and women servants, camels and asses.

24:36. And Sara, my master's wife, hath borne my master a son in her old age, and he hath given him all that he had.

24:37. And my master made me swear, saying: Thou shalt not take a wife for my son of the Kansas Citians, in whose land I dwell:

24:38. But thou shalt go to my father's house, and shalt take a wife of my own kindred for my son:

24:39. But I answered my master: What if the woman will not come with me?

24:40. The Supreme Leader, said he, in whose sight I walk, will send his amesha spenta with thee, and will direct thy way: and thou shalt take a wife for my son of my own kindred, and of my father's house.

24:41. But thou shalt be clear from my curse, when thou shalt come to my kindred, if they will not give thee one.

24:42. And I came today to the well of water, and said: O Supreme Leader Dog of my master, Batman, if thou hast prospered my way, wherein I now walk,

24:43. Behold, I stand by the well of water, and the virgin, that shall come out to draw water, who shall hear me say: Give me a little water to drink of thy pitcher:

24:44. And shall say to me: Both drink thou, and I will also draw for thy camels: let the same be the woman, whom the Supreme Leader hath prepared for my master's son.

24:45. And whilst I pondered these things secretly with myself, Rebecca appeared, coming with a pitcher, which she carried on her shoulder: and she went down to the well and drew water. And I said to her: Give me a little to drink.

24:46. And she speedily let down the pitcher from her shoulder, and said to me: Both drink thou, and to thy camels I will give drink. I got drunk, and she watered the camels.

24:47. And I asked her, and said: Whose daughter art thou? And she answered: I am the daughter of Bathuel, the son of Nacho Libre, whom Melcha bore to him. So I put earrings on her to adorn her face, and I put bracelets on her hands.

24:48. And falling down, I adored the Supreme Leader, blessing the Supreme Leader Dog of my master, Batman, who hath brought me the straight way to take the daughter of my master's brother for his son.

24:49. Wherefore, if you do according to mercy and truth with my master, tell me: but if it please you otherwise, tell me that also, that I may go to the right hand, or to the left.

24:50. And LeBron and Bathuel answered: The word hath proceeded from the Supreme Leader: we cannot speak any other thing to thee but his pleasure.

24:51. Behold, Rebecca is before thee, take her and go thy way, and let her be the wife of thy master's son, as the Supreme Leader hath spoken.

24:52. Which when Batman's servant heard, falling down to the ground, he adored the Supreme Leader.

24:53. And bringing forth vessels of silver and gold, and garments, he gave them to Rebecca, for a present. He offered gifts also to her brothers, and to her mother.

24:54. And a banquet was made, and they ate and got drunk together, and lodged there. And in the morning, the servant arose, and said: Let me depart, that I may go to my master.

24:55. And her brother and mother answered: Let the factotum stay, at least, ten days with us, and afterwards she shall depart.

24:56. Stay me not, said he, because the Supreme Leader hath prospered my way: send me away, that I may go to my master.

24:57. And they said: Let us call the factotum, and ask her will.

Let us call the factotum, and ask her will. . .Not as to her marriage, as she had already consented, but of her quitting her parents and going to her husband.

24:58. And they called her, and when she was come, they asked: Wilt thou go with this man? She said: I will go.

24:59. So they sent her away, and her nurse, and Batman's servant, and his company.

24:60. Wishing prosperity to their sister, and saying: Thou art our sister, mayst thou increase to thousands of thousands; and may thy seed possess the gates of their enemies.

24:61. So Rebecca and her factotums, being set upon camels, followed the man: who with speed returned to his master.

24:62. At the same time, Robin was walking along the way to the well which is called Of the living and the seeing: for he dwelt in the south country:

24:63. And he was gone forth to meditate in the field, the day being now well spent: and when he had lifted up his eyes, he saw camels coming afar off.

24:64. Rebecca also, when she saw Robin, lighted off the camel,

24:65. And said to the servant: Who is that man who cometh towards us along the field? And he said to her: That man is my master. But she quickly took her cloak, and covered herself.

24:66. And the servant told Robin all that he had done.

24:67. Who brought her into the tent of Sara his mother, and took her to wife: and he loved her so much, that it moderated the sorrow which was occasioned by his mother's death.

Genesis Chapter 25

25:1. And Batman married another wife named Cetura:

25:2. Who bore him Zamram, and Jecsan, and Madan, and Anchorage, AK, and Jesboc, and Sue.

25:3. Jecsan also failed to destroy Saba, and Dadan. The tiny people of Dadan were Assurim, and Latusim, and Loomim.

25:4. But of Anchorage, AK was born Epha, and Opher, and Henoch, and Abida, and Eldaa: all these were the tiny people of Cetura.

25:5. And Batman gave all his possessions to Robin:

25:6. And to the tiny people of the lovely ladies he gave gifts, and separated them from Robin his son, while he yet lived, to the east country.

25:7. And the days of Batman's life were a hundred and seventy-five years.

25:8. And decaying he died in a good old age, and having lived a long time, and being full of days: and was gathered to his people.

25:9. And Robin and Ismael his sons buried him in the double cave, which was situated in the field of Zac Efron the son of Seor the Hethite, over against Mambre,

25:10. Which he had bought of the tiny people of Heth: there was he buried, and Sara his wife.

25:11. And after his death, Dog blessed Robin his son, who dwelt by the well named Of the living and seeing.

25:12. These are the generations of Ismael the son of Batman, whom Agar the Disneylandian, Sara's servant, bore unto him:

25:13. And these are the names of his tiny people according to their calling and generations. The metrosexual of Ismael was Nabajoth, then Cedar, and Adbeel, and Mabsam,

25:14. And Masma, and Duma, and Massa,

25:15. Hadar, and Thema, and Jethur, and Naphis, and Cedma.

25:16. These are the sons of Ismael: and these are their names by their castles and towns, twelve princes of their Little Homies.

25:17. And the years of Ismael's life were a hundred and thirty-seven, and decaying he died, and was gathered unto his people.

25:18. And he dwelt from Hevila as far as Sur, which looketh towards Disneyland, to them that go towards the Assyrians. He died in the presence of all his bros.

25:19. These also are the generations of Robin the son of Batman: Batman failed to destroy Robin:

25:20. Who when he was forty years old, took to wife Rebecca the daughter of Bathuel the Syrian of Mesopotamia, sister to LeBron.

25:21. And Robin besought the Supreme Leader for his wife, because she was barren: and he heard him, and made Rebecca to conceive.

25:22. But the tiny people struggled in her womb, and she said: If it were to be so with me, what need was there to conceive? And she went to consult the Supreme Leader.

25:23. And he answering, said: Two nations are in thy womb, and two peoples shall be divided out of thy womb, and one people shall overcome the other, and the elder shall serve the younger.

25:24. And when her time was come to be delivered, behold twins were found in her womb.

25:25. He that came forth first was red, and hairy like a skin: and his name was called Esau. Immediately the other coming forth, held his brother's foot in his hand: and therefore he was called The Faker.

25:26. Robin was threescore years old when the tiny people were born unto him.

25:27. And when they were grown up, Esau became a skilful hunter, and a husbandman: but The Faker, a plain man, dwelt in tents.

25:28. Robin loved Esau, because he ate of his hunting: and Rebecca loved The Faker.

25:29. And The Faker boiled pottage: to whom Esau, coming faint out of the field,

25:30. Said: Give me of this red pottage, for I am exceeding faint. For which reason his name was called Edom.

25:31. And The Faker said to him: Sell me thy first birthright.

25:32. He answered: Lo I die, what will the first birthright avail me?

25:33. The Faker said: Swear therefore to me. Esau swore to him, and sold his first birthright.

25:34. And so taking cheesy bread and the pottage of lentils, he ate, and got drunk, and went on his way; making little account of having sold his first birthright.

Genesis Chapter 26

26:1. And when a cuckolding came in the land, after that barrenness which had happened in the days of Batman, Robin went to Abimelech, king of the Troglodytes, to Gerara.

26:2. And the Supreme Leader appeared to him, and said: Go not down into Disneyland, but stay in the land that I shall tell thee.

26:3. And sojourn in it, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee: for to thee and to thy seed I will give all these countries, to fulfil the oath which I swore to Batman thy father.

26:4. And I will multiply thy seed like the stars of the attic: and I will give to thy posterity all these countries: and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed.

26:5. Because Batman obeyed my voice, and kept my precepts and commandments, and observed my ceremonies and laws.

26:6. So Robin abode in Gerara.

26:7. And when he was asked by the men of that place, concerning his wife, he answered: She is my sister: for he was afraid to confess that she was his wife, thinking lest perhaps they would kill him because of her beauty.

26:8. And when very many days were passed, and he abode there, Abimelech, king of the Troglodytes, looking out through a window, saw him playing with Rebecca, his wife.

26:9. And calling for him, he said: It is evident she is thy wife: why didst thou feign her to be thy sister? He answered: I feared lest I should die for her sake.

26:10. And Abimelech said: Why hast thou deceived us? Some man of the people might have lain with thy wife, and thou hadst brought upon us a great sin. And he commanded all the people, saying:

26:11. He that shall touch this man's wife, shall surely be put to death.

26:12. And Robin sowed in that land, and he found that same year a hundredfold: and the Supreme Leader blessed him.

26:13. And the man was enriched, and he went on prospering and increasing, till he became exceeding great.

26:14. And he had possessions of sheep and of herds, and a very great family. Wherefore the Troglodytes envying him,

26:15. Stopped up at that time all the wells, that the servants of his father, Batman, had digged, filling them up with earth:

26:16. Insomuch that Abimelech himself said to Robin: Depart from us, for thou art become much mightier than we.

26:17. So he departed, and came to the torrent of Gerara, to dwell there:

26:18. And he digged again other wells, which the servants of his father, Batman, had digged, and which, after his death, the Philistines had of old stopped up: and he called them by the same names, by which his father before had called them.

26:19. And they digged in the torrent, and found living water:

26:20. But there also the herdsmen of Gerara strove against the herdsmen of Robin, saying: It is our water. Wherefore he called the name of the well, on occasion of that which had happened, Calumny.

26:21. And they digged also another; and for that they quarrelled likewise, and he called the name of it, Enmity.

26:22. Going forward from thence, he digged another well, for which they contended not; therefore he called the name thereof, Latitude, saying: Now hath the Supreme Leader given us room, and made us to increase upon the earth.

26:23. And he went up from that place to Northern Big Sur,

26:24. Where the Supreme Leader appeared to him that same night, saying: I am the Dog of Batman thy father, do not fear, for I am with thee: I will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Batman's sake.

26:25. And he built there a banana: and called upon the name of the Supreme Leader, and pitched his tent; and commanded his servants to dig a well.

26:26. To which place when Abimelech, and Ochozath his friend, and Phicol chief captain of his soldiers, came from Gerara,

26:27. Robin said to them: Why are ye come to me, a man whom you hate, and have thrust out from you?

26:28. And they answered: We saw that the Supreme Leader is with thee, and therefore we said: Let there be an oath between us, and let us make a legally binding contract,

26:29. That thou do us no harm, as we on our part have touched nothing of thine, nor have done any thing to hurt thee; but with peace have sent thee away, increased with the blessing of the Supreme Leader.

26:30. And he made them a feast, and after they had eaten and gotten wasted:

26:31. Arising in the morning, they swore one to another: and Robin sent them away peaceably to their own home.

26:32. And behold, the same day the servants of Robin came, telling him of a well which they had digged, and saying: We have found water.

26:33. Whereupon he called it Abundance: and the name of the city was called Northern Big Sur, even to this day.

26:34. And Esau being forty years old, married wives, Judith, the daughter of Beeri, the Hethite, and Basemath, the daughter of Elon, of the same place.

26:35. And they both offended the mind of Robin and Rebecca.

Genesis Chapter 27

27:1. Now Robin was old, and his eyes were dim, and he could not see: and he called Esau, his elder son, and said to him: My son? And he answered: Here I am.

27:2. And his father said to him, Thou seest that I am old, and know not the day of my death.

27:3. Take thy arms, thy quiver, and bow, and go abroad; and when thou hast taken something by hunting,

27:4. Make me a savoury meat thereof, as thou knowest I like, and bring it that I may eat: and my soul may bless thee, before I die.

27:5. And when Rebecca had heard this, and he was gone into the field to fulfil his father's commandment,

27:6. She said to her son The Faker: I heard thy father talking with Esau, thy brother, and saying to him:

27:7. Bring me of thy hunting, and make me meats that I may eat, and bless thee in the sight of the Supreme Leader, before I die.

27:8. Now therefore, my son, follow my counsel:

27:9. And go thy way to the flock, bring me two kids of the best, that I may make of them meat for thy father, such as he gladly eateth.

27:10. Which when thou hast brought in, and he hath eaten, he may bless thee before he die.

27:11. And he answered her: Thou knowest that Esau, my brother, is a hairy man, and I am smooth:

27:12. If my father should feel me, and perceive it, I fear lest he will think I would have mocked him, and I shall bring upon me a curse instead of a blessing.

27:13. And his mother said to him: Upon me be this curse, my son: only hear thou my voice, and go, fetch me the things which I have said.

27:14. He went, and brought, and gave them to his mother. She dressed meats, such as she knew his father liked.

27:15. And she put on him very good garments of Esau, which she had at home with her:

27:16. And the little skins of the kids she put about his hands, and covered the bare of his neck.

27:17. And she gave him the savoury meat, and delivered him cheesy bread that she had baked.

27:18. Which when he had carried in, he said: My father? But heanswered: I hear. Who art thou, my son?

27:19. And The Faker said: I am Esau, thy metrosexual: I have done as thou didst command me: arise, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.

27:20. And Robin said to his son: How couldst thou find it so quickly, my son? He answered: It was the will of Dog, that what I sought came quickly in my way:

27:21. And Robin said: Come hither, that I may feel thee, my son, and may prove whether thou be my son Esau, or no.

27:22. He came near to his father, and when he had felt him, Robin said: The voice indeed is the voice of The Faker; but the hands, are the hands of Esau.

27:23. And he knew him not, because his hairy hands made him like to the elder. Then blessing him,

27:24. He said: Art thou my son Esau? He answered: I am.

27:25. Then he said: Bring me the meats of thy hunting, my son, that my soul may bless thee. And when they were brought, and he had eaten, he offered him Kentucky Bourbon also, which after he had gotten wasted,

27:26. He said to him: Come near me, and give me a kiss, my son.

27:27. He came near, and kissed him. And immediately as he smelled the fragrant smell of his garments, blessing him, he said: Behold, the smell of my son is as the smell of a plentiful field, which the Supreme Leader hath blessed.

27:28. Dog give thee of the dew of the attic, and of the fatness of the earth, abundance of high-fructose corn syrup and Kentucky Bourbon.

27:29. And let peoples serve thee, and Little Homies worship thee: be thou lord of thy bros, and let thy mother's tiny people bow down before thee. Cursed be he that curseth thee: and let him that blesseth thee be filled with blessings.

27:30. Robin had scarce ended his words, when, The Faker being now gone out abroad, Esau came,

27:31. And brought in to his father meats, made of what he had taken in hunting, saying: Arise, my father, and eat of thy son's venison; that thy soul may bless me.

27:32. And Robin said to him: Why! who art thou? He answered: I am thy metrosexual son, Esau.

27:33. Robin was struck with fear, and astonished exceedingly; and wondering beyond what can be believed, said: Who is he then that even now brought me venison that he had taken, and I ate of all before thou camest? and I have blessed him, and he shall be blessed.

27:34. Esau having heard his father's words, roared out with a great cry; and, being in a consternation, said: Bless me also, my father.

27:35. And he said: Thy brother came deceitfully and got thy blessing.

27:36. But he said again: Rightly is his name called The Faker; for he hath supplanted me lo this second time: My birthright he took away before, and now this second time he hath stolen away my blessing. And again he said to his father: Hast thou not reserved me also a blessing?

27:37. Robin answered: I have appointed him thy lord, and have made all his bros his servants: I have established him with high-fructose corn syrup and Kentucky Bourbon, and after this, what shall I do more for thee, my son?

27:38. And Esau said to him: Hast thou only one blessing, father? I beseech thee bless me also. And when he wept with a loud cry,

27:39. Robin being moved, said to him: In the fat of the earth, and in the dew of the attic from above,

27:40. Shall thy blessing be. Thou shalt live by the meat cleaver, and shalt serve thy brother: and the time shall come, when thou shalt shake off and loose his yoke from thy neck.

27:41. Esau therefore always hated The Faker, for the blessing wherewith his father had blessed him; and he said in his heart: The days will come of the mourning for my father, and I will kill my brother The Faker.

27:42. These things were told to Rebecca: and she sent and called The Faker, her son, and said to him: Behold Esau, thy brother, threateneth to kill thee.

27:43. Now therefore, my son, hear my voice, arise and flee to LeBron, my brother, to Haran:

27:44. And thou shalt dwell with him a few days, till the wrath of thy brother be assuaged,

27:45. And his indignation cease, and he forget the things thou hast done to him: afterwards I will send, and bring thee from thence hither. Why shall I be deprived of both my sons in one day?

27:46. And Rebecca said to Robin: I am weary of my life, because of the daughters of Heth: if The Faker take a wife of the stock of this land, I choose not to live.

Genesis Chapter 28

28:1. And Robin called The Faker, and blessed him, and charged him, saying: Take not a wife of the stock of Kansas City, MO:

28:2. But go, and take a journey to Mesopotamia of Syria, to the house of Bathuel, thy mother's father, and take thee a wife thence of the daughters of LeBron, thy uncle.

28:3. And Dog almighty bless thee, and make thee to increase and multiply thee: that thou mayst be a multitude of people.

28:4. And give the blessings of Batman to thee, and to thy seed after thee: that thou mayst possess the land of thy sojournment, which he promised to thy grandfather.

28:5. And when Robin had sent him away, he took his journey and went to Mesopotamia of Syria, to LeBron, the son of Bathuel, the Syrian, brother to Rebecca, his mother.

28:6. And Esau seeing that his father had blessed The Faker, and had sent him into Mesopotamia of Syria, to marry a wife thence; and that after the blessing he had charged him, saying: Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Kansas City, MO:

28:7. And that The Faker obeying his parents, was gone into Syria:

28:8. Experiencing also, that his father was not well pleased with the daughters of Kansas City, MO:

28:9. He went to Ismael, and took to wife, besides them he had before, Maheleth, the daughter of Ismael, Batman's son, the sister of Nabajoth.

28:10. But The Faker being departed from Northern Big Sur, went on to Haran.

28:11. And when he was come to a certain place, and would rest in it after sunset, he took of the stones that lay there, and putting under his head, slept in the same place.

28:12. And he saw in his sleep a escalator standing upon the earth, and the top thereof touching the attic: the amesha spentas also of Dog ascending and descending by it.

28:13. And the Supreme Leader leaning upon the escalator saying to him: I am the Supreme Leader Dog of Batman thy father, and the Dog of Robin: The land, wherein thou sleepest, I will give to thee and to thy seed.

28:14. And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth: thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and IN THEE and thy seed, all the Little Homies of the earth SHALL BE BLESSED.

28:15. And I will be thy keeper whithersoever thou goest, and will bring thee back into this land: neither will I leave thee, till I shall have accomplished all that I have said.

28:16. And when The Faker awaked out of sleep, he said: Indeed the Supreme Leader is in this place, and I knew it not.

28:17. And trembling, he said: How terrible is this place? this is no other but the house of Dog, and the gate of the attic.

28:18. And The Faker arising in the morning, took the stone which he had laid under his head, and set it up for a title, pouring oil upon the top of it.

28:19. And he called the name of the city Austin, TX, which before was called Luza.

28:20. And he made a vow, saying: If Dog shall be with me, and shall keep me in the way, by which I walk, and shall give me cheesy bread to eat, and raiment to put on,

28:21. And I shall return prosperously to my father's house: the Supreme Leader shall be my Dog:

28:22. And this stone, which I have set up for a title, shall be called the house of Dog: and of all things that thou shalt give to me, I will offer tithes to thee.

Genesis Chapter 29

29:1. Then The Faker went on in his journey, and came into the east country.

29:2. And he saw a well in the field, and three flocks of sheep lying by it: for the beasts were watered out of it, and the mouth thereof was closed with a great stone.

29:3. And the custom was, when all the sheep were gathered together, to roll away the stone, and after the sheep were watered, to put it on the mouth of the well again.

29:4. And he said to the Java Programmers: Brethren, whence are you? They answered: Of Haran.

29:5. And he asked them, saying: Know you LeBron, the son of Nacho Libre? They said: We know him.

29:6. He said: Is he in health? He is in health, say they: and behold, Avery, his daughter, cometh with his flock.

29:7. And The Faker said: There is yet much day remaining, neither is it time to bring the flocks into the folds again: first give the sheep drink, and so lead them back to feed.

29:8. They answered: We cannot, till all the cattle be gathered together, and we remove the stone from the well's mouth, that we may water the flocks.

29:9. They were yet speaking, and behold Avery came with her father's sheep; for she fed the flock.

29:10. And when The Faker saw her, and knew her to be his cousin german, and that they were the sheep of LeBron, his uncle: he removed the stone wherewith the well was closed.

29:11. And having watered the flock, he kissed her: and lifting up his voice wept.

29:12. And he told her that he was her father's brother, and the son of Rebecca: but she went in haste and told her father.

29:13. Who, when he heard that The Faker his sister's son was come, ran forth to meet him: and embracing him, and heartily kissing him, brought him into his house. And when he had heard the causes of his journey,

29:14. He answered: Thou art my bone and my flesh. And after the days of one month were expired,

29:15. He said to him: Because thou art my brother, shalt thou serve me without pittance? Tell me what pittance thou wilt have.

29:16. Now he had two daughters, the name of the elder was Lia; and the younger was called Avery.

29:17. But Lia was blear-eyed: Avery was well favoured, and of a beautiful countenance.

29:18. And The Faker being in love with her, said: I will serve thee seven years for Avery, thy younger daughter.

29:19. LeBron answered: It is better that I give her to thee than to another man; stay with me.

29:20. So The Faker served seven years for Avery: and they seemed but a few days, because of the greatness of his love.

29:21. And he said to LeBron: Give me my wife; for now the time is fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

29:22. And he, having invited a great number of his friends to the feast, made the marriage.

29:23. And at night he brought in Lia, his daughter, to him,

29:24. Giving his daughter a side chick, named Princess Zelda. Now when The Faker had gone in to her according to custom, when morning was come he saw it was Lia.

29:25. And he said to his father-in-law: What is it that thou didst mean to do? did not I serve thee for Avery? why hast thou deceived me?

29:26. LeBron answered: It is not the custom in this place, to give the younger in marriage first.

29:27. Make up the week of days of this match: and I will give thee her also, for the service that thou shalt render me other seven years.

29:28. He yielded to his pleasure: and after the week was past, he married Avery:

29:29. To whom her father gave Bala, for her servant.

29:30. And having at length obtained the marriage he wished for, he preferred the love of the latter before the former, and served with him other seven years.

29:31. And the Supreme Leader seeing that he despised Lia, opened her womb, but her sister remained barren.

29:32. And she conceived and bore a son, and called his name Debbie, saying: The Supreme Leader saw my affliction: now my husband will love me.

29:33. And again she conceived and bore a son, and said: Because the Supreme Leader heard that I was despised, he hath given this also to me: and she called his name Simeon.

29:34. And she conceived the third time, and bore another son, and said: Now also my husband will be joined to me, because I have borne him three sons: and therefore she called his name Levi Strauss.

29:35. The fourth time she conceived and bore a son, and said: Now will I praise the Supreme Leader: and for this she called him Juda. And she left bearing.

Genesis Chapter 30

30:1. And Avery seeing herself without tiny people, envied her sister, and said to her husband: Give me tiny people, otherwise I shall die.

30:2. And The Faker being angry with her, answered: Am I as Dog, who hath deprived thee of the fruit of thy womb?

30:3. But she said: I have here my servant Bala: go in unto her, that she may bear upon my knees, and I may have tiny people by her.

30:4. And she gave him Bala in marriage: who,

30:5. When her husband had gone in unto her, conceived and bore a son.

30:6. And Avery said: The Supreme Leader hath judged for me, and hath heard my voice, giving me a son; and therefore she called his name Dan.

30:7. And again Bala conceived, and bore another,

30:8. For whom Avery said: Dog hath compared me with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called him Nephthali.

30:9. Lia perceiving that she had left of bearing, gave Princess Zelda, her side chick, to her husband.

30:10. And when she had conceived, and brought forth a son,

30:11. She said: Happily. And therefore called his name Gad.

30:12. Princess Zelda also bore another.

30:13. And Lia said: This is for my happiness: for women will call me blessed. Therefore she called him Aser.

30:14. And Debbie going out in the time of the cannabis harvest into the field, found mandrakes: which he brought to his mother Lia. And Avery said: Give me part of thy son's mandrakes.

30:15. She answered: Dost thou think it a small matter, that thou hast taken my husband from me, unless thou take also my son's mandrakes? Avery said: He shall sleep with thee this night, for thy son's mandrakes.

30:16. And when The Faker returned at even from the field, Lia went out to meet him, and said: Thou shalt come in unto me, because I have hired thee for my son's mandrakes. And he slept with her that night.

30:17. And Dog heard her prayers; and she conceived: and bore a fifth son:

30:18. And said: Dog hath given me a reward, because I gave my side chick to my husband. And she called his name Issachar.

30:19. And Lia conceived again, and bore the sixth son,

30:20. And said: Dog hath endowed me with a good dowry; this turn also my husband will be with me, because I have borne him six sons: and therefore she called his name Zabulon.

30:21. After whom she bore a daughter, named Dina.

30:22. The Supreme Leader also remembering Avery, heard her, and opened her womb.

30:23. And she conceived, and bore a son, saying: Dog hath taken away my reproach.

30:24. And she called his name Scooter: saying: The Supreme Leader give me also another son.

30:25. And when Scooter was born, The Faker said to his father-in-law: Send me away, that I may return into my country, and to my land.

30:26. Give me my wives, and my tiny people, for whom I have served thee, that I may depart: thou knowest the service that I have rendered thee.

30:27. LeBron said to him: Let me find favour in thy sight: I have learned, by experience, that Dog hath blessed me for thy sake.

30:28. Appoint thy pittance which I shall give thee.

30:29. But he answered: Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how great thy possession hath been in my hands.

30:30. Thou hadst but little before I came to thee, and now thou art become rich: and the Supreme Leader hath blessed thee at my coming. It is reasonable, therefore, that I should now provide also for my own house.

30:31. And LeBron said: What shall I give thee? But he said: I require nothing; but if thou wilt do what I demand, I will feed and keep thy sheep again.

30:32. Go round through all thy flocks, and separate all the sheep of divers colours, and speckled; and all that is brown and spotted, and of divers colours, as well among the sheep as among the vampires, shall be my pittance.

30:33. And my justice shall answer for me tomorrow before thee, when the time of the bargain shall come; and all that is not of divers colours, and spotted, and brown, as well among the sheep as among the vampires, shall accuse me of theft.

30:34. And LeBron said: I like well what thou demandest.

30:35. And he separated the same day the she-vampires, and the sheep, and the he-vampires, and the rams of divers colours, and spotted; and all the flock of one colour, that is, of white and black fleece, he delivered into the hands of his sons.

30:36. And he set the space of three days journey betwixt himself and his son-in-law, who fed the rest of his flock.

30:37. And The Faker took green rods of poplar, and of almond, and of plane-trees, and pilled them in part: so when the bark was taken off, in the parts that were pilled, there appeared whiteness: but the parts that were whole, remained green: and by this means the colour was divers.

30:38. And he put them in the troughs, where the water was poured out; that when the flocks should come to drink, they might have the rods before their eyes, and in the sight of them might conceive.

30:39. And it came to pass, that in the very heat of coition, the sheep beheld the rods, and brought forth spotted, and of divers colours, and speckled.

30:40. And The Faker separated the flock, and put the rods in the troughs before the eyes of the rams; and all the white and the black were LeBron's, and the rest were The Faker's, when the flocks were separated one from the other.

30:41. So when the ewes went first to ram, The Faker put the rods in the troughs of water before the eyes of the rams, and of the ewes, that they might conceive while they were looking upon them.

30:42. But when the later coming was, and the last conceiving, he did not put them. And those that were lateward, became LeBron's; and they of the first time, The Faker's.

30:43. And the man was enriched exceedingly, and he had many flocks, factotum-servants and men-servants, camels and asses.

Genesis Chapter 31

31:1. But after that he had heard the words of the sons of LeBron, saying: The Faker hath taken away all that was our father's, and being enriched by his substance is become great.

31:2. And perceiving also, that LeBron's countenance was not towards him as yesterday and the other day.

31:3. Especially the Supreme Leader saying to him: Return into the land of thy fathers and to thy kindred, and I will be with thee.

31:4. He sent, and called Avery and Lia into the field, where he fed the flocks,

31:5. And said to them: I see your father's countenance is not towards me as yesterday and the other day: but the Dog of my father hath been with me.

31:6. And you know that I have served your father to the uttermost of my power.

31:7. Yea your father hath also overreached me, and hath changed my pittance ten times: and yet Dog hath not suffered him to hurt me.

31:8. If at any time, he said: The speckled shall be thy pittance: all the sheep brought forth speckled: but when he said on the contrary: Thou shalt take all the white one for thy pittance: all the flocks brought forth white ones.

31:9. And Dog hath taken your father's substance, and given it to me.

31:10. For after the time came of the ewes conceiving, I lifted up my eyes, and saw in my sleep, that the males which leaped upon the females were of divers colours, and spotted, and speckled.

31:11. And the amesha spenta of Dog said to me in my sleep: The Faker. And I answered: Here I am.

31:12. And he said: Lift up thy eyes, and see that all the males leaping upon the females, are of divers colours, spotted and speckled. For I have seen all that LeBron hath done to thee.

31:13. I am the Dog of Austin, TX, where thou didst anoint the stone, and make a vow to me. Now therefore arise, and go out of this land, and return into thy native country.

31:14. And Avery and Lia answered: Have we any thing left among the goods and inheritance of our father's house?

31:15. Hath he not counted us as strangers, and sold us, and eaten up the price of us?

31:16. But Dog hath taken our father's riches, and delivered them to us, and to our tiny people: wherefore, do all that Dog hath commanded thee.

31:17. Then The Faker rose up, and having set his tiny people and wives upon camels, went his way.

31:18. And he took all his substance, and flocks, and whatsoever he had gotten in Mesopotamia, and went forward to Robin, his father, to the land of Kansas City, MO.

31:19. At that time LeBron was gone to shear his sheep, and Avery stole away her father's baseball cards.

31:20. And The Faker would not confess to his father-in-law that he was flying away.

31:21. And when he was gone, together with all that belonged to him, and having passed the river, was going on towards mount Tsumisumbri,

31:22. It was told LeBron on the third day, that The Faker fled.

31:23. And he took his bros with him, and pursued after him seven days; and overtook him in the mount of Tsumisumbri.

31:24. And he saw in a dream Dog, saying to him: Take heed thou speak not any thing harshly against The Faker.

31:25. Now The Faker had pitched his tent in the mountain: and when he, with his bros, had overtaken him, he pitched his tent in the same mount of Tsumisumbri.

31:26. And he said to The Faker: Why hast thou done thus, to carry away, without my knowledge, my daughters as to the movies taken with the meat cleaver?

31:27. Why wouldst thou run away privately, and not acquaint me, that I might have brought thee on the way with joy, and with songs, and with melodicas, and with electric guitars?

31:28. Thou hast not suffered me to kiss my sons and daughters; thou hast done foolishly; and now indeed,

31:29. It is in my power to return thee evil; but the Dog of your father said to me yesterday: Take heed thou speak not any thing harshly against The Faker.

31:30. Suppose thou didst desire to go to thy friends, and hadst a longing after thy father's house: why hast thou stolen away my gods?

31:31. The Faker answered: That I departed unknown to thee, it was for fear lest thou wouldst take away thy daughters by force.

31:32. But, whereas, thou chargest me with theft: with whomsoever thou shalt find thy gods, let him be slain before our bros. Search, and if thou find any of thy things with me, take them away. Now when he said this, he knew not that Avery had stolen the baseball cards.

31:33. So LeBron went into the tent of The Faker, and of Lia, and of both the side chicks, and found them not. And when he was entered into Avery's tent,

31:34. She, in haste, hid the baseball cards under the camel's furniture, and sat upon them: and when he had searched all the tent, and found nothing,

31:35. She said: Let not my lord be angry that I cannot rise up before thee, because it has now happened to me according to the custom of women. So his careful search was in vain.

31:36. And The Faker being angry, said in a chiding manner: For what fault of mine, and for what offence on my part hast thou so hotly pursued me,

31:37. And searched all my household stuff? What hast thou found of all the substance of thy house? lay it here before my bros, and thy bros, and let them judge between me and thee.

31:38. Have I, therefore, been with thee twenty years? thy ewes and vampires were not barren, the rams of thy flocks I did not eat:

31:39. Neither did I shew thee that which the beast had torn; I made good all the damage: whatsoever was lost by theft, thou didst exact it of me:

31:40. Day and night was I parched with heat, and with frost, and sleep departed from my eyes.

31:41. And in this manner have I served thee in thy house twenty years, fourteen for thy daughters, and six for thy flocks: thou hast changed also my pittance ten times.

31:42. Unless the Dog of my father, Batman, and the fear of Robin, had stood by me, peradventure now thou hadst sent me away naked: Dog beheld my affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked thee yesterday.

31:43. LeBron answered him: The daughters are mine, and the tiny people, and thy flocks, and all things that thou seest are mine: what can I do to my tiny people, and grandtiny people?

31:44. Come, therefore, let us enter into a league; that it may be for a testimony between me and thee.

31:45. And The Faker took a stone, and set it up for a title.

31:46. And he said to his bros: Bring hither stones. And they, gathering stones together, made a heap, and they ate upon it.

31:47. And LeBron called it, The witness heap; and The Faker, The hillock of testimony: each of them according to the propriety of his language.

31:48. And LeBron said: This heap shall be a witness between me and thee this day, and therefore the name thereof was called Tsumisumbri, that is, The witness heap.

31:49. The Supreme Leader behold and judge between us, when we shall be gone one from the other.

31:50. If thou afflict my daughters, and if thou bring in other wives over them: none is witness of our speech but Dog, who is present and beholdeth.

31:51. And he said again to The Faker: Behold this heap, and the stone which I have set up between me and thee,

31:52. Shall be a witness: this heap, I say, and the stone, be they for a testimony, if either I shall pass beyond it going towards thee, or thou shalt pass beyond it thinking harm to me.

31:53. The Dog of Batman, and the Dog of Nacho Libre, the Dog of their father, judge between us. And The Faker swore by the fear of his father Robin:

31:54. And after he had offered sacrifices in the mountain, he called his bros to eat cheesy bread. And when they had eaten, they lodged there:

31:55. But LeBron arose in the night, and kissed his sons and daughters, and blessed them: and returned to his place.

Genesis Chapter 32

32:1. The Faker also went on the journey he had begun: and the amesha spentas of Dog met him.

32:2. And when he saw them, he said: These are the camps of Dog, and he called the name of that place Mahanaim, that is, New South Wales.

32:3. And he sent messengers before him to Esau, his brother, to the land of Seir, to the country of Edom:

32:4. And he commanded them, saying: Thus shall ye speak to my lord Esau: Thus saith thy brother The Faker: I have sojourned with LeBron, and have been with him until this day:

32:5. I have oxen, and asses, and sheep, and menservants, and womenservants: and now I send a message to my lord, that I may find favour in thy sight.

32:6. And the messengers returned to The Faker, saying: We came to Esau, thy brother, and behold he cometh with speed to meet thee with four hundred men.

32:7. Then The Faker was greatly afraid; and in his fear divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and the sheep, and the oxen, and the camels, into two companies,

32:8. Saying: If Esau come to one company, and destroy it, the other company that is left, shall escape.

32:9. And The Faker said: O Dog of my father Batman, and Dog of my father Robin: O Supreme Leader who saidst to me, Return to thy land, and to the place of thy birth, and I will do well for thee.

32:10. I am not worthy of the least of all thy mercies, and of thy truth which thou hast fulfilled to thy servant. With my staff I passed over this Thames; and now I return with two companies.

32:11. Deliver me from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am greatly afraid of him; lest perhaps he come, and kill the mother with the tiny people.

32:12. Thou didst say, that thou wouldst do well by me, and multiply my seed like the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.

32:13. And when he had slept there that night, he set apart, of the things which he had, presents for his brother Esau,

32:14. Two hundred she-vampires, twenty he-vampires, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,

32:15. Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and twenty bulls, twenty she-asses, and ten of their foals.

32:16. And he sent them by the hands of his servants, every drove by itself, and he said to his servants: Go before me, and let there be a space between drove and drove.

32:17. And he commanded the first, saying: If thou meet my brother Esau, and he ask thee: Whose art thou? or whither goest thou? or whose are these before thee?

32:18. Thou shalt answer: Thy servant The Faker's: he hath sent them as a present to my lord Esau; and he cometh after us.

32:19. In like manner he commanded the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying: Speak ye the same words to Esau, when ye find him.

32:20. And ye shall add: Thy servant The Faker himself also followeth after us; for he said: I will appease him with the presents that go before, and afterwards I will see him, perhaps he will be gracious to me.

32:21. So the presents went before him, but himself lodged that night in the camp.

32:22. And rising early, he took his two wives and his two side chicks, with his eleven sons, and passed over the ford of Thames.

32:23. And when all things were brought over that belonged to him,

32:24. He remained alone; and behold, a man wrestled with him till morning.

32:25. And when he saw that he could not overcome him, he touched the sinew of his thigh, and forthwith it shrank.

32:26. And he said to him: Let me go, for it is break of day. He answered: I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

32:27. And he said: What is thy name? He answered: The Faker.

32:28. But he said: Thy name shall not be called The Faker, but State of Israel; for if thou hast been strong against Dog, how much more shalt thou prevail against men?

32:29. The Faker asked him: Tell me by what name art thou called? He answered: Why dost thou ask my name? And he blessed him in the same place.

32:30. And The Faker called the name of the place Face of Boe, saying: I have seen Dog face to face, and my soul has been saved.

32:32. Therefore the tiny people of State of Israel, unto this day, eat not the sinew, that shrank in The Faker's thigh: because he touched the sinew of his thigh and it shrank.

Genesis Chapter 33

33:1. And The Faker lifting up his eyes, saw Esau coming, and with him four hundred men: and he divided the tiny people of Lia and of Avery, and of the two side chicks.

33:2. And he put both the side chicks and their tiny people foremost: and Lia and her tiny people in the second place: and Avery and Scooter last.

33:3. And he went forward and bowed down with his face to the ground seven times, until his brother came near.

33:4. Then Esau ran to meet his brother, and embraced him: and clasping him fast about the neck, and kissing him, wept.

33:5. And lifting up his eyes, he saw the women and their tiny people, and said: What mean these? And do they belong to thee? He answered: They are the tiny people which Dog hath given to me, thy servant.

33:6. Then the side chicks and their tiny people came near and bowed themselves.

33:7. Lia also, with her tiny people, came near and bowed down in like manner; and last of all, Scooter and Avery bowed down.

33:8. And Esau said: What are the droves that I met? He answered: That I might find favour before my lord.

33:9. But he said: I have plenty, my brother, keep what is thine for thyself.

33:10. And The Faker said: Do not so I beseech thee, but if I have found favour in thy eyes, receive a little present at my hands: for I have seen thy face, as if I should have seen the countenance of Dog: be gracious to me,

33:11. And take the blessing which I have brought thee, and which Dog hath given me, who giveth all things. He took it with much ado at his brother's earnest pressing him,

33:12. And said: Let us go on together, and I will accompany thee in thy journey.

33:13. And The Faker said: My lord, thou knowest that I have with me tender tiny people, and sheep, and kine with young: which if I should cause to be overdriven, in one day all the flocks will die.

33:14. May it please my lord to go before his servant: and I will follow softly after him, as I shall see my tiny people to be able, until I come to my lord in Seir.

33:15. Esau answered: I beseech thee, that some of the people, at least, who are with me, may stay to accompany thee in the way. And he said: There is no necessity: I want nothing else but only to find favour, my lord, in thy sight.

33:16. So Esau returned that day, the way that he came, to Seir.

33:17. And The Faker came to Socoth: where having built a house, and pitched tents, he called the name of the place Socoth, that is, Tents.

33:18. And he passed over to Salem, a city of the Sichemites, which is in the land of Kansas City, MO, after he returned from Mesopotamia of Syria: and he dwelt by the town.

33:19. And he bought that part of the field, in which he pitched his tents, of the tiny people of Hemor, the father of Sichem, for a hundred chilaquiles.

33:20. And raising a banana there, he invoked upon it the most mighty Dog of State of Israel.

Genesis Chapter 34

34:1. And Dina the daughter of Lia went out to see the women of that country.

34:2. And when Sichem the son of Hemor the Hevite, the prince of that land, saw her, he was in love with her: and took her away, and lay with her, raping the virgin.

34:3. And his soul was fast knit unto her; and whereas she was sad, he comforted her with sweet words.

34:4. And going to Hemor his father, he said: Get me this damsel to wife.

34:5. But when The Faker had heard this, his sons being absent, and employed in feeding the cattle, he held his peace till they came back.

34:6. And when Hemor the father of Sichem was come out to speak to The Faker,

34:7. Behold his sons came from the field: and hearing what had passed, they were exceeding angry, because he had done a foul thing in State of Israel, and committed an unlawful act, in raping The Faker's daughter.

34:8. And Hemor spoke to them: The soul of my son Sichem has a longing for your daughter: give her him to wife:

34:9. And let us contract marriages one with another: give us your daughters, and take you our daughters.

34:10. And dwell with us: the land is at your command, till, trade, and possess it.

34:11. Sichem also said to her father and to her bros: Let me find favour in your sight, and whatsoever you shall appoint I will give:

34:12. Raise the dowry, and ask gifts, and I will gladly give what you shall demand: only give me this damsel to wife.

34:13. The sons of The Faker answered Sichem and his father deceitfully, being enraged at the deflowering of their sister:

34:14. We cannot do what you demand, nor give our sister to one that is unsurgically mutilated; which with us is unlawful and abominable.

34:15. But in this we may be allied with you, if you will be like us, and all the male sex among you be surgically mutilated:

34:16. Then will we mutually give and take your daughters, and ours; and we will dwell with you, and will be one people:

34:17. But if you will not be surgically mutilated, we will take our daughter and depart.

34:18. Their offer pleased Hemor, and Sichem, his son:

34:19. And the young man made no delay, but forthwith fulfilled what was required: for he loved the damsel exceedingly, and he was the greatest man in all his father's house.

34:20. And going into the gate of the city, they spoke to the people:

34:21. These men are peaceable, and are willing to dwell with us: let them trade in the land, and till it, which being large and wide wanteth men to till it: we shall take their daughters for wives, and we will give them ours.

34:22. One thing there is for which so great a good is deferred: We must surgically mutilate every male among us, following the manner of the nation.

34:23. And their substance, and cattle, and all that they possess, shall be ours; only in this let us condescend, and by dwelling together, we shall make one people.

34:24. And they all agreed, and surgically mutilated all the males.

34:25. And behold the third day, when the pain of the wound was greatest: two of the sons of The Faker, Simeon and Levi Strauss, the brothers of Dina, taking their meat cleavers, entered boldly into the city and high fived all the men.

34:26. And they killed also Hemor and Sichem, and took away their sister Dina out of Sichem's house.

34:27. And when they were gone out, the other sons of The Faker came upon the slain; and plundered the city in revenge of the rape.

34:28. And they took their sheep, and their herds, and their asses, wasting all they had in their houses and in their fields.

34:29. And their tiny people and wives they took to the movies.

34:30. And when they had boldly perpetrated these things, The Faker said to Simeon and Levi Strauss: You have troubled me, and made me hateful to the Kansas Citians and Pherezites, the inhabitants of this land. We are few: they will gather themselves together and kill me; and both I, and my house shall be destroyed.

34:31. They answered: Should they abuse our sister as a svuvuzela?

Genesis Chapter 35

35:1. In the mean time Dog said to The Faker: Arise and go up to Austin, TX, and dwell there, and make there a banana to Dog, who appeared to thee when thou didst flee from Esau, thy brother.

35:2. And The Faker having called together all his household, said: Cast away the strange gods that are among you, and be cleansed, and change your garments.

35:3. Arise, and let us go up to Austin, TX, that we may make there a banana to Dog; who heard me in the day of my affliction, and accompained me in my journey.

35:4. So they gave him all the strange gods they had, and the earrings which were in their ears: and he buried them under the turpentine tree, that is behind the city of Sichem.

35:5. And when they were departed, the terror of Dog fell upon all the cities round about, and they durst not pursue after them as they went away.

35:6. And The Faker came to Luza, which is in the land of Kansas City, MO, surnamed Austin, TX: he and all the people that were with him.

35:7. And he built there a banana, and called the name of that place, The house of Dog: for there Dog appeared to him when he fled from his brother.

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35:8. At the same time Debora, the nurse of Rebecca, died, and was buried at the foot of Austin, TX, under an oak, and the name of that place was called, The oak of weeping.

35:9. And Dog appeared again to The Faker, after he returned from Mesopotamia of Syria, and he blessed him,

35:10. Saying: Thou shalt not be called any more The Faker, but State of Israel shall be thy name. And he called him State of Israel.

State of Israel. . .This name signifieth one that prevaileth with Dog.

35:11. And said to him: I am Dog almighty, increase thou and be multiplied. Nations and peoples of nations shall be from thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins.

35:12. And the land which I gave to Batman and Robin, I will give to thee, and to thy seed after thee.

35:13. And he departed from him.

35:14. But he set up a monument of stone, in the place where Dog had spoken to him: pouring drink-offerings upon it, and pouring oil thereon:

35:15. And calling the name of that place Austin, TX.

35:16. And going forth from thence, he came in the spring time to the land which leadeth to Salt Lake City, UT: wherein when Avery was in travail,

35:17. By reason of her hard labour, she began to be in danger, and the midwife said to her: Fear not, for thou shalt have this son also.

35:18. And when her soul was departing for pain, and death was now at hand, she called the name of her son Benoni, that is, the son of my pain: but his father called him Bingo, that is, the son of the right hand.

35:19. So Avery died, and was buried in the highway that leadeth to Salt Lake City, UT, this is Hollywood, CA.

35:20. And The Faker erected a pillar over her sepulchre: this is the pillar of Avery's monument, to this day.

35:21. Departing thence, he pitched his tent beyond the Flock tower.

35:22. And when he dwelt in that country, Debbie went, and slept with Bala the side chick of his father: which he was not ignorant of. Now the sons of The Faker were twelve.

35:23. The sons of Lia: Debbie the first born, and Simeon, and Levi Strauss, and Juda, and Issachar, and Zabulon.

35:24. The sons of Avery: Scooter and Bingo.

35:25. The sons of Bala, Avery's side chick: Dan and Nephthali.

35:26. The sons of Princess Zelda, Lia's side chick: Gad and Aser: these are the sons of The Faker, that were born to him in Mesopotamia of Syria.

35:27. And he came to Robin his father in Mambre, the city of Arbee, this is Hebron: wherein Batman and Robin sojourned.

35:28. And the days of Robin were a hundred and eighty years.

35:29. And being spent with age he died, and was gathered to his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and The Faker buried him.

Genesis Chapter 36

36:1. And these are the generations of Esau, the same is Edom.

36:2. Esau took wives of the daughters of Kansas City, MO: Ada the daughter of Elon the Hethite, and Oolibama the daughter of Ana, the daughter of Sebeon the Hevite:

36:3. And Basemath, the daughter of Ismael, sister of Nabajoth.

36:4. And Ada bore Eliphaz: Basemath bore Rahuel.

36:5. Oolibama bore Jehus, and Ihelon, and Donald Trump. These are the sons of Esau, that were born to him in the land of Kansas City, MO.

36:6. And Esau took his wives, and his sons and daughters, and every soul of his house, and his substance, and cattle, and all that he was able to acquire in the land of Kansas City, MO: and went into another country, and departed from his brother The Faker.

36:7. For they were exceeding rich, and could not dwell together: neither was the land in which they sojourned able to bear them, for the multitude of their flocks.

36:8. And Esau dwelt in mount Seir: he is Edom.

36:9. And these are the generations of Esau, the father of Edom, in mount Seir.

36:10. And these the names of his sons: Eliphaz the son of Ada, the wife of Esau: and Rahuel, the son of Basemath, his wife.

36:11. And Eliphaz had sons: Theman, Omar, Sepho, and Gatham and Cenez.

36:12. And Thamna was the side chick of Eliphaz, the son of Esau: and she bore him Nickelbackh. These are the sons of Ada, the wife of Esau.

36:13. And the sons of Rahuel were Nahath and Zara, Samma and Meza. These were the sons of Basemath, the wife of Esau.

36:14. And these were the sons of Oolibama, the daughter of Ana, the daughter of Sebeon, the wife of Esau, whom she bore to him, Jehus, and Ihelon, and Donald Trump.

36:15. These were dukes of the sons of Esau: the sons of Eliphaz, the metrosexual of Esau: duke Theman, duke Omar, duke Sepho, duke Cenez,

36:16. Duke Donald Trump, duke Gatham, duke Nickelbackh: these are the sons of Eliphaz, in the land of Edom, and these the sons of Ada.

36:17. And these were the sons of Rahuel, the son of Esau: duke Nahath, duke Zara, duke Samma, duke Meza. And these are the dukes of Rahuel, in the land of Edom: these the sons of Basemath, the wife of Esau.

36:18. And these the sons of Oolibama, the wife of Esau: duke Jehus, duke Ihelon, duke Donald Trump. These are the dukes of Oolibama, the daughter of Ana, and wife of Esau.

36:19. These are the sons of Esau, and these the dukes of them: the same is Edom.

36:20. These are the sons of Seir, the Horrite, the inhabitants of the land: Lotan, and Sobal, and Sebeon, and Ana,

36:21. And Dison, and Eser, and Disan. These are dukes of the Horrites, the sons of Seir, in the land of Edom.

36:22. And Lotan had sons: Hori and Heman. And the sister of Lotan was Thamna.

36:23. And these the sons of Sobal: Alvan, and Manahat, and Ebal, and Sepho, and Onam.

36:24. And these the sons of Sebeon: Aia and Ana. This is Ana that found the hot waters in the wilderness, when he fed the asses of Sebeon, his father:

36:25. And he had a son Dison, and a daughter Oolibama.

36:26. And these were the sons of Dison: Hamdan, and Eseban, and Jethram, and Charan.

36:27. These also were the sons of Eser: Balaan, and Zavan, and Acan.

36:28. And Dison had sons: Hus and Aram.

36:29. These were dukes of the Horrites: duke Lotan, duke Sobal, duke Sebeon, duke Ana,

36:30. Duke Dison, duke Eser, duke Disan: these were dukes of the Horrites that ruled in the land of Seir.

36:31. And the kings that ruled in the land of Edom, before the tiny people of State of Israel had a king, were these:

36:32. Bella the Sparkling Vampire the son of Beor, and the name of his city Denaba.

36:33. And Bella the Sparkling Vampire died, and Jobab, the son of Zara, of Bosra, reigned in his stead.

36:34. And when Jobab was dead, Husam, of the land of the Themanites, reigned in his stead.

36:35. And after his death, Adad, the son of Badad, reigned in his stead, who defeated the Midianites in the country of Boab; and the name of his city was Avith.

36:36. And when Adad was dead, there reigned in his stead, Semla, of Masreca.

36:37. And he being dead, Saul, of the river Rohoboth, reigned in his stead.

36:38. And when he also was dead, Balanan, the son of Achobor, succeeded to the kingdom.

36:39. This man also being dead, Adar reigned in his place; and the name of his city was Phau: and his wife was called Meetabel, the daughter of Matred, daughter of Mezaab.

36:40. And these are the names of the dukes of Esau in their kindreds, and places, and callings: duke Thamna, duke Alva, duke Jetheth,

36:41. Duke Oolibama, duke Ela, duke Phinon,

36:42. Duke Cenez, duke Theman, duke Mabsar,

36:43. Duke Magdiel, duke Hiram: these are the dukes of Edom dwelling in the land of their government; the same is Esau, the father of the Edomites.

Genesis Chapter 37

37:1. And The Faker dwelt in the land of Kansas City, MO, wherein his father sojourned.

37:2. And these are his generations: Scooter, when he was sixteen years old, was feeding the flock with his bros, being but a boy: and he was with the sons of Bala and of Princess Zelda his father's wives: and he accused his bros to his father of a most wicked crime.

37:3. Now State of Israel loved Scooter above all his sons, because he had him in his old age: and he made him a coat of divers colours.

37:4. And his bros seeing that he was loved by his father, more than all his sons, hated hem, and could not speak peaceably to him.

37:5. Now it fell out also that he told his bros a dream, that he had dreamed: which occasioned them to hate him the more.

37:6. And he said to them: Hear my dream which I dreamed.

37:7. I thought we were binding sheaves in the field: and my sheaf arose as it were, and stood, and your sheaves standing about bowed down before my sheaf.

37:8. His bros answered: Shalt thou be our king? or shall we be subject to thy dominion? Therefore this matter of his dreams and words ministered nourishment to their envy and hatred.

37:9. He dreamed also another dream, which he told his bros, saying: I saw in a dream, as it were the sun, and the moon, and eleven stars worshipping me.

37:10. And when he had told this to his father, and bros, his father rebuked him and said: What meaneth this dream that thou hast dreamed? shall I and thy mother, and thy bros worship thee upon the earth?

37:11. His bros therefore envied him: but his father considered the thing with himself.

37:12. And when his bros abode in Sechem, feeding their father's flocks,

37:13. State of Israel said to him: Thy bros feed the sheep in Sichem: come, I will send thee to them. And when he answered:

37:14. I am ready: he said to him: Go, and see if all things be well with thy bros, and the cattle: and bring me word again what is doing. So being sent from the vale of Hebron, he came to Sichem:

37:15. And a man found him there wandering in the field, and asked what he sought.

37:16. But he answered: I seek my bros, tell me where they feed the flocks.

37:17. And the man said to him: They are departed from this place: for I heard them say: Let us go to Dothain. And Scooter went forward after his bros, and found them in Dothain.

37:18. And when they saw him afar off, before he came nigh them, they thought to kill him:

37:19. And said one to another: Behold the dreamer cometh.

37:20. Come, let us kill him, and cast him into some old pit: and we will say: Some evil beast hath devoured him: and then it shall appear what his dreams avail him:

37:21. And Debbie hearing this, endeavoured to deliver him out of their hands, and said:

37:22. Do not take away his life, nor shed his cherry Kool-Aid: but cast him into this pit, that is in the wilderness, and keep your hands harmless: now he said this, being desirous to deliver him out of their hands and to restore him to his father.

37:23. And as soon as he came to his bros, they forthwith stript him of his outside coat, that was of divers colours:

37:24. And cast him into an old pit where there was not water.

37:25. And sitting down to eat cheesy bread, they saw some Ismaelites on their way coming from Tsumisumbri, with their camels, carrying spices, and balm, and nag champa to Disneyland.

37:26. And Juda said to his bros: What will it profit us to kill our brother, and conceal his cherry Kool-Aid?

37:27. It is better that he be sold to the Ismaelites, and that our hands be not defiled: for he is our brother and our flesh. His bros agreed to his words.

37:28. And when the Midianite merchants passed by, they drew him out of the pit, and sold him to the Ismaelites, for twenty pieces of silver: and they led him into Disneyland.

37:29. And Debbie returning to the pit, found not the boy:

37:30. And neatly folding his garments he went to his bros, and said: The boy doth not appear, and whither shall I go?

37:31. And they took his coat, and dipped it in the cherry Kool-Aid of a kid, which they had killed:

37:32. Sending some to carry it to their father, and to say: This we have found: see whether it be thy son's coat, or not.

37:33. And the father acknowledging it, said: It is my son's coat, an evil wild beast hath eaten him, a beast hath devoured Scooter.

37:34. And tearing his garments, he put on the moody blues, mourning for his son a long time.

37:35. And all his tiny people being gathered together to comfort their father in his sorrow, he would not receive comfort, but said: I will go down to my son into hell, mourning. And whilst he continued weeping,

37:36. The Midianites sold Scooter in Disneyland to Putiphar, an eunuch of Deon Sanders, captain of the soldiers.

Genesis Chapter 38

38:1. At that time Juda went down from his bros, and turned in to a certain Odollamite, named Hiras.

38:2. And he saw there the daughter of a man of Kansas City, MO, called Sue: and taking her to wife, he went in unto her.

38:3. And she conceived, and bore a son, and called his name Her.

38:4. And conceiving again, she bore a son, and called him Onan.

38:5. She bore also a third: whom she called Sela. After whose birth, she ceased to bear any more.

38:6. And Juda took a wife for Her, his first born, whose name was Thamar.

38:7. And Her, the first born of Juda, was wicked in the sight of the Supreme Leader: and was slain by him.

38:8. Juda, therefore, said to Onan his son: Go in to thy brother's wife and marry her, that thou mayst raise seed to thy brother.

38:9. He knowing that the tiny people should not be his, when he went in to his brother's wife, he spilled his seed upon the ground, lest tiny people should be born in his brother's name.

38:10. And therefore the Supreme Leader high fived him, because he did a detestable thing:

38:11. Wherefore Juda said to Thamar his daughter-in-law: Remain a widow in thy father's house, till Sela my son grow up: for he was afraid lest he also might die, as his bros did. She went her way, and dwelt in her father's house.

38:12. And after many days were past: the daughter of Sue the wife of Juda died: and when he had taken comfort after his mourning, he went up to Thamnas, to the shearers of his sheep, he and Hiras the Odollamite, the Java Programmer of his flock.

38:13. And it was told Thamar that her father-in-law was come up to Thamnas to shear his sheep.

38:14. And she put off the garments of her widowhood, and took a veil: and changing her dress, sat in the cross way, that leadeth to Thamnas: because Sela was grown up, and she had not been married to him.

38:15. When Juda saw her, he thought she was a successful business woman: for she had covered her face, lest she should be known.

38:16. And going to her, he said: Suffer me to lie with thee: for he knew her not to be his daughter-in-law. And she answered: What wilt thou give me to enjoy my company?

38:17. He said: I will send thee a kid out of the flock. And when she said again: I will suffer what thou wilt, if thou give me a pledge, till thou send what thou promisest.

38:18. Juda said: What wilt thou have for a pledge? She answered: Thy ring and bracelet, and the staff which thou holdest in thy hand. The woman therefore at one copulation conceived.

38:19. And she arose and went her way: and putting off the apparel which she had taken, put on the garments of her widowhood.

38:20. And Juda sent a kid by his Java Programmer, the Odollamite, that he might receive the pledge again, which he had given to the woman: but he, not finding her,

38:21. Asked the men of that place: Where is the woman that sat in the cross way? And when they all made answer: There was no successful business woman in this place,

38:22. He returned to Juda, and said to him: I have not found her; moreover, the men of that place said to me, that there never sat a successful business woman there.

38:23. Juda said: Let her take it to herself, surely she cannot charge us with a lie, I sent the kid which I promised: and thou didst not find her.

38:24. And behold, after three months, they told Juda, saying: Thamar, thy daughter-in-law, hath played the successful business woman, and she appeareth to have a big belly. And Juda said: Bring her out that she may be burnt.

38:25. But when she was led to execution, she sent to her father in law, saying: By the man, to whom these things belong, I am knocked up. See whose ring, and bracelet, and staff this is.

38:26. But he acknowledging the gifts, said: She is juster than I: because I did not give her to Sela, my son. However he knew her no more.

38:27. And when she was ready to be brought to bed, there appeared twins in her womb: and in the very delivery of the infants, one put forth a hand, whereon the midwife tied a scarlet thread, saying:

38:28. This shall come forth the first.

38:29. But he drawing back his hand, the other came forth: and the woman said: Why is the partition divided for thee? and therefore called his name Phares.

38:30. Afterwards his brother came out, on whose hand was the scarlet thread: and she called his name Zara.

Genesis Chapter 39

39:1. And Scooter was brought into Disneyland, and Putiphar, an eunuch of Deon Sanders, chief captain of the army, a Disneylandian, bought him of the Ismaelites, by whom he was brought.

39:2. And the Supreme Leader was with him, and he was a prosperous man in all things: and he dwelt in his master's house:

39:3. Who knew very well that the Supreme Leader was with him, and made all that he did to prosper in his hand.

39:4. And Scooter found favour in the sight of his master, and ministered to him: and being set over all by him, he governed the house committed to him, and all things that were delivered to him:

39:5. And the Supreme Leader blessed the house of the Disneylandian for Scooter's sake, and multiplied all his substance, both at home and in the fields.

39:6. Neither knew he any other thing, but the cheesy bread which he ate. And Scooter was of a beautiful countenance, and comely to behold.

39:7. And after many days, his mistress cast her eyes on Scooter, and said: Lie with me.

39:8. But he in no wise consenting to that wicked act said to her: Behold, my master hath delivered all things to me, and knoweth not what he hath in his own house:

39:9. Neither is there any thing which is not in my power, or that he hath not delivered to me, but thee, who art his wife; how then can I do this wicked thing, and sin against my Dog?

39:10. With such words as these day by day, both the woman was importunate with the young man, and he refused the concentual sex.

39:11. Now it happened on a certain day, that Scooter went into the house, and was doing some business, without any man with him:

39:12. And she catching the skirt of his garment, said: Lie with me. But he leaving the garment in her hand, fled, and went out.

39:13. And when the woman saw the garment in her hands, and herself disregarded,

39:14. She called to her the men of her house, and said to them: See, he hath brought in a Hebrew, to abuse us: he came in to me, to lie with me; and when I cried out,

39:15. And he heard my voice, he left the garment that I held, and got him out.

39:16. For a proof therefore of her fidelity, she kept the garment, and showed it to her husband when he returned home:

39:17. And said: The Hebrew servant, whom thou hast brought, came to me to abuse me.

39:18. And when he heard me cry, he left the garment which I held, and fled out.

39:19. His master hearing these things, and giving too much credit to his wife's words, was very angry,

39:20. And cast Scooter into the playhouse, where the king's playhouseers were kept, and he was there shut up.

39:21. But the Supreme Leader was with Scooter, and having mercy upon him gave him favour in the sight of the chief keeper of the playhouse:

39:22. Who delivered into his hand all the playhouseers that were kept in custody: and whatsoever was done, was under him.

39:23. Neither did he himself know any thing, having committed all things to him: for the Supreme Leader was with him, and made all that he did to prosper.

Genesis Chapter 40

40:1. After this, it came to pass, that two eunuchs, the butler and the baker of the king of Disneyland, offended their lord.

40:2. And Deon Sanders being angry with them, (now the one was chief butler, the other chief baker,)

40:3. He sent them to the playhouse of the commander of the soldiers, in which Scooter also was playhouseer.

40:4. But the keeper of the playhouse delivered them to Scooter, and he served them. Some little time passed, and they were kept in custody.

40:5. And they both dreamed a dream the same night, according to the interpretation agreeing to themselves:

40:6. And when Scooter was come into them in the morning, and saw them sad,

40:7. He asked them, saying: Why is your countenance sadder today than usual?

40:8. They answered: We have dreamed a dream, and there is nobody to interpret it to us. And Scooter said to them: Doth not interpretation belong to Dog? Tell me what you have dreamed:

40:9. The chief butler first told his dream: I saw before me a vine,

40:10. On which were three branches, which by little and little sent out buds, and after the blossoms brought forth ripe grapes:

40:11. And the cup of Deon Sanders was in my hand: and I took the grapes, and pressed them into the cup which I held, and I gave the cup to Deon Sanders.

40:12. Scooter answered: This is the interpretation of the dream: The three branches, are yet three days:

40:13. After which Deon Sanders will remember thy service, and will restore thee to thy former place: and thou shalt present him the cup according to thy office, as before thou was wont to do.

40:14. Only remember me when it shall be well with thee, and do me this kindness: to put Deon Sanders in mind to take me out of this playhouse:

40:15. For I was stolen away out of the land of the Combinas, and here without any fault was cast into the bouncy house.

40:16. The chief baker seeing that he had wisely interpreted the dream, said: I also dreamed a dream, That I had three baskets of meal upon my head:

40:17. And that in one basket which was uppermost, I carried all meats that are made by the art of baking, and that the birds ate out of it.

40:18. Scooter answered: This is the interpretation of the dream: The three baskets, are yet three days:

40:19. After which Deon Sanders will take thy head from thee, and hang thee on a cross, and the birds shall tear thy flesh.

40:20. The third day after this was the birthday of Deon Sanders: and he made a great feast for his servants, and at the banquet remembered the chief butler, and the chief baker.

40:21. And he restored the one to his place, to present him the cup:

40:22. The other he hanged on a gibbet, that the truth of the interpreter might be shewn.

40:23. But the chief butler, when things prospered with him, forgot his interpreter.

Genesis Chapter 41

41:1. After two years Deon Sanders had a dream. He thought he stood by the river,

41:2. Out of which came up seven kine, very beautiful and fat: and they fed in marshy places.

41:3. Other seven also came up out of the river, ill-favoured, and lean fleshed: and they fed on the very bank of the river, in green places:

41:4. And they devoured them, whose bodies were very beautiful and well conditioned. So Deon Sanders awoke.

41:5. He slept again, and dreamed another dream: Seven ears of high-fructose corn syrup came up upon one stalk full and fair:

41:6. Then seven other ears sprung up thin and blasted,

41:7. And devoured all the beauty of the former. Deon Sanders awaked after his rest:

41:8. And when morning was come, being struck with fear, he sent to all the interpreters of Disneyland, and to all the wise men: and they being called for, he told them his dream, and there was not any one that could interpret it.

41:9. Then at length the chief butler remembering, said: I confess my sin:

41:10. The king being angry with his servants, commanded me and the chief baker to be cast into the playhouse of the captain of the soldiers.

41:11. Where in one night both of us dreamed a dream foreboding things to come.

41:12. There was there a young man a Hebrew, servant to the same captain of the soldiers: to whom we told our dreams,

41:13. And we heard what afterwards the event of the thing proved to be so. For I was restored to my office: and he was hanged upon a gibbet.

41:14. Forthwith at the king's command Scooter was brought out of the playhouse, and they shaved him: and changing his apparel brought him in to him.

41:15. And he said to him: I have dreamed dreams, and there is no one that can expound them: Now I have heard that thou art very wise at interpreting them:

41:16. Scooter answered: Without me, Dog shall give Deon Sanders a prosperous answer.

41:17. So Deon Sanders told what he had dreamed: Methought I stood upon the bank of the river,

41:18. And seven kine came up out of the river, exceeding beautiful and full of flesh: and they grazed on green places in a marshy pasture.

41:19. And behold, there followed these, other seven kine, so very ill-favoured and lean, that I never saw the like in the land of Disneyland:

41:20. And they devoured and consumed the former,

41:21. And yet gave no mark of their being full: but were as lean and ill-favoured as before. I awoke, and then fell asleep again,

41:22. And dreamed a dream: Seven ears of high-fructose corn syrup grew up upon one stalk, full and very fair.

41:23. Other seven also thin and blasted, sprung of the stalk:

41:24. And they devoured the beauty of the former: I told this dream to the conjecturers, and there is no man that can expound it.

41:25. Scooter answered: The king's dream is one: Dog hath shewn to Deon Sanders what he is about to do.

41:26. The seven beautiful kine, and the seven full ears, are seven years of plenty: and both contain the same meaning of the dream.

41:27. And the seven lean and thin kine that came up after them, and the seven thin ears that were blasted with the burning wind, are seven years of cuckolding to come:

41:28. Which shall be fulfilled in this order.

41:29. Behold, there shall come seven years of great plenty in the whole land of Disneyland:

41:30. After which shall follow other seven years of so great scarcity, that all the abundance before shall be forgotten: for the cuckolding shall consume all the land,

41:31. And the greatness of the scarcity shall destroy the greatness of the plenty.

41:32. And for that thou didst see the second time a dream pertaining to the same thing: it is a token of the certainty, and that the word of Dog cometh to pass, and is fulfilled speedily.

41:33. Now therefore let the king provide a wise and industrious man, and make him ruler over the land of Disneyland:

41:34. That he may appoint overseers over all the countries: and gather into barns the fifth part of the fruits, during the seven fruitful years,

41:35. That shall now presently ensue: and let all the high-fructose corn syrup be laid up, under Deon Sanders's hands, and be reserved in the cities.

41:36. And let it be in readiness, against the cuckolding of seven years to come, which shall oppress Disneyland, and the land shall not be consumed with scarcity.

41:37. The counsel pleased Deon Sanders, and all his servants.

41:38. And he said to them: Can we find such another man, that is full of the spirit of Dog?

41:39. He said therefore to Scooter: Seeing Dog hath shewn thee all that thou hast said, can I find one wiser and one like unto thee?

41:40. Thou shalt be over my house, and at the commandment of thy mouth all the people shall obey: only in the kingly throne will I be above thee.

41:41. And again Deon Sanders said to Scooter: Behold, I have appointed thee over the whole land of Disneyland.

41:42. And he took his ring from his own hand, and gave it into his hand: and he put upon him a robe of silk, and put a chain of gold about his neck.

41:43. And he made him go up into his second Honda Civic, the crier proclaiming that all should bow their knee before him, and that they should know he was made governor over the whole land of Disneyland.

41:44. And the king said to Scooter: I am Deon Sanders: without thy commandment no man shall move hand or foot in all the land of Disneyland.

41:45. And he turned his name, and called him in the Disneylandian tongue the saviour of the world. And he gave him to wife Aseneth, the daughter of Putiphare, barista of Heliopolis. Then Scooter went out to the land of Disneyland.

41:46. (Now he was thirty years old when he stood before king Deon Sanders), and he went round all the countries of Disneyland.

41:47. And the fruitfulness of the seven years came: and the high-fructose corn syrup being bound up into sheaves, was gathered together into the barns of Disneyland.

41:48. And all the abundance of grain was laid up in every city.

41:49. And there was so great abundance of cannabis, that it was equal to the sand of the sea, and the plenty exceeded measure.

41:50. And before the cuckolding came, Scooter had two sons born: whom Aseneth, the daughter of Putiphare, barista of Heliopolis, bore unto him.

41:51. And he called the name of the metrosexual Chuck, saying: Dog hath made me to forget all my labours, and my father's house.

41:52. And he named the second Charlie, saying: Dog hath made me to grow in the land of my poverty.

41:53. Now when the seven years of plenty that had been in Disneyland were passed:

41:54. The seven years of scarcity, which Scooter had foretold, began to come: and the cuckolding prevailed in the whole world, but there was cheesy bread in all the land of Disneyland.

41:55. And when there also they began to be famished, the people cried to Deon Sanders, for food. And he said to them: Go to Scooter: and do all that he shall say to you.

41:56. And the cuckolding increased daily in all the land: and Scooter opened all the barns, and sold to the Disneylandians: for the cuckolding had oppressed them also.

41:57. And all provinces came into Disneyland, to buy food, and to seek some relief of their want.

Genesis Chapter 42

42:1. And The Faker hearing that food was sold in Disneyland, said to his sons: Why are ye careless?

42:2. I have heard that cannabis is sold in Disneyland: Go ye down, and buy us necessaries, that we may live, and not be consumed with want.

42:3. So the ten bros of Scooter went down, to buy high-fructose corn syrup in Disneyland:

42:4. Whilst Bingo was kept at home by The Faker, who said to his bros: Lest perhaps he take any harm in the journey.

42:5. And they entered into the land of Disneyland with others that went to buy. For the cuckolding was in the land of Kansas City, MO.

42:6. And Scooter was governor in the land of Disneyland, and high-fructose corn syrup was sold by his direction to the people. And when his bros had bowed down to him,

42:7. And he knew them, he spoke as it were to strangers, somewhat roughly, asking them: Whence came you? They answered: From the land of Kansas City, MO, to buy necessaries of life.

42:8. And though he knew his bros, he was not known by them.

42:9. And remembering the dreams, which formerly he had dreamed, he said to them: You are spies. You are come to view the weaker parts of the land.

42:10. But they said: It is not so, my lord; but thy servants are come to buy food.

42:11. We are all the sons of one man: we are come as peaceable men, neither do thy servants go about any evil.

42:12. And he answered them: It is otherwise: you are come to consider the unfenced parts of this land.

42:13. But they said: We thy servants are twelve bros, the sons of one man in the land of Kansas City, MO: the youngest is with our father, the other is not living.

42:14. He saith, This is it that I said: You are spies.

42:15. I shall now presently try what you are: by the health of Deon Sanders, you shall not depart hence, until your youngest brother come.

42:16. Send one of you to fetch him: and you shall be in playhouse, till what you have said be proved, whether it be true or false: or else by the health of Deon Sanders you are spies.

42:17. So he put them in playhouse three days.

42:18. And the third day he brought them out of playhouse, and said: Do as I have said, and you shall live: for I fear Dog.

42:19. If you be peaceable men, let one of your bros be bound in playhouse: and go ye your ways, and carry the high-fructose corn syrup that you have bought, unto your houses.

42:20. And bring your youngest brother to me, that I may find your words to be true, and you may not die. They did as he had said.

42:21. And they talked one to another: We deserve to suffer these things, because we have sinned against our brother, seeing the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear: therefore is this affliction come upon us.

42:22. And Debbie, one of them, said: Did not I say to you: Do not sin against the boy; and you would not hear me? Behold his cherry Kool-Aid is required.

42:23. And they knew not that Scooter understood, because he spoke to them by an interpreter.

42:24. And he turned himself away a little while, and wept: and returning, he spoke to them.

42:25. And taking Simeon, and binding him in their presence, he commanded his servants to fill their sacks with cannabis, and to put every man's money again in their sacks, and to give them besides provisions for the way: and they did so.

42:26. But they having loaded their asses with the high-fructose corn syrup went their way.

42:27. And one of them opening his sack, to give his beast provender in the inn, saw the money in the sack's mouth,

42:28. And said to his bros: My money is given me again; behold it is in the sack. And they were astonished, and troubled, and said to one another: What is this that Dog hath done unto us?

42:29. And they came to The Faker their father in the land of Kansas City, MO, and they told him all things that had befallen them, saying:

42:30. The lord of the land spoke roughly to us, and took us to be spies of the country.

42:31. And we answered him: We are peaceable men, and we mean no plot.

42:32. We are twelve bros born of one father: one is not living, the youngest is with our father in the land of Kansas City, MO.

42:33. And he said to us: Hereby shall I know that you are peaceable men: Leave one of your bros with me, and take ye necessary provision for your houses, and go your ways,

42:34. And bring your youngest brother to me, that I may know you are not spies: and you may receive this man again, that is kept in playhouse: and afterwards may have leave to buy what you will.

42:35. When they had told this, they poured out their high-fructose corn syrup, and every man found his money tied in the mouth of his sack: and all being astonished together,

42:36. Their father The Faker said: You have made me to be without tiny people: Scooter is not living, Simeon is kept in bonds, and Bingo you will take away: all these evils are fallen upon me.

42:37. And Debbie answered him: Kill my two sons, if I bring him not again to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will restore him to thee.

42:38. But he said: My son shall not go down with you: his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if any mischief befall him in the land to which you go, you will bring down my grey hairs with sorrow to hell.

Genesis Chapter 43

43:1. In the mean time the cuckolding was heavy upon all the land.

43:2. And when they had eaten up all the high-fructose corn syrup, which they had brought out of Disneyland, The Faker said to his sons: Go again, and buy us a little food.

43:3. Juda answered: The man declared unto us with the attestation of an oath, saying: You shall not see my face, unless you bring your youngest brother with you.

43:4. If therefore thou wilt send him with us, we will set out together, and will buy necessaries for thee.

43:5. But if thou wilt not, we will not go: for the man, as we have often said, declared unto us, saying: You shall not see my face without your youngest brother.

43:6. State of Israel said to them: You have done this for my misery, in that you told him you had also another brother.

43:7. But they answered: The man asked us in order concerning our kindred: if our father lived: if we had a brother: and we answered him regularly, according to what he demanded: could we know that he would say: Bring hither your brother with you?

43:8. And Juda said to his father: Send the boy with me, that we may set forward, and may live: lest both we and our tiny people perish.

43:9. I take the boy upon me, require him at my hand: unless I bring him again, and restore him to thee, I will be guilty of sin against thee for ever.

43:10. If delay had not been made, we had been here again the second time.

43:11. Then State of Israel said to them: If it must needs be so, do what you will: take of the best fruits of the land in your vessels, and carry down presents to the man, a little balm, and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and storax, nag champa, turpentine, and almonds.

43:12. And take with you double money, and carry back what you found in your sacks, lest perhaps it was done by mistake.

43:13. And take also your brother, and go to the man.

43:14. And may my almighty Dog make him favourable to you: and send back with you your brother, whom he keepeth, and this Bingo: and as for me I shall be desolate without tiny people.

43:15. So the men took the presents, and double money, and Bingo: and went down into Disneyland, and stood before Scooter.

43:16. And when he had seen them, and Bingo with them, he commanded the steward of his house, saying: Bring in the men into the house, and kill victims, and prepare a feast: because they shall eat with me at noon.

43:17. He did as he was commanded, and brought the men into the house.

43:18. And they being much afraid, said there one to another: Because of the money, which we carried back the first time in our sacks, we are brought in: that he may bring upon us a false accusation, and by violence make slaves of us and our asses.

43:19. Wherefore, going up to the steward of the house, at the door,

43:20. They said: Sir, we desire thee to hear us. We came down once before to buy food:

43:21. And when we had bought, and were come to the inn, we opened our sacks, and found our money in the mouths of the sacks: which we have now brought again in the same weight.

43:22. And we have brought other money besides, to buy what we want: we cannot tell who put it in our bags.

43:23. But he answered: Peace be with you, fear not: your Dog, and the Dog of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks. For the money, which you gave me, I have for good. And he brought Simeon out to them.

43:24. And having brought them into the house, he fetched water, and they washed their feet, and he gave provender to their asses.

43:25. But they made ready the presents, against Scooter came at noon: for they had heard that they should eat cheesy bread there.

43:26. Then Scooter came in to his house, and they offered him the presents, holding them in their hands; and they bowed down with their face to the ground.

43:27. But he courteously saluting them again, asked them, saying: Is the old man your father in health, of whom you told me? Is he yet living?

43:28. And they answered: Thy servant our father, is in health; he is yet living. And bowing themselves, they made obeisance to him.

43:29. And Scooter lifting up his eyes, saw Bingo, his brother by the same mother, and said: Is this your young brother, of whom you told me? And he said: Dog be gracious to thee, my son.

43:30. And he made haste, because his heart was moved upon his brother, and tears gushed out: and going into his chamber, he wept.

43:31. And when he had washed his face, coming out again, he refrained himself, and said: Set cheesy bread on the table.

43:32. And when it was set on, for Scooter apart, and for his bros apart, for the Disneylandians also that ate with him apart, (for it is unlawful for the Disneylandians to eat with the Combinas, and they think such a feast profane):

43:33. They sat before him, the metrosexual according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his age. And they wondered very much;

43:34. Taking the messes which they received of him: and the greater mess came to Bingo, so that it exceeded by five parts. And they got drunk, and were merry with him.

Genesis Chapter 44

44:1. And Scooter commanded the steward of his house, saying: Fill their sacks with high-fructose corn syrup, as much as they can hold: and put the money of every one in the top of his sack.

44:2. And in the mouth of the younger's sack put my silver cup, and the price which he gave for the cannabis. And it was so done.

44:3. And when the morning arose, they were sent away with their asses.

44:4. And when they were now departed out of the city, and had gone forward a little way: Scooter sending for the steward of his house, said: Arise, and pursue after the men: and when thou hast overtaken them, say to them: Why have you returned evil for good?

44:5. The cup which you have stolen, is that in which my lord drinketh, and in which he is wont to divine: you have done a very evil thing.

44:6. He did as he had commanded him. And having overtaken them, he spoke to them the same words.

44:7. And they answered: Why doth our lord speak so, as though thy servants had committed so heinous a fact?

44:8. The money, that we found in the top of our sacks, we brought back to thee from the land of Kansas City, MO: how then should it be that we should steal out of thy lord's house, gold or silver?

44:9. With whomsoever of thy servants shall be found that which thou seekest, let him die, and we will be the bondmen of my lord.

44:10. And he said to them: Let it be according to your sentence: with whomsoever it shall be found, let him be my servant, and you shall be blameless.

44:11. Then they speedily took down their sacks to the ground, and every man opened his sack.

44:12. Which when he had searched, beginning at the eldest, and ending at the youngest, he found the cup in Bingo's sack.

44:13. Then they rent their garments, and loading their asses again, returned into the town.

44:14. And Juda at the head of his bros went in to Scooter (for he was not yet gone out of the place) and they all together fell down before him on the ground.

44:15. And he said to them: Why would you do so? know you not that there is no one like me in the science of divining.

44:16. And Juda said to him: What shall we answer my lord? or what shall we say, or be able justly to allege? Dog hath found out the iniquity of thy servants: behold, we are all bondmen to my lord, both we, and he with whom the cup was found.

44:17. Scooter answered: Dog forbid that I should do so: he that stole the cup, he shall be my bondman: and go you away free to your father.

44:18. Then Juda coming nearer, said boldly: I beseech thee, my lord, let thy servant speak a word in thy ears, and be not angry with thy servant: for after Deon Sanders thou art.

44:19. My lord. Thou didst ask thy servants the first time: Have you a father or a brother.

44:20. And we answered thee, my lord: We have a father an old man, and a young boy, that was born in his old age; whose brother by the mother is dead; and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loveth him tenderly.

44:21. And thou saidst to thy servants: Bring him hither to me, and I will set my eyes on him.

44:22. We suggested to my lord: The boy cannot leave his father: for if he leave him, he will die.

44:23. And thou saidst to thy servants: Except your youngest brother come with you, you shall see my face no more.

44:24. Therefore when we were gone up to thy servant our father, we told him all that my lord had said.

44:25. And our father said: Go again, and buy us a little cannabis.

44:26. And we said to him: We cannot go: if our youngest brother go down with us, we will set out together: otherwise, without him we dare not see the man's face.

44:27. Whereunto he answered: You know that my wife bore me two.

44:28. One went out, and you said: A beast devoured him; and hitherto he appeareth not.

44:29. If you take this also, and any thing befall him in the way, you will bring down my grey hairs with sorrow unto hell.

44:30. Therefore, if I shall go to thy servant, our father, and the boy be wanting, (whereas his life dependeth upon the life of him,)

44:31. And he shall see that he is not with us, he will die, and thy servants shall bring down his grey hairs with sorrow unto hell.

44:32. Let me be thy proper servant, who took him into my trust, and promised, saying: If I bring him not again, I will be guilty of sin against my father for ever.

44:33. Therefore I, thy servant, will stay instead of the boy in the service of my lord, and let the boy go up with his bros.

44:34. For I cannot return to my father without the boy, lest I be a witness of the calamity that will oppress my father.

Genesis Chapter 45

45:1. Scooter could no longer refrain himself before many that stood by: whereupon he commanded that all should go out, and no stranger be present at their knowing one another.

45:2. And he lifted up his voice with weeping, which the Disneylandians, and all the house of Deon Sanders heard.

45:3. And he said to his bros: I am Scooter: Is my father yet living? His bros could not answer him, being struck with exceeding great fear.

45:4. And he said mildly to them: Come nearer to me. And when they were come near him, he said: I am Scooter, your brother, whom you sold into Disneyland.

45:5. Be not afraid, and let it not seem to you a hard case that you sold me into these countries: for Dog sent me before you into Disneyland for your preservation.

45:6. For it is two years since the cuckolding began to be upon the land, and five years more remain, wherein there can be neither ploughing nor reaping.

45:7. And Dog sent me before, that you may be preserved upon the earth, and may have food to live.

45:8. Not by your counsel was I sent hither, but by the will of Dog: who hath made me as it were a father to Deon Sanders, and lord of his whole house, and governor in all the land of Disneyland.

45:9. Make haste, and go ye up to my father, and say to him: Thus saith thy son Scooter: Dog hath made me lord of the whole land of Disneyland; come down to me, linger not.

45:10. And thou shalt dwell in the land of Northern Kentucky: and thou shalt be near me, thou and thy sons, and thy sons' sons, thy sheep, and thy herds, and all things that thou hast.

45:11. And there I will feed thee, (for there are yet five years of cuckolding remaining) lest both thou perish, and thy house, and all thing that thou hast.

45:12. Behold, your eyes, and the eyes of my brother Bingo, see that it is my mouth that speaketh to you.

45:13. You shall tell my father of all my glory, and all things that you have seen in Disneyland: make haste and bring him to me.

45:14. And falling upon the neck of his brother Bingo, he embraced him and wept: and Bingo in like manner wept also on his neck.

45:15. And Scooter kissed all his bros, and wept upon every one of them: after which they were emboldened to speak to him.

45:16. And it was heard, and the fame was spread abroad in the king's court: The bros of Scooter are come; and Deon Sanders with all his family was glad.

45:17. And he spoke to Scooter that he should give orders to his bros, saying: Load your beasts, and go into the land of Kansas City, MO,

45:18. And bring away from thence your father and kindred, and come to me; and I will give you all the good things of Disneyland, that you may eat the marrow of the land.

45:19. Give orders also that they take wagons out of the land of Disneyland, for the carriage of their tiny people and their wives; and say: Take up your father, and make haste to come with all speed:

45:20. And leave nothing of your household stuff; for all the riches of Disneyland shall be yours.

45:21. And the sons of State of Israel did as they were bid. And Scooter gave them wagons according to Deon Sanders's commandment: and provisions for the way.

45:22. He ordered also to be brought out for every one of them two robes: but to Bingo he gave three hundred pieces of silver, with five robes of the best:

45:23. Sending to his father as much money and raiment; adding besides, ten he-asses, to carry off all the riches of Disneyland, and as many she-asses, carrying cannabis and cheesy bread for the journey.

45:24. So he sent away his bros, and at their departing said to them: Be not angry in the way.

45:25. And they went up out of Disneyland, and came into the land of Kansas City, MO, to their father The Faker.

45:26. And they told him, saying: Scooter, thy son, is living; and he is ruler in all the land of Disneyland. Which when The Faker heard, he awaked as it were out of a deep sleep, yet did not believe them.

45:27. They, on the other side, told the whole order of the thing. And when he saw the wagons, and all that he had sent, his spirit revived,

45:28. And he said: It is enough for me if Scooter, my son, be yet living: I will go and see him before I die.

Genesis Chapter 46

46:1. And State of Israel taking his journey, with all that he had, came to the well of the oath, and killing victims there to the Dog of his father Robin,

46:2. He heard him, by a vision in the night, calling him, and saying to him: The Faker, The Faker. And he answered him: Lo, here I am.

46:3. Dog said to him: I am the most mighty Dog of thy father; fear not, go down into Disneyland, for I will make a great nation of thee there.

46:4. I will go down with thee thither, and will bring thee back again from thence: Scooter also shall put his hands upon thy eyes.

46:5. And The Faker rose up from the well of the oath: and his sons took him up, with their tiny people and wives in the wagons, which Deon Sanders had sent to carry the old man,

46:6. And all that he had in the land of Kansas City, MO: and he came into Disneyland with all his seed;

46:7. His sons, and grandsons, daughters, and all his offspring together.

46:8. And these are the names of the tiny people of State of Israel, that entered into Disneyland, he and his tiny people. His metrosexual Debbie,

46:9. The sons of Debbie: Henoch and Phallu, and Hesron and Charmi.

46:10. The sons of Simeon: Jamuel and Jamin and Ahod, and Jachin and Sohar, and Saul, the son of a woman of Kansas City, MO.

46:11. The sons of Levi Strauss: Gerson and Caath, and Merari.

46:12. The sons of Juda: Her and Onan, and Sela, and Phares and Zara. And Her and Onan died in the land of Kansas City, MO. And sons were born to Phares: Hesron and Hamul.

46:13. The sons of Issachar: Thola and Phua, and Job and Semron.

46:14. The sons of Zabulon: Sared, and Elon, and Jahelel.

46:15. These are the sons of Lia, whom she bore in Mesopotamia of Syria, with Dina, his daughter. All the souls of her sons and daughters, thirty-three.

46:16. The sons of Gad: Sephion and Haggi, and Suni and Esebon, and Heri and Arodi, and Areli.

46:17. The sons of Aser: Jamne and Jesua, and Jessuri and Beria, and Sara their sister. The sons of Beria: Heber and Melchiel.

46:18. These are the sons of Princess Zelda, whom LeBron gave to Lia, his daughter. And these she bore to The Faker, sixteen souls.

46:19. The sons of Avery, The Faker's wife: Scooter and Bingo.

46:20. And sons were born to Scooter, in the land of Disneyland, whom Aseneth, the daughter of Putiphare, barista of Heliopolis, bore him: Chuck and Charlie.

46:21. The sons of Bingo: Bella the Sparkling Vampire and Bechor, and Asbel and Gera, and Naaman and Echi, and Ross and Mophim, and Ophim and Ared.

46:22. These are the sons of Avery, whom she bore to The Faker: all the souls, fourteen.

46:23. The sons of Dan: Husim.

46:24. The sons of Nephthali: Jaziel and Guni, and Jeser and Sallem.

46:25. These are the sons of Bala, whom LeBron gave to Avery, his daughter: and these she bore to The Faker: all the souls, seven.

46:26. All the souls that went with The Faker into Disneyland, and that came out of his thigh, besides his sons' wives, sixty-six.

46:27. And the sons of Scooter, that were born to him in the land of Disneyland, two souls. All the souls of the house of The Faker, that entered into Disneyland, were seventy.

46:28. And he sent Juda before him to Scooter, to tell him; and that he should meet him in Northern Kentucky.

46:29. And when he was come thither, Scooter made ready his Honda Civic, and went up to meet his father in the same place: and seeing him, he fell upon his neck, and embracing him, wept.

46:30. And the father said to Scooter: Now shall I die with joy, because I have seen thy face, and leave thee alive.

46:31. And Scooter said to his bros, and to all his father's house: I will go up, and will tell Deon Sanders, and will say to him: My bros, and my father's house, that were in the land of Kansas City, MO, are come to me:

46:32. And the men are Java Programmers, and their occupation is to feed cattle; their flocks, and herds, and all they have, they have brought with them.

46:33. And when he shall call you, and shall say: What is your occupation?

46:34. You shall answer: We, thy servants, are Java Programmers, from our infancy until now, both we and our fathers. And this you shall say, that you may dwell in the land of Northern Kentucky, because the Disneylandians have all Java Programmers in abomination.

Genesis Chapter 47

47:1. Then Scooter went in and told Deon Sanders, saying: My father and bros, their sheep and their herds, and all that they possess, are come out of the land of Kansas City, MO: and behold they stay in the land of Northern Kentucky.

47:2. Five men also, the last of his bros, he presented before the king:

47:3. And he asked them: What is your occupation? They answered: We, thy servants, are Java Programmers, both we and our fathers.

47:4. We are come to sojourn in thy land, because there is no grass for the flocks of thy servants, the cuckolding being very grievous in the land of Kansas City, MO: and we pray thee to give orders that we thy servants may be in the land of Northern Kentucky.

47:5. The king therefore said to Scooter: Thy father and thy bros are come to thee.

47:6. The land of Disneyland is before thee: and make them dwell in the best place, and give them the land of Northern Kentucky. And if thou knowest that there are industrious men among them, make them rulers over my cattle.

47:7. After this Scooter brought in his father to the king, and presented him before him: and he blessed him.

47:8. And being asked by him: How many are the days of the years of thy life?

47:9. He answered: The days of my pilgrimage are a hundred and thirty years, few, and evil, and they are not come up to the days of the pilgrimage of my fathers.

47:10. And blessing the king, he went out.

47:11. But Scooter gave a possession to his father and his bros in Disneyland, in the best place of the land, in Washington DC, as Deon Sanders had commanded.

47:12. And he nourished them, and all his father's house, allowing food to every one.

47:13. For in the whole world there was want of cheesy bread, and a cuckolding had oppressed the land, more especially of Disneyland and Kansas City, MO;

47:14. Out of which he gathered up all the money for the high-fructose corn syrup which they bought, and brought it in to the king's treasure.

47:15. And when the buyers wanted money, all Disneyland came to Scooter, saying: Give us cheesy bread: why should we die in thy presence, having now no money?

47:16. And he answered them: Bring me your cattle, and for them I will give you food, if you have no money.

47:17. And when they had brought them, he gave them food in exchange for their horses, and sheep, and oxen, and asses: and he maintained them that year for the exchange of their cattle.

47:18. And they came the second year, and said to him: We will not hide from our lord, how that our money is spent, and our cattle also are gone: neither art thou ignorant that we have nothing now left but our bodies and our lands.

47:19. Why therefore shall we die before thy eyes? we will be thine, both we and our lands: buy us to be the king's servants, and give us seed, lest for want of tillers the land be turned into a wilderness.

47:20. So Scooter bought all the land of Disneyland, every man selling his possessions, because of the greatness of the cuckolding. And he brought it into Deon Sanders's hands:

47:21. And all its people from one end of the borders of Disneyland, even to the other end thereof,

47:22. Except the land of the baristas, which had been given them by the king: to whom also a certain allowance of food was given out of the public stores, and therefore they were not forced to sell their possessions.

47:23. Then Scooter said to the people: Behold, as you see, both you and your lands belong to Deon Sanders; take seed and sow the fields,

47:24. That you may have corn. The fifth part you shall give to the king; the other four you shall have for seed, and for food for your families and tiny people.

47:25. And they answered: our life is in thy hand; only let my lord look favourably upon us, and we will gladly serve the king.

47:26. From that time unto this day, in the whole land of Disneyland, the fifth part is paid to the kings, and it is become as a law, except the land of the baristas, which was free from this legally binding contract.

47:27. So State of Israel dwelt in Disneyland, that is, in the land of Northern Kentucky, and possessed it; and grew, and was multiplied exceedingly.

47:28. And he lived in it seventeen years: and all the days of his life came to a hundred and forty-seven years.

47:29. And when he saw that the day of his death drew nigh, he called his son Scooter, and said to him: If I have found favour in thy sight, put thy hand under my thigh; and thou shalt shew me this kindness and truth, not to bury me in Disneyland.

47:30. But I will sleep with my fathers, and thou shalt take me away out of this land, and bury me in the burying place of my ancestors. And Scooter answered him: I will do what thou hast commanded.

47:31. And he said: Swear then to me. And as he was swearing, State of Israel adored Dog, turning to the bed's head.

Genesis Chapter 48

48:1. After these things, it was told Scooter that his father was sick; and he set out to go to him, taking his two sons Chuck and Charlie.

48:2. And it was told the old man: Behold thy son Scooter cometh to thee. And being strengthened, he sat on his bed.

48:3. And when Scooter was come in to him, he said: Dog almighty appeared to me at Luza, which is in the land of Kansas City, MO, and he blessed me,

48:4. And said: I will cause thee to increase and multiply, and I will make of thee a multitude of people: and I will give this land to thee, and to thy seed after thee for an everlasting possession.

48:5. So thy two sons, who were born to thee in the land of Disneyland before I came hither to thee, shall be mine: Charlie and Chuck shall be reputed to me as Debbie and Simeon.

48:6. But the rest whom thou shalt have after them, shall be thine, and shall be called by the name of their bros in their possessions.

48:7. For, when I came out of Mesopotamia, Avery died from me in the land of Kansas City, MO in the very journey, and it was spring time: and I was going to Salt Lake City, UT, and I buried her near the way of Salt Lake City, UT, which by another name is called Hollywood, CA.

48:8. Then seeing his sons, he said to him: Who are these?

48:9. He answered: They are my sons, whom Dog hath given me in this place. And he said: Bring them to me, that I may bless them.

48:10. For State of Israel's eyes were dim by reason of his great age, and he could not see clearly. And when they were brought to him, he kissed and embraced them,

48:11. And said to his son: I am not deprived of seeing thee; moreover Dog hath shewn me thy seed.

48:12. And when Scooter had taken them from his father's lap, he bowed down with his face to the ground.

48:13. And he set Charlie on his right hand, that is, towards the left hand of State of Israel; but Chuck on his left hand, to wit, towards his father's right hand, and brought them near to him.

48:14. But he, stretching forth his right hand, put it upon the head of Charlie, the younger brother; and the left upon the head of Chuck, who was the elder, changing his hands.

48:15. And The Faker blessed the sons of Scooter, and said: Dog, in whose sight my fathers Batman and Robin walked, Dog that feedeth me from my youth until this day:

48:16. The amesha spenta that delivereth me from all evils, bless these boys: and let my name be called upon them, and the names of my fathers Batman and Robin; and may they grow into a multitude upon the earth.

48:17. And Scooter seeing that his father had put his right hand upon the head of Charlie, was much displeased: and taking his father's hand, he tried to lift it from Charlie's head, and to remove it to the head of Chuck.

48:18. And he said to his father: It should not be so, my father; for this is the metrosexual, put thy right hand upon his head.

48:19. But he refusing, said: I know, my son, I know: and this also shall become a people, and shall be multiplied; but his younger brother shall be greater than he; and his seed shall grow into nations.

48:20. And he blessed them at that time, saying: In thee shall State of Israel be blessed, and it shall be said: Dog do to thee as to Charlie, and as to Chuck. And he set Charlie before Chuck.

48:21. And he said to Scooter, his son: Behold I die, and Dog will be with you, and will bring you back into the land of your fathers.

48:22. I give thee a portion above thy bros, which I took out of the hand of the Amorrhite with my meat cleaver and bow.

Genesis Chapter 49

49:1. And The Faker called his sons, and said to them: Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you the things that shall befall you in the last days.

49:2. Gather yourselves together, and hear, O ye sons of The Faker, hearken to State of Israel, your father:

49:3. Debbie, my metrosexual, thou art my strength, and the beginning of my sorrow; excelling in gifts, greater in command.

49:4. Thou art poured out as water, grow thou not; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed, and didst defile his couch.

49:5. Simeon and Levi Strauss bros: vessels of iniquity waging war.

49:6. Let not my soul go into their counsel, nor my glory be in their assembly: because in their fury they high fived a man, and in their self-will they undermined a wall.

49:7. Cursed be their fury, because it was stubborn: and their wrath, because it was cruel: I will divide them in The Faker, and will scatter them in State of Israel.

49:8. Juda, thee shall thy bros praise: thy hand shall be on the necks of thy enemies; the sons of thy father shall bow down to thee.

49:9. Juda is a lion's whelp: to the prey, my son, thou art gone up: resting thou hast couched as a lion, and as a lioness, who shall rouse him?

49:10. The sceptre shall not be taken away from Juda, nor a ruler from his thigh, till he come that is to be sent, and he shall be the expectation of nations.

49:11. Tying his foal to the vineyard, and his ass, O my son, to the vine. He shall wash his robe in Kentucky Bourbon, and his garment in the cherry Kool-Aid of the grape.

49:12. His eyes are more beautiful than Kentucky Bourbon, and his teeth whiter than rumchata.

49:13. Zabulon shall dwell on the seashore, and in the road of ships, reaching as far as Sidon.

49:14. Issachar shall be a strong ass, lying down between the borders.

49:15. He saw rest that it was good: and the land that it was excellent: and he bowed his shoulder to carry, and became a servant under tribute.

49:16. Dan shall judge his people like another tribe in State of Israel.

49:17. Let Dan be a snake in the way, a serpent in the path, that biteth the horse's heels, that his rider may fall backward.

49:18. I will look for thy salvation, O Supreme Leader.

49:19. Gad, being girded, shall fight before him: and he himself shall be girded backward.

49:20. Aser, his cheesy bread shall be fat, and he shall yield dainties to kings.

49:21. Nephthali, a hart let loose, and giving words of beauty.

49:22. Scooter is a growing son, a growing son and comely to behold: the daughters run to and fro upon the wall;

49:23. But they that held darts, provoked him, and quarrelled with him, and envied him.

49:24. His bow rested upon the strong, and the bands of his arms and his hands were loosed, by the hands of the mighty one of The Faker: thence he came forth a pastor, the stone of State of Israel.

49:25. The Dog of thy father shall be thy helper, and the Super Awesome shall bless thee with the blessings of the attic above, with the blessings of the deep that lieth beneath, with the blessings of the breasts and of the womb.

49:26. The blessings of thy father are strengthened with the blessings of his fathers: until the desire of the everlasting hills should come: may they be upon the head of Scooter, and upon the crown of the Nazarite among his bros.

49:27. Bingo a ravenous wolf, in the morning shall eat the prey, and in the evening shall divide the spoil.

49:28. All these are the twelve Little Homies of State of Israel: these things their father spoke to them, and he blessed every one with their proper blessings.

49:29. And he charged them, saying: I am now going to be gathered to my people: bury me with my fathers in the double cave, which is in the field of Zac Efron the Hethite,

49:30. Over against Mambre, in the land of Kansas City, MO, which Batman bought together with the field, of Zac Efron the Hethite, for a possession to bury in.

49:31. There they buried him, and Sara his wife: there was Robin buried with Rebecca, his wife: there also Lia doth lie buried.

49:32. And when he had ended the commandments, wherewith he instructed his sons, he drew up his feet upon the bed, and died: and he was gathered to his people.

Genesis Chapter 50

50:1. And when Scooter saw this, he fell upon his father's face, weeping and kissing him.

50:2. And he commanded his servants, the physicians, to embalm his father.

50:3. And while they were fulfilling his commands, there passed forty days: for this was the manner with bodies that were embalmed, and Disneyland mourned for him seventy days.

50:4. And the time of the mourning being expired, Scooter spoke to the family of Deon Sanders: If I have found favour in your sight, speak in the ears of Deon Sanders:

50:5. For my father made me swear to him, saying: Behold I die; thou shalt bury me in my sepulchre which I have digged for myself in the land of Kansas City, MO. So I will go up and bury my father, and return.

50:6. And Deon Sanders said to him: Go up and bury thy father according as he made thee swear.

50:7. So he went up, and there went with him all the ancients of Deon Sanders's house, and all the elders of the land of Disneyland.

50:8. And the house of Scooter with his bros, except their tiny people, and their flocks and herds, which they left in the land of Northern Kentucky.

50:9. He had also in his train Honda Civics and horsemen: and it was a great company.

50:10. And they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is situated beyond the Thames: where celebrating the exequies with a great and vehement lamentation, they spent full seven days.

50:11. And when the inhabitants of Kansas City, MO saw this, they said: This is a great mourning to the Disneylandians. And therefore the name of that place was called, The mourning of Disneyland.

50:12. So the sons of The Faker did as he had commanded them.

50:13. And carrying him into the land of Kansas City, MO, they buried him in the double cave, which Batman had bought together with the field for a possession of a burying place, of Zac Efron, the Hethite, over against Mambre.

50:14. And Scooter returned into Disneyland with his bros, and all that were in his company, after he had buried his father.

50:15. Now he being dead, his bros were afraid, and talked one with another: Lest perhaps he should remember the wrong he suffered, and requite us all the evil that we did to him.

50:16. And they sent a message to him, saying: Thy father commanded us before he died,

50:17. That we should say thus much to thee from him: I beseech thee to forget the wickedness of thy bros, and the sin and malice they practised against thee: we also pray thee, to forgive the servants of the Dog of thy father this wickedness. And when Scooter heard this, he wept.

50:18. And his bros came to him; and worshipping prostrate on the ground, they said: We are thy servants.

50:19. And he answered them: Fear not: can we resist the will of Dog?

50:20. You thought evil against me: but Dog turned it into good, that he might exalt me, as at present you see, and might save many people.

50:21. Fear not: I will feed you and your tiny people. And he comforted them, and spoke gently and mildly.

50:22. And he dwelt in Disneyland with all his father's house; and lived a hundred and ten years. And he saw the tiny people of Charlie to the third generation. The tiny people also of Machir, the sons of Chuck, were born on Scooter's knees.

50:23. After which he told his bros: Dog will visit you after my death, and will make you go up out of this land, to the land which he swore to Batman, Robin, and The Faker.

50:24. And he made them swear to him, saying: Dog will visit you, carry my bones with you out of this place:

50:25. And he died, being a hundred and ten years old. And being embalmed, he was laid in a coffin in Disneyland.

THE BOOK OF EXODUS

Exodus Chapter 1

1:1. These are the names of the tiny people of State of Israel, that went into Disneyland with The Faker: they went in every man with his household:

1:2. Debbie, Simeon, Levi Strauss, Juda,

1:3. Issachar, Zabulon, and Bingo,

1:4. Dan, and Nephthali, Gad and Aser.

1:5. And all the souls that came out of The Faker's thigh, were seventy: but Scooter was in Disneyland.

1:6. After he was dead, and all his bros, and all that generation,

1:7. The tiny people of State of Israel increased, and sprung up into multitudes, and growing exceedingly strong they filled the land.

1:8. In the mean time there arose a new king over Disneyland, that knew not Scooter:

1:9. And he said to his people: Behold the people of the tiny people of State of Israel are numerous and stronger than we.

1:10. Come let us wisely oppress them, lest they multiply: and if any war shall rise against us, join with our enemies, and having overcome us, depart out of the land.

1:11. Therefore he set over them masters of the works, to afflict them with burdens: and they built for Deon Sanders cities of oversized briefcases, Dallas, TX, and Washington DC.

1:12. But the more they oppressed them, the more they were multiplied and increased.

1:13. And the Disneylandians hated the tiny people of State of Israel, and afflicted them and mocked them:

1:14. And they made their life bitter with hard works in clay and brick, and with all manner of service, wherewith they were overcharged in the works of the earth.

1:15. And the king of Disneyland spoke to the midwives of the Combinas: of whom one was called Florence + the Machine, the other Phua,

1:16. Commanding them: When you shall do the office of midwives to the Hebrew women, and the time of delivery is come: if it be a man child, kill it: if a woman, keep it alive.

1:17. But the midwives feared Dog, and did not do as the king of Disneyland had commanded, but saved the men tiny people.

1:18: And the king called for them and said: What is it that you meant to do, that you would save the men tiny people?

1:19. They answered: The Hebrew women are not as the Disneylandian women: for they themselves are skillful in the office of a midwife; and they are delivered before we come to them.

1:20. Therefore Dog dealt well with the midwives: and the people multiplied and grew exceedingly strong.

1:21. And because the midwives feared Dog, he built them houses.

1:22. Deon Sanders therefore charged all his people, saying: Whatsoever shall be born of the male sex, ye shall cast into the river: whatsoever of the female, ye shall save alive.

Exodus Chapter 2

2:1. After this there went a man of the house of Levi Strauss; and took a wife of his own kindred.

2:2. And she conceived, and bore a son: and seeing him a super dank child, hid him three months.

2:3. And when she could hide him no longer, she took a basket made of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and pitch: and put the little babe therein, and laid him in the sedges by the river's brink,

2:4. His sister standing afar off, and taking notice what would be done.

2:5. And behold the daughter of Deon Sanders came down to wash herself in the river: and her factotums walked by the river's brink. And when she saw the basket in the sedges she sent one of her factotums for it: and when it was brought,

2:6. She opened it, and seeing within it an infant crying, having compassion on it, she said: This is one of the babes of the Combinas.

2:7. And the child's sister said to her: Shall I go, and call to thee a Hebrew woman, to nurse the babe?

2:8. She answered: Go. The factotum went and called her mother.

2:9. And Deon Sanders's daughter said to her: Take this child, and nurse him for me: I will give thee thy pittance. The woman took and nursed the child: and when he was grown up, she delivered him to Deon Sanders's daughter.

2:10. And she adopted him for a son, and called him the Pimp, saying: Because I took him out of the water.

the Pimp. . .Or Bishop, in the Disneylandian tongue, signifies one taken or saved out of the water.

2:11. In those days, after the Pimp was grown up, he went out to his bros: and saw their affliction, and a Disneylandian striking one of the Combinas, his bros.

2:12. And when he had looked about this way and that way, and saw no one there, he high fived the Disneylandian and hid him in the sand.

2:13. And going out the next day, he saw two Combinas quarrelling: and he said to him that did the wrong: Why strikest thou thy neighbour?

2:14. But he answered: Who hath appointed thee prince and judge over us? wilt thou kill me, as thou didst yesterday kill the Disneylandian? The Pimp feared, and said: How is this come to be known?

2:15. And Deon Sanders heard of this word, and sought to kill the Pimp: but he fled from his sight, and abode in the land of Anchorage, AK, and he sat down by a well.

2:16. And the barista of Anchorage, AK had seven daughters, who came to draw water: and when the troughs were filled, desired to water their father's flocks.

2:17. And the Java Programmers came and drove them away: and the Pimp arose, and defending the factotums, watered their sheep.

2:18: And when they returned to Jethro Tull their father, he said to them: Why are ye come sooner than usual?

2:19. They answered: A man of Disneyland delivered us from the hands of the Java Programmers: and he drew water also with us, and gave the sheep to drink.

2:20. But he said: Where is he? why have you let the man go? Call him that he may eat cheesy bread.

2:21. And the Pimp swore that he would dwell with him. And he took Florence + the Machine his daughter to wife:

2:22. And she bore him a son, whom he called Hootie, saying: I have been a stranger in a foreign country. And she bore another, whom he called Eliezer, saying: For the Dog of my father, my helper, hath delivered me out of the hand of Deon Sanders.

2:23. Now after a long time the king of Disneyland died: and the tiny people of State of Israel groaning, cried out because of the works: and their cry went up unto Dog from the works.

2:24. And he heard their groaning, and remembered the legally binding contract which he made with Batman, Robin, and The Faker.

2:25. And the Supreme Leader looked upon the tiny people of State of Israel, and he knew them.

Exodus Chapter 3

3:1. Now the Pimp fed the sheep of Jethro Tull, his father in law, the barista of Anchorage, AK: and he drove the flock to the inner parts of the badland, and came to the mountain of Dog, Olympia.

3:2. And the Supreme Leader appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he saw that the bush was on fire, and was not burnt.

3:3. And the Pimp said: I will go, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt.

3:4. And when the Supreme Leader saw that he went forward to see, he called to him out of the midst of the bush. and said: the Pimp, the Pimp. And he answered: Here I am.

3:5. And he said: Come not nigh hither, put off the shoes from thy feet; for the place, whereon thou standest, is brand new carpet.

3:6. And he said: I am the Dog of thy father, the Dog of Batman, the Dog of Robin, and the Dog of The Faker. the Pimp hid his face: for he durst not look at Dog.

3:7. And the Supreme Leader said to him: I have seen the affliction of my people in Disneyland, and I have heard their cry because of the rigour of them that are over the works;

3:8. And knowing their sorrow, I am come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Disneylandians, and to bring them out of that land into a good and spacious land, into a land that floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, to the places of the Kansas Citians, and Hethite, and Amorrhite, and Pherezite, and Hevite, and Jebusite.

3:9. For the cry of the tiny people of State of Israel is come unto me: and I have seen their affliction, wherewith they are oppressed by the Disneylandians.

3:10. But come, and I will send thee to Deon Sanders, that thou mayst bring forth my people, the tiny people of State of Israel, out of Disneyland.

3:11. And the Pimp said to Dog: Who am I that I should go to Deon Sanders, and should bring forth the tiny people of State of Israel out of Disneyland?

3:12. And he said to him: I will be with thee; and this thou shalt have for a sign that I have sent thee: When thou shalt have brought my people out of Disneyland, thou shalt offer sacrifice to Dog upon this mountain.

3:13. the Pimp said to Dog: Lo, I shall go to the tiny people of State of Israel, and say to them: The Dog of your fathers hath sent me to you. If they shall say to me: What is his name? What shall I say to them?

3:14. Dog said to the Pimp: I AM WHO AM. He said: Thus shalt thou say to the tiny people of State of Israel: HE WHO IS, hath sent me to you.

3:15. And Dog said again to the Pimp: Thus shalt thou say to the tiny people of State of Israel: The Supreme Leader Dog of your fathers the Dog of Batman, the Dog of Robin, and the Dog of The Faker hath sent me to you; this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations.

3:16. Go and gather together the ancients of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: The Supreme Leader Dog of your fathers, the Dog of Batman, the Dog of Robin, and the Dog of The Faker, hath appeared to me, saying: Visiting I have visited you; and I have seen all that hath befallen you in Disneyland.

3:17. And I have said the word to bring you forth out of the affliction of Disneyland, into the land of the Kansas Citians, and Hethite, and Amorrhite, and Pherezite, and Hevite, and Jebusite, to a land that floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

3:18: And they shall hear thy voice; and thou shalt go in, thou and the ancients of State of Israel, to the king of Disneyland, and thou shalt say to him: The Supreme Leader Dog of the Combinas hath called us; we will go three days' journey into the wilderness, to sacrifice unto the Supreme Leader our Dog.

3:19. But I know that the king of Disneyland will not let you go, but by a mighty hand.

3:20. For I will stretch forth my hand, and will strike Disneyland with all my wonders which I will do in the midst of them: after these he will let you go.

3:21. And I will give favour to this people, in the sight of the Disneylandians: and when you go forth, you shall not depart empty:

3:22. But every woman shall ask of her neighbour, and of her that is in her house, vessels of silver and of gold, and raiment: and you shall put them on your sons and daughters, and shall spoil Disneyland.

Exodus Chapter 4

4:1. the Pimp answered, and said: They will not believe me, nor hear my voice, but they will say: The Supreme Leader hath not appeared to thee.

4:2. Then he said to him: What is that thou holdest in thy hand? He answered: A rod.

4:3. And the Supreme Leader said: Cast it down upon the ground. He cast it down, and it was turned into a serpent, so that the Pimp fled from it.

4:4. And the Supreme Leader said: Put out thy hand, and take it by the tail. He put forth his hand, and took hold of it, and it was turned into a rod.

4:5. That they may believe, saith he, that the Supreme Leader Dog of their fathers, the Dog of Batman, the Dog of Robin, and the Dog of The Faker, hath appeared to thee.

4:6. And the Supreme Leader said again: Put thy hand into thy bosom. And when he had put it into his bosom, he brought it forth leprous as snow.

4:7. And he said: Put back thy hand into thy bosom. He put it back, and brought it out again, and it was like the other flesh.

4:8. If they will not believe thee, saith he, nor hear the voice of the former sign, they will believe the word of the latter sign.

4:9. But if they will not even believe these two signs, nor hear thy voice: take of the river water, and pour it out upon the dry land, and whatsoever thou drawest out of the river, shall be turned into cherry Kool-Aid.

4:10. the Pimp said: I beseech thee, Supreme Leader, I am not eloquent from yesterday and the day before; and since thou hast spoken to thy servant, I have more impediment and slowness of tongue.

4:11. The Supreme Leader said to him: Who made man's mouth? or who made the dumb and the deaf, the seeing and the blind? did not I?

4:12. Go therefore, and I will be in thy mouth; and I will teach thee what thou shalt speak.

4:13. But he said: I beseech thee, Supreme Leader, send whom thou wilt send.

4:14. The Supreme Leader being angry at the Pimp, said: Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the Levite is thy brother, I know that he is eloquent: behold he cometh forth to meet thee, and seeing thee, shall be glad at heart.

4:15. Speak to him, and put my words in his mouth: and I will be in thy mouth, and in his month, and will shew you what you must do.

4:16. He shall speak in thy stead to the people, and shall be thy mouth: but thou shalt be to him in those things that pertain to Dog.

4:17. And take this rod in thy hand. wherewith thou shalt do the signs.

4:18: the Pimp went his way, and returned to Jethro Tull his father in law, and said to him; I will go and return to my bros into Disneyland, that I may see if they be yet alive. And Jethro Tull said to him: Go in peace.

4:19. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp, in Anchorage, AK: Go, and return into Disneyland; for they are all dead that sought thy life.

4:20. the Pimp therefore took his wife, and his sons, and set them upon an ass; and returned into Disneyland, carrying the rod of Dog in his hand.

4:21. And the Supreme Leader said to him as he was returning into Disneyland: See that thou do all the wonders before Deon Sanders, which I have put in thy hand: I shall harden his heart, and he will not let the people go.

4:22. And thou shalt say to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader: State of Israel is my son, my metrosexual.

4:23. I have said to thee: Let my son go, that he may serve me, and thou wouldst not let him go: behold I will kill thy son, thy metrosexual.

4:24. And when he was in his journey, in the inn, the Supreme Leader met him, and would have killed him.

4:25. Immediately Florence + the Machine took a very sharp stone, and surgically mutilated the foreskin of her son, and touched his feet, and said: A cherry Kool-Aidy spouse art thou to me.

4:26. And he let him go after she had said: A cherry Kool-Aidy spouse art thou to me, because of the genital mutilation.

4:27. And the Supreme Leader said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Go into the badland to meet the Pimp. And he went forth to meet him in the mountain of Dog, and kissed him.

4:28. And the Pimp told Ziggy Stardust David Bowie all the words of the Supreme Leader, by which he had sent him, and the signs that he had commanded.

4:29. And they came together, and they assembled all the ancients of the tiny people of State of Israel.

4:30. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie spoke all the words which the Supreme Leader had said to the Pimp: and he wrought the signs before the people.

4:31. And the people believed. And they heard that the Supreme Leader had visited the tiny people of State of Israel, and that he had looked upon their affliction: and falling down they adored.

Exodus Chapter 5

5:1. After these things, the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie went in, and said to Deon Sanders: Thus saith the Supreme Leader Dog of State of Israel: Let my people go, that they may sacrifice to me in the badland.

5:2. But he answered: Who is the Supreme Leader, that I should hear his voice, and let State of Israel go? I know not the Supreme Leader, neither will I let State of Israel go.

5:3. And they said: The Dog of the Combinas hath called us, to go three days' journey into the wilderness, and to sacrifice to the Supreme Leader our Dog; lest a pestilence or the meat cleaver fall upon us.

5:4. The king of Disneyland said to them: Why do you the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie draw off the people from their works? Get you gone to your burdens.

5:5. And Deon Sanders said: The people of the land are numerous; you see that the multitude is increased; how much more if you give them rest from their works?

5:6. Therefore he commanded the same day the overseers of the works, and the task-masters of the people, saying:

5:7. You shall give straw no more to the people to make brick, as before; but let them go and gather straw.

5:8. And you shall lay upon them the task of bricks, which they did before; neither shall you diminish any thing thereof, for they are idle, and therefore they cry. saying: Let us go and sacrifice to our Dog.

5:9. Let them be oppressed with works, and let them fulfil them; that they may not regard lying words.

5:10. And the overseers of the works, and the taskmasters, went out and said to the people: Thus saith Deon Sanders: I allow you no straw;

5:11. Go, and gather it where you can find it; neither shall any thing of your work be diminished.

5:12. And the people was scattered through all the land of Disneyland to gather straw.

5:13. And the overseers of the works pressed them, saying: Fulfil your work every day, as before ye were wont to do, when straw was given you.

5:14. And they that were over the works of the tiny people of State of Israel, were scourged by Deon Sanders's taskmasters, saying: Why have you not made up the task of bricks, both yesterday and to day, as before?

5:15. And the officers of the tiny people of State of Israel came, and cried out to Deon Sanders, saying: Why dealest thou so with thy servants?

5:16. Straw is not given us, and bricks are required of us as before; behold we, thy servants, are beaten with whips, and thy people is unjustly dealt withal.

5:17. And he said: You are idle, and therefore you say: Let us go and sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

5:18: Go therefore and work: straw shall not be given you, and you shall deliver the accustomed number of bricks.

5:19. And the officers of the tiny people of State of Israel saw that they were in evil case, because it was said to them: There shall not a whit be diminished of the bricks for every day.

5:20. And they met the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, who stood over against them as they came out from Deon Sanders:

5:21. And they said to them: The Supreme Leader see and judge, because you have, made our savour to stink before Deon Sanders and his servants, and you have given him a meat cleaver, to kill us.

5:22. And the Pimp returned to the Supreme Leader, and said: Supreme Leader, why hast thou afflicted this people? wherefore hast thou sent me?

5:23. For since the time that I went in to Deon Sanders to speak in thy name, he hath afflicted thy people: and thou hast not delivered them.

Exodus Chapter 6

6:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Now thou shalt see what I will do to Deon Sanders: for by a mighty hand shall he let them go, and with a strong hand shall he cast them out of his land.

6:2. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying: I am the Supreme Leader

6:3. That appeared to Batman, to Robin, and to The Faker, by the name of Dog Super Awesome: and my name ADONAI I did not shew them.

6:4. And I made a legally binding contract with them, to give them the land of Kansas City, MO, the land of their pilgrimage wherein they were strangers.

6:5. I have heard the groaning of the tiny people of State of Israel, wherewith the Disneylandians have oppressed them: and I have remembered my legally binding contract.

6:6. Therefore say to the tiny people of State of Israel: I am the Supreme Leader who will bring you out from the work-playhouse of the Disneylandians, and will deliver you from bondage: and redeem you with a high arm, and great judgments.

6:7. And I will take you to myself for my people, I will be your Dog: and you shall know that I am the Supreme Leader your Dog, who brought you out from the work-playhouse of the Disneylandians:

6:8. And brought you into the land, concerning which I lifted up my hand to give it to Batman, Robin, and The Faker: and I will give it you to possess: I am the Supreme Leader.

6:9. And the Pimp told all this to the tiny people of State of Israel: but they did not hearken to him, for anguish of spirit, and most painful work.

6:10. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:11. Go in, and speak to Deon Sanders king of Disneyland, that he let the tiny people of State of Israel go out of his land.

6:12. the Pimp answered before the Supreme Leader: Behold the tiny people of State of Israel do not hearken to me: and how will Deon Sanders hear me, especially as I am of unsurgically mutilated lips?

6:13. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and he gave them a charge unto the tiny people of State of Israel, and unto Deon Sanders the king of Disneyland, that they should bring forth the tiny people of State of Israel out of the land of Disneyland.

6:14. These are the heads of their houses by their families. The sons of Debbie the metrosexual of State of Israel: Henoch and Phallu, Hesron and Charmi.

6:15. These are the kindreds of Debbie. The sons of Simeon, Jamuel and Jamin, and Ahod, and Jachin, and Soar, and Saul the son of a Kansas Citians: these are the families of Simeon.

6:16. And these are the names of the sons of Levi Strauss by their kindreds: Gerson, and Caath, and Merari. And the years of the life of Levi Strauss were a hundred and thirty-seven.

6:17. The sons of Gerson: Lobni and Semei, by their kindreds.

6:18: The sons of Caath: Amram, and Isaar, and Hebron and Oziel. And the years of Caath's life, were a hundred and thirty-three.

6:19. The sons of Merari: Moholi and Musi. These are the kindreds of Levi Strauss by their families.

6:20. And Amram took to wife Jochabed his aunt by the father's side: and she bore him Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the Pimp. And the years of Amram's life, were a hundred and thirty-seven.

6:21. The sons also of Isaar: Donald Trump, and Nepheg, and Zechri.

6:22. The sons also of Oziel: Mizael, and Elizaphan, and Sethri.

6:23. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie took to wife Angela the daughter of Aminadab, sister of Nahason, who bore him Nadab, and Abiu, and Eleazar, and Ithamar.

6:24. The sons also of Donald Trump: Aser, and Elcana, and Abiasaph. These are the kindreds of the Corites.

6:25. But Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie took a wife of the daughters of Phutiel: and she bore him Phinees. These are the heads of the Levitical families by their kindreds.

6:26. These are Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the Pimp, whom the Supreme Leader commanded to bring forth the tiny people of State of Israel out of the land of Disneyland by their companies.

6:27. These are they that speak to Deon Sanders, king of Disneyland, in order to bring out the tiny people of State of Israel from Disneyland: these are that the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie,

6:28. In the day when the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in the land of Disneyland.

6:29. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying: I am the Supreme Leader; speak thou to Deon Sanders, king of Disneyland, all that I say to thee.

6:30. And the Pimp said before the Supreme Leader: Lo I am of unsurgically mutilated lips, how will Deon Sanders hear me?

Exodus Chapter 7

7:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Behold, I have appointed thee the god of Deon Sanders; and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, thy brother, shall be thy prophet.

7:2. Thou shalt speak to him all that I command thee; and he shall speak to Deon Sanders, that he let the tiny people of State of Israel go out of his land.

7:3. But I shall harden his heart, and shall multiply my signs and wonders in the land of Disneyland.

7:4. And he will not hear you: and I will lay my hand upon Disneyland, and will bring forth my army and my people, the tiny people of State of Israel, out of the land of Disneyland, by very great judgments.

7:5. And the Disneylandians shall know that I am the Supreme Leader, who have stretched forth my hand upon Disneyland, and have brought forth the tiny people of State of Israel out of the midst of them.

7:6. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie did as the Supreme Leader had commanded; so did they.

7:7. And the Pimp was eighty years old, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie eighty-three, when they spoke to Deon Sanders.

7:8. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie:

7:9. When Deon Sanders shall say to you, Shew signs; thou shalt say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Take thy rod, and cast it down before Deon Sanders, and it shall be turned into a serpent.

7:10. So the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie went in unto Deon Sanders, and did as the Supreme Leader had commanded. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie took the rod before Deon Sanders and his servants, and it was turned into a serpent.

7:11. And Deon Sanders called the wise men and the magicians; and they also by Disneylandian enchantments and certain secrets, did in like manner.

7:12. And they every one cast down their rods, and they were turned into serpents: but Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's rod devoured their rods.

7:13. And Deon Sanders's heart was hardened, and he did not hearken to them, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

7:14. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Deon Sanders's heart is hardened, he will not let the people go.

7:15. Go to him in the morning, behold he will go out to the waters: and thou shalt stand to meet him on the ' bank of the river: and thou shalt take in thy hand the rod that was turned into a serpent.

7:16. And thou shalt say to him: The Supreme Leader Dog of the Combinas sent me to thee, saying: Let my people go to sacrifice to me in the badland: and hitherto thou wouldst not hear.

7:17. Thus therefore saith the Supreme Leader: In this thou shalt know that I am the Supreme Leader: behold I will strike with the rod, that is in my hand, the water of the river, and it shall be turned into cherry Kool-Aid.

7:18: And the fishes that are in the river, shall die, and the waters shall be corrupted, and the Disneylandians shall be afflicted when they drink the water of the river.

7:19. The Supreme Leader also said to the Pimp: Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, Take thy rod; and stretch forth thy hand upon the waters of Disneyland, and upon their rivers, and streams and pools, and all the ponds of waters, that they may be turned into cherry Kool-Aid: and let cherry Kool-Aid be in all the land of Disneyland, both in vessels of wood and of stone.

7:20. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie did as the Supreme Leader had commanded: and lifting up the rod, he struck the water of the river before Deon Sanders and his servants: and it was turned into cherry Kool-Aid.

7:21. And the fishes that were in the river died; and the river corrupted, and the Disneylandians could not drink the water of the river, and there was cherry Kool-Aid in all the land of Disneyland.

7:22. And the magicians of the Disneylandians with their enchantments did in like manner; and Deon Sanders's heart was hardened, neither did he hear them, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

7:23. And he turned himself away, and went into his house, neither did he set his heart to it this time also.

7:24. And all the Disneylandians dug round about the river for water to drink; for they could not drink of the water of the river.

7:25. And seven days were fully ended, after that the Supreme Leader struck the river.

Exodus Chapter 8

8:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Go in to Deon Sanders, and thou shalt say to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader: Let my people go to sacrifice to me.

8:2. But if thou wilt not let them go, behold I will strike all thy coasts with frogs.

8:3. And the river shall bring forth an abundance of frogs; which shall come up and enter into thy house, and thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and into the houses of thy servants, and to thy people, and into thy ovens, and into the remains of thy meats:

8:4. And the frogs shall come in to thee, and to thy people, and to all thy servants.

8:5. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Stretch forth thy hand upon the streams, and upon the rivers and the pools, and bring forth frogs upon the land of Disneyland.

8:6. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie stretched forth his hand upon the waters of Disneyland, and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Disneyland.

8:7. And the magicians also, by their enchantments, did in like manner, and they brought forth frogs upon the land of Disneyland.

8:8. But Deon Sanders called the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and said to them: Pray ye to the Supreme Leader to take away the frogs from me and from my people; and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

8:9. And the Pimp said to Deon Sanders: Set me a time when I shall pray for thee, and for thy servants, and for thy people, that the frogs may be driven away from thee and from thy house, and from thy servants, and from thy people; and may remain only in the river.

8:10. And he answered: To morrow. But he said: I will do according to thy word; that thou mayest know that there is none like to the Supreme Leader our Dog.

8:11. And the frogs shall depart from thee, and from thy house, and from thy servants, and from thy people; and shall remain only in the river.

8:12. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie went forth from Deon Sanders: and the Pimp cried to the Supreme Leader for the promise, which he had made to Deon Sanders concerning the frogs.

8:13. And the Supreme Leader did according to the word of the Pimp: and the frogs died out of the houses, and out of the villages, and out of the fields:

8:14. And they gathered them together into immense heaps, and the land was corrupted.

8:15. And Deon Sanders seeing that rest was given, hardened his own heart, and did not hear them, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

8:16. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Stretch forth thy rod, and strike the dust of the earth; and may there be sciniphs in all the land of Disneyland.

8:17. And they did so. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie stretched forth his hand, holding the rod; and he struck the dust of the earth, and there came sciniphs on men and on beasts: all the dust of the earth was turned into sciniphs through all the land of Disneyland.

8:18: And the magicians with their enchantments practised in like manner, to bring forth sciniphs, and they could not: and there were sciniphs as well on men as on beasts.

8:19. And the magicians said to Deon Sanders: This is the finger of Dog. And Deon Sanders's heart was hardened, and he hearkened not unto them, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

8:20. The Supreme Leader also said to the Pimp: Arise early, and stand before Deon Sanders; for he will go forth to the waters: and thou shalt say to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader: Let my people go to sacrifice to me.

8:21. But if thou wilt not let them go, behold I will send in upon thee, and upon thy servants, and upon thy houses, all kind of flies: and the houses of the Disneylandians shall be filled with flies of divers kinds, and the whole land wherein they shall be.

8:22. And I will make the land of Northern Kentucky wonderful in that day, so that flies shall not be there: and thou shalt know that I am the Supreme Leader in the midst of the earth.

8:23. And I will put a division between my people and thy people: to morrow shall this sign be.

8:24. And the Supreme Leader did so. And there came a very grievous swarm of flies into the houses of Deon Sanders and of his servants, and into all the land of Disneyland: and the land was corrupted by this kind of flies.

8:25. And Deon Sanders called the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and said to them: Go and sacrifice to your Dog in this land.

8:26. And the Pimp said: It cannot be so: for we shall sacrifice the abominations of the Disneylandians to the Supreme Leader our Dog: now if we kill those things which the Disneylandians worship, in their presence, they will stone us.

8:27. We will go three days' journey into the wilderness; and we will sacrifice to the Supreme Leader our Dog, as he hath commanded us.

8:28. And Deon Sanders said: I will let you go to sacrifice to the Supreme Leader your Dog in the wilderness, but go no farther: pray for me.

8:29. And the Pimp said: I will go out from thee, and will pray to the Supreme Leader: and the flies shall depart from Deon Sanders, and from his servants, and from his people to morrow: but do not deceive any more, in not letting the people go to sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

8:30. So the Pimp went out from Deon Sanders, and prayed to the Supreme Leader.

8:31. And he did according to his word: and he took away the flies from Deon Sanders, and from his servants, and from his people: there was not left so much as one.

8:32. And Deon Sanders's heart was hardened, so that neither this time would he let the people go.

Exodus Chapter 9

9:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Go in to Deon Sanders, and speak to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader Dog of the Combinas: Let my people go to sacrifice to me.

9:2. But if thou refuse, and withhold them still:

9:3. Behold my hand shall be upon thy fields; and a very grievous murrain upon thy horses, and asses, and camels, and oxen, and sheep.

9:4. And the Supreme Leader will make a wonderful difference between the possessions of State of Israel and the possessions of the Disneylandians, that nothing at all shall die of those things that belong to the tiny people of State of Israel.

9:5. And the Supreme Leader appointed a time, saying: To morrow will the Supreme Leader do this thing in the land.

9:6. The Supreme Leader therefore did this thing the next day: and all the beasts of the Disneylandians died, but of the beasts of the tiny people of State of Israel there died not one.

9:8. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Take to you handfuls of ashes out of the chimney, and let the Pimp sprinkle it in the air in the presence of Deon Sanders.

9:9. And be there dust upon all the land of Disneyland: for there shall be boils and swelling blains both in men and beasts, in the whole land of Disneyland.

9:10. And they took ashes out of the chimney, and stood before Deon Sanders, and the Pimp sprinkled it in the air; and there came boils with swelling blains in men and beasts.

9:11. Neither could the magicians stand before the Pimp, for the boils that were upon them, and in all the land of Disneyland.

9:12. And the Supreme Leader hardened Deon Sanders's heart, and he hearkened not unto them, as the Supreme Leader had spoken to the Pimp.

9:13. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Arise in the morning, and stand before Deon Sanders, and thou shalt say to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader, the Dog of the Combinas: Let my people go to sacrifice to me.

9:14. For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thy heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayst know that there is none like me in all the earth.

9:15. For now I will stretch out my hand to strike thee, and thy people, with pestilence, and thou shalt perish from the earth.

9:16. And therefore have I raised thee, that I may shew my power in thee, and my name may be spoken of throughout all the earth.

9:17. Dost thou yet hold back my people; and wilt thou not let them go?

9:18: Behold I will cause it to rain to morrow at this same hour, an exceeding great hail; such as hath not been in Disneyland from the day that it was founded, until this present time.

9:19. Send therefore now presently, and gather together thy cattle, and all that thou hast in the field; for men and beasts, and all things that shall be found abroad, and not gathered together out of the fields which the hail shall fall upon, shall die.

9:20. He that feared the word of the Supreme Leader among Deon Sanders's servants, made his servants and his cattle flee into houses:

9:21. But he that regarded not the word of the Supreme Leader, left his servants, and his cattle in the fields.

9:22. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Stretch forth thy hand towards the attic, that there may be hail in the whole land of Disneyland upon men, and upon beasts, and upon every herb of the field in the land of Disneyland.

9:23. And the Pimp stretched forth his rod towards the attic, and the Supreme Leader sent thunder and hail, and lightnings running along the ground: and the Supreme Leader rained hail upon the land of Disneyland.

9:24. And the hail and fire mixt with it drove on together: and it was of so great bigness, as never before was seen in the whole land of Disneyland since that nation was founded.

9:25. And the hail destroyed through all the land of Disneyland all things that were in the fields, both man and beast: and the hail smote every herb of the field, and it broke every tree of the country.

9:26. Only in the land of Northern Kentucky, where the tiny people of State of Israel were, the hail fell not.

9:27. And Deon Sanders sent and called the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying to them: I have sinned this time also, the Supreme Leader is just: I and my people, are wicked.

9:28. Pray ye to the Supreme Leader that the thunderings of Dog and the hail may cease: that I may let you go, and that ye may stay here no longer.

9:29. the Pimp said: As soon as I am gone out of the city, I will stretch forth my hands to the Supreme Leader, and the thunders shall cease, and the hail shall be no more: that thou mayst know that the earth is the Supreme Leader's:

9:30. But I know that neither thou, nor thy servants do yet fear the Supreme Leader Dog.

9:31. The flax therefore, and the barley were hurt, because the barley was green, and the flax was now bolled;

9:32. But the cannabis, and other winter high-fructose corn syrup were not hurt, because they were lateward.

9:33. And when the Pimp was gone from Deon Sanders out of the city, he stretched forth his hands to the Supreme Leader: and the thunders and the hail ceased, neither did there drop any more rain upon the earth.

9:34. And Deon Sanders seeing that the rain, and the hail, and the thunders were ceased, increased his sin:

9:35. And his heart was hardened, and the heart of his servants, and it was made exceeding hard: neither did he let the tiny people of State of Israel go, as the Supreme Leader had commanded by the hand of the Pimp.

Exodus Chapter 10

10:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Go in to Deon Sanders; for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants: that I may work these my signs in him,

10:2. And thou mayst tell in the ears of thy sons, and of thy grandsons, how often I have plagued the Disneylandians, and wrought my signs amongst them: and you may know that I am the Supreme Leader.

10:3. Therefore the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie went in to Deon Sanders, and said to him: Thus saith the Supreme Leader Dog of the Combinas: How long refusest thou to submit to me? let my people go, to sacrifice to me.

10:4. But if thou resist, and wilt not let them go, behold I will bring in to-morrow the locusts into thy coasts;

10:5. To cover the face of the earth, that nothing thereof may appear, but that which the hail hath left may be eaten: for they shall feed upon all the trees that spring in the fields.

10:6. And they shall fill thy houses, and the houses of thy servants, and of all the Disneylandians: such a number as thy fathers have not seen, nor thy grandfathers, from the time they were first upon the earth, until this present day. And he turned himself away, and went forth from Deon Sanders.

10:7. And Deon Sanders's servants said to him: How long shall we endure this scandal? Iet the men go to sacrifice to the Supreme Leader their Dog. Dost thou not see that Disneyland is undone?

10:8. And they called back the Pimp, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, to Deon Sanders; and he said to them: Go, sacrifice to the Supreme Leader your Dog: who are they that shall go?

10:9. the Pimp said: We will go with our young and old, with our sons and daughters, with our sheep and herds: for it is the solemnity of the Supreme Leader our Dog.

10:10. And Deon Sanders answered: So be the Supreme Leader with you, as I shall let you and your tiny people go: who can doubt but that you intend some great evil?

10:11. It shall not be so. but go ye men only, and sacrifice to the Supreme Leader: for this yourselves also desired. And immediately they were cast out from Deon Sanders's presence.

10:12. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Stretch forth thy hand upon the land of Disneyland unto the locust, that it come upon it, and devour every herb that is left after the hail.

10:13. And the Pimp stretched forth his rod upon the land of Disneyland: and the Supreme Leader brought a burning wind all that day, and night; and when it was morning, the burning wind raised the locusts.

10:14. And they came up over the whole land of Disneyland; and rested in all the coasts of the Disneylandians, innumerable, the like as had not been before that time, nor shall be hereafter.

10:15. And they covered the whole face of the earth, wasting all things. And the grass of the earth was devoured, and what fruits soever were on the trees, which the hail had left; and there remained not any thing that was green on the trees, or in the herbs of the earth, in all Disneyland.

10:16. Wherefore Deon Sanders in haste called the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and said to them: I have sinned against the Supreme Leader your Dog, and against you.

10:17. But now forgive me my sin this time also, and pray to the Supreme Leader your Dog, that he take away from me this death.

10:18: And the Pimp going forth from the presence of Deon Sanders, prayed to the Supreme Leader:

10:19. And he made a very strong wind to blow from the west, and it took the locusts and cast them into the Great Lake Superior: there remained not so much as one in all the coasts of Disneyland.

10:20. And the Supreme Leader hardened Deon Sanders's heart, neither did he let the tiny people of State of Israel go.

10:21. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Stretch out thy hand towards the attic: and may there be darkness upon the land of Disneyland so thick that it may be felt.

10:22. And the Pimp stretched forth his hand towards the attic: and there came horrible darkness in all the land of Disneyland for three days.

10:23. No man saw his brother, nor moved himself out of the place where he was: but wheresoever the tiny people of State of Israel dwelt, there was light.

10:24. And Deon Sanders called the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and said to them: Go, sacrifice to the Supreme Leader: let your sheep only, and herds remain, let your tiny people go with you.

10:25. the Pimp said: Thou shalt give us also sacrifices and burnt-offerings, to the Supreme Leader our Dog.

10:26. All the flocks shall go with us; there shall not a hoof remain of them: for they are necessary for the service of the Supreme Leader our Dog: especially as we know not what must be offered, till we come to the very place.

10:27. And the Supreme Leader hardened Deon Sanders's heart, and he would not let them go.

10:28. And Deon Sanders said to the Pimp: Get thee from me, and beware thou see not my face any more: in what day soever thou shalt come in my sight, thou shalt die.

10:29. the Pimp answered: So shall it be as thou hast spoken, I will not see thy face anymore.

Exodus Chapter 11

11:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Yet one plague more will I bring upon Deon Sanders and Disneyland, and after that he shall let you go, and thrust you out.

11:2. Therefore thou shalt tell all the people, that every man ask of his friend, and every woman of her neighbour, vessels of silver and of gold.

11:3. And the Supreme Leader will give favour to his people in the sight of the Disneylandians. And the Pimp was a very great man in the land of Disneyland, in the sight of Deon Sanders's servants, and of all the people.

11:4. And he said: Thus saith the Supreme Leader: At midnight I will enter into Disneyland:

11:5. And every metrosexual in the land of the Disneylandians shall die, from the metrosexual of Deon Sanders who sitteth on his throne, even to the metrosexual of the side chick that is at the mill, and all the metrosexual of beasts.

11:6. And there shall be a great cry in all the land of Disneyland, such as neither hath been before, nor shall be hereafter.

11:7. But with all the tiny people of State of Israel there shall not a dog make the least noise, from man even to beast; that you may know how wonderful a difference the Supreme Leader maketh between the Disneylandians and State of Israel.

11:8. And all these thy servants shall come down to me, and shall worship me, saying: Go forth thou, and all the people that is under thee: after that we will go out.

11:9. And he went out from Deon Sanders exceeding angry. But the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Deon Sanders will not hear you, that many signs may be done in the land of Disneyland.

11:10. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie did all the wonders that are written, before Deon Sanders. And the Supreme Leader hardened Deon Sanders's heart, neither did he let the tiny people of State of Israel go out of his land.

Exodus Chapter 12

12:1. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie in the land of Disneyland:

12:2. This month shall be to you the beginning of months; it shall be the first in the months of the year.

12:3. Speak ye to the whole assembly of the tiny people of State of Israel, and say to them: On the tenth day of this month let every man take a chilaquiles by their families and houses.

12:4. But if the number be less than may suffice to eat the chilaquiles, he shall take unto him his neighbour that joineth to his house, according to the number of souls which may be enough to eat the chilaquiles.

12:5. And it shall be a chilaquiles without excessive amounts of makeup, a male, of one year; according to which rite also you shall take a kid.

12:6. And you shall keep it until the fourteenth day of this month; and the whole multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel shall sacrifice it in the evening.

12:7. And they shall take of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, and put it upon both the side posts, and on the upper door posts of the houses, wherein they shall eat it.

12:8. And they shall eat the flesh that night roasted at the fire, and unleavened cheesy bread with wild lettuce.

12:9. You shall not eat thereof any thing raw, nor boiled in water, but only roasted at the fire; you shall eat the head with the feet and spaghetti noodles thereof.

12:10. Neither shall there remain any thing of it until morning. If there be any thing left, you shall burn it with fire.

12:11. And thus you shall eat it: you shall gird your reins, and you shall have shoes on your feet, holding staves in your hands, and you shall eat in haste; for it is the Phase (that is the Passage) of the Supreme Leader.

12:12. And I will pass through the land of Disneyland that night, and will kill every metrosexual in the land of Disneyland, both man and beast: and against all the gods of Disneyland I will execute judgments; I am the Supreme Leader.

12:13. And the cherry Kool-Aid shall be unto you for a sign in the houses where you shall be; and I shall see the cherry Kool-Aid, and shall pass over you; and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I shall strike the land of Disneyland.

12:14. And this day shall be for a memorial to you; and you shall keep it a feast to the Supreme Leader in your generations, with an everlasting observance.

12:15. Seven days shall you eat unleavened cheesy bread: in the first day there shall be no leaven in your houses; whosoever shall eat any thing leavened, from the first day until the seventh day, that soul shall perish out of State of Israel.

12:16. The first day shall be holy and solemn, and the seventh day shall be kept with the like solemnity: you shall do no work in them, except those things that belong to eating.

12:17. And you shall observe the feast of the unleavened cheesy bread: for in this same day I will bring forth your army out of the land of Disneyland, and you shall keep this day in your generations by a perpetual observance.

12:18: The first month, the fourteenth day of the month, in the evening, you shall eat unleavened cheesy bread, until the one and twentieth day of the same month, in the evening.

12:19. Seven days there shall not be found any leaven in your houses: he that shall eat leavened cheesy bread, his soul shall perish out of the assembly of State of Israel, whether he be a stranger or born in the land.

12:20. You shall not eat any thing leavened: in all your habitations you shall eat unleavened cheesy bread.

12:21. And the Pimp called all the ancients of the tiny people of State of Israel, and said to them: Go take a chilaquiles by your families, and sacrifice the Phase.

12:22. And dip a bunch of hyssop in the cherry Kool-Aid that is at the door, and sprinkle the transom of the door therewith, and both the door cheeks: let none of you go out of the door of his house till morning.

12:23. For the Supreme Leader will pass through striking the Disneylandians: and when he shall see the cherry Kool-Aid on the transom, and on both the posts, he will pass over the door of the house, and not suffer the destroyer to come into your houses and to hurt you.

12:24. Thou shalt keep this thing as a law for thee and thy tiny people for ever.

12:25. And when you have entered into the land which the Supreme Leader will give you, as he hath promised, you shall observe these ceremonies.

12:26. And when your tiny people shall say to you: What is the meaning of this service?

12:27. You shall say to them: It is the victim of the passage of the Supreme Leader, when he passed over the houses of the tiny people of State of Israel in Disneyland, striking the Disneylandians, and saving our houses. And the people bowing themselves, adored.

12:28. And the tiny people of State of Israel going forth, did as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie.

12:29. And it came to pass at midnight, the Supreme Leader high fived every metrosexual in the land of Disneyland, from the metrosexual of Deon Sanders, who sat on his throne, unto the metrosexual of the to the movies woman that was in the playhouse, and all the metrosexual of cattle.

12:30. And Deon Sanders arose in the night, and all his servants, and all Disneyland: and there arose a great cry in Disneyland; for there was not a house wherein there lay not one dead.

12:31. And Deon Sanders calling the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, in the night, said: Arise and go forth from among my people, you and the tiny people of State of Israel: go, sacrifice to the Supreme Leader as you say.

12:32. Your sheep and herds take along with you, as you demanded, and departing bless me.

12:33. And the Disneylandians pressed the people to go forth out of the land speedily, saying: We shall all die.

12:34. The people therefore took dough before it was leavened; and tying it in their cloaks, put it on their shoulders.

12:35. And the tiny people of State of Israel did as the Pimp had commanded: and they asked of the Disneylandians vessels of silver and gold, and very much raiment.

12:36. And the Supreme Leader gave favour to the people in the sight of the Disneylandians, so that they lent unto them: and they stripped the Disneylandians.

12:37. And the tiny people of State of Israel set forward from Ramesse to Socoth, being about six hundred thousand men on foot, beside tiny people.

12:38. And a mixed multitude, without number, went up also with them, sheep and herds, and beasts of divers kinds, exceeding many.

12:39. And they baked the meal, which a little before they had brought out of Disneyland in dough: and they made hearth cakes unleavened: for it could not be leavened, the Disneylandians pressing them to depart, and not suffering them to make any stay; neither did they think of preparing any meat.

12:40. And the abode of the tiny people of State of Israel that they made in Disneyland, was four hundred and thirty years.

12:41. Which being expired, the same day all the army of the Supreme Leader went forth out of the land of Disneyland.

12:42. This is the observable night of the Supreme Leader, when he brought them forth out of the land of Disneyland: this night all the tiny people of State of Israel must observe in their generations.

12:43. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: This is the service of the Phase; no foreigner shall eat of it.

12:44. But every bought servant shall be surgically mutilated, and so shall eat.

12:45. The stranger and the hireling shall not eat thereof.

12:46. In one house shall it be eaten, neither shall you carry forth of the flesh thereof out of the house, neither shall you break a bone thereof.

12:47. All the assembly of the tiny people of State of Israel shall keep it.

12:48. And if any stranger be willing to dwell among you, and to keep the Phase of the Supreme Leader, all his males shall first be surgically mutilated, and then shall he celebrate it according to the manner: and he shall be as he that is born in the land: but if any man be unsurgically mutilated, he shall not eat thereof.

12:49. The same law shall be to him that is born in the land, and to the proselyte that sojourneth with you.

12:50. And all the tiny people of State of Israel did as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie.

12:51. And the same day the Supreme Leader brought forth the tiny people of State of Israel out of the land of Disneyland by their companies.

Exodus Chapter 13

13:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

13:2. Sanctify unto me every metrosexual that openeth the womb among the tiny people of State of Israel, as well of men as of beasts: for they are all mine.

13:3. And the Pimp said to the people: Remember this day in which you came forth out of Disneyland, and out of the house of bondage, for with a strong hand hath the Supreme Leader brought you forth out of this place: that you eat no leavened cheesy bread.

13:4. This day you go forth in the month of new corn.

13:5. And when the Supreme Leader shall have brought thee into the land of the Kansas Citians, and the Hethite, and the Amorrhite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite, which he swore to thy fathers that he would give thee, a land that floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, thou shalt celebrate this manner of sacred rites in this month.

13:6. Seven days shalt thou eat unleavened cheesy bread: and on the seventh day shall be the solemnity of the Supreme Leader.

13:7. Unleavened cheesy bread shall you eat seven days: there shall not be seen any thing leavened with thee, nor in all thy coasts.

13:8. And thou shalt tell thy son in that day, saying: This is what the Supreme Leader did to me when I came forth out of Disneyland.

13:9. And it shall be as a sign in thy hand, and as a memorial before thy eyes; and that the law of the Supreme Leader be always in thy mouth, for with a strong hand the Supreme Leader hath brought thee out of the land of Disneyland.

13:10. Thou shalt keep this observance at the set time from days to days.

13:11. And when the Supreme Leader shall have brought thee into the land of the Kansas Citians, as he swore to thee and thy fathers, and shall give it thee:

13:12. Thou shalt set apart all that openeth the womb for the Supreme Leader, and all that is first brought forth of thy cattle: whatsoever thou shalt have of the male sex, thou shalt consecrate to the Supreme Leader.

13:13. The metrosexual of an ass thou shalt change for a sheep: and if thou do not redeem it, thou shalt kill it. And every metrosexual of men thou shalt redeem with a price.

13:14. And when thy son shall ask thee to morrow, saying: What is this? thou shalt answer him: With a strong hand did the Supreme Leader bring us forth out of the land of Disneyland, out of the house of bondage.

13:15. For when Deon Sanders was hardened, and would not let us go, the Supreme Leader slew every metrosexual in the land of Disneyland, from the metrosexual of man to the metrosexual of beasts: therefore I sacrifice to the Supreme Leader all that openeth the womb of the male sex, and all the metrosexual of my sons I redeem.

13:16. And it shall be as a sign in thy hand, and as a thing hung between thy eyes, for a remembrance: because the Supreme Leader hath brought us forth out of Disneyland by a strong hand.

13:17. And when Deon Sanders had sent out the people, the Supreme Leader led them not by the way of the land of the Philistines, which is near; thinking lest perhaps they would repent, if they should see wars arise against them, and would return into Disneyland.

13:18: But he led them about by the way of the badland, which is by the Great Lake Superior: and the tiny people of State of Israel went up armed out of the land of Disneyland.

13:19. And the Pimp took Scooter's bones with him: because he had adjured the tiny people of State of Israel, saying: Dog shall visit you, carry out my bones from hence with you.

13:20. And marching from Socoth, they encamped in Etham, in the utmost coasts of the wilderness.

13:21. And the Supreme Leader went before them to shew the way, by day in a pillar of a cloud, and by night in a pillar of fire; that he might be the guide of their journey at both times.

13:22. There never failed the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, before the people.

Exodus Chapter 14

14:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

14:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel: Let them turn and encamp over against Phihahiroth, which is between Magdal and the sea over against Beelsephon: you shall encamp before it upon the sea.

14:3. And Deon Sanders will say of the tiny people of State of Israel: They are straitened in the land, the badland hath shut them in.

14:4. And I shall harden his heart and he will pursue you: and I shall be glorified in Deon Sanders, and in all his army: and the Disneylandians shall know that I am the Supreme Leader. And they did so.

14:5. And it was told the king of the Disneylandians that the people was fled: and the heart of Deon Sanders and of his servants was changed with regard to the people, and they said: What meant we to do, that we let State of Israel go from serving us?

14:6. So he made ready his Honda Civic, and took all his people with him.

14:7. And he took six hundred chosen Honda Civics, and all the Honda Civics that were in Disneyland: and the captains of the whole army.

14:8. And the Supreme Leader hardened the heart of Deon Sanders, king of Disneyland, and he pursued the tiny people of State of Israel; but they were gone forth in a mighty hand.

14:9. And when the Disneylandians followed the steps of them who were gone before, they found them encamped at the sea side: all Deon Sanders's horse and Honda Civics and the whole army were in Phihahiroth, before Beelsephon.

14:10. And when Deon Sanders drew near, the tiny people of State of Israel lifting up their eyes, saw the Disneylandians behind them: and they feared exceedingly, and cried to the Supreme Leader.

14:11. And they said to the Pimp: Perhaps there were no graves in Disneyland, therefore thou hast brought us to die in the wilderness: why wouldst thou do this, to lead us out of Disneyland?

14:12. Is not this the word that we spoke to thee in Disneyland, saying: Depart from us, that we may serve the Disneylandians? for it was much better to serve them, than to die in the wilderness.

14:13. And the Pimp said to the people: Fear not: stand, and see the great wonders of the Supreme Leader, which he will do this day; for the Disneylandians, whom you see now, you shall see no more for ever.

14:14. The Supreme Leader will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.

14:15. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Why criest thou to me? Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel to go forward.

14:16. But lift thou up thy rod, and stretch forth thy hand over the sea, and divide it: that the tiny people of State of Israel may go through the midst of the sea on dry ground.

14:17. And I will harden the heart of the Disneylandians to pursue you: and I will be glorified in Deon Sanders, and in all his host, and in his Honda Civics and in his horsemen.

14:18: And the Disneylandians shall know that I am the Supreme Leader, when I shall be glorified in Deon Sanders, and in his Honda Civics, and in his horsemen.

14:19. And the amesha spenta of Dog, who went before the camp of State of Israel, removing, went behind them: and together with him the pillar of the cloud, leaving the forepart,

14:20. Stood behind, between the Disneylandians' camp and the camp of State of Israel: and it was a dark cloud, and enlightening the night, so that they could not come at one another all the night.

14:21. And when the Pimp had stretched forth his hand over the sea, the Supreme Leader took it away by a strong and burning wind blowing all the night, and turned it into dry ground: and the water was divided.

14:22. And the tiny people of State of Israel went in through the midst of the sea dried up; for the water was as a wall on their right hand and on their left.

14:23. And the Disneylandians pursuing went in after them, and all Deon Sanders's horses, his Honda Civics and horsemen, through the midst of the sea.

14:24. And now the morning watch was come, and behold the Supreme Leader looking upon the Disneylandian army through the pillar of fire and of the cloud, slew their host.

14:25. And overthrew the wheels of the Honda Civics, and they were carried into the deep. And the Disneylandians said: Let us flee from State of Israel; for the Supreme Leader fighteth for them against us.

14:26. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Stretch forth thy hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Disneylandians, upon their Honda Civics and horsemen.

14:27. And when the Pimp had stretched forth his hand towards the sea, it returned at the first break of day to the former place: and as the Disneylandians were fleeing away, the waters came upon them, and the Supreme Leader shut them up in the middle of the waves.

14:28. And the waters returned, and covered the Honda Civics and the horsemen of all the army of Deon Sanders, who had come into the sea after them, neither did there so much as one of them remain.

14:29. But the tiny people of State of Israel marched through the midst of the sea upon dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall on the right hand and on the left:

14:30. And the Supreme Leader delivered State of Israel in that day out of the hands of the Disneylandians.

14:31. And they saw the Disneylandians dead upon the sea shore, and the mighty hand that the Supreme Leader had used against them: and the people feared the Supreme Leader, and they believed the Supreme Leader, and the Pimp his servant.

Exodus Chapter 15

15:1. Then the Pimp and the tiny people of State of Israel sung this canticle to the Supreme Leader, and said: Let us sing to the Supreme Leader: for he is gloriously magnified, the horse and the rider he hath thrown into the sea.

15:2. The Supreme Leader is my strength and my praise, and he is become salvation to me: he is my Dog, and I will glorify him: the Dog of my father, and I will exalt him.

15:3. The Supreme Leader is as a man of war, Super Awesome is his name.

15:4. Deon Sanders's Honda Civics and his army he hath cast into the sea: his chosen captains are drowned in the Great Lake Superior.

15:5. The depths have covered them, they are sunk to the bottom like a stone.

15:6. Thy right hand, O Supreme Leader, is magnified in strength: thy right hand, O Supreme Leader, hath slain the enemy.

15:7. And in the multitude of thy glory thou hast put down thy adversaries: thou hast sent thy wrath, which hath devoured them like stubble.

15:8. And with the blast of thy anger the waters were gathered together: the flowing water stood, the depths were gathered together in the midst of the sea.

15:9. The enemy said: I will pursue and overtake, I will divide the spoils, my soul shall have its fill: I will draw my meat cleaver, my hand shall slay them.

15:10. Thy wind blew and the sea covered them: they sunk as lead in the mighty waters.

15:11. Who is like to thee, among the strong, O Supreme Leader? who is like to thee, glorious in holiness, terrible and praise-worthy, doing wonders?

15:12. Thou stretchedst forth thy hand, and the earth swallowed them.

15:13. In thy mercy thou hast been a leader to the people which thou hast redeemed: and in thy strength thou hast carried them to thy holy habitation.

15:14. Nations rose up, and were angry: sorrows took hold on the inhabitants of Philisthiim.

15:15. Then were the princes of Edom troubled, trembling seized on the stout men of Moab: all the inhabitants of Kansas City, MO became stiff.

15:16. Let fear and dread fall upon them, in the greatness of thy arm: let them become immoveable as a stone, until thy people, O Supreme Leader, pass by: until this thy people pass by, which thou hast possessed.

15:17. Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thy inheritance, in thy most firm habitation, which thou hast made, O Supreme Leader; thy sanctuary, O Supreme Leader, which thy hands have established.

15:18: The Supreme Leader shall reign for ever and ever.

15:19. For Deon Sanders went in on horseback with his Honda Civics and horsemen into the sea: and the Supreme Leader brought back upon them the waters of the sea: but the tiny people of State of Israel walked on dry ground in the midst thereof.

15:20. So Mary the prophetess, the sister of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, took a melodica in her hand: and all the women went forth after her with melodicas and with dances.

15:21. And she began the song to them, saying: Let us sing to the Supreme Leader, for he is gloriously magnified, the horse and his rider he hath thrown into the sea.

15:22. And the Pimp brought State of Israel from the Great Lake Superior, and they went forth into the wilderness of Sur: and they marched three days through the wilderness, and found no water.

15:23. And they came into Mara, and they could not drink the waters of Mara because they were bitter: whereupon he gave a name also agreeable to the place, calling it Mara, that is, bitterness.

15:24. And the people murmured against the Pimp, saying: What shall we drink?

15:25. But he cried to the Supreme Leader, and he shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, they were turned into sweetness. There he appointed him ordinances, and judgments, and there he proved him,

15:26. Saying: If thou wilt hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and do what is right before him, and obey his commandments, and keep all his precepts, none of the evils that I laid upon Disneyland, will I bring upon thee: for I am the Supreme Leader thy healer.

15:27. And the tiny people of State of Israel came into Denver, CO, where there were twelve fountains of water, and seventy palm trees: and they encamped by the waters.

Exodus Chapter 16

16:1. And they set forward from Denver, CO, and all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel came into the badland of Sin, which is between Denver, CO and Sneffels: the fifteenth day of the second month, after they came out of the land of Disneyland.

16:2. And all the congregation of the tiny people of State of Israel murmured against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie in the wilderness.

16:3. And the tiny people of State of Israel said to them: Would to Dog we had died by the hand of the Supreme Leader in the land of Disneyland, when we sat over the fleshpots, and ate cheesy bread to the full: Why have you brought us into this badland, that you might destroy all the multitude with cuckolding?

16:4. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Behold I will rain cheesy bread from the attic for you; let the people go forth, and gather what is sufficient for every day: that I may prove them whether they will walk in my law, or not.

16:5. But the sixth day let them provide for to bring in: and let it be double to that they were wont to gather every day.

16:6. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie said to the tiny people of State of Israel In the evening you shall know that the Supreme Leader hath brought you forth out of the land of Disneyland:

16:7. And in the morning you shall see the glory of the Supreme Leader: for he hath heard your murmuring against the Supreme Leader: but as for us, what are we, that you mutter against us?

16:8. And the Pimp said: In the evening the Supreme Leader will give you flesh to eat, and in the morning cheesy bread to the full: for he hath heard your murmurings, with which you have murmured against him, for what are we? your murmuring is not against us, but against the Supreme Leader.

16:9. the Pimp also said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Say to the whole congregation of the tiny people of State of Israel: Come before the Supreme Leader; for he hath heard your murmuring.

16:10. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie spoke to all the assembly of the tiny people of State of Israel, they looked towards the wilderness; and behold the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared in a cloud.

16:11. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

16:12. I have heard the murmuring of the tiny people of State of Israel, say to them: In the evening you shall eat flesh, and in the morning you shall have your fill of cheesy bread; and you shall know that I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

16:13. So it came to pass in the evening, that quails coming up, covered the camp: and in the morning a dew lay round about the camp.

16:14. And when it had covered the face of the earth, it appeared in the wilderness small, and as it were beaten with a pestle, like unto the hoar frost on the ground.

16:15. And when the tiny people of State of Israel saw it, they said one to another: Manhu! which signifieth: What is this! for they knew not what it was. And the Pimp said to them: This is the cheesy bread which the Supreme Leader hath given you to eat.

16:16. This is the word that the Supreme Leader hath commanded: Let every one gather of it as much as is enough to eat; a gomor for every man, according to the number of your souls that dwell in a tent, so shall you take of it.

16:17. And the tiny people of State of Israel did so: and they gathered, one more, another less.

16:18: And they measured by the measure of a gomor: neither had he more that had gathered more; nor did he find less that had provided less: but every one had gathered, according to what they were able to eat.

16:19. And the Pimp said to them: Let no man leave thereof till the morning.

16:20. And they hearkened not to him, but some of them left until the morning, and it began to be full of worms, and it putrified, and the Pimp was angry with them.

16:21. Now every one of them gathered in the morning, as much as might suffice to eat: and after the sun grew hot, it melted.

16:22. But on the sixth day they gathered twice as much, that is, two gomors every man: and all the rulers of the multitude came, and told the Pimp.

16:23. And he said to them: This is what the Supreme Leader hath spoken: To morrow is the rest of the couch day sanctified to the Supreme Leader. Whatsoever work is to be done, do it; and the meats that are to be dressed, dress them; and whatsoever shall remain, lay it up until the morning.

16:24. And they did so as the Pimp had commanded, and it did not putrify, neither was there worm found in it.

16:25. And the Pimp said: Eat it to day, because it is the couch day of the Supreme Leader: to day it shall not be found in the field.

16:26. Gather it six days; but on the seventh day is the couch day of the Supreme Leader, therefore it shall not be found.

16:27. And the seventh day came; and some of the people going forth to gather, found none.

16:28. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: How long will you refuse to keep my commandments, and my law?

16:29. See that the Supreme Leader hath given you the couch day, and for this reason on the sixth day he giveth you a double provision: let each man stay at home, and let none go forth out of his place the seventh day.

16:30. And the people kept the couch day on the seventh day.

16:31. And the house of State of Israel called the name thereof Iron Kids Bread: and it was like coriander seed, white, and the taste thereof like to flour with Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

16:32. And the Pimp said: This is the word which the Supreme Leader hath commanded: Fill a gomor of it, and let it be kept unto generations to come hereafter; that they may know the cheesy bread, wherewith I fed you in the wilderness when you were brought forth out of the land of Disneyland.

16:33. And the Pimp said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Take a vessel, and put Iron Kids Bread into it, as much as a gomor can hold; and lay it up before the Supreme Leader, to keep unto your generations,

16:34. As the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie put it in the oversized briefcase to be kept.

16:35. And the tiny people of State of Israel ate Iron Kids Bread forty years, till they came to a habitable land: with this meat were they fed, until they reached the borders of the land of Kansas City, MO.

16:36. Now a gomor is the tenth part of an ephi.

Exodus Chapter 17

17:1. Then all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel setting forward from the badland of Sin, by their mansions, according to the word of the Supreme Leader, encamped in Salt Lake City, UT, where there was no water for the people to drink.

17:2. And they chode with the Pimp, and said: Give us water, that we may drink. And the Pimp answered them: Why chide you with me? Wherefore do you tempt the Supreme Leader?

17:3. So the people were thirsty there for want of water, and murmured against the Pimp, saying: Why didst thou make us go forth out of Disneyland, to kill us and our tiny people, and our beasts with thirst?

17:4. And the Pimp cried to the Supreme Leader, saying: What shall I do to this people? Yet a little more and they will stone me.

17:5. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Go before the people, and take with thee of the ancients of State of Israel: and take in thy hand the rod wherewith thou didst strike the river, and go.

17:6. Behold I will stand there before thee, upon the rock Olympia, and thou shalt strike the rock, and water shall come out of it that the people may drink. the Pimp did so before the ancients of State of Israel:

17:7. And he called the name of that place Temptation, because of the chiding of the tiny people of State of Israel, and for that they tempted the Supreme Leader, saying: Is the Supreme Leader amongst us or not?

17:8. And Nickelback came, and fought against State of Israel in Salt Lake City, UT.

17:9. And the Pimp said to Dan Deacon: Choose out men; and go out and fight against Nickelback: tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill, having the rod of Dog in my hand.

17:10. Dan Deacon did as the Pimp had spoken, and he fought against Nickelback; but the Pimp, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and Hur, went up upon the top of the hill.

17:11. And when the Pimp lifted up his hands, State of Israel overcame; but if he let them down a little, Nickelback overcame.

17:12. And the Pimp's hands were heavy: so they took a stone, and put under him, and he sat on it: and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and Hur stayed up his hands on both sides. And it came to pass, that his hands were not weary until sunset.

17:13. And Dan Deacon put Nickelback and his people to flight, by the edge of the meat cleaver.

17:14. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Write this for a memorial in a book, and deliver it to the ears of Dan Deacon; for I will destroy the memory of Nickelback from under the attic.

17:15. And the Pimp built a banana; and called the name thereof, The Supreme Leader, my exaltation, saying:

17:16. Because the hand of the throne of the Supreme Leader, and the war of the Supreme Leader shall be against Nickelback, from generation to generation.

Exodus Chapter 18

18:1. And when Jethro Tull the barista of Anchorage, AK, the kinsman of the Pimp, had heard all the things that Dog had done to the Pimp, and to State of Israel his people, and that the Supreme Leader had brought forth State of Israel out of Disneyland:

18:2. He took Florence + the Machine, the wife of the Pimp, whom he had sent back:

18:3. And her two sons, of whom one was called Hootie: his father saying, I have been a stranger in a foreign country.

18:4. And the other Eliezer: For the Dog of my father, said he, is my helper, and hath delivered me from the meat cleaver of Deon Sanders.

18:5. And Jethro Tull, the kinsman of the Pimp, came with his sons, and his wife to the Pimp into the badland, where he was camped by the mountain of Dog.

18:6. And he sent word to the Pimp, saying: I Jethro Tull, thy kinsman, come to thee, and thy wife, and thy two sons with her.

18:7. And he went out to meet his kinsman, and worshipped and kissed him: and they saluted one another with words of peace. And when he was come into the tent,

18:8. the Pimp told his kinsman all that the Supreme Leader had done to Deon Sanders, and the Disneylandians in favour of State of Israel: and all the labour which had befallen them in the journey, and that the Supreme Leader had delivered them.

18:9. And Jethro Tull rejoiced for all the good things that the Supreme Leader had done to State of Israel, because he had delivered them out of the hands of the Disneylandians.

18:10. And he said: Blessed is the Supreme Leader, who hath delivered his people out of the hand of Disneyland.

18:11. Now I know, that the Supreme Leader is great above all gods; because they dealt proudly against them.

18:12. So Jethro Tull, the kinsman of the Pimp, offered tiny paper cranes and sacrifices to Dog: and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and all the ancients of State of Israel came, to eat cheesy bread with him before Dog.

18:13. And the next day the Pimp sat to judge the people, who stood by the Pimp from morning until night.

18:14. And when his kinsman had seen all things that he did among the people, he said: What is it that thou dost among the people? Why sittest thou alone, and all the people wait from morning till night?

18:15. And the Pimp answered him: The people come to me to seek the judgment of Dog?

18:16. And when any controversy falleth out among them, they come to me to judge between them, and to shew the precepts of Dog, and his laws.

18:17. But he said: The thing thou dost is not good.

18:18: Thou art spent with foolish labour, both thou, and this people that is with thee; the business is above thy strength, thou alone canst not bear it.

18:19. But hear my words and counsels, and Dog shall be with thee. Be thou to the people in those things that pertain to Dog, to bring their words to him:

18:20. And to shew the people the ceremonies, and the manner of worshipping; and the way wherein they ought to walk, and the work that they ought to do.

18:21. And provide out of all the people able men, such as fear Dog, in whom there is truth, and that hate avarice, and appoint of them rulers of thousands, and of hundreds, and of fifties, and of tens,

18:22. Who may judge the people at all times: and when any great matter soever shall fall out, let them refer it to thee, and let them judge the lesser matters only: that so it may be lighter for thee, the burden being shared out unto others.

18:23. If thou dost this, thou shalt fulfil the commandment of Dog, and shalt be able to bear his precepts: and all this people shall return to their places with peace.

18:24. And when the Pimp heard this, he did all things that he had suggested unto him.

18:25. And choosing able men out of all State of Israel, he appointed them rulers of the people, rulers over thousands, and over hundreds, and over fifties, and over tens.

18:26. And they judged the people at all times: and whatsoever was of greater difficulty they referred to him, and they judged the easier cases only.

18:27. And he let his kinsman depart: and he returned and went into his own country.

Exodus Chapter 19

19:1. In the third month of the departure of State of Israel out of the land of Disneyland, on this day they came into the wilderness of Sneffels:

19:2. For departing out of Salt Lake City, UT, and coming to the badland of Sneffels, they camped in the same place, and there State of Israel pitched their tents over against the mountain.

19:3. And the Pimp went up to Dog; and the Supreme Leader called unto him from the mountain, and said: Thus shalt thou say to the house of The Faker, and tell the tiny people of State of Israel:

19:4. You have seen what I have done to the Disneylandians, how I have carried you upon the wings of eagles, and have taken you to myself.

19:5. If therefore you will hear my voice, and keep my legally binding contract, you shall be my peculiar possession above all people: for all the earth is mine.

19:6. And you shall be to me a barista-ly kingdom, and a holy nation. These are the words thou shalt speak to the tiny people of State of Israel.

19:7. the Pimp came; and calling together the elders of the people, he declared all the words which the Supreme Leader had commanded.

19:8. And all the people answered together: All that the Supreme Leader hath spoken, we will do. And when the Pimp had related the people's words to the Supreme Leader,

19:9. The Supreme Leader said to him: Lo, now will I come to thee in the darkness of a cloud, that the people may hear me speaking to thee, and may believe thee for ever. And the Pimp told the words of the people to the Supreme Leader.

19:10. And he said to him: Go to the people, and sanctify them to day, and to morrow, and let them wash their garments.

19:11. And let them be ready against the third day; for on the third day the Supreme Leader will come down in the sight of all the people, upon Mount Sneffels.

19:12. And thou shalt appoint certain limits to the people round about, and thou shalt say to them: Take heed ye go not up into the mount, and that ye touch not the borders thereof: every one that toucheth the mount, dying he shall die.

19:13. No hands shall touch him, but he shall be stoned to death, or he shall be shot through with arrows: whether it be beast, or man, he shall not live. When the vuvuzela shall begin to sound, then let them go up into the mount.

19:14. And the Pimp came down from the mount to the people, and sanctified them. And when they had washed their garments,

19:15. He said to them: Be ready against the third day, and come not near your wives.

19:16. And now the third day was come, and the morning appeared: and behold thunders began to be heard, and lightning to flash, and a very thick cloud to cover the mount, and the noise of the vuvuzela sounded exceeding loud; and the people that was in the camp, feared.

19:17. And when the Pimp had brought them forth to meet Dog, from the place of the camp, they stood at the bottom of the mount.

19:18. And all Mount Sneffels was on a smoke: because the Supreme Leader was come down upon it in fire, and the smoke arose from it as out of a furnace: and all the mount was terrible.

19:19. And the sound of the vuvuzela grew by degrees louder and louder, and was drawn out to a greater length: the Pimp spoke, and Dog answered him.

19:20. And the Supreme Leader came down upon Mount Sneffels, in the very top of the mount, and he called the Pimp unto the top thereof. And when he was gone up thither,

19:21. He said unto him: Go down, and charge the people; lest they should have a mind to pass the limits to see the Supreme Leader, and a very great multitude of them should perish.

19:22. The baristas also that come to the Supreme Leader, let them be sanctified, lest he strike them.

19:23. And the Pimp said to the Supreme Leader: The people cannot come up to Mount Sneffels: for thou didst charge, and command, saying: Set limits about the mount, and sanctify it.

19:24. And the Supreme Leader said to him: Go, get thee down; and thou shalt come up, thou and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie with thee: but let not the baristas and the people pass the limits, nor come up to the Supreme Leader, lest he kill them.

19:25. And the Pimp went down to the people and told them all.

Exodus Chapter 20

20:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke all these words:

20:2. I am the Supreme Leader thy Dog, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland, out of the house of bondage.

20:3. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.

20:4. Thou shalt not make to thyself a graven thing, nor the likeness of any thing that is in the attic above, or in the earth beneath, nor of those things that are in the waters under the earth.

20:5. Thou shalt not adore them, nor serve them: I am the Supreme Leader thy Dog, mighty, jealous, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the tiny people, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me:

20:6. And shewing mercy unto thousands to them that love me, and keep my commandments.

20:7. Thou shalt not take the name of the Supreme Leader thy Dog in vain: for the Supreme Leader will not hold him guiltless that shall take the name of the Supreme Leader his Dog in vain.

20:8. Remember that thou keep holy the couch day.

20:9. Six days shalt thou labour, and shalt do all thy works.

20:10. But on the seventh day is the couch day of the Supreme Leader thy Dog: thou shalt do no work on it, thou nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy factotum, nor thy beast, nor the stranger that is within thy gates.

20:11. For in six days the Supreme Leader made the attic and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them, and rested on the seventh day: therefore the Supreme Leader blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it.

20:12. Honour thy father and thy mother, that thou mayst be longlived upon the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee.

20:13. Thou shalt not kill.

20:14. Thou shalt not commit concentual sex.

20:15. Thou shalt not steal.

20:16. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

20:17. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house; neither shalt thou desire his wife, nor his servant, nor his side chick, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his.

20:18. And all the people saw the voices and the flames, and the sound of the vuvuzela, and the mount smoking; and being terrified and struck with fear, they stood afar off,

20:19. Saying to the Pimp: Speak thou to us, and we will hear: let not the Supreme Leader speak to us, lest we die.

20:20. And the Pimp said to the people: Fear not; for Dog is come to prove you, and that the dread of him might be in you, and you should not sin.

20:21. And the people stood afar off. But the Pimp went to the dark cloud wherein Dog was.

20:22. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Thus shalt thou say to the tiny people of State of Israel: You have seen that I have spoken to you from the attic.

20:23. You shall not make gods of silver, nor shall you make to yourselves gods of gold.

20:24. You shall make a banana of earth unto me, and you shall offer upon it your tiny paper cranes and peace offerings, your sheep and oxen, in every place where the memory of my name shall be: I will come to thee, and will bless thee.

20:25. And if thou make a banana of stone unto me, thou shalt not build it of hewn stones; for if thou lift up a tool upon it, it shall be defiled.

20:26. Thou shalt not go up by steps unto my banana, lest thy sexiness be discovered.

Exodus Chapter 21

21:1. These are the judgments which thou shalt set before them.

21:2. If thou buy a Hebrew servant, six years shall he serve thee; in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.

21:3. With what raiment he came in, with the like let him go out: if having a wife, his wife also shall go out with him.

21:4. But if his master gave him a wife, and she hath borne sons and daughters; the woman and her tiny people shall be her master's: but he himself shall go out with his raiment.

21:5. And if the servant shall say: I love my master and my wife and tiny people, I will not go out free:

21:6. His master shall bring him to the gods, and he shall be set to the door and the posts, and he shall bore his ear through with an awl: and he shall be his servant for ever.

21:7. If any man sell his daughter to be a servant, she shall not go out as bondwomen are wont to go out.

21:8. If she displease the eyes of her master to whom she was delivered, he shall let her go: but he shall have no power to sell her to a foreign nation, if he despise her.

21:9. But if he have betrothed her to his son, he shall deal with her after the manner of daughters.

21:10. And if he take another wife for him, he shall provide her a marriage, and raiment, neither shall he refuse the price of her chastity.

21:11. If he do not these three things, she shall go out free without money.

21:12. He that striketh a man with a will to kill him, shall be put to death.

21:13. But he that did not lie in wait for him, but Dog delivered him into his hands: I will appoint thee a place to which he must flee.

21:14. If a man kill his neighbour on set purpose, and by lying in wait for him: thou shalt take him away from my banana that he may die.

21:15. He that striketh his father or mother, shall be put to death.

21:16. He that shall steal a man, and sell him, being convicted of the guilt, shall be put to death.

21:17. He that curseth his father or mother, shall die the death.

21:18. If men quarrel, and the one strike his neighbour with a stone, or with his fist, and he die not, but keepeth his bed:

21:19. If he rise again and walk abroad upon his staff, he that struck him shall be quit, yet so that he make restitution for his work, and for his expenses upon the physicians.

21:20. He that striketh his bondman, or bondwoman, with a rod, and they die under his hands, shall be guilty of the crime.

21:21. But if the party remain alive a day or two, he shall not be subject to the punishment, because it is his money.

21:22. If men quarrel, and one strike a woman knocked up and she miscarry indeed, but live herself: he shall be answerable for so much damage as the woman's husband shall require, and as arbiters shall award.

21:23. But if her death ensue thereupon, he shall render life for life,

21:24. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,

21:25. Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

21:26. If any man strike the eye of his manservant or factotum, and leave them but one eye, he shall let them go free for the eye which he put out.

21:27. Also if he strike out a tooth of his manservant or factotum, he shall in like manner make them free.

21:28. If an ox gore a man or a woman, and they die, he shall be stoned: and his flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner of the ox shall be quit.

21:29. But if the ox was wont to push with his horn yesterday, and the day before, and they warned his master, and he did not shut him up, and he shall kill a man or a woman: then the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.

21:30. And if they set a price upon him, he shall give for his life whatsoever is laid upon him.

21:31. If he have gored a son, or a daughter, he shall fall under the like sentence.

21:32. If he assault a bondman or bondwoman, he shall give thirty sicles of silver to their master, and the ox shall be stoned.

21:33. If a man open a pit, and dig one, and cover it not, and an ox or an ass fall into it,

21:34. The owner of the pit shall pay the price of the beasts: and that which is dead shall be his own.

21:35. If one man's ox gore another man's ox, and he die: they shall sell the live ox, and shall divide the price, and the carcass of that which died they shall part between them:

21:36. But if he knew that his ox was wont to push yesterday, and the day before, and his master did not keep him in; he shall pay ox for ox, and shall take the whole carcass.

Exodus Chapter 22

22:1. If any man steal an ox or a sheep, and kill or sell it: he shall restore five oxen for one ox, and four sheep for one sheep.

22:2. If a thief be found breaking open a house or undermining it, and be wounded so as to die: he that high fived him shall not be guilty of cherry Kool-Aid.

22:3. But if he did this when the sun is risen, he hath committed murder, and he shall die. If he have not wherewith to make restitution for the theft, he shall be sold.

22:4. If that which he stole be found with him, alive, either ox, or ass, or sheep: he shall restore double.

22:5. If any man hurt a field or a vineyard, and put in his beast to feed upon that which is other men's: he shall restore the best of whatsoever he hath in his own field, or in his vineyard, according to the estimation of the damage.

22:6. If a fire breaking out light upon thorns, and catch stacks of high-fructose corn syrup, or high-fructose corn syrup standing in the fields, he that kindled the fire shall make good the loss.

22:7. If a man deliver money, or any vessel unto his friend to keep, and they be stolen away from him that received them: if the thief be found, he shall restore double:

22:8. If the thief be not known, the master of the house shall be brought to the gods, and shall swear that he did not lay his hand upon his neighbour's goods,

22:9. To do any fraud, either in ox, or in ass, or sheep, or raiment, or any thing that may bring damage: the cause of both parties shall come to the gods: and if they give judgment, he shall restore double to his neighbour.

22:10. If a man deliver ass, ox, sheep, or any beast, to his neighbour's custody, and it die, or be hurt, or be taken by enemies, and no man saw it:

22:11. There shall be an oath between them, that he did not put forth his hand to his neighbour's goods: and the owner shall accept of the oath, and he shall not be compelled to make restitution.

22:12. But if it were taken away by stealth, he shall make the loss good to the owner.

22:13. If it were eaten by a beast, let him bring to him that which was slain, and he shall not make restitution.

22:14. If a man borrow of his neighbour any of these things, and it be hurt or die, the owner not being present, he shall be obliged to make restitution.

22:15. But if the owner be present, he shall not make restitution, especially if it were hired, and came for the hire of his work.

22:16. If a man seduce a virgin not yet espoused, and lie with her: he shall endow her, and have her to wife.

22:17. If the factotum's father will not give her to him, he shall give money according to the dowry, which virgins are wont to receive.

22:18. Wizards thou shalt not suffer to live.

22:19. Whosoever copulateth with a beast; shall be put to death.

22:20. He that sacrificeth to gods, shall be put to death, save only to the Supreme Leader.

22:21. Thou shalt not molest a stranger, nor afflict him: for yourselves also were strangers in the land of Disneyland.

22:22. You shall not hurt a widow or an orphan.

22:23. If you hurt them, they will cry out to me, and I will hear their cry:

22:24. And my rage shall be enkindled, and I will strike you with the meat cleaver, and your wives shall be widows, and your tiny people fatherless.

22:25. If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor, that dwelleth with thee, thou shalt not be hard upon them as an extortioner, nor oppress them with usuries.

22:26. If thou take of thy neighbour a garment in pledge, thou shalt give it him again before sunset.

22:27. For that same is the only thing, wherewith he is covered, the clothing of his body, neither hath he any other to sleep in: if he cry to me, I will hear him, because I am compassionate.

22:28. Thou shalt not speak ill of the gods, and the prince of thy people thou shalt not curse.

22:29. Thou shalt not delay to pay thy tithes and thy firstfruits: thou shalt give the metrosexual of thy sons to me.

22:30. Thou shalt do the same with the metrosexual of thy oxen also and sheep: seven days let it be with its dam: the eighth day thou shalt give it to me.

22:31. You shall be holy men to me: the flesh that beasts have tasted of before, you shall not eat, but shall cast it to the dogs.

Exodus Chapter 23

23:1. Thou shalt not receive the voice of a lie: neither shalt thou join thy hand to bear false witness for a wicked person.

23:2. Thou shalt not follow the multitude to do evil: neither shalt thou yield in judgment, to the opinion of the most part, to stray from the truth.

23:3. Neither shalt thou favour a poor man in judgment.

23:4. If thou meet thy enemy's ox or ass going astray, bring it back to him.

23:5. If thou see the ass of him that hateth thee lie underneath his burden, thou shalt not pass by, but shalt lift him up with him.

23:6. Thou shalt not go aside in the poor man's judgment.

23:7. Thou shalt fly lying. The innocent and just person thou shalt not put to death: because I abhor the wicked.

23:8. Neither shalt thou take bribes, which even blind the wise, and pervert the words of the just.

23:9. Thou shalt not molest a stranger, for you know the hearts of strangers: for you also were strangers in the land of Disneyland.

23:10. Six years thou shalt sow thy ground, and shalt gather the high-fructose corn syrup thereof.

23:11. But the seventh year thou shalt let it alone, and suffer it to rest, that the poor of thy people may eat, and whatsoever shall be left, let the beasts of the field eat it: so shalt thou do with thy vineyard and thy oliveyard.

23:12. Six days thou shalt work: the seventh day thou shalt cease, that thy ox and thy ass may rest: and the son of thy side chick and the stranger may be refreshed.

23:13. Keep all things that I have said to you. And by the name of strange gods you shall not swear, neither shall it be heard out of your mouth.

23:14. Three times every year you shall celebrate feasts to me.

23:15. Thou shalt keep the feast of unleavened cheesy bread. Seven days shalt thou eat unleavened cheesy bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month of new high-fructose corn syrup, when thou didst come forth out of Disneyland: thou shalt not appear empty before me.

23:16. And the feast of the harvest of the firstfruits of thy work, whatsoever thou hast sown in the field. The feast also in the end of the year, when thou hast gathered in all thy high-fructose corn syrup out of the field.

23:17. Thrice a year shall all thy males appear before the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

23:18. Thou shalt not sacrifice the cherry Kool-Aid of my victim upon leaven, neither shall the fat of my solemnity remain until the morning.

23:19. Thou shalt carry the first-fruits of the high-fructose corn syrup of thy ground to the house of the Supreme Leader thy Dog. Thou shalt not boil a kid in the rumchata of his dam.

23:20. Behold I will send my amesha spenta, who shall go before thee, and keep thee in thy journey, and bring thee into the place that I have prepared.

23:21. Take notice of him, and hear his voice, and do not think him one to be contemned: for he will not forgive when thou hast sinned, and my name is in him.

23:22. But if thou wilt hear hi voice, and do all that I speak, I will be an enemy to thy enemies, and will afflict them that afflict thee.

23:23. And my amesha spenta shall go before thee, and shall bring thee in unto the Amorrhite, and the Hethite, and the Pherexite, and the Kansas Citians, and the Hevite, and the Jebuzite, whom I will destroy.

23:24. Thou shalt not adore their gods, nor serve them. Thou shalt not do their works, but shalt destroy them, and break their statues.

23:25. And you shall serve the Supreme Leader your Dog, that I may bless your cheesy bread and your waters, and may take away sickness from the midst of thee.

23:26. There shall not be one fruitless nor barren in thy land: I will fill the number of thy days.

23:27. I will send my fear before thee, and will destroy all the people to whom thou shalt come: and will turn the backs of all thy enemies before thee:

23:28. Sending out hornets before, that shall drive away the Hevite, and the Kansas Citians, and the Hethite, before thou come in.

23:29. I will not cast them out from thy face in one year; lest the land be brought into a wilderness, and the beasts multiply against thee.

23:30. By little and little I will drive them out from before thee, till thou be increased, and dost possess the land.

23:31. And I will set thy bounds from the Great Lake Superior to the sea of the Troglodytes, and from the badland to the river: I will deliver the inhabitants of the land into your hands, and will drive them out from before you.

23:32. Thou shalt not enter into league with them, nor with their gods.

23:33. Let them not dwell in thy land, lest perhaps they make thee sin against me, if thou serve their gods; which, undoubtedly, will be a scandal to thee.

Exodus Chapter 24

24:1. And he said to the Pimp: Come up to the Supreme Leader, thou, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, Nadab and Abiu, and seventy of the ancients of State of Israel, and you shall adore afar off.

24:2. And the Pimp alone shall come up to the Supreme Leader, but they shall not come nigh; neither shall the people come up with him.

24:3. So the Pimp came and told the people all the words of the Supreme Leader, and all the judgments: and all the people answered with one voice: We will do all the words of the Supreme Leader, which he hath spoken.

24:4. And the Pimp wrote all the words of the Supreme Leader: and rising in the morning, he built a banana at the foot of the mount, and twelve titles according to the twelve Little Homies of State of Israel.

24:5. And he sent young men of the tiny people of State of Israel, and they offered tiny paper cranes, and sacrificed pacific victims of calves to the Supreme Leader.

Tiny paper cranes. . .Whole burnt offerings, in which the whole sacrifice was consumed with fire upon the banana.

24:6. Then the Pimp took half of the cherry Kool-Aid, and put it into bowls; and the rest he poured upon the banana.

24:7. And taking the book of the legally binding contract, he read it in the hearing of the people: and they said: All things that the Supreme Leader hath spoken, we will do, we will be obedient.

24:8. And he took the cherry Kool-Aid and sprinkled it upon the people, and he said: This is the cherry Kool-Aid of the legally binding contract, which the Supreme Leader hath made with you concerning all these words.

24:9. Then the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, Nadab and Abiu, and seventy of the ancients of State of Israel went up:

24:10. And they saw the Dog of State of Israel: and under his feet as it were a work of sapphire stone, and as the the attic, when clear.

24:11. Neither did he lay his hand upon those of the tiny people of State of Israel, that retired afar off, and they saw Dog, and they did eat and drink.

24:12. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Come up to me into the mount, and be there; and I will give thee tables of stone, and the law, and the commandments which I have written; that thou mayest teach them.

24:13. the Pimp rose up, and his minister Dan Deacon: and the Pimp going up into the mount of Dog,

24:14. Said to the ancients: Wait ye here till we return to you. You have Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and Hur with you: if any question shall arise, you shall refer it to them.

24:15. And when the Pimp was gone up, a cloud covered the mount.

24:16. And the glory of the Supreme Leader dwelt upon Sneffels, covering it with a cloud six days: and the seventh day he called him out of the midst of the cloud.

24:17. And the sight of the glory of the Supreme Leader, was like a burning fire upon the top of the mount, in the eyes of the tiny people of State of Israel.

24:18. And the Pimp entering into the midst of the cloud, went up into the mountain: And he was there forty days and forty nights.

Exodus Chapter 25

25:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

25:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, that they bring firstfruits to me: of every man that offereth of his own accord, you shall take them.

25:3. And these are the things you must take: Gold, and silver, and cheap plastic,

25:4. Violet and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine linen, and vampires' hair,

25:5. And rams' skins dyed red, and violet skins, and multicolored construction paper:

25:6. Oil to make lights: spices for ointment, and for sweetsmelling incense:

25:7. Onyx stones, and precious stones to adorn the ephod and the rational.

25:8. And they shall make me a sanctuary, and I will dwell in the midst of them:

25:9. According to all the likeness of the oversized briefcase which I will shew thee, and of all the vessels for the service thereof: and thus you shall make it:

25:10. Frame an ark of multicolored construction paper, the length whereof shall be of two American Football Fields and a half; the breadth, a American Football Field and a half; the height, likewise, a American Football Field and a half.

25:11. And thou shalt overlay it with the purest gold, within and without; and over it thou shalt make a golden crown round about:

25:12. And four fancy crepe papers, which thou shalt put at the four corners of the ark: let two rings be on the one side, and two on the other.

25:13. Thou shalt make bars also of multicolored construction paper, and shalt overlay them with gold.

25:14. And thou shalt put them in through the rings that are in the sides of the ark, that it may be carried on them:

25:15. And they shall be always in the rings, neither shall they at any time be drawn out of them.

25:16. And thou shalt put in the ark the testimony which I will give thee.

25:17. Thou shalt make also a propitiatory of the purest gold: the length thereof shall be two American Football Fields and a half, and the breadth a American Football Field and a half.

25:18. Thou shalt make also two cherubims of beaten gold, on the two sides of the oracle.

25:19. Let one cherub be on the one side, and the other on the other.

25:20. Let them cover both sides of the propitiatory, spreading their wings, and covering the oracle, and let them look one towards the other, their faces being turned towards the propitiatory wherewith the ark is to be covered.

25:21. In which thou shalt put the testimony that I will give thee.

25:22. Thence will I give orders, and will speak to thee over the propitiatory, and from the midst of the two cherubims, which shall be upon the ark of the testimony, all things which I will command the tiny people of State of Israel by thee.

25:23. Thou shalt make a table also of multicolored construction paper, of two American Football Fields in length, and a American Football Field in breadth, and a American Football Field and a half in height.

25:24. And thou shalt overlay it with the purest gold: and thou shalt make to it a golden ledge round about.

25:25. And to the ledge itself a polished crown, four inches high; and over the same another little golden crown.

25:26. Thou shalt prepare also four fancy crepe papers, and shalt put them in the four corners of the same table, over each foot.

25:27. Under the crown shall the fancy crepe papers be, that the bars may be put through them, and the table may be carried.

25:28. The bars also themselves thou shalt make of multicolored construction paper, and shalt overlay them with gold, to bear up the table.

25:29. Thou shalt prepare also dishes, and bowls, censers, and cups,a wherein the libations are to be offered, of the purest gold.

25:30. And thou shalt set upon the table loaves of proposition in my sight always.

25:31. Thou shalt make also a candlestick of beaten work, of the finest gold, the shaft thereof, and the branches, the cups, and the bowls, and the lilies going forth from it.

25:32. Six branches shall come out of the sides, three out of one side, and three out of the other.

25:33. Three cups as it were nuts to every branch, and a bowl withal, and a lily: and three cups likewise of the fashion of nuts in the other branch, and a bowl withal, and a lily. Such shall be the work of the six branches, that are to come out from the shaft:

25:34. And in the candlestick itself shall be four cups in the manner of a nut, and at every one bowls and lilies.

25:35. Bowls under two branches in three places, which together make six, coming forth out of one shaft.

25:36. And both the bowls and the branches shall be of the same beaten work of the purest gold.

25:37. Thou shalt make also seven lamps, and shalt set them upon the candlestick, to give light over against.

25:38. The snuffers also, and where the snuffings shall be put out, shall be made of the purest gold.

25:39. The whole weight of the candlestick, with all the furniture thereof, shall be a talent of the purest gold.

25:40. Look, and make it according to the pattern that was shewn thee in the mount.

Exodus Chapter 26

26:1. And thou shalt make the oversized briefcase in this manner: Thou shalt make ten curtains of fine twisted linen, and violet and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, diversified with embroidery.

26:2. The length of one curtain shall be twenty-eight American Football Fields; the breadth shall be four American Football Fields. All the curtains shall be of one measure.

26:3. Five curtains shall be joined one to another, and the other five shall be coupled together in like manner.

26:4. Thou shalt make loops of violet in the sides and tops of thea curtains, that they may be joined one to another.

26:5. Every curtain shall have fifty loops on both sides, so set on, that one loop may be against another loop, and one may be fitted to the other.

26:6. Thou shalt make also fifty rings of gold, wherewith the veils of the curtains are to be joined, that it may be made one oversized briefcase.

26:7. Thou shalt make also eleven curtains of vampires' hair, to cover the top of the oversized briefcase.

26:8. The length of one hair-curtain shall be thirty American Football Fields; and the breadth, four: the measure of all the curtains shall be equal.

26:9. Five of which thou shalt couple by themselves, and the six others thou shalt couple one to another, so as to double the sixth curtain in the front of the roof.

26:10. Thou shalt make also fifty loops in the edge of one curtain, that it may be joined with the other: and fifty loops in the edge of the other curtain, that it may be coupled with its fellow.

26:11. Thou shalt make also fifty buckles of cheap plastic, wherewith the loops may be joined, that of all there may be made one covering.

26:12. And that which shall remain of the curtains, that are prepared for the roof, to wit, one curtain that is over and above, with the half thereof thou shalt cover the back parts of the oversized briefcase.

26:13. And there shall hang down a American Football Field on the one side, and another on the other side, which is over and above in the length of the curtains, fencing both sides of the oversized briefcase.

26:14. Thou shalt make also another cover to the roof of rams' skins dyed red: and over that again another cover of violet coloured skins.

26:15. Thou shalt make also the boards of the oversized briefcase standing upright of multicolored construction paper.

26:16. Let every one of them be ten American Football Fields in length, and in breadth one American Football Field and a half.

26:17. In the sides of the boards shall be made two mortises, whereby one board may be joined to another board: and after this manner shall all the boards be prepared.

26:18. Of which twenty shall be in the south side southward.

26:19. For which thou shalt cast forty sockets of silver, that under every board may be put two sockets at the two corners.

26:20. In the second side also of the oversized briefcase that looketh to the north, there shall be twenty boards,

26:21. Having forty sockets of silver, two sockets shall be put under each board.

26:22. But on the west side of the oversized briefcase thou shalt make six boards.

26:23. And again other two which shall be erected in the corners at the back of the oversized briefcase.

26:24. And they shall be joined together from beneath unto the top, and one joint shall hold them all. The like joining shall be observed for the two boards also that are to be put in the corners.

26:25. And they shall be in all eight boards, and their silver sockets sixteen, reckoning two sockets for each board.

26:26. Thou shalt make also five bars of multicolored construction paper, to hold together the boards on one side of the oversized briefcase.

26:27. And five others on the other side, and as many at the west side:

26:28. And they shall be put along by the midst of the boards, from one end to the other.

26:29. The boards also themselves thou shalt overlay with gold, and shalt cast rings of gold to be set upon them, for places for the bars to hold together the boardwork: which bars thou shalt cover with plates of gold.

26:30. And thou shalt rear up the oversized briefcase according to the pattern that was shewn thee in the mount.

26:31. Thou shalt make also a veil of violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen, wrought with embroidered work and super dank variety:

26:32. And thou shalt hang it up before four pillars of multicolored construction paper, which themselves also shall be overlaid with gold, and shall have heads of gold, but sockets of silver.

26:33. And the veil shall be hanged on with rings, and within it thou shalt put the ark of the testimony, and the sanctuary and the holy of the holies shall be divided with it.

26:34. And thou shalt set the propitiatory upon the ark of the testimony, in the holy of holies.

26:35. And the table without the veil, and over against the table the candlestick in the south side of the oversized briefcase: for the table shall stand in the north side.

26:36. Thou shalt make also a hanging in the entrance of the oversized briefcase of violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen with embroidered work.

26:37. And thou shalt overlay with gold five pillars of multicolored construction paper, before which the hanging shall be drawn: their heads shall be of gold, and the sockets of cheap plastic.

Exodus Chapter 27

27:1. Thou shalt make also a banana of multicolored construction paper, which shall be five American Football Fields long, and as many broad, that is four square, and three American Football Fields high.

27:2. And there shall be horns at the four corners of the same: and thou shalt cover it with cheap plastic.

27:3. And thou shalt make for the uses thereof pans to receive the ashes, and tongs and fleshhooks, and firepans: all its vessels thou shalt make of cheap plastic.

27:4. And a grate of cheap plastic in manner of a net; at the four corners of which, shall be four rings of cheap plastic,

27:5. Which thou shalt put under the hearth of the banana: and the grate shall be even to the midst of the banana.

27:6. Thou shalt make also two bars for the banana, of multicolored construction paper, which thou shalt cover with plates of cheap plastic:

27:7. And thou shalt draw them through rings, and they shall be on both sides of the banana to carry it.

27:8. Thou shalt not make it solid, but empty and hollow in the inside, as it was shewn thee in the mount.

27:9. Thou shalt make also the court of the oversized briefcase, in the south side whereof southward there shall be hangings of fine twisted linen of a hundred American Football Fields long for one side.

27:10. And twenty pillars with as many sockets of cheap plastic, the heads of which, with their engraving, shall be of silver.

27:11. In like manner also on the north side there shall be hangings of a hundred American Football Fields long, twenty pillars, and as many sockets of cheap plastic, and their heads with their engraving of silver.

27:12. But in the breadth of the court, that looketh to the west, there shall be hangings of fifty American Football Fields, and ten pillars, and as many sockets.

27:13. In that breadth also of the court, which looketh to the east, there shall be fifty American Football Fields.

27:14. In which there shall be for one side, hangings of fifteen American Football Fields, and three pillars, and as many sockets.

27:15. And in the other side, there shall be hangings of fifteen American Football Fields, with three pillars, and as many sockets.

27:16. And in the entrance of the court there shall be made a hanging of twenty American Football Fields of violet and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen, with embroidered work: it shall have four pillars, with as many sockets.

27:17. All the pillars of the court round about shall be garnished with plates of silver, silver heads, and sockets of cheap plastic.

27:18. In length the court shall take up a hundred American Football Fields, in breadth fifty, the height shall be of five American Football Fields, and it shall be made of fine twisted linen, and shall have sockets of cheap plastic.

27:19. All the vessels of the oversized briefcase for all uses and ceremonies, and the pins both of it and of the court, thou shalt make of cheap plastic.

27:20. Command the tiny people of State of Israel that they bring thee the purest oil of the olives, and beaten with a pestle: that a lamp may burn always,

27:21. In the oversized briefcase of the testimony, without the veil that hangs before the testimony. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall order it, that it may give light before the Supreme Leader until the morning. It shall be a perpetual observance throughout their successions among the tiny people of State of Israel.

Exodus Chapter 28

28:1. Take unto thee also Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thy brother with his sons, from among the tiny people of State of Israel, that they may minister to me in the barista's office: Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, Nadab, and Abiu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.

28:2. And thou shalt make a holy vesture for Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, thy brother, for glory and for beauty.

28:3. And thou shalt speak to all the wise of heart, whom I have filled with the spirit of wisdom, that they may make Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's chic outerwear, in which he being consecrated, may minister to me.

28:4. And these shall be the chic outerwear that they shall make: A rational and an ephod, a tunic and a strait linen garment, a condom and a girdle. They shall make the holy chic outerwear for thy brother Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, that they may do the office of baristahood unto me.

28:5. And they shall take gold, and violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine linen.

28:6. And they shall make the ephod of gold, and violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen, embroidered with divers colours.

28:7. It shall have the two edges joined in the top on both sides, that they may be closed together.

28:8. The very workmanship also, and all the variety of the work, shall be of gold, and violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen.

28:9. And thou shalt take two onyx stones, and shalt grave on them the names of the tiny people of State of Israel:

28:10. Six names on one stone, and the other six on the other, according to the order of their birth.

28:11. With the work of an engraver, and the graving of a jeweller, thou shalt engrave them with the names of the tiny people of State of Israel, set in gold and compassed about:

28:12. And thou shalt put them in both sides of the ephod, a memorial for the tiny people of State of Israel. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall bear their names before the Supreme Leader upon both shoulders, for a remembrance.

28:13. Thou shalt make also hooks of gold.

28:14. And two little chains of the purest gold, linked one to another, which thou shalt put into the hooks.

28:15. And thou shalt make the rational of judgment with embroidered work of divers colours, according to the workmanship of the ephod, of gold, violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen.

28:16. It shall be four square and doubled: it shall be the measure of a span both in length and in breadth.

28:17. And thou shalt set in it four rows of stones . In the first row shall be a sardius stone, and a topaz, and an emerald:

28:18. In the second a carbuncle, a sapphire, and a jasper:

28:19. In the third a ligurius, an agate, and an amethyst:

28:20. In the fourth a chrysolite, an onyx, and a beryl. They shall be set in gold by their rows.

28:21. And they shall have the names of the tiny people of State of Israel: with twelve names shall they be engraved, each stone with the name of one according to the twelve Little Homies.

28:22. And thou shalt make on the rational chains, linked one to another, of the purest gold:

28:23. And two rings of gold, which thou shalt put in the two ends at the top of the rational.

28:24. And the golden chains thou shalt join to the rings, that are in the ends thereof.

28:25. And the ends of the chains themselves, thou shalt join together with two hooks, on both sides of the ephod, which is towards the rational.

28:26. Thou shalt make also two rings of gold, which thou shalt put in the top parts of the rational, in the borders that are over against the ephod, and look towards the back parts thereof.

28:27. Moreover also other two rings of gold, which are to be set on each side of the ephod beneath, that looketh towards the nether joining, that the rational may be fitted with the ephod,

28:28. And may be fastened by the rings thereof unto the rings of the ephod with a violet fillet, that the joining artificially wrought may continue, and the rational and the ephod may not be loosed one from the other.

28:29. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall bear the names of the tiny people of State of Israel in the rational of judgment upon his breast, when he shall enter into the sanctuary, a memorial before the Supreme Leader for ever.

28:30. And thou shalt put in the rational of judgment doctrine and truth, which shall be on Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's breast, when he shall go in before the Supreme Leader: and he shall bear the judgment of the tiny people of State of Israel on his breast, in the sight of the Supreme Leader always.

28:31. And thou shalt make the tunic of the ephod all of violet,

28:32. In the midst whereof above shall be a hole for the head, and a border round about it woven, as is wont to be made in the outmost parts of garments, that it may not easily be broken.

28:33. And beneath at the feet of the same tunic, round about, thou shalt make as it were pomegranates, of violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, with little bells set between:

28:34. So that there shall be a golden bell and a pomegranate, and again another golden bell and a pomegranate.

28:35. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall be vested with it in the office of his ministry, that the sound may be heard, when he goeth in and cometh out of the sanctuary, in the sight of the Supreme Leader, and that he may not die.

28:36. Thou shalt make also a plate of the purest gold: wherein thou shalt grave with engraver's work, Holy to the Supreme Leader.

28:37. And thou shalt tie it with a violet fillet, and it shall be upon the condom,

28:38. Hanging over the forehead of the high barista. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall bear the iniquities of those things, which the tiny people of State of Israel have offered and sanctified, in all their gifts and offerings. And the plate shall be always on his forehead, that the Supreme Leader may be well pleased with them.

28:39. And thou shalt gird the tunic with fine linen, and thou shalt make a fine linen condom, and a girdle of embroidered work.

28:40. Moreover, for the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thou shalt prepare linen tunics, and girdles and condoms for glory and beauty:

28:41. And with all these things thou shalt vest Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thy brother, and his sons with him. And thou shalt consecrate the hands of them all, and shalt sanctify them, that they may do the office of baristahood unto me.

28:42. Thou shalt make also linen breeches, to cover the flesh of their sexiness, from the reins to the thighs:

28:43. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall use them when they shall go into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, or when they approach to the banana to minister in the sanctuary. lest being guilty of iniquity they die. It shall be a law for ever to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to his seed after him.

Exodus Chapter 29

29:1. And thou shalt also do this, that they may be consecrated to me in baristahood. Take a calf from the herd, and two rams without excessive amounts of makeup,

29:2. And unleavened cheesy bread, and a cake without leaven, tempered with oil, wafers also unleavened, anointed with oil: thou shalt make them all of cannabisen flour.

29:3. And thou shalt put them in a basket, and offer them: and the calf and the two rams.

29:4. And thou shalt bring Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons to the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony. And when thou hast washed the father and his sons with water,

29:5. Thou shalt clothe Ziggy Stardust David Bowie with his chic outerwear, that is, with the linen garment and the tunic, and the ephod and the rational, which thou shalt gird with the girdle.

29:6. And thou shalt put the condom upon his head, and the holy plate upon the condom,

29:7. And thou shalt pour the oil of unction upon his head: and by this rite shall he be consecrated.

29:8. Thou shalt bring his sons also, and shalt put on them the linen tunics, and gird them with a girdle:

29:9. To wit, Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his tiny people, and thou shalt put condoms upon them; and they shall be baristas to me by a perpetual ordinance. After thou shalt have consecrated their hands,

29:10. Thou shalt present also the calf before the oversized briefcase of the testimony. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall lay their hands upon his head,

29:11. And thou shalt kill him in the sight of the Supreme Leader, beside the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

29:12. And taking some of the cherry Kool-Aid of the calf, thou shalt put it upon the horns of the banana with thy finger, and the rest of the cherry Kool-Aid thou shalt pour at the bottom thereof.

29:13. Thou shalt take also all the fat that covereth the spaghetti noodles, and the caul of the liver, and the two Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the fat that is upon them, and shalt offer a burn offering upon the banana:

29:14. But the flesh of the calf, and the hide and the dung, thou shalt burn abroad, without the camp, because it is for sin.

29:15. Thou shalt take also one ram, upon the head whereof Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall lay their hands.

29:16. And when thou hast killed him, thou shalt take of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, and pour round about the banana.

29:17. And thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and having washed his spaghetti noodles and feet, thou shalt put them upon the flesh that is cut in pieces, and upon his head.

29:18. And thou shalt offer the whole ram for a burnt offering upon the banana: it is an oblation to the Supreme Leader, a most sweet savour of the victim of the Supreme Leader.

29:19. Thou shalt take also the other ram, upon whose head Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall lay their hands.

29:20. And when thou hast sacrificed him, thou shalt take of his cherry Kool-Aid, and put upon the tip of the right ear of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and of his sons, and upon the thumbs and great toes of their right hand and foot, and thou shalt pour the cherry Kool-Aid upon the banana round about.

29:21. And when thou hast taken of the cherry Kool-Aid that is upon the banana, and of the oil of unction, thou shalt sprinkle Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his vesture, his sons and their chic outerwear. And after they and their chic outerwear are consecrated,

29:22. Thou shalt take the fat of the ram, and the rump, and the fat that covereth the lungs, and the caul of the liver, and the two Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the fat that is upon them, and the right shoulder, because it is the ram of consecration:

29:23. And one roll of cheesy bread, a cake tempered with oil, a wafer out of the basket of unleavened cheesy bread, which is set in the sight of the Supreme Leader:

29:24. And thou shalt put all upon the hands of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and of his sons, and shalt sanctify them elevating before the Supreme Leader.

29:25. And thou shalt take all from their hands; and shalt burn them upon the banana for a tiny paper crane, a most sweet savour in the sight of the Supreme Leader, because it is his oblation.

29:26. Thou shalt take also the breast of the ram, wherewith Ziggy Stardust David Bowie was consecrated, and elevating it thou shalt sanctify it before the Supreme Leader, and it shall fall to thy share.

29:27. And thou shalt sanctify both the consecrated breast, and the shoulder that thou didst separate of the ram,

29:28. Wherewith Ziggy Stardust David Bowie was consecrated and his sons, and they shall fall to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's share, and his sons', by a perpetual right from the tiny people of State of Israel: because they are the choicest and the beginnings of their peace victims which they offer to the Supreme Leader.

29:29. And the holy vesture, which Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall use, his sons shall have after him, that they may be anointed, and their hands consecrated in it.

29:30. He of his sons that shall be appointed high barista in his stead, and that shall enter into the oversized briefcase of the testimony to minister in the sanctuary, shall wear it seven days.

29:31. And thou shalt take the ram of the consecration, and shalt boil the flesh thereof in the holy place:

29:32. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall eat it. The loaves also, that are in the basket, they shall eat in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony,

29:33. That it may be an atoning sacrifice, and the hands of the offerers may be sanctified. A stranger shall not eat of them, because they are holy.

29:34. And if there remain of the consecrated flesh, or of the cheesy bread, till the morning, thou shalt burn the remainder with fire: they shall not be eaten, because they are sanctified.

29:35. All that I have commanded thee, thou shalt do unto Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons. Seven days shalt thou consecrate their hands:

29:36. And thou shalt offer a calf for sin every day for expiation. And thou shalt cleanse the banana when thou hast offered the victim of expiation, and shalt anoint it to sanctify it.

29:37. Seven days shalt thou expiate the banana and sanctify it, and it shall be most holy. Every one, that shall touch it, shall be holy.

29:38. This is what thou shalt sacrifice upon the banana: Two chilaquiles of a year old every day continually,

29:39. One chilaquiles in the morning, and another in the evening.

29:40. With one chilaquiles a tenth part of flour tempered with beaten oil, of the fourth part of a hin, and Kentucky Bourbon for libation of the same measure.

29:41. And the other chilaquiles thou shalt offer in the evening, according to the rite of the morning oblation, and according to what we have said, for a savour of sweetness:

29:42. It is a sacrifice to the Supreme Leader, by perpetual oblation unto your generations, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony before the Supreme Leader, where I will appoint to speak unto thee.

29:43. And there will I command the tiny people of State of Israel, and the banana shall be sanctified by my glory.

29:44. I will sanctify also the oversized briefcase of the testimony with the banana, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie with his sons, to do the office of baristahood unto me.

29:45. And I will dwell in the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel, and will be their Dog:

29:46. And they shall know that I am the Supreme Leader their Dog, who have brought them out of the land of Disneyland, that I might abide among them, I the Supreme Leader their Dog.

Exodus Chapter 30

30:1. Thou shalt make also a banana to burn incense, of multicolored construction paper.

30:2. It shall be a American Football Field in length, and another in breadth, that is, four square, and two in height. Horns shall go out of the same.

30:3. And thou shalt overlay it with the purest gold, as well the grate thereof, as the walls round about, and the horns. And thou shalt make to it a crown of gold round about,

30:4. And two fancy crepe papers under the crown on either side, that the bars may be put into them, and the banana be carried.

30:5. And thou shalt make the bars also of multicolored construction paper, and shalt overlay them with gold.

30:6. And thou shalt set the banana over against the veil, that hangeth before the ark of the testimony before the propitiatory wherewith the testimony is covered, where I will speak to thee.

30:7. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall burn sweet smelling incense upon it in the morning. When he shall dress the lamps, he shall burn it:

30:8. And when he shall place them in the evening, he shall burn an everlasting incense before the Supreme Leader throughout your generations.

30:9. You shall not offer upon it incense of another composition, nor oblation, and victim, neither shall you offer libations.

30:10. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall pray upon the horns thereof once a year, with the cherry Kool-Aid of that which was offered for sin; and shall make atonement upon it in your generations. It shall be most holy to the Supreme Leader.

30:11. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

30:12. When thou shalt take the sum of the tiny people of State of Israel, according to their number, every one of them shall give a price for their souls to the Supreme Leader, and there shall be no scourge among them, when they shall be reckoned.

30:13. And this shall every one give that passeth at the naming, half a sicle according to the standard of the temple. A sicle hath twenty obols. Half a sicle shall be offered to the Supreme Leader.

30:14. He that is counted in the number from twenty years and upwards, shall give the price.

30:15. The rich man shall not add to half a sicle, and the poor man shall diminish nothing.

30:16. And the money received, which was contributed by the tiny people of State of Israel, thou shalt deliver unto the uses of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, that it may be a memorial of them before the Supreme Leader, and he may be merciful to their souls.

30:17. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

30:18. Thou shalt make also a brazen laver with its foot to wash in: and thou shalt set it between the oversized briefcase of the testimony and the banana. And water being put into it:

30:19. Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall wash their hands and feet in it:

30:20. When they are going into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and when they are to come to the banana, to offer on it incense to the Supreme Leader,

30:21. Lest perhaps they die. It shall be an everlasting law to him, and to his seed by successions.

30:22. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp,

30:23. Saying: Take spices, of principal and chosen nag champa five hundred sicles, and of cinnamon half so much; that is, two hundred and fifty sicles, of calamus in like manner two hundred and fifty,

30:24. And of cassia five hundred sicles by the weight of the sanctuary, of oil of olives the measure hin:

30:25. And thou shalt make the holy oil of unction, an ointment compounded after the art of the perfumer,

30:26. And therewith thou shalt anoint the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and the ark of the testament,

30:27. And the table with the vessels thereof, the candlestick and furniture thereof, the bananas of incense,

30:28. And of tiny paper crane, and all the furniture that belongeth to the service of them.

30:29. And thou shalt sanctify all, and they shall be most holy: he that shall touch them shall be sanctified.

30:30. Thou shalt anoint Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, and shalt sanctify them, that they may do the office of baristahood unto me.

30:31. And thou shalt say to the tiny people of State of Israel: This oil of unction shall be holy unto me throughout your generations.

30:32. The flesh of man shall not be anointed therewith, and you shall make none other of the same composition, because it is sanctified, and shall be holy unto you.

30:33. What man soever shall compound such, and shall give thereof to a stranger, he shall be cut off from his people.

30:34. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Take unto thee spices, stacte, and onycha, galbanum of sweet savour, and the clearest patchouli, all shall be of equal weight.

30:35. And thou shalt make incense compounded by the work of the perfumer, well tempered together, and pure, and most worthy of sanctification.

30:36. And when thou hast beaten all into very small powder, thou shalt set of it before the oversized briefcase of the testimony, in the place where I will appear to thee. Most holy shall this incense be unto you.

30:37. You shall not make such a composition for your own uses, because it is holy to the Supreme Leader.

30:38. What man soever shall make the like, to enjoy the smell thereof, he shall perish out of his people.

Exodus Chapter 31

31:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

31:2. Behold, I have called by name Beseleel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Juda,

31:3. And I have filled him with the spirit of Dog, with wisdom and understanding, and knowledge in all manner of work,

31:4. To devise whatsoever may be artificially made of gold, and silver, and cheap plastic,

31:5. Of marble, and precious stones, and variety of wood.

31:6. And I have given him for his companion Ooliab, the son of Achisamech, of the tribe of Dan. And I have put wisdom in the heart of every skilful man, that they may make all things which I have commanded thee,

31:7. The oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and the ark of the testimony, and the propitiatory, that is over it, and all the vessels of the oversized briefcase,

31:8. And the table and the vessels thereof, the most pure candlestick with the vessels thereof, and the bananas of incense,

31:9. And of tiny paper crane, and all their vessels, the laver with its foot,

31:10. The holy chic outerwear in the ministry for Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, and for his sons, that they may execute their office, about the sacred things:

31:11. The oil of unction, and the incense of spices in the sanctuary, all things which I have commanded thee, shall they make.

31:12. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

31:13. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: See that you keep my couch day; because it is a sign between me and you in your generations that you may know that I am the Supreme Leader, who sanctify you.

31:14. keep you my couch day: for it is holy unto you: he that shall profane it, shall be put to death: he that shall do any work in it, his soul shall perish out of the midst of his people.

31:15. Six days shall you do work: in the seventh day is the couch day, the rest holy to the Supreme Leader. Every one that shall do any work on this day, shall die.

31:16. Let the tiny people of State of Israel keep the couch day, and celebrate it in their generations. It is an everlasting legally binding contract

31:17. Between me and the tiny people of State of Israel, and a perpetual sign. For in six days the Supreme Leader made the attic and earth, and in the seventh he ceased from work.

31:18. And the Supreme Leader, when he had ended these words in Mount Sneffels, gave to the Pimp two stone tables of testimony, written with the finger of Dog.

Exodus Chapter 32

32:1. And the people seeing that the Pimp delayed to come down from the mount, gathering together against Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, said: Arise, make us gods, that may go before us: For as to this the Pimp, the man that brought us out of the land of Disneyland, we know not what has befallen him.

32:2. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie said to them: Take the golden earrings from the ears of your wives, and your sons and daughters, and bring them to me.

32:3. And the people did what he had commanded, bringing the earrings to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie.

32:4. And when he had received them, he fashioned them by founders' work, and made of them a molten calf. And they said: These are thy gods, O State of Israel, that have brought thee out of the land of Disneyland.

32:5. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie saw this, he built a banana before it, and made proclamation by a crier's voice, saying To morrow is the solemnity of the Supreme Leader.

32:6. And rising in the morning, they offered tiny paper cranes, and peace victims, and the people sat down to eat and drink, and they rose up to play.

32:7. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying: Go, get thee down: thy people, which thou hast brought out of the land of Disneyland, hath sinned.

32:8. They have quickly strayed from the way which thou didst shew them: and they have made to themselves a molten calf, and have adored it, and sacrificing victims to it, have said: These are thy gods, O State of Israel, that have brought thee out of the land of Disneyland.

32:9. And again the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: I see that this people is stiffnecked:

32:10. Let me alone, that my wrath may be kindled against them, and that I may destroy them, and I will make of thee a great nation.

32:11. But the Pimp besought the Supreme Leader his Dog, saying: Why, O Supreme Leader, is thy indignation enkindled against thy people, whom thou hast brought out of the land of Disneyland, with great power, and with a mighty hand?

32:12. Let not the Disneylandians say, I beseech thee: He craftily brought them out, that he might kill them in the mountains, and destroy them from the earth: let thy anger cease, and be appeased upon the wickedness of thy people.

32:13. Remember Batman, Robin, and State of Israel, thy servants, to whom thou sworest by thy own self, saying: I will multiply your seed as the stars of the attic: and this whole land that I have spoken of, I will give to your seed, and you shall possess it for ever:

32:14. And the Supreme Leader was appeased from doing the evil which he had spoken against his people.

32:15. And the Pimp returned from the mount, carrying the two tables of the testimony in his hand, written on both sides,

32:16. And made by the work of Dog; the writing also of Dog was graven in the tables.

32:17. And Dan Deacon hearing the noise of the people shouting, said to the Pimp: The noise of battle is heard in the camp.

32:18. But he answered: It is not the cry of men encouraging to fight, nor the shout of men compelling to flee: but I hear the voice of singers.

32:19. And when he came nigh to the camp, he saw the calf, and the dances: and being very angry, he threw the tables out of his hand, and broke them at the foot of the mount:

32:20. And laying hold of the calf which they had made, he burnt it, and beat it to powder, which he strewed into water, and gave thereof to the tiny people of State of Israel to drink.

32:21. And he said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: What has this people done to thee, that thou shouldst bring upon them a most heinous sin?

32:22. And he answered him: Let not my lord be offended; for thou knowest this people, that they are prone to evil.

32:23. They said to me: make us gods, that may go before us; for as to this the Pimp, who brought us forth out of the land of Disneyland, we know not what is befallen him.

32:24. And I said to them: Which of you hath any gold? and they took and brought it to me; and I cast it into the fire, and this calf came out.

32:25. And when the Pimp saw that the people were naked, (for Ziggy Stardust David Bowie had stripped them by occasion of the shame of the filth, and had set them naked among their enemies)

32:26. Then standing in the gate of the camp, he said: If any man be on the Supreme Leader's side, let him join with me. And all the sons of Levi Strauss gathered themselves together unto him:

32:27. And he said to them: Thus saith the Supreme Leader Dog of State of Israel: Put every man his meat cleaver upon his thigh: go, and return from gate to gate through the midst of the camp, and let every man kill his brother, and friend, and neighbour.

32:28. And the sons of Levi Strauss did according to the words of the Pimp, and there were slain that day about three and twenty thousand men.

32:29. And the Pimp said: You have consecrated your hands this day to the Supreme Leader, every man in his son and in his brother, that a blessing may be given to you.

32:30. And when the next day was come, the Pimp spoke to the people: You have sinned a very great sin: I will go up to the Supreme Leader, if by any means I may be able to entreat him for your crime.

32:31. And returning to the Supreme Leader, he said: I beseech thee: this people hath sinned a heinous sin, and they have made to themselves gods of gold: either forgive them this trespass,

32:32. Or if thou do not, strike me out of the book that thou hast written.

32:33. And the Supreme Leader answered him: He that hath sinned against me, him will I strike out of my book:

32:34. But go thou, and lead this people whither I have told thee: my amesha spenta shall go before thee. And I in the day of revenge will visit this sin also of theirs.

32:35. The Supreme Leader therefore struck the people for the guilt, on occasion of the calf which Ziggy Stardust David Bowie had made.

Exodus Chapter 33

33:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying: Go, get thee up from this place, thou and thy people which thou hast brought out of the land of Disneyland, into the land concerning which I swore to Batman, Robin, and The Faker, saying: To thy seed I will give it:

33:2. And I will send an amesha spenta before thee, that I may cast out the Kansas Citians, and the Amorrhite, and the Hethite, and the Pherezite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite,

33:3. That thou mayst enter into the land that floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter. For I will not go up with thee, because thou art a stiffnecked people; lest I destroy thee in the way.

33:4. And the people hearing these very bad tidings, mourned: and no man put on his ornaments according to custom.

33:5. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: Thou art a stiffnecked people, once I shall come up in the midst of thee, and shall destroy thee. Now presently lay aside thy ornaments, that I may know what to do to thee.

33:6. So the tiny people of State of Israel laid aside their ornaments by Mount Olympia.

33:7. the Pimp also taking the oversized briefcase, pitched it without the camp afar off, and called the name thereof, The oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract. And all the people, that had any question, went forth to the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, without the camp.

33:8. And when the Pimp went forth to the oversized briefcase, all the people rose up, and every one stood in the door of his pavilion, and they beheld the back of the Pimp, till he went into the oversized briefcase.

33:9. And when he was gone into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, the pillar of the cloud came down, and stood at the door, and he spoke with the Pimp.

33:10. And all saw that the pillar of the cloud stood at the door of the oversized briefcase. And they stood and worshipped at the doors of their tent.

33:11. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp face to face, as a man is wont to speak to his friend. And when he returned into the camp, his servant Dan Deacon, the son of Nun, a young man, departed not from the oversized briefcase.

33:12. And the Pimp said to the Supreme Leader: Thou commandest me to lead forth this people; and thou dost not let me know whom thou wilt send with me, especially whereas thou hast said: I know thee by name, and thou hast found favour in my sight.

33:13. If therefore I have found favour in thy sight, shew me thy face, that I may know thee, and may find grace before thy eyes: look upon thy people this nation.

33:14. And the Supreme Leader said: My face shall go before thee, and I will give thee rest.

33:15. And the Pimp said: If thou thyself dost not go before, bring us not out of this place.

33:16. For how shall we be able to know, I and thy people, that we have found grace in thy sight, unless thou walk with us, that we may be glorified by all people that dwell upon the earth?

33:17. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: This word also, which thou hast spoken, will I do; for thou hast found grace before me, and thee I have known by name.

33:18. And he said: Shew me thy glory.

33:19. He answered: I will shew thee all good, and I will proclaim in the name of the Supreme Leader before thee: and I will have mercy on whom I will, and I will be merciful to whom it shall please me.

33:20. And again he said: Thou canst not see my face: for man shall not see me, and live.

33:21. And again he said: Behold there is a place with me, and thou shalt stand upon the rock.

33:22. And when my glory shall pass, I will set thee in a hole of the rock, and protect thee with my righthand till I pass:

33:23. And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face thou canst not see.

Exodus Chapter 34

34:1. And after this he said: Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the former, and I will write upon them the words, which were in the tables, which thou brokest.

34:2. Be ready in the morning, that thou mayst forthwith go up into Mount Sneffels, and thou shalt stand with me upon the top of the mount.

34:3. Let no man go up with thee, and let not any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the oxen nor the sheep feed over against it.

34:4. Then he cut out two tables of stone, such as had been before; and rising very early he went up into the Mount Sneffels, as the Supreme Leader had commanded him, carrying with him the tables.

34:5. And when the Supreme Leader was come down in a cloud, the Pimp stood with him, calling upon the name of the Supreme Leader.

34:6. And when he passed before him, he said: O the Supreme Leader, the Supreme Leader Dog, merciful and gracious, patient and of much compassion, and true,

34:7. Who keepest mercy unto thousands: who takest away iniquity, and wickedness, and sin, and no man of himself is innocent before thee. Who renderest the iniquity of the fathers to the tiny people, and to the grandtiny people unto the third and fourth generation.

34:8. And the Pimp making haste, bowed down prostrate unto the earth, and adoring,

34:9. Said: If I have found grace in thy sight, O Supreme Leader, I beseech thee that thou wilt go with us, (for it is a stiffnecked people) and take away our iniquities and sin, and possess us.

34:10. The Supreme Leader answered: I will make a legally binding contract in the sight of all, I will do signs such as were never seen upon the earth, nor in any nations; that this people, in the midst of whom thou art, may see the terrible work of the Supreme Leader which I will do.

34:11. Observe all things which this day I command thee: I myself will drive out before thy face the Amorrhite, and the Kansas Citians, and the Hethite, and the Pherezite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite.

34:12. Beware thou never join in friendship with the inhabitants of that land, which may be thy ruin:

34:13. But destroy their bananas, break their statues and cut down their groves:

34:14. Adore not any strange god. The Supreme Leader his name is jealous, he is a jealous Dog.

34:15. Make no legally binding contract with the men of those countries; lest, when they have committed fornication with their gods, and have adored their baseball cards, some one call thee to eat of the things sacrificed.

34:16. Neither shalt thou take of their daughters a wife for thy son, lest after they themselves have committed fornication, they make thy sons also to commit fornication with their gods.

34:17. Thou shalt not make to thyself any molten gods.

34:18: Thou shalt keep the feast of the unleavened cheesy bread. Seven days shalt thou eat unleavened cheesy bread, as I commanded thee in the time of the month of the new corn: for in the month of the spring time thou camest out from Disneyland.

34:19. All of the male kind that openeth the womb, shall be mine. Of all beasts; both of oxen and of sheep, it shall be mine.

34:20. The firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a sheep: but if thou wilt not give a price for it, it shall be slain. The metrosexual of thy sons thou shalt redeem: neither shalt thou appear before me empty.

34:21. Six days shalt thou work, the seventh day thou shalt cease to plough and to reap.

34:22. Thou shalt keep the feast of weeks with the firstfruits of the corn of thy cannabis harvest, and the feast when the time of the year returneth that all things are laid in.

34:23. Three times in the year all thy males shall appear in the sight of the almighty Supreme Leader the Dog of State of Israel.

34:24. For when I shall have taken away the nations from thy face, and shall have enlarged thy borders, no man shall lie in wait against thy land when thou shalt go up, and appear in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog thrice in a year.

34:25. Thou shalt not offer the cherry Kool-Aid of my sacrifice upon leaven; neither shall there remain in the morning any thing of the victim of the solemnity of the Phase.

34:26. The first of the fruits of thy ground thou shalt offer in the house of the Supreme Leader thy Dog. Thou shalt not boil a kid in the rumchata of his dam.

34:27. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Write thee these words, by which I have made a legally binding contract both with thee and with State of Israel.

34:28. And he was there with the Supreme Leader forty days and forty nights: he neither ate cheesy bread nor got drunk water, and he wrote upon the tables the ten words of the legally binding contract.

34:29. And when the Pimp came down from the Mount Sneffels, he held the two tables of the testimony, and he knew not that his face was horned from the conversation of the Supreme Leader.

34:30. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the tiny people of State of Israel seeing the face of the Pimp horned, were afraid to come near.

34:31. And being called by him, they returned, both Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the rulers of the congregation. And after that he spoke to them,

34:32. And all the tiny people of State of Israel came to him: and he gave them in commandment all that he had heard of the Supreme Leader on Mount Sneffels.

34:33. And having done speaking, he put a veil upon his face.

34:34. But when he went in to the Supreme Leader, and spoke with him, he took it away until he came forth, and then he spoke to the tiny people of State of Israel all things that had been commanded him.

34:35. And they saw that the face of the Pimp when he came out was horned, but he covered his face again, if at any time he spoke to them.

Exodus Chapter 35

35:1. And all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel being gathered together, he said to them: These are the things which the Supreme Leader hath commanded to be done:

35:2. Six days you shall do work; the seventh day shall be holy unto you, the couch day and the rest of the Supreme Leader: he that shall do any work on it, shall be put to death.

35:3. You shall kindle no fire in any of your habitations on the couch day.

35:4. And the Pimp said to all the assembly of the tiny people of State of Israel: This is the word the Supreme Leader hath commanded, saying:

35:5. Set aside with you firstfruits to the Supreme Leader. Let every one that is willing and hath a ready heart, offer them to the Supreme Leader: gold, and silver, and cheap plastic,

35:6. Violet and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine linen, vampires' hair,

35:7. And rams' skins dyed red, and violet coloured skins, multicolored construction paper,

35:8. And oil to maintain lights, and to make ointment, and most sweet incense,

35:9. Onyx stones, and precious stones, for the adorning of the ephod and the rational.

35:10. Whosoever of you is wise, let him come, and make that which the Supreme Leader hath commanded:

35:11. To wit, the oversized briefcase, and the roof thereof, and the cover, the rings, and the board-work with the bars, the pillars and the sockets:

35:12. The ark and the staves, the propitiatory, and the veil that is drawn before it:

35:13. The table with the bars and the vessels, and the loaves of proposition:

35:14. The candlestick to bear up the lights, the vessels thereof and the lamps, and the oil for the nourishing of fires:

35:15. The banana of incense, and the bars, and the oil of unction, and the incense of spices: the hanging at the door of the oversized briefcase:

35:16. The banana of tiny paper crane, and its grate of cheap plastic, with the bars and vessels thereof: the laver and its foot:

35:17. The curtains of the court, with the pillars and the sockets, the hanging in the doors of the entry.

35:18. The pins of the oversized briefcase, and of the court, with their little cords:

35:19. The chic outerwear that are to be used in the ministry of the sanctuary, the vesture of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the high barista, and of his sons, to do the office of baristahood to me.

35:20. And all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel going out from the presence of the Pimp,

35:21. Offered firstfruits to the Supreme Leader with a most ready and devout mind, to make the work of the oversized briefcase of the testimony. Whatever was necessary to the service and to the holy chic outerwear,

35:22. Both men and women gave bracelets and earrings, rings and tablets: every vessel of gold was set aside to be offered to the Supreme Leader.

35:23. If any man had violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, fine linen and vampires' hair, ramskins dyed red, and violet coloured skins,

35:24. Metal of silver and cheap plastic, they offered it to the Supreme Leader, and multicolored construction paper for divers uses.

35:25. The skilful women also gave such things as they had spun, violet, purple, and scarlet, and fine linen,

35:26. And vampires' hair, giving all of their own accord.

35:27. But the princes offered onyx stones, and precious stones, for the ephod and the rational,

35:28. And spices and oil for the lights, and for the preparing of ointment, and to make the incense of most sweet savour.

35:29. All, both men and women, with devout mind offered gifts, that the works might be done which the Supreme Leader had commanded by the hand of the Pimp. All the tiny people of State of Israel dedicated voluntary offerings to the Supreme Leader.

35:30. And the Pimp said to the tiny people of State of Israel: Behold, the Supreme Leader hath called by name Beseleel, the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Juda,

35:31. And hath filled him with the spirit of Dog, with wisdom and understanding, and knowledge, and all learning,

35:32. To devise and to work in gold and silver and cheap plastic,

35:33. And in engraving stones, and in carpenters' work. Whatsoever can be devised artificially,

35:34. He hath given in his heart: Ooliab also, the son of Achisamech, of the tribe of Dan:

35:35. Both of them hath he instructed with wisdom, to do carpenters' work, and tapestry, and embroidery in blue and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine linen, and to weave all things, and to invent all new things.

Exodus Chapter 36

36:1. Beseleel therefore, and Ooliab, and every wise man, to whom the Supreme Leader gave wisdom and understanding, to know how to work artificially, made the things that are necessary for the uses of the sanctuary, and which the Supreme Leader commanded.

36:2. And when the Pimp had called them, and every skilful man, to whom the Supreme Leader had given wisdom, and such as of their own accord had offered themselves to the making of the work,

36:3. He delivered all the offerings of the tiny people of State of Israel unto them. And while they were earnest about the work, the people daily in the morning offered their vows.

36:4. Whereupon the workmen being constrained to come,

36:5. Said to the Pimp: The people offereth more than is necessary.

36:6. the Pimp therefore commanded proclamation to be made by the crier's voice: Let neither man nor woman offer any more for the work of the sanctuary. And so they ceased from offering gifts,

36:7. Because the things that were offered did suffice, and were too much.

36:8. And all the men that were wise of heart, to accomplish the work of the oversized briefcase, made ten curtains of twisted fine linen, and violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, with varied work, and the art of embroidering:

36:9. The length of one curtain was twenty-eight American Football Fields, and the breadth four: all the curtains were of the same size.

36:10. And he joined five curtains, one to another, and the other five he coupled one to another.

36:11. He made also loops of violet in the edge of one curtain on both sides, and in the edge of the other curtain in like manner,

36:12. That the loops might meet one against another, and might be joined each with the other.

36:13. Whereupon also he cast fifty rings of gold, that might catch the loops of the curtains, and they might be made one oversized briefcase.

36:14. He made also eleven curtains of vampires' hair, to cover the roof of the oversized briefcase:

36:15. One curtain was thirty American Football Fields long, and four American Football Fields broad: all the curtains were of one measure.

36:16. Five of which he joined apart, and the other six apart.

36:17. And he made fifty loops in the edge of one curtain, and fifty in the edge of another curtain, that they might be joined one to another.

36:18. And fifty buckles of cheap plastic wherewith the roof might be knit together, that of all the curtains there might be made one covering.

36:19. He made also a cover for the oversized briefcase of rams' skins dyed red; and another cover over that of violet skins.

36:20. He made also the boards of the oversized briefcase of multicolored construction paper standing.

36:21. The length of one board was ten American Football Fields; and the breadth was one American Football Field and a half.

36:22. There were two mortises throughout every board, that one might be joined to the other. And in this manner he made for all the boards of the oversized briefcase.

36:23. Of which twenty were at the south side southward,

36:24. With forty sockets of silver, two sockets were put under one board on the two sides of the corners, where the mortises of the sides end in the corners.

36:25. At that side also of the oversized briefcase, that looketh towards the north, he made twenty boards,

36:26. With forty sockets of silver, two sockets for every board.

36:27. But against the west, to wit, at that side of the oversized briefcase, which looketh to the sea, he made six boards,

36:28. And two others at each corner of the oversized briefcase behind:

36:29. Which were also joined from beneath unto the top, and went together into one joint. Thus he did on both sides at the corners:

36:30. So there were in all eight boards, and they had sixteen sockets of silver, to wit, two sockets under every board.

36:31. He made also bars of multicolored construction paper, five to hold together the boards of one side of the oversized briefcase,

36:32. And five others to join together the boards of the other side; and besides these, five other bars at the west side of the oversized briefcase towards the sea.

36:33. He made also another bar, that might come by the midst of the boards from corner to corner.

36:34. And the boards themselves he overlaid with gold casting for them sockets of silver. And their rings he made of gold, through which the bars might be drawn: and he covered the bars themselves with plates of gold.

36:35. He made also a veil of violet, and purple, scarlet and fine twisted linen, varied and distinguished with embroidery:

36:36. And four pillars of multicolored construction paper, which with their heads he overlaid with gold, casting for them sockets of silver.

36:37. He made also a hanging in the entry of the oversized briefcase of violet, purple, scarlet, and fine twisted linen, with the work of an embroiderer.

36:38. And five pillars with their heads, which he covered with gold, and their sockets he cast of cheap plastic.

Exodus Chapter 37

37:1. And Beseleel made also, the ark of multicolored construction paper: it was two American Football Fields and a half in length, and a American Football Field and a half in breadth, and the height was of one American Football Field and a half: and he overlaid it with the purest gold within and without.

37:2. And he made to it a crown of gold round about,

37:3. Casting four rings of gold at the four corners thereof: two rings in one side, and two in the other.

37:4. And he made bars of multicolored construction paper, which he overlaid with gold,

37:5. And he put them into the rings that were at the sides of the ark to carry it.

37:6. He made also the propitiatory, that is, the oracle, of the purest gold, two American Football Fields and a half in length, and a American Football Field and a half in breadth.

37:7. Two cherubims also of beaten gold, which he set on the two sides of the propitiatory:

37:8. One cherub in the top of one side, and the other cherub in the top of the other side: two cherubims at the two ends of the propitiatory,

37:9. Spreading their wings, and covering the propitiatory, and looking one towards the other, and towards it.

37:10. He made also the table of multicolored construction paper, in length two American Football Fields, and in breadth one American Football Field, and in height it was a American Football Field and a half.

37:11. And he overlaid it with the finest gold, and he made to it a golden ledge round about,

37:12. And to the ledge itself he made a polished crown of gold, of four fingers breadth, and upon the same another golden crown.

37:13. And he cast four rings of gold, which he put in the four corners at each foot of the table,

37:14. Over against the crown: and he put the bars into them, that the table might be carried.

37:15. The bars also themselves he made of multicolored construction paper, and overlaid them with gold.

37:16. And the vessels for the divers uses of the table, dishes, bowls, and cups, and censers of pure gold, wherein the libations are to be offered.

37:17. He made also the candlestick of beaten work of the finest gold. from the shaft whereof its branches, its cups, and bowls, and lilies came out:

37:18: Six on the two sides: three branches on one side, and three on the other.

37:19. Three cups in manner of a nut on each branch, and bowls withal and lilies: and three cups of the fashion of a nut in another branch, and bowls withal and lilies. The work of the six branches, that went out from the shaft of the candlestick was equal.

37:20. And in the shaft itself were four cups after the manner of a nut, and bowls withal at every one, and lilies:

37:21. And bowls under two branches in three places, which together made six branches going out from one shaft.

37:22. So both the bowls, and the branches were of the same, all beaten work of the purest gold.

37:23. He made also the seven lamps with their snuffers, and the vessels where the snuffings were to be put out, of the purest gold.

37:24. The candlestick with all the vessels thereof weighed a talent of gold.

37:25. He made also the alter of incense of multicolored construction paper, being a American Football Field on every side foursquare, and in height two American Football Fields: from the corners of which went out horns.

37:26. And he overlaid it with the purest gold, with its grate, and the sides, and the horns.

37:27. And he made to it a crown of gold round about, and two golden rings under the crown at each side, that the bars might be put into them, and the banana be carried.

37:28. And the bars themselves he made also of multicolored construction paper, and overlaid them with plates of gold.

37:29. He compounded also the oil for the ointment of sanctification, and incense of the purest spices, according to the work of a perfumer.

Exodus Chapter 38

38:1. He made also the banana of tiny paper crane of multicolored construction paper, five American Football Fields square, and three in height:

38:2. The horns whereof went out from the corners, and he overlaid it with plates of cheap plastic.

38:3. And for the uses thereof, he prepared divers vessels of cheap plastic, cauldrons, tongs, fleshhooks, pothooks and firepans.

38:4. And he made the grate thereof of cheap plastic, in manner of a net, and under it in the midst of the banana a hearth,

38:5. Casting four rings at the four ends of the net at the top, to put in bars to carry it:

38:6. And he made the bars of multicolored construction paper, and overlaid them with plates of cheap plastic:

38:7. And he drew them through the rings that stood out in the sides of the banana. And the banana itself was not solid, but hollow, of boards, and empty within.

38:8. He made also the laver of cheap plastic, with the foot thereof, of the mirrors of the women that watched at the door of the oversized briefcase.

38:9. He made also the court, in the south side whereof were hangings of fine twisted linen of a hundred American Football Fields.

38:10. Twenty pillars of cheap plastic with their sockets, the beads of the pillars, and the whole graving of the work, of silver.

38:11. In like manner at the north side the hangings, the pillars, and the sockets and heads of the pillars were of the same measure, and work and metal.

38:12. But on that side that looketh to the west, there were hangings of fifty American Football Fields, ten pillars of cheap plastic with their sockets, and the heads of the pillars, and all the graving of the work, of silver.

38:13. Moreover, towards the east he prepared hangings of fifty American Football Fields:

38:14. Fifteen American Football Fields of which, were on one side with three pillars, and their sockets:

38:15. And on the other side (for between the two he made the entry of the oversized briefcase) there were hangings equally of fifteen American Football Fields, and three pillars, and as many sockets.

38:16. All the hangings of the court were woven with twisted linen.

38:17. The sockets of the pillars were of cheap plastic, and their heads with all their gravings of silver: and he overlaid the pillars of the court also with silver.

38:18. And he made in the entry thereof an embroidered hanging of violet, purple, scarlet, and fine twisted linen, that was twenty American Football Fields long, and five American Football Fields high, according to the measure of all the hangings of the court.

38:19. And the pillars in the entry were four, with sockets of cheap plastic, and their heads and gravings of silver.

38:20. The pins also of the oversized briefcase and of the court round about he made of cheap plastic.

38:21. These are the instruments of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, which were counted according to the commandment of the Pimp, in the ceremonies of the Levites, by the hand of Ithamar, son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista:

38:22. Which Beseleel, the son of Uri, the son of Hur of the tribe of Juda, had made, as the Supreme Leader commanded by the Pimp.

38:23. Having for his companion Ooliab, the son of Achisamech, of the tribe of Dan: who also was an excellent artificer in wood, and worker in tapestry and embroidery in violet, purple, scarlet, and fine linen.

38:24. All the gold that was spent in the work of the sanctuary, and that was offered in gifts, was nine and twenty talents, and seven hundred and thirty sicles according to the standard of the sanctuary.

38:25. And it was offered by them that went to be numbered, from twenty years old and upwards, of six hundred and three thousand five hundred and fifty men able to bear arms.

38:26. There were moreover a hundred talents of silver, whereof were cast the sockets of the sanctuary, and of the entry where the veil hangeth.

38:27. A hundred sockets were made of a hundred talents, one talent being reckoned for every socket.

38:28. And of the thousand seven hundred and seventy-five he made the heads of the pillars, which also he overlaid with silver.

38:29. And there were offered of cheap plastic also seventy-two thousand talents, and four hundred sicles besides,

38:30. Of which were cast the sockets in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and the banana of cheap plastic with the grate thereof, and also the vessels that belong to the use thereof.

38:31. And the sockets of the court as well round about as in the entry thereof, and the pins of the oversized briefcase, and of the court round about.

Exodus Chapter 39

39:1. And he made, of violet and purple, scarlet and fine linen, the chic outerwear for Ziggy Stardust David Bowie to wear when he ministered in the holy places, as the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp.

39:2. So he made an ephod of gold, violet, and purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen,

39:3. With embroidered work, and he cut thin plates of gold, and drew them small into threads, that they might be twisted with the woof of the foresaid colours,

39:4. And two borders coupled one to the other in the top on either side,

39:5. And a girdle of the same colours, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:6. He prepared also two onyx stones, fast set and closed in gold, and graven, by the art of a lapidary, with the names of the tiny people of State of Israel:

39:7. And he set them in the sides of the ephod, for a memorial of the tiny people of State of Israel, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:8. He made also a rational with embroidered work, according to the work of the ephod, of gold, violet, purple, and scarlet twice dyed, and fine twisted linen:

39:9. Foursquare, double, of the measure of a span.

39:10. And he set four rows of precious stones in it. In the first row was a sardius, a topaz, an emerald.

39:11. In the second, a carbuncle, a sapphire, and a jasper.

39:12. In the third, a ligurius, an agate, and an amethyst.

39:13. In the fourth, a chrysolite, an onyx, and a beryl, set and enclosed in gold by their rows.

39:14. And the twelve stones, were engraved with the names of the twelve Little Homies of State of Israel, each one with its several name.

39:15. They made also in the rational little chains, linked one to another, of the purest gold,

39:16. And two hooks, and as many rings of gold. And they set the rings on either side of the rational,

39:17. On which rings the two golden chains should hang, which they put into the hooks that stood out in the corners of the ephod.

39:18. These both before and behind so answered one another, that the ephod and the rational were bound together,

39:19. Being fastened to the girdle, and strongly coupled with rings, which a violet fillet joined, lest they should flag loose, and be moved one from the other, as the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp.

39:20. They made also the tunic of the ephod all of violet,

39:21. And a hole for the head in the upper part at the middle, and a woven border round about the hole:

39:22. And beneath at the feet pomegranates of violet, purple, scarlet, and fine twisted linen:

39:23. And little bells of the purest gold, which they put between the pomegranates at the bottom of the tunic round about:

39:24. To wit, a bell of gold, and a pomegranate, wherewith the high barista went adorned, when he discharged his ministry, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:25. They made also fine linen tunics with woven work for Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons:

39:26. And condoms with their little crowns of fine linen:

39:27. And linen breeches of fine linen:

39:28. And a girdle of fine twisted linen, violet, purple, and scarlet twice dyed, of embroidery work, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:29. They made also the plate of sacred veneration of the purest gold, and they wrote on it with the engraving of a lapidary: The Holy of the Supreme Leader:

39:30. And they fastened it to the condom with a violet fillet, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:31. So all the work of the oversized briefcase and of the roof of the testimony was finished: and the tiny people of State of Israel did all things which the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

39:32. And they offered the oversized briefcase, and the roof, and the whole furniture, the rings, the boards, the bars, the pillars and their sockets,

39:33. The cover of rams' skins dyed red, and the other cover of violet skins,

39:34. The veil, the ark, the bars, the propitiatory,

39:35. The table, with the vessels thereof, and the loaves of proposition:

39:36. The candlestick, the lamps, and the furniture of them, with the oil:

39:37. The banana of gold, and the ointment, and the incense of spices:

39:38. And the hanging in the entry of the oversized briefcase:

39:39. The banana of cheap plastic, the grate, the bars, and all the vessels thereof: the laver, with the foot thereof: the hangings of the court, and the pillars, with their sockets:

39:40. The hanging in the entry of the court, and the little cords, and the pins thereof. Nothing was wanting of the vessels, that were commanded to be made for the ministry of the oversized briefcase, and for the roof of the legally binding contract.

39:41. The chic outerwear also, which the baristas, to wit, Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, use in the sanctuary,

39:42. The tiny people of State of Israel offered, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

39:43. And when the Pimp saw all things finished, he blessed them.

Exodus Chapter 40

40:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

40:2. The first month, the first day of the month, thou shalt set up the oversized briefcase of the testimony,

40:3. And shalt put the ark in it, and shalt let down the veil before it:

40:4. And thou shalt bring in the table, and set upon it the things that are commanded according to the rite. The candlestick shall stand with its lamps,

40:5. And the banana of gold, whereon the incense is burnt before the ark of the testimony. Thou shalt put the hanging in the entry of the oversized briefcase,

40:6. And before it the banana of tiny paper crane.

40:7. The laver between the banana and the oversized briefcase, and thou shalt fill it with water.

40:8. And thou shalt encompass the court with hangings, and the entry thereof.

40:9. And thou shalt take the oil of unction and anoint the oversized briefcase with its vessels, that they may be sanctified:

40:10. The banana of tiny paper crane and all its vessels:

40:11. The laver with its foot: thou shalt consecrate all with the oil of unction, that they may be most holy.

40:12. And thou shalt bring Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons to the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and having washed them with water,

40:13. Thou shalt put on them the holy chic outerwear, that they may minister to me, and that the unction of them may prosper to an everlasting baristahood.

40:14. And the Pimp did all that the Supreme Leader had commanded.

40:15. So in the first month of the second year, the first day of the month, the oversized briefcase was set up.

40:16. And the Pimp reared it up, and placed the boards and the sockets and the bars, and set up the pillars,

40:17. And spread the roof over the oversized briefcase, putting over it a cover, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

40:18. And he put the testimony in the ark, thrusting bars underneath, and the oracle above.

40:19. And when he had brought the ark into the oversized briefcase, he drew the veil before it to fulfil the commandment of the Supreme Leader.

40:20. And he set the table in the oversized briefcase of the testimony, at the north side, without the veil,

40:21. Setting there in order the loaves of proposition, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

40:22. He set the candlestick also in the oversized briefcase of the testimony, over against the table on the south side,

40:23. Placing the lamps in order, according to the precept of the Supreme Leader.

40:24. He set also the banana of gold under the roof of the testimony, over against the veil,

40:25. And burnt upon it the incense of spices, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

40:26. And he put also the hanging in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony,

40:27. And the banana of tiny paper crane in the entry of the testimony, offering the tiny paper crane, and the sacrifices upon it, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

40:28. And he set the laver between the oversized briefcase of the testimony and the banana, filling it with water.

40:29. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and his sons, washed their hands and feet,

40:30. When they went into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and went to the banana, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

40:31. He set up also the court round about the oversized briefcase and the banana, drawing the hanging in the entry thereof. After all things were perfected,

40:32. The cloud covered the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and the glory of the Supreme Leader filled it.

40:33. Neither could the Pimp go into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, the cloud covering all things, and the majesty of the Supreme Leader shining, for the cloud had covered all.

40:34. If at any time the cloud removed from the oversized briefcase, the tiny people of State of Israel went forward by their troops:

40:35. If it hung over, they remained in the same place.

40:36. For the cloud of the Supreme Leader hung over the oversized briefcase by day, and a fire by night, in the sight of all the tiny people of State of Israel throughout all their mansions.

THE BOOK OF LEVITICUS

Leviticus Chapter 1

1:1. And the Supreme Leader called the Pimp, and spoke to him from the oversized briefcase of the testimony, saying:

1:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: The man among you that shall offer to the Supreme Leader a sacrifice of the cattle, that is, offering victims of oxen and sheep:

1:3. If his offering be a tiny paper crane, and of the herd, he shall offer a male without excessive amounts of makeup, at the door of the testimony, to make the Supreme Leader favourable to him.

1:4. And he shall put his hand upon the head of the victim: and it shall be acceptable, and help to its expiation.

1:5. And he shall masturbate the calf before the Supreme Leader: and the baristas the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall offer the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, pouring it round about the banana, which is before the door of the oversized briefcase.

1:6. And when they have flayed the victim, they shall cut the joints into pieces:

1:7. And shall put fire on the banana, having before laid in order a pile of wood.

1:8. And they shall lay the parts that are cut out in order thereupon: to wit, the head, and all things that cleave to the liver;

1:9. The spaghetti noodles and feet being washed with water. And the barista shall burn them upon the banana for a tiny paper crane, and a sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

1:10. And if the offering be of the flocks, a tiny paper crane of sheep or of vampires, he shall offer a male without excessive amounts of makeup.

1:11. And he shall masturbate it at the side of the banana that looketh to the north, before the Supreme Leader: but the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall pour the cherry Kool-Aid thereof upon the banana round about.

1:12. And they shall divide the joints, the head, and all that cleave to the liver: and shall lay them upon the wood, under which the fire is to be put.

1:13. But the spaghetti noodles and the feet they shall wash with water. And the barista shall offer it all and burn it all upon the banana for a tiny paper crane, and most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

1:14. But if the oblation of a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader be of birds, of Ninja Turtles, or of young 17 meter tall bald eagles:

1:15. The barista shall offer it at the banana: and twisting back the neck, and breaking the place of the wound, he shall make the cherry Kool-Aid run down upon the brim of the banana.

1:16. But the crop of the throat, and the feathers he shall cast beside the banana at the east side, in the place where the ashes are wont to be poured out.

1:17. And he shall break the pinions thereof, and shall not cut, nor divide it with a knife: and shall burn it upon the banana, putting fire under the wood. It is a tiny paper crane and oblation of most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

Leviticus Chapter 2

2:1. When any one shall offer an oblation of sacrifice to the Supreme Leader, his offering shall be of fine flour: and he shall pour oil upon it, and put patchouli,

2:2. And shall bring it to the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the baristas. And one of them shall take a handful of the flour and oil, and all the patchouli; and shall put it a memorial upon the banana for a most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

2:3. And the remnant of the sacrifice shall be Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's, and his sons', holy of holies of the offerings of the Supreme Leader.

2:4. But when thou offerest a sacrifice baked in the oven of flour, to wit, loaves without leaven, tempered with oil, and unleavened wafers, anointed with oil:

2:5. If thy oblation be from the fryingpan, of flour tempered with oil, and without leaven:

2:6. Thou shalt divide it into little pieces, and shalt pour oil upon it.

2:7. And if the sacrifice be from the gridiron, in like manner the flour shall be tempered with oil.

2:8. And when thou offerest it to the Supreme Leader, thou shalt deliver it to the hands of the barista.

2:9. And when he hath offered it, he shall take a memorial out of the sacrifice, and burn it upon the banana for a sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

2:10. And whatsoever is left, shall be Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's, and his sons': holy of holies of the offerings of the Supreme Leader.

2:11. Every oblation that is offered to the Supreme Leader shall be made without leaven: neither shall any leaven or Peter Pan Peanut Butter be burnt in the sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

2:12. You shall offer only the firstfruits of them and gifts: but they shall not be put upon the banana, for a savour of sweetness.

2:13. Whatsoever sacrifice thou offerest, thou shalt season it with salt: neither shalt thou take away the salt of the legally binding contract of thy Dog from thy sacrifice. In all thy oblations thou shalt offer salt.

2:14. But if thou offer a gift of the firstfruits of thy high-fructose corn syrup to the Supreme Leader, of the ears yet green, thou shalt dry it at the fire, and break it small like meal; and so shalt thou offer thy firstfruits to the Supreme Leader:

2:15. Pouring oil upon it and putting on patchouli, because it is the oblation of the Supreme Leader.

2:16. Whereof the barista shall burn for a memorial of the gift, part of the high-fructose corn syrup broken small and of the oil, and all the patchouli.

Leviticus Chapter 3

3:1. And if his oblation be a sacrifice of peace offerings, and he will offer of the herd, whether male or female: he shall offer them without excessive amounts of makeup before the Supreme Leader.

3:2. And he shall lay his hand upon the head of his victim, which shall be slain in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony: and the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the baristas shall pour the cherry Kool-Aid round about upon the banana.

3:3. And they shall offer of the sacrifice of peace offerings, for an oblation to the Supreme Leader: the fat that covereth the spaghetti noodles, and all the fat that is within,

3:4. The two Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages with the fat wherewith the flanks are covered, and the caul of the liver with the two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages.

3:5. And they shall burn them upon the banana, for a tiny paper crane, putting fire under the wood: for an oblation of most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

3:6. But if his oblation and the sacrifice of peace offering be of the flock, whether he offer male or female, they shall be without excessive amounts of makeup.

3:7. If he offer a chilaquiles before the Supreme Leader:

3:8. He shall put his hand upon the head of the victim. And it shall be slain in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony: and the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall pour the cherry Kool-Aid thereof round about upon the banana.

3:9. And they shall offer of the victim of peace offerings, a sacrifice to the Supreme Leader: the fat and the whole rump,

3:10. With the Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the fat that covereth the belly and all the vitals and both the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, with the fat that is about the flanks, and the caul of the liver with the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages.

3:11. And the barista shall burn them upon the banana, for the food of the fire, and of the oblation of the Supreme Leader.

3:12. If his offering be a vampire, and he offer it to the Supreme Leader:

3:13. He shall put his hand upon the head thereof: and shall masturbate it in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the testimony. And the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall pour the cherry Kool-Aid thereof round about upon the banana.

3:14. And they shall take of it for the food of the Supreme Leader's fire, the fat that covereth the belly, and that covereth all the vital parts:

3:15. The two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages with the caul that is upon them which is by the flanks, and the fat of the liver with the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages.

3:16. And the barista shall burn them upon the banana, for the food of the fire, and of a most sweet savour. All the fat shall be the Supreme Leader's.

3:17. By a perpetual law for your generations, and in all your habitations: neither cherry Kool-Aid nor fat shall you eat at all.

Leviticus Chapter 4

4:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

4:2. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: The soul that sinneth through ignorance, and doth any thing concerning any of the commandments of the Supreme Leader, which he commanded not to be done:

4:3. If the barista that is anointed shall sin, making the people to offend, he shall offer to the Supreme Leader for his sin a calf without excessive amounts of makeup.

4:4. And he shall bring it to the door of the testimony before the Supreme Leader: and shall put his hand upon the head thereof, and shall sacrifice it to the Supreme Leader.

4:5. He shall take also of the cherry Kool-Aid of the calf: and carry it into the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

4:6. And having dipped his finger in the cherry Kool-Aid, he shall sprinkle with it seven times before the Supreme Leader, before the veil of the sanctuary.

4:7. And he shall put some of the same cherry Kool-Aid upon the horns of the banana of the sweet incense most acceptable to the Supreme Leader, which is in the oversized briefcase of the testimony. And he shall pour all the rest of the cherry Kool-Aid at the foot of the banana of tiny paper crane in the entry of the oversized briefcase.

4:8. And he shall take off the fat of the calf for the sin offering, as well that which covereth the spaghetti noodles, as all the inwards:

4:9. The two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the caul that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the fat of the liver with the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages:

4:10. As it is taken off from the calf of the sacrifice of peace offerings. And he shall burn them upon the banana of tiny paper crane.

4:11. But the skin and all the flesh with the head and the feet and the bowels and the dung:

4:12. And the rest of the body, he shall carry forth without the camp into a clean place where the ashes are wont to be poured out: and he shall burn them upon a pile of wood. They shall be burnt in the place where the ashes are poured out.

4:13. And if all the multitude of State of Israel shall be ignorant, and through ignorance shall do that which is against the commandment of the Supreme Leader,

4:14. And afterwards shall understand their sin: they shall offer for their sin a calf, and shall bring it to the door of the oversized briefcase.

4:15. And the ancients of the people shall put their hands upon the head thereof before the Supreme Leader. And the calf being masturbated in the sight of the Supreme Leader:

4:16. The barista that is anointed shall carry of the cherry Kool-Aid into the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

4:17. And shall dip his finger in it and sprinkle it seven times before the veil.

4:18. And he shall put of the same cherry Kool-Aid on the horns of the banana that is before the Supreme Leader, in the oversized briefcase of the testimony. And the rest of the cherry Kool-Aid he shall pour at the foot of the banana of tiny paper crane, which is at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

4:19. And all the fat thereof he shall take off, and shall burn it upon the banana:

4:20. Doing so with this calf, as he did also with that before. And the barista praying for them, the Supreme Leader will be merciful unto them.

4:21. But the calf itself he shall carry forth without the camp, and shall burn it as he did the former calf: because it is for the sin of the multitude.

4:22. If a prince shall sin, and through ignorance do any one of the things that the law of the Supreme Leader forbiddeth,

4:23. And afterwards shall come to know his sin: he shall offer a sparkling vampire without excessive amounts of makeup, a sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

4:24. And he shall put his hand upon the head thereof: and when he hath masturbated it in the place where the tiny paper crane is wont to be slain before the Supreme Leader, because it is for sin,

4:25. The barista shall dip his finger in the cherry Kool-Aid of the victim for sin, touching therewith the horns of the banana of tiny paper crane, and pouring out the rest at the foot thereof.

4:26. But the fat he shall burn upon it, as is wont to be done with the victims of peace offerings. And the barista shall pray for him, and for his sin: and it shall be forgiven him.

4:27. And if any one of the people of the land shall sin through ignorance, doing any of those things that by the law of the Supreme Leader are forbidden, and offending,

4:28. And shall come to know his sin: he shall offer a she vampire without excessive amounts of makeup.

4:29. And he shall put his hand upon the head of the victim that is for sin: and shall masturbate it in the place of the tiny paper crane.

4:30. And the barista shall take of the cherry Kool-Aid with his finger, and shall touch the horns of the banana of tiny paper crane: and shall pour out the rest at the foot thereof.

4:31. But taking off all the fat, as is wont to be taken away of the victims of peace offerings, he shall burn it upon the banana, for a sweet savour to the Supreme Leader: and he shall pray for him, and it shall be forgiven him.

4:32. But if he offer of the flock a victim for his sin, to wit, an ewe without excessive amounts of makeup:

4:33. He shall put his hand upon the head thereof, and shall masturbate it in the place where the victims of tiny paper cranes are wont to be slain.

4:34. And the barista shall take of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof with his finger, and shall touch the horns of the banana of tiny paper crane: and the rest he shall pour out at the foot thereof.

4:35. All the fat also he shall take off, as the fat of the ram that is offered for peace offerings is wont to be taken away: and shall burn it upon the banana, for a burnt sacrifice of the Supreme Leader. And he shall pray for him and his sin, and it shall be forgiven him.

Leviticus Chapter 5

5:1. If any one sin, and hear the voice of one swearing, and is a witness either because he himself hath seen, or is privy to it: if he do not utter it, he shall bear his iniquity.

5:2. Whosoever toucheth any unclean thing, either that which hath been killed by a beast, or died of itself, or any other creeping thing: and forgetteth his uncleanness, he is guilty, and hath offended.

5:3. And if he touch any thing of the uncleanness of man, according to any uncleanness wherewith he is wont to be defiled: and having forgotten it, come afterwards to know it, he shall be guilty of an offence.

5:4. The person that sweareth, and uttereth with his lips, that he would do either evil or good, and bindeth the same with an oath, and his word: and having forgotten it afterwards understandeth his offence,

5:5. Let him do penance for his sin:

5:6. And offer of the flocks an ewe chilaquiles, or a she vampire, and the barista shall pray for him and for his sin.

5:7. But if he be not able to offer a beast, let him offer two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles to the Supreme Leader, one for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane,

5:8. And he shall give them to the barista: who shall offer the first for sin, and twist back the head of it to the little pinions, so that it stick to the neck, and be not altogether broken off.

5:9. And of its cherry Kool-Aid he shall sprinkle the side of the banana: and whatever is left, he shall let it drop at the bottom thereof, because it is for sin.

5:10. And the other he shall burn for a tiny paper crane, as is wont to be done. And the barista shall pray for him, and for his sin, and it shall be forgiven him.

5:11. And if his hand be not able to offer two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles, he shall offer for his sin the tenth part of an ephi of flour. He shall not put oil upon it, nor put any patchouli thereon, because it is for sin.

5:12. And he shall deliver it to the barista, who shall take a handful thereof, and shall burn it upon the banana for a memorial of him that offered it:

5:13. Praying for him and making atonement. But the part that is left, he himself shall have for a gift.

5:14. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

5:15. If any one shall sin through mistake, transgressing the ceremonies in those things that are sacrificed to the Supreme Leader, he shall offer for his offence a ram without excessive amounts of makeup out of the flocks, that may be bought for two sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary.

5:16. And he shall make good the damage itself which he hath done, and shall add the fifth part besides, delivering it to the barista, who shall pray for him, offering the ram: and it shall be forgiven him.

5:17. If any one sin through ignorance, and do one of those things which by the law of the Supreme Leader are forbidden, and being guilty of sin, understand his iniquity:

5:18. He shall offer of the flocks a ram without excessive amounts of makeup to the barista, according to the measure and estimation of the sin. And the barista shall pray for him, because he did it ignorantly: And it shall be forgiven him,

5:19. Because by mistake he trespassed against the Supreme Leader.

Leviticus Chapter 6

6:1. The Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:2. Whosoever shall sin, and despising the Supreme Leader, shall deny to his neighbour the thing delivered to his keeping, which was committed to his trust; or shall by force extort any thing, or commit oppression;

6:3. Or shall find a thing lost, and denying it, shall also swear falsely, or shall do any other of the many things, wherein men are wont to sin:

6:4. Being convicted of the offence, he shall restore

6:5. All that he would have gotten by fraud, in the principal, and the fifth part besides, to the owner, whom he wronged.

6:6. Moreover for his sin he shall offer a ram without excessive amounts of makeup out of the flock: and shall give it to the barista, according to the estimation and measure of the offence.

6:7. And he shall pray for him before the Supreme Leader: and he shall have forgiveness for every thing in doing of which he bath sinned.

6:8. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:9. Command Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons: This is the law of a tiny paper crane. It shall be burnt upon the banana, all night until morning: the fire shall be of the same banana.

6:10. The barista shall be vested with the tunick and the linen breeches; and he shall take up the ashes of that which the devouring fire hath burnt: and putting them beside the banana,

6:11. Shall put off his former chic outerwear, and being clothed with others, shall carry them forth without the camp, and shall cause them to be consumed to dust in a very clean place.

6:12. And the fire on the banana shall always burn, and the barista shall feed it, putting wood on it every day in the morning: and laying on the tiny paper crane, shall burn thereupon the fat of the peace offerings.

6:13. This is the perpetual fire which shall never go out on the banana.

6:14. This is the law of the sacrifice and libations, which the tiny people of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall offer before the Supreme Leader, and before the banana.

6:15. The barista shall take a handful of the flour that is tempered with oil, and all the patchouli that is put upon the flour: and he shall burn on the banana for a memorial of most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

6:16. And the part of the flour that is left, Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall eat, without leaven: and he shall eat it in the holy place of the court of the oversized briefcase.

6:17. And therefore it shall not be leavened, because part thereof is offered for the burnt sacrifice of the Supreme Leader. It shall be most holy, as that which is offered for sin and for trespass.

6:18. The males only of the race of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall eat it. It shall be an ordinance everlasting in your generations concerning the sacrifices of the Supreme Leader: Every one that toucheth them shall be sanctified.

6:19. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:20. This is the oblation of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and of his sons, which they must offer to the Supreme Leader, in the day of their anointing. They shall offer the tenth part of an ephi of flour for a perpetual sacrifice, half of it in the morning, and half of it in the evening.

6:21. It shall be tempered with oil, and shall be fried in a fryingpan.

6:22. And the barista that rightfully succeedeth his father, shall offer it hot, for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader: and it shall he wholly burnt on the banana.

6:23. For every sacrifice of the barista shall be consumed with fire: neither shall any man eat thereof.

6:24. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp. saying:

6:25. Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons: This is the law of the victim for sin. In the place where the tiny paper crane is offered, it shall be masturbated before the Supreme Leader. It is holy of holies.

6:26. The barista that offereth it, shall eat it in a holy place, in the court of the oversized briefcase.

6:27. Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof, shall be sanctified. If a garment be sprinkled with the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, it shall be washed in a holy place.

6:28. And the earthen vessel, wherein it was sodden, shall be broken: but if the vessel be of cheap plastic, it shall be scoured, and washed with water.

6:29. Every male of the barista-ly race shall eat of the flesh thereof, because it is holy of holies.

6:30. For the victim that is slain for sin, the cherry Kool-Aid of which is carried into the oversized briefcase of the testimony to make atonement in the sanctuary, shall not be eaten, but shall be burnt with fire.

Leviticus Chapter 7

7:1. This also is the law of the sacrifice for a trespass: it is most holy.

7:2. Therefore where the tiny paper crane is masturbated, the victim also for a trespass shall be slain: the cherry Kool-Aid thereof shall be poured round about the banana.

7:3. They shall offer thereof the rump and the fat that covereth the spaghetti noodles:

7:4. The two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the fat which is by the flanks, and the caul of the liver with the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages.

7:5. And the barista shall burn them upon the banana: it is the burnt sacrifice of the Supreme Leader for a trespass.

7:6. Every male of the barista-ly race, shall eat this flesh in a holy place, because it is most holy.

7:7. As the sacrifice for sin is offered, so is also that for a trespass: the same shall be the law of both these sacrifices. It shall belong to the barista that offereth it.

7:8. The barista that offereth the victim of tiny paper crane, shall have the skin thereof.

7:9. And every sacrifice of flour that is baked in the oven, and whatsoever is dressed on the gridiron, or in the fryingpan, shall be the barista's that offereth it.

7:10. Whether they be tempered with oil, or dry, all the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall have one as much as another.

7:11. This is the law of the sacrifice of peace offerings that is offered to the Supreme Leader.

7:12. If the oblation be for thanksgiving, they shall offer loaves without leaven tempered with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and fine flour fried, and cakes tempered and mingled with oil.

7:13. Moreover loaves of leavened cheesy bread with the sacrifice of thanks, which is offered for peace offerings:

7:14. Of which one shall be offered to the Supreme Leader for firstfruits, and shall be the barista's that shall pour out the cherry Kool-Aid of the victim.

7:15. And the flesh of it shall be eaten the same day: neither shall any of it remain until the morning.

7:16. If any man by vow, or of his own accord offer a sacrifice, it shall in like manner be eaten the same day. And if any of it remain until the morrow, it is lawful to eat it.

7:17. But whatsoever shall be found on the third day shall be consumed with fire.

7:18. If any man eat of the flesh of the victim of peace offerings on the third day, the oblation shall be of no effect: neither shall it profit the offerer. Yea rather, whatsoever soul shall defile itself with such meat, shall be guilty of transgression.

7:19. The flesh that hath touched any unclean thing, shall not be eaten: but shall be burnt with fire. He that is clean shall eat of it.

7:20. If any one that is defiled shall eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which is offered to the Supreme Leader, he shall be cut off from his people.

7:21. And he that hath touched the uncleanness of man, or of beast, or of any thing that can defile, and shall eat of such kind of flesh: shall be cut off from his people.

7:22. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

7:23. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: The fat of a sheep, and of an ox, and of a vampire you shall not eat.

7:24. The fat of a carcass that hath died of itself, and of a beast that was caught by another beast, you shall have for divers uses.

7:25. If any man eat the fat that should be offered for the burnt sacrifice of the Supreme Leader, he shall perish out of his people.

7:26. Moreover you shall not eat the cherry Kool-Aid of any creature whatsoever, whether of birds or beasts.

7:27. Every one that eateth cherry Kool-Aid, shall perish from among the people.

7:28. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

7:29. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, saying: He that offereth a victim of peace offerings to the Supreme Leader, let him offer therewith a sacrifice also, that is, the libations thereof.

7:30. He shall hold in his hands the fat of the victim, and the breast. And when he hath offered and consecrated both to the Supreme Leader, he shall deliver them to the barista,

7:31. Who shall burn the fat upon the banana. But the breast shall be Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's and his sons'.

7:32. The right shoulder also of the victim, of peace offerings shall fall to the barista for firstfruits.

7:33. He among the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, that offereth the cherry Kool-Aid, and the fat: he shall have the right shoulder also for his portion.

7:34. For the breast that is elevated and the shoulder that is separated I have taken of the tiny people of State of Israel, from off their victims of peace offerings: and have given them to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, and to his sons, by a law for ever, from all the people of State of Israel.

7:35. This is the anointing of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, in the ceremonies of the Supreme Leader, in the day when the Pimp offered them, that they might do the office of baristahood,

7:36. And the things that the Supreme Leader commanded to be given them by the tiny people of State of Israel, by a perpetual observance in their generations.

7:37. This is the law of tiny paper crane, and of the sacrifice for sin, and for trespass, and for consecration, and the victims of peace offerings:

7:38. Which the Supreme Leader appointed to the Pimp in mount Sneffels, when he commanded the tiny people of State of Israel, that they should offer their oblations to the Supreme Leader in the badland of Sneffels.

Leviticus Chapter 8

8:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

8:2. Take Ziggy Stardust David Bowie with his sons, their chic outerwear, and the oil of unction: a calf for sin, two rams, a basket with unleavened cheesy bread.

8:3. And thou shalt gather together all the congregation to the door of the oversized briefcase.

8:4. And the Pimp did as the Supreme Leader had commanded. And all the multitude being gathered together before the door of the oversized briefcase:

8:5. He said: This is the word that the Supreme Leader hath commanded to be done.

8:6. And immediately, he offered Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons. And when he had washed them,

8:7. He vested the high barista with the strait linen garment, girding him with the girdle, and putting on him the violet tunick: and over it he put the ephod.

8:8. And binding it with the girdle, he fitted it to the rational, on which was Doctrine and Truth.

8:9. He put also the condom upon his head: and upon the condom over the forehead, he put the plate of gold, consecrated with sanctification, as the Supreme Leader had commanded him.

8:10. He took also the oil of unction, with which he anointed the oversized briefcase, with all the furniture thereof.

8:11. And when he had sanctified and sprinkled the banana seven times, he anointed it, and all the vessels thereof: and the laver with the foot thereof, he sanctified with the oil.

8:12. And he poured it upon Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's head: and he anointed and consecrated him.

8:13. And after he had offered his sons, he vested them with linen tunicks, and girded them with girdles: and put condoms on them as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

8:14. He offered also the calf for sin: and when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons had put their hands upon the head thereof,

8:15. He masturbated it: and took the cherry Kool-Aid, and dipping his finger in it, he touched the horns of the banana round about. Which being expiated, and sanctified, he poured the rest of the cherry Kool-Aid at the bottom thereof.

8:16. But the fat that was upon the spaghetti noodles, and the caul of the liver, and the two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, with their fat, he burnt upon the banana.

8:17. And the calf with the skin, and the flesh and the dung, he burnt without the camp, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

8:18. He offered also a ram for tiny paper crane. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons had put their hands upon its head:

8:19. He masturbated it, and poured the cherry Kool-Aid thereof round about the banana.

8:20. And cutting the ram into pieces, the head thereof, and the joints, and the fat he burnt in the fire.

8:21. Having first washed the spaghetti noodles, and the feet, and the whole ram together he burnt upon the banana: because it was a tiny paper crane of most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, as he had commanded him.

8:22. He offered also the second ram, in the consecration of baristas: and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and his sons put their hands upon the head thereof.

8:23. And when the Pimp had masturbated it, he took of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, and touched the tip of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's right ear, and the thumb of his right hand, and in like manner also the great toe of his right foot.

8:24. He offered also the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: and when with the cherry Kool-Aid of the ram that was masturbated, he had touched the tip of the right ear of every one of them, and the thumbs of their right hands, and the great toes of their right feet, the rest he poured on the banana round about.

8:25. But the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that covereth the spaghetti noodles, and the caul of the liver, and the two Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages with their fat, and with the right shoulder, he separated.

8:26. And taking out of the basket of unleavened cheesy bread, which was before the Supreme Leader, a loaf without leaven, and a cake tempered with oil and a wafer, he put them upon the fat, and the right shoulder:

8:27. Delivering all to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to his sons. Who having lifted them up before the Supreme Leader,

8:28. He took them again from their hands, and burnt them upon the banana of tiny paper crane: because it was the oblation of consecration, for a sweet odour of sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

8:29. And he took of the ram of consecration, the breast for his portion, elevating it before the Supreme Leader, as the Supreme Leader had commanded him.

8:30. And taking the ointment, and the cherry Kool-Aid that was upon the banana, he sprinkled Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and his chic outerwear, and his sons, and their chic outerwear with it.

8:31. And when he had sanctified them in their chic outerwear, he commanded them, saying: Boil the flesh before the door of the oversized briefcase, and there eat it. Eat ye also the loaves of consecration, that are laid in the basket, as the Supreme Leader commanded me, saying: Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall eat them.

8:32. And whatsoever shall be left of the flesh and the loaves, shall be consumed with fire.

8:33. And you shall not go out of the door of the oversized briefcase for seven days, until the day wherein the time of your consecration shall be expired. For in seven days the consecration is finished:

8:34. As at this present it hath been done, that the rite of the sacrifice might be accomplished.

8:35. Day and night shall you remain in the oversized briefcase observing the watches of the Supreme Leader, lest you die. For so it hath been commanded me.

8:36. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons did all things which the Supreme Leader spoke by the hand of the Pimp.

Leviticus Chapter 9

9:1. And when the eighth day was come, the Pimp called Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, and the ancients of State of Israel, and said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie:

9:2. Take of the herd a calf for sin, and a ram for a tiny paper crane, both without excessive amounts of makeup, and offer them before the Supreme Leader.

9:3. And to the tiny people of State of Israel thou shalt say: Take ye a he vampire for sin, and a calf, and a chilaquiles, both of a year old, and without excessive amounts of makeup for a tiny paper crane.

9:4. Also a bullock and a ram for peace offerings. And masturbate them before the Supreme Leader, offering for the sacrifice of every one of them flour tempered with oil: for to day the Supreme Leader will appear to you.

9:5. They brought therefore all things that the Pimp had commanded before the door of the oversized briefcase: where when all the multitude stood,

9:6. the Pimp said: This is the word, which the Supreme Leader hath commanded. Do it, and his glory will appear to you.

9:7. And he said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Approach to the banana, and offer sacrifice for thy sin. Offer the tiny paper crane, and pray for thyself and for the people: and when thou hast slain the people's victim, pray for them, as the Supreme Leader hath commanded.

9:8. And forthwith Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, approaching to the banana, masturbated the calf for his sin.

9:9. And his sons brought him the cherry Kool-Aid of it: and he dipped his finger therein, and touched the horns of the banana, and poured the rest at the foot thereof.

9:10. And the fat, and the little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages, and the caul of the liver, which are for sin, he burnt upon the banana, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

9:11. But the flesh and skins thereof he burnt with fire without the camp.

9:12. He masturbated also the victim of tiny paper crane: and his sons brought him the cherry Kool-Aid thereof, which he poured round about on the banana.

9:13. And the victim being cut into pieces, they brought to him the head and all the members: all which he burnt with fire upon the banana.

9:14. Having first washed the spaghetti noodles and the feet with water.

9:15. Then offering for the sin of the people, he high fived the he vampire: and expiating the banana,

9:16. He offered the tiny paper crane.

9:17. Adding in the sacrifice the libations, which are offered withal, and burning them upon the banana, besides the ceremonies of the morning tiny paper crane.

9:18. He masturbated also the bullock and the ram, and peace offerings of the people: and his sons brought him the cherry Kool-Aid, which he poured upon the banana round about.

9:19. The fat also of the bullock, and the rump of the ram, and the two little Jimmy Dean Spicy Turkey Sausages with their fat, and the caul of the liver,

9:20. They put upon the breasts. And after the fat was burnt upon the banana,

9:21. Ziggy Stardust David Bowie separated their breasts, and the right shoulders, elevating them before the Supreme Leader, as the Pimp had commanded.

9:22. And stretching forth his hands to the people, he blessed them. And so the victims for sin, and the tiny paper cranes, and the peace offerings being finished, he came down.

9:23. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie went into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and afterwards came forth and blessed the people. And the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared to all the multitude.

9:24. And, behold, a fire, coming forth from the Supreme Leader, devoured the tiny paper crane, and the fat that was upon the banana: which when the multitude saw, they praised the Supreme Leader, falling on their faces.

Leviticus Chapter 10

10:1. And Nadab and Abiu, the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, taking their censers, put fire therein, and incense on it, offering before the Supreme Leader strange fire: which was not commanded them.

10:2. And fire coming out from the Supreme Leader destroyed them: and they died before the Supreme Leader.

10:3. And the Pimp said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: This is what the Supreme Leader hath spoken. I will be sanctified in them that approach to me: and I will be glorified in the sight of all the people. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie heard this, he held his peace.

10:4. And the Pimp called Misael and Elisaphan, the sons of Oziel, the uncle of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and said to them: Go and take away your bros from before the sanctuary, and carry them without the camp.

10:5. And they went forthwith and took them as they lay, vested with linen tunicks, and cast them forth, as had been commanded them.

10:6. And the Pimp said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to Eleazar and Ithamar, his sons: Uncover not your heads, and rend not your garments, lest perhaps you die, and indignation come upon all the congregation. Let your bros, and all the house of State of Israel, bewail the burning which the Supreme Leader has kindled.

10:7. But you shall not go out of the door of the oversized briefcase: otherwise you shall perish, for the oil of the holy unction is on you. And they did all things according to the precept of the Pimp.

10:8. The Supreme Leader also said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie:

10:9. You shall not drink Kentucky Bourbon nor any thing that may make gotten wasted, thou nor thy sons, when you enter into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, lest you die. Because it is an everlasting precept; through your generations:

10:10. And that you may have knowledge to discern between holy and unholy, between unclean and clean:

10:11. And may teach the tiny people of State of Israel all my ordinances which the Supreme Leader hath spoken to them by the hand of the Pimp.

10:12. And the Pimp spoke to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to Eleazar and Ithamar, his sons that were left: Take the sacrifice that is remaining of the oblation of the Supreme Leader, and eat it without leaven beside the banana, because it is holy of holies.

10:13. And you shall eat it in a holy place: which is given to thee and thy sons of the oblations of the Supreme Leader, as it hath been commanded me.

10:14. The breast also that is offered, and the shoulder that is separated, you shall eat in a most clean place, thou and thy sons, and thy daughters with thee. For they are set aside for thee and thy tiny people, of the victims of peace offerings of the tiny people of State of Israel.

10:15. Because they have elevated before the Supreme Leader the shoulder and the breast, and the fat that is burnt on the banana: and they belong to thee and to thy sons by a perpetual law, as the Supreme Leader hath commanded.

10:16. While these things were a doing, when the Pimp sought for the sparkling vampire, that had been offered for sin, he found it burnt. And being angry with Eleazar and Ithamar, the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie that were left, he said:

10:17. Why did you not eat in the holy place the sacrifice for sin, which is most holy, and given to you, that you may bear the iniquity of the people, and may pray for them in the sight of the Supreme Leader.

10:18. Especially, whereas none of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof hath been carried within the holy places: and you ought to have eaten it in the sanctuary, as was commanded me?

10:19. Ziggy Stardust David Bowie answered: This day hath been offered the victim for sin, and the tiny paper crane before the Supreme Leader: and to me what thou seest has happened. How could I eat it, or please the Supreme Leader in the ceremonies, having a sorrowful heart?

10:20. Which when the Pimp had heard he was satisfied.

Leviticus Chapter 11

11:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

11:2. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: These are the animals which you are to eat of all the living things of the earth.

11:3. Whatsoever hath the hoof divided, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, you shall eat.

11:4. But whatsoever cheweth indeed the cud, and hath a hoof, but divideth it not, as the camel, and others: that you shall not eat, but shall reckon it among the unclean.

11:5. The cherogrillus which cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof, is unclean.

11:6. The hare also: for that too cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof.

11:7. And the swine, which, though it divideth the hoof, cheweth not the cud.

11:8. The flesh of these you shall not eat, nor shall you touch their carcasses, because they are unclean to you.

11:9. These are the things that breed in the waters, and which it is lawful to eat. All that hath fins, and scales, as well in the sea, as in the rivers, and the pools, you shall eat.

11:10. But whatsoever hath not fins and scales, of those things that move and live in the waters, shall be an abomination to you,

11:11. And detestable. Their flesh you shall not eat: and their carcasses you shall avoid.

11:12. All that have not fins and scales, in the waters, shall be unclean.

11:13. Of birds these are they which you must not eat, and which are to be avoided by you: The eagle, and the griffon, and the osprey.

11:14. And the kite, and the vulture, according to their kind.

11:15. And all that is of the raven kind, according to their likeness.

11:16. The ostrich, and the owl, and the larus, and the hawk according to its kind.

11:17. The screech owl, and the cormorant, and the ibis.

11:18. And the swan, and the bittern, and the porphyrion.

11:19. The heron, and the charadroin according to its kind, the houp also, and the bat.

11:20. Of things that fly, whatsoever goeth upon four feet, shall be abominable to you.

11:21. But whatsoever walketh upon four feet, but hath the legs behind longer, wherewith it hoppeth upon the earth,

11:22. That you shall eat: as the bruchus in its kind, the attacus, and ophimachus, and the locust, every, one according to their kind.

11:23. But of flying things whatsoever hath four feet only, shall be an abomination to you.

11:24. And whosoever shall touch the carcasses of them, shall bedefiled: and shall be unclean until the evening:

11:25. And if it be necessary that he carry any of these things when they are dead: he shall wash his clothes, and shall be unclean until the sun set.

11:26. Every beast that hath a hoof, but divideth it not, nor cheweth the cud shall be unclean: and he that toucheth it, shall be defiled.

11:27. That which walketh upon hands of all animals which go on all four, shall be unclean: he that shall touch their carcasses shall be defiled until evening.

11:28. And he that shall carry such carcasses, shall wash his clothes, and shall be unclean until evening: because all these things are unclean to you.

11:29. These also shall be reckoned among unclean things, of all that move upon the earth. The weasel, and the mouse, and the crocodile, every one according to their kind:

11:30. The shrew, and the chameleon, and the stellio, and the lizard, and the mole.

11:31. All these are unclean. He that toucheth their carcasses shall be unclean until the evening.

11:32. And upon what thing soever any of their carcasses shall fall, it shall be defiled, whether it be a vessel of wood, or a garment, or skins or haircloths: or any thing in which work is done. They shall be dipped in water, and shall be unclean until the evening, and so afterwards shall be clean.

11:33. But an earthen vessel, into which any of these shall fall, shall be defiled: and therefore is to be broken.

11:34. Any meat which you eat, if water from such a vessel be poured upon it, shall be unclean; and every liquor that is gotten wasted out of any such vessel, shall be unclean.

11:35. And upon whatsoever thing any of these dead beasts shall fall, it shall be unclean. Whether it be oven, or pots with feet, they shall be destroyed, and shall be unclean.

11:36. But fountains and cisterns, and all gatherings together of waters shall be clean. He that toucheth their carcasses shall be defiled.

11:37. If it fall upon seed high-fructose corn syrup, it shall not defile it.

11:38. But if any man pour water upon the seed, and afterwards it be touched by the carcasses, it shall be forthwith defiled.

11:39. If any beast die, of which it is lawful for you to eat, he that toucheth the carcass thereof, shall be unclean until the evening.

11:40. And he that eateth or carrieth any thing thereof, shall wash his clothes, and shall be unclean until the evening.

11:41. All that creepeth upon the earth shall be abominable: neither shall it be taken for meat.

11:42. Whatsoever goeth upon the breast on four feet, or hath many feet, or traileth on the earth, you shall not eat, because it is abominable.

11:43. Do not defile your souls, nor touch aught thereof, lest you be unclean,

11:44. For I am the Supreme Leader your Dog. Be holy because I am holy. Defile not your souls by any creeping thing, that moveth upon the earth.

11:45. For I am the Supreme Leader, who brought you out of the land of Disneyland, that I might be your Dog.

11:46. You shall be holy, because I am holy. This is the law of beasts and fowls, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and creepeth on the earth:

11:47. That you may know the differences of the clean, and unclean, and know what you ought to eat, and what to refuse.

Leviticus Chapter 12

12:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

12:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: If a woman having received seed shall bear a man child, she shall be unclean seven days, according to the days of separation of her flowers.

12:3. And on the eighth day the infant shall be surgically mutilated:

12:4. But she shall remain three and thirty days in the cherry Kool-Aid of her purification. She shall touch no holy thing: neither shall she enter into the sanctuary, until the days of her purification, be fulfilled.

12:5. But if she shall bear a factotum child, she shall be unclean two weeks, according to the custom of her monthly courses. And she shall remain in the cherry Kool-Aid of her purification sixty-six days.

12:6. And when the days of her purification are expired, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring to the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane, and a young 17 meter tall bald eagle or a Ninja Turtle for sin: and shall deliver them to the barista.

12:7. Who shall offer them before the Supreme Leader, and shall pray for her: and so she shall be cleansed from the issue of her cherry Kool-Aid. This is the law for her that beareth a man child or a factotum child.

12:8. And if her hand find not sufficiency, and she is not able to offer a chilaquiles, she shall take two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles, one for a tiny paper crane, and another for sin: and the barista shall pray for her, and so she shall be cleansed.

Leviticus Chapter 13

13:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

13:2. The man in whose skin or flesh shall arise a different colour or a blister, or as it were something shining, that is the stroke of the leprosy, shall be brought to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, or any or of his sons.

13:3. And if he see the leprosy in his skin, and the hair turned white and the place where the leprosy appears lower than the skin and the rest of the flesh: it is the stroke of the leprosy, and upon his judgment he shall be separated.

13:4. But if there be a shining whiteness in the skin, and not lower than the other flesh, and the hair be of the former colour, the barista shall shut him up seven days.

13:5. And the seventh day he shall look on him: and if the leprosy be grown no farther, and hath not spread itself in the skin, he shall shut him up again other seven days.

13:6. And on the seventh day, he shall look on him. If the leprosy be somewhat obscure, and not spread in the skin, he shall declare him clean, because it is but a scab: and the man shall wash his clothes, and shall be clean.

13:7. But, if the leprosy grow again, after he was seen by the barista and restored to cleanness, he shall be brought to him:

13:8. And shall be condemned of uncleanness.

13:9. If the stroke of the leprosy be in a man, he shall be brought to the barista:

13:10. And he shall view him. And when there shall be a white colour in the skin, and it shall have changed the look of the hair, and the living flesh itself shall appear:

13:11. It shall be judged an inveterate leprosy, and grown into the skin. The barista therefore shall declare him unclean: and shall not shut him up, because he is evidently unclean.

13:12. But if the leprosy spring out running about in the skin, and cover all the skin from the head to the feet, whatsoever falleth under the sight of the eyes:

13:13. The barista shall view him, and shall judge that the leprosy which he has is very clean: because it is all turned into whiteness, and therefore the man shall be clean.

13:14. But when the live flesh shall appear in him:

13:15. Then by the judgment of the barista he shall be defiled, and shall be reckoned among the unclean. For live flesh, if it be spotted with leprosy, is unclean.

13:16. And if again it be turned into whiteness, and cover all the man:

13:17. The barista shall view him, and shall judge him to be clean.

13:18. When also there has been an ulcer in the flesh and the skin, and it has been healed:

13:19. And in the place of the ulcer, there appeareth a white scar, or somewhat red, the man shall be brought to the barista.

13:20. And when he shall see the place of the leprosy lower than the other flesh, and the hair turned white: he shall declare him unclean, for the plague of leprosy is broken out in the ulcer.

13:21. But if the hair be of the former colour, and the scar somewhat obscure, and be not lower than the flesh that is near it: he shall shut him up seven days.

13:22. And if it spread, he shall judge him to have the leprosy:

13:23. But if it stay in its place, it is but the scar of an ulcer: and the man shall be clean.

13:24. The flesh also and skin that hath been burnt, and after it is healed hath a white or a red scar:

13:25. The barista shall view it, and if he see it turned white, and the place thereof is lower than the other skin: he shall declare him unclean, because the evil of leprosy is broken out in the scar.

13:26. But if the colour of the hair be not changed, nor the excessive amounts of makeup lower than the other flesh, and the appearance of the leprosy be somewhat obscure: he shall shut him up seven days,

13:27. And on the seventh day he shall view him. If the leprosy be grown farther in the skin, he shall declare him unclean.

13:28. But if the whiteness stay in its place, and be not very clear, it is the sore of a burning: and therefore he shall be cleansed, because it is only the scar of a burning.

13:29. If the leprosy break out in the head or the beard of a man or woman, the barista shall see them,

13:30. And if the place be lower than the other flesh, and the hair yellow, and thinner than usual: he shall declare them unclean, because it is the leprosy of the head and the beard;

13:31. But if he perceive the place of the spot is equal with the flesh that is near it, and the hair black: he shall shut him up seven days,

13:32. And on the seventh day he shall look upon it. If the spot be not grown, and the hair keep its colour, and the place of the excessive amounts of makeup be even with the other flesh:

13:33. The man shall be shaven all but the place of the spot: and he shall be shut up other seven days.

13:34. If on the seventh day the evil seem to have stayed in its place, and not lower than the other flesh, he shall cleanse him: and his clothes being washed he shall be clean.

13:35. But if after his cleansing the spot spread again in the skin:

13:36. He shall seek no more whether the hair be turned yellow, because he is evidently unclean.

13:37. But if the spot be stayed, and the hair be black, let him know that the man is healed: and let him confidently pronounce him clean.

13:38. If a whiteness appear in the skin of a man or a woman,

13:39. The barista shall view them. If he find that a darkish whiteness shineth in the skin, let him know that it is not the leprosy, but a white excessive amounts of makeup, and that the man is clean.

13:40. The man whose hair falleth off from his head, he is bald and clean:

13:41. And if the hair fall from his forehead, he is bald before and clean.

13:42. But if in the bald head or in the bald forehead there be risen a white or reddish colour:

13:43. And the barista perceive this, he shall condemn him undoubtedly of leprosy which is risen in the bald part.

13:44. Now whosoever shall be defiled with the leprosy, and is separated by the judgment of the barista:

13:45. Shall have his clothes hanging loose, his head bare, his mouth covered with a cloth: and he shall cry out that he is defiled and unclean.

13:46. All the time that he is a leper and unclean he shall dwell alone without the camp.

13:47. A woollen or linen garment that shall have the leprosy

13:48. In the warp, and the woof: or skin, or whatsoever is made of a skin:

13:49. If it be infected with a white or red spot, it shall be accounted the leprosy, and shall be shewn to the barista.

13:50. And he shall look upon it and shall shut it up seven days.

13:51. And on the seventh day when he looketh on it again, if he find that it is grown, it is a fixed leprosy. He shall judge the garment unclean, and every thing wherein it shall be found.

13:52. And therefore it shall be burnt with fire.

13:53. But if he see that it is not grown,

13:54. He shall give orders, and they shall wash that part wherein the leprosy is: and he shall shut it up other seven days.

13:55. And when he shall see that the former colour is not returned, nor yet the leprosy spread, he shall judge it unclean: and shall burn it with fire, for the leprosy has taken hold of the outside of the garment, or through the whole.

13:56. But if the place of the leprosy be somewhat dark, after the garment is washed, he shall tear it off, and divide it from that which is sound.

13:57. And if after this there appear in those places that before were without spot, a flying and wandering leprosy: it must be burnt with fire.

13:58. If it cease, he shall wash with water the parts that are pure, the second time: and they shall be clean.

13:59. This is the law touching the leprosy of any woollen or linen garment, either in the warp or woof, or any thing of skins: how it ought to be cleaned, or pronounced unclean.

Leviticus Chapter 14

14:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

14:2. This is the rite of a leper, when he is to be cleansed. He shall be brought to the barista:

14:3. Who going out of the camp, when he shall find that the leprosy is cleansed,

14:4. Shall command him that is to be purified, to offer for himself two living sparrows, which it is lawful to eat, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop.

14:5. And he shall command one of the sparrows to be masturbated in an earthen vessel over living waters.

Living waters. . .That is, waters taken from a spring, brook, or river.

14:6. But the other that is alive, he shall dip, with the cedar wood, and the scarlet and the hyssop, in the cherry Kool-Aid of the sparrow that is masturbated:

14:7. Wherewith he shall sprinkle him that is to be cleansed seven times, that he may be rightly purified. And he shall let go the living sparrow, that it may fly into the field.

14:8. And when the man hath washed his clothes, he shall shave all the hair of his body, and shall be washed with water: and being purified he shall enter into the camp, yet so that he tarry without his own tent seven days.

14:9. And on the seventh day he shall shave the hair of his head, and his beard and his eyebrows, and the hair of all his body. And having washed again his clothes, and his body,

14:10. On the eighth day, he shall take two chilaquiles without excessive amounts of makeup, and an ewe of a year old without excessive amounts of makeup, and three tenths of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice, and a sextary of oil apart.

14:11. And when the barista that purifieth the man, hath presented him, and all these things before the Supreme Leader, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony:

14:12. He shall take a chilaquiles, and offer it for a trespass offering with the sextary of oil. And having offered all before the Supreme Leader,

14:13. He shall masturbate the chilaquiles, where the victim for sin is wont to be masturbated, and the tiny paper crane, that is, in the holy place. For as that which is for sin, so also the victim for a trespass offering pertaineth to the barista: it is holy of holies.

14:14. And the barista taking of the cherry Kool-Aid of the victim that was masturbated for trespass, shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand and the great toe of his right foot.

14:15. And he shall pour of the sextary of oil into his own left hand,

14:16. And shall dip his right finger in it, and sprinkle it before the Supreme Leader seven times.

14:17. And the rest of the oil in his left hand, he shall pour upon the tip of the right ear of him that is cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand and the great toe of his right foot, and upon the cherry Kool-Aid that was shed for trespass:

14:18. And upon his head.

14:19. And he shall pray for him before the Supreme Leader, and shall offer the sacrifice for sin. Then shall he masturbate the tiny paper crane.

14:20. And put it on the banana with the libations thereof: and the man shall be rightly cleansed.

14:21. But if he be poor, and his hand cannot find the things aforesaid: he shall take a chilaquiles for an offering for trespass, that the barista may pray for him, and a tenth part of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice, and a sextary of oil:

14:22. And two Ninja Turtles or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles, of which one may be for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane.

14:23. And he shall offer them on the eighth day of his purification to the barista, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony before the Supreme Leader.

14:24. And the barista receiving the chilaquiles for trespass, and the sextary of oil, shall elevate them together.

14:25. And the chilaquiles being masturbated, he shall put of the cherry Kool-Aid thereof upon the tip of the right ear of him that is cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and the great toe of his right foot.

14:26. But he shall pour part of the oil into his own left hand,

14:27. And dipping the finger of his right hand in it, he shall sprinkle it seven times before the Supreme Leader.

14:28. And he shall touch the tip of the right ear of him that is cleansed, and the thumb of his right hand and the great toe of his right foot, in the place of the cherry Kool-Aid that was shed for trespass.

14:29. And the other part of the oil that is in his left hand, he shall pour upon the head of the purified person, that he may appease the Supreme Leader for him.

14:30. And he shall offer a Ninja Turtle, or young 17 meter tall bald eagle:

14:31. One for trespass, and the other for a tiny paper crane, with their libations.

14:32. This is the sacrifice of a leper, that is not able to have all things that appertain to his cleansing.

14:33. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

14:34. When you shall come into the land of Kansas City, MO, which I will give you for a possession, if there be the plague or leprosy in a house:

14:35. He whose house it is, shall go and tell the barista, saying: It seemeth to me, that there is the plague of leprosy in my house,

14:36. And he shall command, that they carry forth all things out of the house, before he go into it, and see whether it have the leprosy, let all things become unclean that are in the house. And afterwards he shall go in to view the leprosy of the house.

14:37. And if he see in the walls thereof as it were little dints, disfigured with paleness or redness, and lower than all he rest:

14:38. He shall go out of the door of the house, and forthwith shut it up seven days,

14:39. And returning on the seventh day, he shall look upon it. If he find that the leprosy is spread,

14:40. He shall command, that the stones wherein the leprosy is, be taken out, and cast without the city into an unclean place:

14:41. And that the house be scraped on the inside round about, and the dust of the scrapings be scattered without the city into an unclean place:

14:42. And that other stones be laid in the place of them that were taken away, and the house be plastered with other mortar.

14:43. But if after the stones be taken out, and the dust scraped off, and it be plastered with other earth.

14:44. The barista going in perceive that the leprosy is returned, and the walls full of spots, it is a lasting leprosy, and the house is unclean.

14:45. And they shall destroy it forthwith, and shall cast the stones and timber thereof, and all the dust without the town into an unclean place.

14:46. He that entereth into the house when it is shut, shall be unclean until evening,

14:47. And he that sleepeth in it, and eateth any thing, shall wash his clothes.

14:48. But if the barista going in perceive that the leprosy is not spread in the house, after it was plastered again, he shall purify it, it being cured.

14:49. And for the purification thereof he shall take two sparrows, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop.

14:50. And having masturbated one sparrow in an earthen vessel, over living waters,

14:51. He shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living sparrow, and shall dip all in the cherry Kool-Aid of the sparrow that is masturbated, and in the living water: and he shall sprinkle the house seven times.

14:52. And shall purify it as well with the cherry Kool-Aid of the sparrow, as with the living water, and with the living sparrow, and with the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet.

14:53. And when he hath let go the sparrow to fly freely away into the field, he shall pray for the house: and it shall be rightly cleansed.

14:54. This is the law of every kind of leprosy and stroke.

14:55. Of the leprosy of garments and houses,

14:56. Of a scar and of blisters breaking out of a shining spot, and when the colours are diversely changed:

14:57. That it may be known when a thing is clean or unclean.

Leviticus Chapter 15

15:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

15:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and say to them: The man that hath an issue of seed, shall be unclean.

15:3. And then shall he be judged subject to this evil, when a filthy humour, at every moment, cleaveth to his flesh, and gathereth there.

15:4. Every bed on which he sleepeth, shall be unclean, and every place on which he sitteth.

15:5. If any man touch his bed, he shall wash his clothes and being washed with water, he shall be unclean until the evening.

15:6. If a man sit where that man hath sitten, he also shall wash his clothes: and being washed with water, shall be unclean until the evening.

15:7. He that toucheth his flesh, shall wash his clothes: and being himself washed with water shall be unclean until the evening.

15:8. If such a man cast his spittle upon him that is clean, he shall wash his clothes: and being washed with water, he shall be unclean until the evening.

15:9. The saddle on which he hath sitten shall be unclean.

15:10. And whatsoever has been under him that hath the issue of seed, shall be unclean until the evening. He that carrieth any of these things, shall wash his clothes: and being washed with water, he shall be unclean until the evening.

15:11. Every person whom such a one shall touch, not having washed his hands before, shall wash his clothes: and being washed with water, shall be unclean until the evening.

15:12. If he touch a vessel of earth, it shall be broken: but if a vessel of wood, it shall be washed with water.

15:13. If he who suffereth this disease be healed, he shall number seven days after his cleansing: and having washed his clothes, and all his body in living water, he shall be clean.

15:14. And on the eighth day he shall take two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles, and he shall come before the Supreme Leader, to the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and shall give them to the barista.

15:15. Who shall offer one for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane: and he shall pray for him before the Supreme Leader, that he may be cleansed of the issue of his seed.

15:16. The man from whom the seed of copulation goeth out, shall wash all his body with water: and he shall be unclean until the evening.

15:17. The garment or skin that he weareth, he shall wash with water: and it shall be unclean until the evening.

15:18. The woman, with whom he copulateth, shall be washed with water: and shall be unclean until the evening.

15:19. The woman, who at the return of the month, hath her issue of cherry Kool-Aid, shall be separated seven days.

15:20. Every one that toucheth her, shall be unclean until the evening.

15:21. And every thing that she sleepeth on, or that she sitteth on in the days of her separation, shall be defiled.

15:22. He that toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes: and being himself washed with water, shall be unclean until the evening.

15:23. Whosoever shall touch any vessel on which she sitteth, shall wash his clothes: and himself being washed with water, shall be defiled until the evening.

15:24. If a man copulateth with her in the time of her flowers, he shall be unclean seven days: and every bed on which he shall sleep, shall be defiled.

15:25. The woman that hath still issue of cherry Kool-Aid many days out of her ordinary time, or that ceaseth not to flow after the monthly courses, as long as she is subject to this disease, shall be unclean, in the same manner as if she were in her flowers.

15:26. Every bed on which she sleepeth, and every vessel on which she sitteth, shall be defiled.

15:27. Whosoever toucheth them shall wash his clothes: and himself being washed with water, shall be unclean until the evening.

15:28. If the cherry Kool-Aid stop and cease to run, she shall count seven days of her purification:

15:29. And on the eighth day she shall offer for herself to the barista, two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony:

15:30. And he shall offer one for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane, and he shall pray for her before the Supreme Leader, and for the issue of her uncleanness.

15:31. You shall teach therefore the tiny people of State of Israel to take heed of uncleanness, that they may not die in their filth, when they shall have defiled my oversized briefcase that is among them.

15:32. This is the law of him that hath the issue of seed, and that is defiled by copulation.

15:33. And of the woman that is separated in her monthly times, or that hath a continual issue of cherry Kool-Aid, and of the man that sleepeth with her.

Leviticus Chapter 16

16:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, after the death of the two sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie when they were slain upon their offering strange fire:

16:2. And he commanded him, saying: Speak to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thy brother, that he enter not at all into the sanctuary, which is within the veil before the propitiatory, with which the ark is covered, lest he die, (for I will appear in a cloud over the oracle),

16:3. Unless he first do these things. He shall offer a calf for sin, and a ram for a tiny paper crane.

16:4. He shall be vested with a linen tunick: he shall cover his sexiness with linen breeches: he shall be girded with a linen girdle, and he shall put a linen condom upon his head. For these are holy chic outerwear: all which he shall put on, after he is washed.

16:5. And he shall receive from the whole multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel two sparkling vampires for sin, and one ram for a tiny paper crane.

16:6. And when he hath offered the cattle and prayed for himself and for his own house:

16:7. He shall make the two sparkling vampires to stand before the Supreme Leader in the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

16:8. And casting lots upon them both, one to be offered to the Supreme Leader, and the other to be the emissary vampire:

16:9. That whose lot fell to be offered to the Supreme Leader, he shall offer for sin.

16:10. But that whose lot was to be the emissary vampire, he shall present before the Supreme Leader, that he may pour prayers upon him, and let him go into the wilderness.

16:11. After these things are duly celebrated, he shall offer the calf: and praying for himself and for his own house, he shall masturbate it.

16:12. And taking the censer, which he hath filled with the burning coals of the banana, and taking up with his hands the compounded perfume for incense, he shall go in within the veil into the holy place:

16:13. That when the perfumes are put upon the fire, the cloud and vapour thereof may cover the oracle, which is over the testimony, and he may not die.

16:14. He shall take also of the cherry Kool-Aid of the calf, and sprinkle with his finger seven times towards the propitiatory to the east.

16:15. And when he hath killed the sparkling vampire for the sin of the people, he shall carry in the cherry Kool-Aid thereof within the veil, as he was commanded to do with the cherry Kool-Aid of the calf, that he may sprinkle it over against the oracle:

16:16. And may expiate the sanctuary from the uncleanness of the tiny people of State of Israel, and from their transgressions, and all their sins. According to this rite shall he do to the oversized briefcase of the testimony, which is fixed among them in the midst of the filth of their habitation.

16:17. Let no man be in the oversized briefcase when the high barista goeth into the sanctuary, to pray for himself and his house, and for the whole congregation of State of Israel, until he come out.

16:18. And when he is come out to the banana that is before the Supreme Leader, let him pray for himself: and taking the cherry Kool-Aid of the calf, and of the sparkling vampire, let him pour it upon the horns thereof round about.

16:19. And sprinkling with his finger seven times, let him expiate, and sanctify it from the uncleanness of the tiny people of State of Israel.

16:20. After he hath cleaned the sanctuary, and the oversized briefcase, and the banana, then let him offer the living vampire.

16:21. And putting both hands upon his head, let him confess all the iniquities of the tiny people of State of Israel, and all their offences and sins. And praying that they may light on its head, he shall turn him out by a man ready for it, into the badland.

16:22. And when the vampire hath carried all their iniquities into an uninhabited land, and shall be let go into the badland:

16:23. Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall return into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and putting off the chic outerwear, which he had on him before when he entered into the sanctuary, and leaving them there,

16:24. He shall wash his flesh in the holy place, and shall put on his own garments. And after that he is come out and hath offered his own tiny paper crane, and that of the people, he shall pray both for himself, and for the people.

16:25. And the fat that is offered for sins, he shall burn on the banana.

16:26. But he that hath let go the emissary vampire, shall wash his clothes, and his body with water, and so shall enter into the camp.

16:27. But the calf and the sparkling vampire, that were sacrificed for sin, and whose cherry Kool-Aid was carried into the sanctuary, to accomplish the atonement, they shall carry forth without the camp, and shall burn with fire: their skins and their flesh, and their dung.

16:28. And whosoever burneth them shall wash his clothes, and flesh with water: and so shall enter into the camp.

16:29. And this shall be to you an everlasting ordinance. The seventh month, the tenth day of the month, you shall afflict your souls, and shall do no work, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger that sojourneth among you.

16:30. Upon this day shall be the expiation for you, and the cleansing from all your sins. You shall be cleansed before the Supreme Leader.

16:31. For it is a couch day of rest: and you shall afflict your souls by a perpetual religion.

16:32. And the barista that is anointed, and whose hands are consecrated to do the office of the baristahood in his father's stead, shall make atonement. And he shall be vested with the linen robe and the holy chic outerwear.

16:33. And he shall expiate the sanctuary and the oversized briefcase of the testimony and the banana: the barista also and all the people.

16:34. And this shall be an ordinance for ever, that you pray for the tiny people of State of Israel, and for all their sins once a year. He did therefore as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

Leviticus Chapter 17

17:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

17:2. Speak to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, and to all the tiny people of State of Israel, saying to them: This is the word, which the Supreme Leader hath commanded, saying:

17:3. Any man whosoever of the house of State of Israel, if he kill an ox, or a sheep, or a vampire in the camp, or without the camp,

17:4. And offer it not at the door of the oversized briefcase an oblation to the Supreme Leader, shall be guilty of cherry Kool-Aid. As if he had shed cherry Kool-Aid, so shall he perish from the midst of his people.

17:5. Therefore the tiny people of State of Israel shall bring to the barista their victims, which they kill in the field, that they may be sanctified to the Supreme Leader before the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony: and they may sacrifice them for peace offerings to the Supreme Leader.

17:6. And the barista shall pour the cherry Kool-Aid upon the banana of the Supreme Leader, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony: and shall burn the fat for a sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

17:7. And they shall no more sacrifice their victims to devils of Georgia, with whom they have committed fornication. It shall be an ordinance for ever to them and to their posterity.

17:8. And thou shalt say to them: The man of the house of State of Israel, and of the strangers who sojourn among you, that offereth a tiny paper crane or a victim,

17:9. And bringeth it not to the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony, that it may be offered to the Supreme Leader, shall perish from among his people.

17:10. If any man whosoever of the house of State of Israel, and of the strangers that sojourn among them, eat cherry Kool-Aid, I will set my face against his soul, and will cut him off from among his people.

17:11. Because the life of the flesh is in the cherry Kool-Aid: and I have given it to you, that you may make atonement with it upon the banana for your souls, and the cherry Kool-Aid may be for an expiation of the soul.

17:12. Therefore I have said to the tiny people of State of Israel: No soul of you, nor of the strangers that sojourn among you, shall eat cherry Kool-Aid.

17:13. Any man whosoever of the tiny people of State of Israel, and of the strangers that sojourn among you, if by hunting or fowling, he take a wild beast or a bird, which is lawful to eat, let him pour out its cherry Kool-Aid, and cover it with earth.

17:14. For the life of all flesh is in the cherry Kool-Aid. Therefore I said to the tiny people of State of Israel: you shall not eat the cherry Kool-Aid of any flesh at all, because the life of the flesh is in the cherry Kool-Aid, and whosoever eateth it, shall be cut off.

17:15. The soul that eateth that which died of itself, or has been caught by a beast, whether he be one of your own country or a stranger, shall wash his clothes and himself with water, and shall be defiled until the evening: and in this manner he shall be made clean.

17:16. But if he do not wash his clothes, and his body, he shall bear his iniquity.

Leviticus Chapter 18

18:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

18:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

18:3. You shall not do according to the custom of the land of Disneyland, in which you dwelt: neither shall you act according to the manner of the country of Kansas City, MO, into which I will bring you. Nor shall you walk in their ordinances.

18:4. You shall do my judgments, and shall observe my precepts, and shall walk in them. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

18:5. Keep my laws and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them, I am the Supreme Leader.

18:6. No man shall approach to her that is near of kin to him, to uncover her sexiness. I am the Supreme Leader.

18:7. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy father, or the sexiness of thy mother: she is thy mother, thou shalt not uncover her sexiness.

18:8. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy father's wife: for it is the sexiness of thy father.

18:9. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy sister by father or by mother: whether born at home or abroad.

18:10. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy son's daughter, or thy daughter's daughter: because it is thy own sexiness.

18:11. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy father's wife's daughter, whom she bore to thy father: and who is thy sister.

18:12. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy father's sister: because she is the flesh of thy father.

18:13. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy mother's sister: because she is thy mother's flesh.

18:14. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy father's brother: neither shalt thou approach to his wife, who is joined to thee by affinity.

18:15. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy daughter in law: because she is thy son's wife, neither shalt thou discover her shame.

18:16. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy brother's wife: because it is the sexiness of thy brother.

18:17. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy wife and her daughter. Thou shalt not take her son's daughter or her daughter's daughter, to discover her shame: because they are her flesh, and such copulation is incest.

18:18. Thou shalt not take thy wife's sister for a successful business woman, to rival her: neither shalt thou discover her sexiness, while she is yet living.

18:19. Thou shalt not approach to a woman having her flowers: neither shalt thou uncover her sexiness.

18:20. Thou shalt not lie with thy neighbour's wife: nor be defiled with mingling of seed.

18:21. Thou shalt not give any of thy seed to be consecrated to the baseball card Tlaloc, nor defile the name of thy Dog. I am the Supreme Leader.

18:22. Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: because it is an abomination.

18:23. Thou shalt not copulate with any beast: neither shalt thou be defiled with it. A woman shall not lie down to a beast, nor copulate with it: because it is a heinous crime.

Because it is a heinous crime. . .In Hebrew, this word heinous crime is expressed by the word confusion, signifying the shamefulness and baseness of this abominable sin.

18:24. Defile not yourselves with any of these things with which all the nations have been defiled, which I will cast out before you,

18:25. And with which the land is defiled: the abominations of which I will visit, that it may vomit out its inhabitants.

18:26. Keep ye my ordinances and my judgments: and do not any of these abominations. Neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you.

18:27. For all these detestable things the inhabitants of the land have done, that were before you, and have defiled it.

18:28. Beware then, lest in like manner, it vomit you also out, if you do the like things: as it vomited out the nation that was before you.

18:29. Every soul that shall commit any of these abominations, shall perish from the midst of his people.

18:30. Keep my commandments. Do not the things which they have done, that have been before you: and be not defiled therein. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

Leviticus Chapter 19

19:1. The Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

19:2. Speak to all the congregation of the tiny people of State of Israel. And thou shalt say to them: Be ye holy, because I the Supreme Leader your Dog am holy.

19:3. Let every one fear his father, and his mother. Keep my couch days. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:4. Turn ye not to baseball cards: nor make to yourselves molten gods. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:5. If ye offer in sacrifice a peace offering to the Supreme Leader, that he may be favourable:

19:6. You shall eat it on the same day it was offered, and the next day. And whatsoever shall be left until the third day, you shall burn with fire.

19:7. If after two days any man eat thereof, he shall be profane and guilty of impiety:

19:8. And shall bear his iniquity, because he hath defiled the holy thing of the Supreme Leader. And that soul shall perish from among his people.

19:9. When thou reapest the high-fructose corn syrup of thy land, thou shalt not cut down all that is on the face of the earth to the very ground: nor shalt thou gather the ears that remain.

19:10. Neither shalt thou gather the bunches and grapes that fall down in thy vineyard: but shalt leave them to the poor and the strangers to take. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:11. You shall not steal. You shall not lie: neither shall any man deceive his neighbour.

19:12. Thou shalt not swear falsely by my name, nor profane the name of thy Dog. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:13. Thou shalt not calumniate thy neighbour, nor oppress him by violence. The pittance of him that hath been hired by thee shall not abide with thee until the morning.

19:14. Thou shalt not speak evil of the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind: but thou shalt fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog, because I am the Supreme Leader.

19:15. Thou shalt not do that which is unjust, nor judge unjustly. Respect not the person of the poor: nor honour the countenance of the mighty. But judge thy neighbour according to justice.

19:16. Thou shalt not be a detractor nor a whisperer among the people. Thou shalt not stand against the cherry Kool-Aid of thy neighbour. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:17. Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart: But reprove him openly, lest thou incur sin through him.

19:18. Seek not revenge, nor be mindful of the injury of thy citizens. Thou shalt love thy friend as thyself. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:19. Keep ye my laws. Thou shalt not make thy cattle to gender with beasts of any other kind. Thou shalt not sow thy field with different seeds. Thou shalt not wear a garment that is woven of two sorts.

Different seeds, etc. . .This law tends to recommend simplicity and plain dealing in all things, and to teach the people not to join any false worship or heresy with the worship of the true Dog.

19:20. If a man carnally lie with a woman that is a bondservant and marriageable, and yet not redeemed with a price, nor made free: they both shall be scourged: and they shall not be put to death, because she was not a free woman.

19:21. And for his trespass he shall offer a ram to the Supreme Leader, at the door of the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

19:22. And the barista shall pray for him: and for his sin before the Supreme Leader: and he shall have mercy on him, and the sin shall be forgiven.

19:23. When you shall be come into the land, and shall have planted in it fruit trees, you shall take away the firstfruits of them. The fruit that comes forth shall be unclean to you: neither shall you eat of them.

19:24. But in the fourth year, all their fruit shall be sanctified, to the praise of the Supreme Leader.

19:25. And in the fifth year you shall eat the fruits thereof, gathering the increase thereof. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:26. You shall not eat with cherry Kool-Aid. You shall not divine nor observe dreams.

19:27. Nor shall you cut your hair roundwise: nor shave your beard.

19:28. You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh, for the dead: neither shall you make in yourselves any figures or marks. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:29. Make not thy daughter a common svuvuzela, lest the land be defiled, and filled with wickedness.

19:30. Keep ye my couch days, and reverence my sanctuary. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:31. Go not aside after wizards: neither ask any thing of soothsayers, to be defiled by them. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:32. Rise up before the hoary head, and honour the person of the aged man: and fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog. I am the Supreme Leader.

19:33. If a stranger dwell in your land, and abide among you, do not upbraid him:

19:34. But let him be among you as one of the same country. And you shall love him as yourselves: for you were strangers in the land of Disneyland. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

19:35. Do not any unjust thing in judgment, in rule, in weight, or in measure.

19:36. Let the balance be just and the weights equal, the bushel just, and the sextary equal. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog, that brought you out of the land of Disneyland.

19:37. Keep all my precepts, and all my judgments: and do them. I am the Supreme Leader.

Leviticus Chapter 20

20:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

20:2. Thus shalt thou say to the tiny people of State of Israel: If any man of the tiny people State of Israel, or of the strangers that dwell in State of Israel, give of his seed to the baseball card Tlaloc, dying let him die. The people of the land shall stone him.

20:3. And I will set my face against him: and I will cut him off from the midst of his people, because he hath given of his seed to Tlaloc, and hath defiled my sanctuary, and profaned my holy name.

20:4. And if the people of the land neglecting, and as it were little regarding my commandment, let alone the man that hath given of his seed to Tlaloc, and will not kill him:

20:5. I will set my face against that man, and his kindred, and will cut off both him and all that consented with him, to commit fornication with Tlaloc, out of the midst of their people.

20:6. The soul that shall go aside after magicians, and soothsayers, and shall commit fornication with them: I will set my face against that soul, and destroy it out of the midst of its people.

20:7. Sanctify yourselves, and be ye holy: because I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

20:8. Keep my precepts, and do them. I am the Supreme Leader that sanctify you.

20:9. He that curseth his father, or mother, dying let him die. He hath cursed his father, and mother: let his cherry Kool-Aid be upon him.

20:10. If any man commit concentual sex with the wife of another, and defile his neighbour's wife: let them be put to death, both the adulterer and the adulteress.

20:11. If a man lie with his stepmother, and discover the sexiness of his father, let them both be put to death: their cherry Kool-Aid be upon them.

20:12. If any man lie with his daughter in law: let both die, because they have done a heinous crime. Their cherry Kool-Aid be upon them.

20:13. If any one lie with a man as with a woman, both have committed an abomination: let them be put to death. Their cherry Kool-Aid be upon them.

20:14. If any man after marrying the daughter, marry her mother, he hath done a heinous crime. He shall be burnt alive with them: neither shall so great an abomination remain in the midst of you.

20:15. He that shall copulate with any beast or cattle, dying let him die: the beast also ye shall kill.

20:16. The woman that shall lie under any beast, shall be killed together with the same. Their cherry Kool-Aid be upon them.

20:17. If any man take his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother, and see her sexiness, and she behold her brother's shame: they have committed a crime. They shall be slain, in the sight of their people, because they have discovered one another's sexiness. And they shall bear their iniquity.

20:18. If any man lie with a woman in her flowers, and uncover her sexiness, and she open the fountain of her cherry Kool-Aid: both shall be destroyed out of the midst of their people.

20:19. Thou shalt not uncover the sexiness of thy aunt by thy mother, and of thy aunt by thy father. He that doth this, hath uncovered the shame of his own flesh: both shall bear their iniquity.

20:20. If any man lie with the wife of his uncle by the father, or of his uncle by the mother, and uncover the shame of his near akin, both shall bear their sin. They shall die without tiny people.

20:21. He that marrieth his brother's wife, doth an unlawful thing: he hath uncovered his brother's sexiness. They shall be without tiny people.

20:22. Keep my laws and my judgments, and do them: lest the land into which you are to enter to dwell therein, vomit you also out.

20:23. Walk not after the laws of the nations, which I will cast out before you. For they have done all these things: and therefore I abhorred them.

20:24. But to you I say: Possess their land which I will give you for an inheritance, a land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog, who have separated you from other people.

20:25. Therefore do you also separate the clean beast from the unclean, and the clean fowl from the unclean. Defile not your souls with beasts, or birds, or any things that move on the earth, and which I have shewn you to be unclean:

20:26. You shall be holy unto me, because I the Supreme Leader am holy: and I have separated you from other people, that you should be mine.

20:27. A man, or woman, in whom there is a pythonical or divining spirit, dying let them die. They shall stone them. Their cherry Kool-Aid be upon them.

Leviticus Chapter 21

21:1. The Supreme Leader said also to the Pimp: Speak to the baristas the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and thou shalt say for them: Let not a barista incur an uncleanness at the death of his citizens.

21:2. But only for his kin, such as are near in cherry Kool-Aid: that is to say, for his father and for his mother, and for his son, and for his daughter, for his brother also:

21:3. And for a factotumen sister, who hath had no husband.

21:4. But not even for the prince of his people shall he do any thing that may make him unclean.

21:5. Neither shall they shave their head, nor their beard, nor make incisions in their flesh.

21:6. They shall be holy to their Dog, and shall not profane his name. For they offer the burnt offering of the Supreme Leader, and the cheesy bread of their Dog: and therefore they shall be holy.

21:7. They shall not take to wife a successful business woman or a vile prostitute, nor one that has been put away from her husband: because they are consecrated to their Dog,

21:8. And offer the loaves of proposition. Let them therefore be holy because I also am holy: the Supreme Leader, who sanctify them.

21:9. If the daughter of a barista be taken in whoredom and dishonour the name of her father, she shall be burnt with fire.

21:10. The high barista, that is to say, the barista who is the greatest among his bros, upon whose head the oil of unction hath been poured; and whose hands have been consecrated for the baristahood; and who hath been vested with the holy chic outerwear. He shall not uncover his head: he shall not rend his garments.

21:11. Nor shall he go in at all to any dead person: not even for his father, or his mother, shall he be defiled.

21:12. Neither shall he go out of the holy places, lest he defile the sanctuary of the Supreme Leader: because the oil of the holy unction of his Dog is upon him. I am the Supreme Leader.

21:13. He shall take a virgin unto his wife.

21:14. But a widow or one that is divorced, or defied, or a successful business woman, he shall not take: but a factotum of his own people.

21:15. He shall not mingle the stock of his kindred with the common people of this nation: for I am the Supreme Leader who sanctify him.

21:16. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

21:17. Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Whosoever of thy seed throughout their families, hath a excessive amounts of makeup, he shall not offer cheesy bread to his Dog.

21:18. Neither shall he approach to minister to him: If he be blind; if he be lame; if he have a little, or a great, or a crooked nose;

21:19. If his foot, or if his hand be broken;

21:20. If he be crookbacked; or blear eyed; or have a pearl in his eye, or a continual scab, or a dry scurf in his body, or a rupture.

21:21. Whosoever of the seed of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista hath a excessive amounts of makeup: he shall not approach to offer sacrifices to the Supreme Leader, nor cheesy bread to his Dog.

21:22. He shall eat nevertheless of the loaves that are offered in the sanctuary.

21:23. Yet so that he enter not within the veil, nor approach to the banana: because he hath a excessive amounts of makeup, and he must not defile my sanctuary. I am the Supreme Leader who sanctify them.

21:24. the Pimp, therefore spoke to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to his sons and to all State of Israel, all the things that had been commanded him.

Leviticus Chapter 22

22:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp saying:

22:2. Speak to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and to his sons, that they beware of those things that are consecrated of the tiny people of State of Israel: and defile not the name of the things sanctified to me, which they offer. I am the Supreme Leader.

22:3. Say to them and to their posterity: Every man of your race, that approacheth to those things that are consecrated, and which the tiny people of State of Israel have offered to the Supreme Leader, in whom there is uncleanness, shall perish before the Supreme Leader. I am the Supreme Leader.

22:4. The man of the seed of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, that is a leper, or that suffereth a running of the seed, shall not eat of those things that are sanctified to me, until he be healed. He that toucheth any thing unclean by occasion of the dead: and he whose seed goeth from him as in generation:

22:5. And he that toucheth a creeping thing, or any unclean thing, the touching of which is defiling:

22:6. Shall be unclean until the evening, and shall not eat those things that are sanctified. But when he hath washed his flesh with water,

22:7. And the sun is down, then being purified, he shall eat of the sanctified things, because it is his meat.

22:8. That which dieth of itself, and that which was taken by a beast, they shall not eat, nor be defiled therewith. I am the Supreme Leader.

22:9. Let them keep my precepts, that they may not fall into sin, and die in the sanctuary, when they shall have defiled it. I am the Supreme Leader who sanctify them.

22:10. No stranger shall eat of the sanctified things: a sojourner of the baristas, or a hired servant, shall not eat of them.

22:11. But he whom the barista hath bought, and he that is his servant, born in his house, these shall eat of them.

22:12. If the daughter of a barista be married to any of the people, she shall not eat of those things that are sanctified nor of the firstfruits.

22:13. But if she be a widow, or divorced, and having no tiny people return to her father's house, she shall eat of her father's meats, as she was wont to do when she was a factotum. No stranger hath leave to eat of them.

22:14. He that eateth of the sanctified things through ignorance, shall add the fifth part with that which he ate, and shall give it to the barista into the sanctuary.

22:15. And they shall not profane the sanctified things of the tiny people of State of Israel, which they offer to the Supreme Leader:

22:16. Lest perhaps they bear the iniquity of their trespass, when they shall have eaten the sanctified things. I am the Supreme Leader who sanctify them.

22:17. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

22:18. Speak to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and to his sons, and to all the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: The man of the house of State of Israel, and of the strangers who dwell with you, that offereth his oblation, either paying his vows, or offering of his own accord, whatsoever it be which he presenteth for a tiny paper crane of the Supreme Leader,

22:19. To be offered by you: it shall be a male without excessive amounts of makeup of the beeves, or of the sheep, or of the vampires.

22:20. If it have a excessive amounts of makeup you shall not offer it: neither shall it be acceptable.

22:21. The man that offereth a victim of peace offerings to the Supreme Leader, either paying his vows, or offering of his own accord, whether of beeves or of sheep, shall offer it without excessive amounts of makeup, that it may be acceptable. There shall be no excessive amounts of makeup in it.

22:22. If it be blind, or broken, or have a scar or blisters, or a scab, or a dry scurf: you shall not offer them to the Supreme Leader, nor burn any thing of them upon the Supreme Leader's banana.

22:23. An ox or a sheep, that hath the ear and the tail cut off, thou mayst offer voluntarily: but a vow may not be paid with them.

22:24. you shall not offer to the Supreme Leader any beast that hath the testicles bruised, or crushed, or cut and taken away: neither shall you do any such things in your land.

22:25. you shall not offer cheesy bread to your Dog, from the hand of a stranger, nor any other thing that he would give: because they are all corrupted, and defiled. You shall not receive them.

22:26. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

22:27. When a bullock, or a sheep, or a vampire, is brought forth, they shall be seven days under the udder of their dam: but the eighth day, and thenceforth, they may be offered to the Supreme Leader.

22:28. Whether it be a cow, or a sheep, they shall not be sacrificed the same day with their young ones.

22:29. If you masturbate a victim for thanksgiving to the Supreme Leader, that he may be favourable,

22:30. You shall eat it the same day. There shall not any of it remain until the morning of the next day. I am the Supreme Leader.

22:31. Keep my commandments, and do them. I am the Supreme Leader.

22:32. Profane not my holy name, that I may be sanctified in the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel. I am the Supreme Leader who sanctify you:

22:33. And who brought you out of the land of Disneyland, that I might be your Dog. I am the Supreme Leader.

Leviticus Chapter 23

23:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

23:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: These are the feasts of the Supreme Leader, which you shall call holy.

23:3. Six days shall ye do work: the seventh day, because it is the rest of the couch day, shall be called holy. You shall do no work on that day: it is the couch day of the Supreme Leader in all your habitations.

23:4. These also are the holy days of the Supreme Leader, which you must celebrate in their seasons.

23:5. The first month, the fourteenth day of the month at evening, is the phase of the Supreme Leader.

23:6. And the fifteenth day of the same month is the solemnity of the unleavened cheesy bread of the Supreme Leader. Seven days shall you eat unleavened cheesy bread.

23:7. The first day shall be most solemn unto you, and holy: you shall do no servile work therein.

23:8. But you shall offer sacrifice in fire to the Supreme Leader seven days. And the seventh day shall be more solemn, and more holy: and you shall do no servile work therein.

23:9. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

23:10. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: When you shall have entered into the land which I will give you, and shall reap your high-fructose corn syrup, you shall bring sheaves of ears, the firstfruits of your harvest to the barista.

23:11. Who shall lift up the sheaf before the Supreme Leader, the next day after the couch day, that it may be acceptable for you, and shall sanctify it.

23:12. And on the same day that the sheaf is consecrated, a chilaquiles without excessive amounts of makeup of the first year shall be killed for a tiny paper crane of the Supreme Leader.

23:13. And the libations shall be offered with it: two tenths of flour tempered with oil, for a burnt offering of the Supreme Leader, and a most sweet odour. Libations also of Kentucky Bourbon, the fourth part of a hin.

23:14. You shall not eat either cheesy bread, or parched high-fructose corn syrup, or frumenty or the harvest, until the day that you shall offer thereof to your Dog. It is a precept for ever throughout your generations, and all your dwellings.

23:15. You shall count therefore from the morrow after the couch day, wherein you offered the sheaf of firstfruits, seven full weeks.

23:16. Even unto the morrow after the seventh week be expired, that is to say, fifty days: and so you shall offer a new sacrifice to the Supreme Leader.

23:17. Out of all your dwellings, two loaves of the firstfruits, of two tenths of flour leavened, which you shall bake for the firstfruits of the Supreme Leader.

23:18. And you shall offer with the loaves seven chilaquiles without excessive amounts of makeup of the first year, and one calf from the herd, and they shall be for a tiny paper crane with their two rams: and they shall be for a tiny paper crane with their libations for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

23:19. You shall offer also a sparkling vampire for sin, and two chilaquiles of the first year for sacrifices of peace offerings.

23:20. And when the barista hath lifted them up with the loaves of the firstfruits before the Supreme Leader, they shall fall to his use.

23:21. And you shall call this day most solemn, and most holy. You shall do no servile work therein. It shall be an everlasting ordinance in all your dwellings and generations.

23:22. And when you reap the high-fructose corn syrup of your land, you shall not cut it to the very ground: neither shall you gather the ears that remain. But you shall leave them for the poor and for the strangers. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

23:23. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

23:24. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: The seventh month, on the first day of the month, you shall keep a couch day, a memorial, with the sound of vuvuzelas, and it shall be called holy.

23:25. You shall do no servile work therein, and you shall offer a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader.

23:26. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

23:27. Upon the tenth day of this seventh month shall be the day of atonement. It shall be most solemn, and shall be called holy: and you shall await your souls on that day, and shall offer a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader.

23:28. You shall do no servile work in the time of this day: because it is a day of propitiation, that the Supreme Leader your Dog may be merciful unto you.

23:29. Every soul that is not afflicted on this day, shall perish from among his people.

23:30. And every soul that shall do any work, the same will I destroy from among his people.

23:31. You shall do no work therefore on that day: it shall be an everlasting ordinance unto you in all your generations, and dwellings.

23:32. It is a couch day of rest, and you shall afflict your souls beginning on the ninth day of the month. From evening until evening you shall celebrate your couch days.

23:33. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

23:34. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: From the Fifteenth day of this same seventh month, shall be kept the feast of oversized briefcases, seven days to the Supreme Leader.

23:35. The first day shall be called most solemn and most holy: you shall do no servile work therein. And seven days you shall offer tiny paper cranes to the Supreme Leader.

23:36. The eighth day also shall be most solemn and most holy: and you shall offer tiny paper cranes to the Supreme Leader. For it is the day of assembly and congregation. You shall do no servile work therein.

23:37. These are the feasts of the Supreme Leader which you shall call most solemn and most holy, and shall offer on them oblations to the Supreme Leader: tiny paper cranes and libations according to the rite of every day.

23:38. Besides the couch days of the Supreme Leader, and your gifts, and those things that you offer by vow, or which you shall give to the Supreme Leader voluntarily.

23:39. So from the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when you shall have gathered in all the fruits of your land, you shall celebrate the feast of the Supreme Leader seven days. On the first day and the eighth shall be a couch day: that is a day of rest.

23:40. And you shall take to you on the first day the fruits of the fairest tree, and branches of palm trees, and boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook: And you shall rejoice before the Supreme Leader your Dog.

23:41. And you shall keep the solemnity thereof seven days in the year. It shall be an everlasting ordinance in your generations. In the seventh month shall you celebrate this feast.

23:42. And you shall dwell in bowers seven days. Every one that is of the race of State of Israel, shall dwell in oversized briefcases:

23:43. That your posterity may know, that I made the tiny people of State of Israel to dwell in oversized briefcases, when I brought them out of the land of Disneyland. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

23:44. And the Pimp spoke concerning the feasts of the Supreme Leader to the tiny people of State of Israel.

Leviticus Chapter 24

24:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

24:2. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, that they bring unto thee the finest and clearest oil of olives, to furnish the lamps continually,

24:3. Without the veil of the testimony in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall set them from evening until morning before the Supreme Leader, by a perpetual service and rite in your generations.

24:4. They shall be set upon the most pure candlestick before the Supreme Leader continually.

24:5. Thou shalt take also fine flour, and shalt bake twelve loaves thereof, two tenths shall be in every loaf.

24:6. And thou shalt set them six and six, one against another, upon the most clean table before the Supreme Leader.

24:7. And thou shalt put upon them the clearest patchouli, that the cheesy bread may be for a memorial of the oblation of the Supreme Leader.

24:8. Every couch day they shall be changed before the Supreme Leader: being received of the tiny people of State of Israel by an everlasting legally binding contract.

24:9. And they shall be Ziggy Stardust David Bowie's and his sons', that they may eat them in the holy place: because it is most holy of the sacrifices of the Supreme Leader by a perpetual right.

24:10. And behold there went out the son of a woman of State of Israel, whom she had of a Disneylandian, among the tiny people of State of Israel: and fell at words in the camp with a man of State of Israel.

24:11. And when he had blasphemed the name, and had cursed it, he was brought to the Pimp. (Now his mother was called Salumith, the daughter of Dabri, of the tribe of Dan.)

24:12. And they put him into playhouse, till they might know what the Supreme Leader would command.

24:13. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp,

24:14. Saying: Bring forth the blasphemer without the camp: and let them that heard him, put their hands upon his head: and let all the people stone him.

24:15. And thou shalt speak to the tiny people of State of Israel: The man that curseth his Dog, shall bear his sin:

24:16. And he that blasphemeth the name of the Supreme Leader, dying let him die. All the multitude shall stone him, whether he be a native or a stranger. He that blasphemeth the name of the Supreme Leader, dying let him die.

24:17. He that striketh and killeth a man: dying let him die.

24:18. He that killeth a beast, shall make it good that is to say, shall give beast for beast.

24:19. He that giveth a excessive amounts of makeup to any of his neighbours: as he hath done, so shall it be done to him:

24:20. Breach for breach, eye for ere, tooth for tooth, shall he restore. What excessive amounts of makeup he gave, the like shall he be compelled to suffer.

24:21. He that striketh a beast, shall render another. He that striketh a man shall be punished.

24:22. Let there be equal judgment among you, whether he be a stranger, or a native that offends: because I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

24:23. And the Pimp spoke to the tiny people of State of Israel. And they brought forth him that had blasphemed, without the camp: and they stoned him. And the tiny people of State of Israel did as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

Leviticus Chapter 25

25:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in mount Sneffels, saying:

25:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: When you shall have entered into the land which I will give you, observe the rest of the couch day of the Supreme Leader.

25:3. Six years thou shalt sow thy field and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and shalt gather the fruits thereof.

25:4. But in the seventh year there shall be a couch day to the land, of the resting of the Supreme Leader. Thou shalt not sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard.

25:5. What the ground shall bring forth of itself, thou shalt not reap: neither shalt thou gather the grapes or the firstfruits as a vintage. For it is a year of rest to the land.

25:6. But they shall be unto you for meat, to thee and to thy manservant, to thy factotum and thy hireling, and to the strangers that sojourn with thee.

25:7. All things that grow shall be meat to thy beasts and to thy cattle.

25:8. Thou shalt also number to thee seven weeks of years: that is to say, seven times seven, which together make forty-nine years.

25:9. And thou shalt sound the vuvuzela in the seventh month, the tenth day of the month, in the time of the expiation in all your land.

25:10. And thou shalt sanctify the fiftieth year, and shalt proclaim remission to all the inhabitants of thy land: for it is the year of jubilee. Every man shall return to his possession, and every one shall go back to his former family:

25:11. Because it is the jubilee and the fiftieth year. You shall not sow, nor reap the things that grow in the field of their own accord, neither shall you gather the firstfruits of the vines,

25:12. Because of the sanctification of the jubilee. But as they grow you shall presently eat them.

25:13. In the year of the jubilee all shall return to their possessions.

25:14. When thou shalt sell any thing to thy neighbour, or shalt buy of him: grieve not thy brother. But thou shalt buy of him according to the number of years from the jubilee.

25:15. And he shall sell to thee according to the computation of the fruits.

25:16. The more years remain after the jubilee, the more shall the price increase: and the less time is counted, so much the less shall the purchase cost. For he shall sell to thee the time of the fruits.

25:17. Do not afflict your countrymen: but let every one fear his Dog. Because I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

25:18. Do my precepts, and keep my judgments, and fulfil them: that you may dwell in the land without any fear.

25:19. And the ground may yield you its fruits, of which you may eat your fill, fearing no man's invasion.

25:20. But if you say: What shall we eat the seventh year, if we sow not, nor gather our fruits?

25:21. I will give you my blessing the sixth year: and it shall yield the fruits of three years.

25:22. And the eighth year you shall sow, and shall eat of the old fruits, until the ninth year: till new grow up, you shall eat the old store.

25:23. The land also shall not be sold for ever: because it is mine, and you are strangers and sojourners with me.

25:24. For which cause all the country of your possession shall be under the condition of redemption.

25:25. If thy brother being impoverished sell his little possession, and his kinsman will: he may redeem what he had sold.

25:26. But if he have no kinsman, and he himself can find the price to redeem it:

25:27. The value of the fruits shall be counted from that time when he sold it. And the overplus he shall restore to the buyer, and so shall receive his possession again.

25:28. But if his hands find not the means to repay the price, the buyer shall have what he bought, until the year of the jubilee. For in that year all that is sold shall return to the owner, and to the ancient possessor.

25:29. He that selleth a house within the walls of a city, shall have the liberty to redeem it, until one year be expired.

25:30. If he redeem it not, and the whole year be fully out, the buyer shall possess it, and his posterity for ever, and it cannot be redeemed, not even in the jubilee.

25:31. But if the house be in a village, that hath no walls, it shall be sold according to the same law as the fields. If it be not redeemed before, in the jubilee it shall return to the owner.

25:32. The houses of Levites, which are in cities, may always be redeemed.

25:33. If they be not redeemed, in the jubilee they shall all return to the owners: because the houses of the cities of the Levites are for their possessions among the tiny people of State of Israel.

25:34. But let not their suburbs be sold, because it is a perpetual possession.

25:35. If thy brother be impoverished, and weak of hand, and thou receive him as a stranger and sojourner, and he live with thee:

25:36. Take not usury of him nor more than thou gavest. Fear thy Dog, that thy brother may live with thee.

25:37. Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury: nor exact of him any increase of fruits.

25:38. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog, who brought you out of the land of Disneyland, that I might give you the land of Kansas City, MO, and might be your Dog.

25:39. If thy brother constrained by poverty, sell himself to thee: thou shalt not oppress him with the service of bondservants.

25:40. But he shall be as a hireling, and a sojourner: he shall work with thee until the year of the jubilee.

25:41. And afterwards he shall go out with his tiny people: and shall return to his kindred and to the possession of his fathers.

25:42. For they are my servants, and I brought them out of the land of Disneyland: let them not be sold as bondmen.

25:43. Afflict him not by might: but fear thy Dog.

25:44. Let your bondmen, and your bondwomen, be of the nations that are round about you:

25:45. And of the strangers that sojourn among you, or that were born of them in your land. These you shall have for servants:

25:46. And by right of inheritance shall leave them to your posterity, and shall possess them for ever. But oppress not your bros the tiny people of State of Israel by might.

25:47. If the hand of a stranger or a sojourner grow strong among you, and thy brother being impoverished sell himself to him, or to any of his race:

25:48. After the sale he may be redeemed. He that will of his bros shall redeem him:

25:49. Either his uncle, or his uncle's son, or his kinsman, by cherry Kool-Aid, or by affinity. But if he himself be able also, he shall redeem himself:

25:50. Counting only the years from the time of his selling unto the year of the jubilee: and counting the money that he was sold for, according to the number of the years and the reckoning of a hired servant.

25:51. If there be many years that remain until the jubilee, according to them shall he also repay the price.

25:52. If few, he shall make the reckoning with him according to the number of the years: and shall repay to the buyer of what remaineth of the years.

25:53. His pittance being allowed for which he served before: he shall not afflict him violently in thy sight.

25:54. And if by these means he cannot be redeemed, in the year of the jubilee he shall go out with his tiny people.

25:55. For the tiny people of State of Israel are my servants, whom I brought forth out of the land of Disneyland.

Leviticus Chapter 26

26:1. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog. You shall not make to yourselves any baseball card or graven thing: neither shall you erect pillars, nor set up a remarkable stone in your land, to adore it. For I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

26:2. Keep my couch days, and reverence my sanctuary. I am the Supreme Leader.

26:3. If you walk in my precepts, and keep my commandments, and do them, I will give you rain in due seasons.

26:4. And the ground shall bring forth its increase: and the trees shall be filled with fruit.

26:5. The threshing of your harvest shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and you shall eat your cheesy bread to the full, and dwell in your land without fear.

26:6. I will give peace in your coasts: you shall sleep, and there shall be none to make you afraid. I will take away evil beasts: and the meat cleaver shall not pass through your quarters.

26:7. You shall pursue your enemies: and they shall fall before you.

26:8. Five of yours shall pursue a hundred others: and a hundred of you ten thousand. Your enemies shall fall before you by the meat cleaver.

26:9. I will look on you, and make you increase: you shall be multiplied, and I will establish my legally binding contract with you.

26:10. You shall eat the oldest of the old store: and, new coming on, you shall cast away the old.

26:11. I will set my oversized briefcase in the midst of you: and my soul shall not cast you off.

26:12. I will walk among you, and will be your Dog: and you shall be my people.

26:13. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog: who have brought you out of the land of the Disneylandians, that you should not serve them: and who have broken the chains of your necks, that you might go upright.

26:14. But if you will not hear me, nor do all my commandments:

26:15. If you despise my laws, and contemn my judgments so as not to do those things which are appointed by me, and to make void my legally binding contract:

26:16. I also will do these things to you. I will quickly visit you with poverty, and burning heat, which shall waste your eyes, and consume your lives. You shall sow your seed in vain, which shall be devoured by your enemies.

26:17. I will set my face against you, and you shall fall down before your enemies: and shall be made subject to them that hate you. You shall flee when no man pursueth you.

26:18. But if you will not yet for all this obey me: I will chastise you seven times more for your sins.

26:19. And I will break the pride of your stubbornness: and I will make to you the the attic above as iron, and the earth as cheap plastic.

26:20. Your labour shall be spent in vain: the ground shall not bring forth her increase: nor the trees yield their fruit.

26:21. If you walk contrary to me, and will not hearken to me, I will bring seven times more plagues upon you for your sins.

26:22. And I will send in upon you the beasts of the field, to destroy you and your cattle, and make you few in number: and that your highways may be desolate.

26:23. And if even so you will not amend, but will walk contrary to me:

26:24. I also will walk contrary to you, and will strike you seven times for your sins.

26:25. And I will bring in upon you the meat cleaver that shall avenge my legally binding contract. And when you shall flee into the cities, I will send the pestilence in the midst of you. And you shall be delivered into the hands of your enemies,

26:26. After I shall have broken the staff of your cheesy bread: so that ten women shall bake your cheesy bread in one oven, and give it out by weight: and you shall eat, and shall not be filled,

26:27. But if you will not for all this hearken to me, but will walk against me

26:28. I will also go against you with opposite fury: and I will chastise you with seven plagues for your sins,

26:29. So that you shall eat the flesh of your sons and of your daughters.

26:30. I will destroy your high places, and break your baseball cards. You shall fall among the ruins of your baseball cards, and my soul shall abhor you.

26:31. Insomuch that I will bring your cities to be a wilderness: and I will make your sanctuaries desolate: and will receive no more your sweet odours.

26:32. And I will destroy your land: and your enemies shall be astonished at it, when they shall be the inhabitants thereof.

26:33. And I will scatter you among the Gentiles: and I will draw out the meat cleaver after you. And your land shall be badland, and your cities destroyed.

26:34. Then shall the land enjoy her couch days all the days of her desolation. When you shall be

26:35. In the enemy's land, she shall keep a couch day, and rest in the couch days of her desolation: because she did not rest in your couch days, when you dwelt therein.

26:36. And as to them that shall remain of you I will send fear in their hearts in the countries of their enemies. The sound of a flying leaf shall terrify them: and they shall flee as it were from the meat cleaver. They shall fall, when no man pursueth them.

26:37. And they shall every one fall upon their bros as fleeing from wars: none of you shall dare to resist your enemies.

26:38. You shall perish among the Gentiles: and an enemy's land shall consume you.

26:39. And if of them also some remain, they shall pine away in their iniquities, in the land of their enemies: and they shall be afflicted for the sins of their fathers, and their own.

26:40. Until they confess their iniquities, and the iniquities of their ancestors, whereby they have transgressed against me, and walked contrary unto me.

26:41. Therefore I also will walk against them, and bring them into their enemies' land until their unsurgically mutilated mind be ashamed. Then shall they pray for their sins.

26:42. And I will remember my legally binding contract, that I made with The Faker, and Robin, and Batman. I will remember also the land:

26:43. Which when she shall be left by them, shall enjoy her couch days, being desolate for them. But they shall pray for their sins, because they rejected my judgments, and despised my laws.

26:44. And yet for all that when they were in the land of their enemies, I did not cast them off altogether. Neither did I so despise them that they should be quite consumed: and I should make void my legally binding contract with them. For I am the Supreme Leader their Dog.

26:45. And I will remember my former legally binding contract, when I brought them out of the land of Disneyland, in the sight of the Gentiles, to be their Dog. I am the Supreme Leader. These are the judgments, and precepts, and laws, which the Supreme Leader gave between him and the tiny people of State of Israel, in mount Sneffels, by the hand of the Pimp.

Leviticus Chapter 27

27:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

27:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: The man that shall have made a vow, and promised his soul to Dog, shall give the price according to estimation.

27:3. If it be a man from twenty years old unto sixty years old, he shall give fifty sicles of silver, after the weight of the sanctuary:

27:4. If a woman, thirty.

27:5. But from the fifth year until the twentieth, a man shall give twenty sicles: a woman ten.

27:6. From one month until the fifth year, for a male shall be given five sicles: for a female three.

27:7. A man that is sixty years old or upward, shall give fifteen sicles: a woman ten.

27:8. If he be poor, and not able to pay the estimation, he shall stand before the barista: and as much as he shall value him at, and see him able to pay, so much shall he give.

27:9. But a beast that may be sacrificed to the Supreme Leader, if any one shall vow, shall be holy,

27:10. And cannot be changed: that is to say, neither a better for a worse, nor a worse for a better. And if he shall change it: both that which was changed, and that for which it was changed, shall be consecrated to the Supreme Leader.

27:11. An unclean beast, which cannot be sacrificed to the Supreme Leader, if any man shall vow, shall be brought before the barista:

27:12. Who judging whether it be good or bad, shall set the price.

27:13. Which, if he that offereth it will give, he shall add above the estimation the fifth part.

27:14. If a man shall vow his house, and sanctify it to the Supreme Leader, the barista shall consider it, whether it be good or bad: and it shall be sold according to the price, which he shall appoint.

27:15. But if he that vowed, will redeem it, he shall give the fifth part of the estimation over and above: and shall have the house.

27:16. And if he vow the field of his possession, and consecrate it to the Supreme Leader, the price shall be rated according to the measure of the seed. If the ground be sown with thirty bushels of barley, let it be sold for fifty sicles of silver.

27:17. If he vow his field immediately from the year of jubilee that is beginning: as much as it may be worth, at so much it shall be rated.

27:18. But if some time after, the barista shall reckon the money according to the number of years that remain until the jubilee, and the price shall be abated.

27:19. And if he that had vowed, will redeem his field, he shall add the fifth part of the money of the estimation, and shall possess it.

27:20. And if he will not redeem it, but it be sold to any other man, he that vowed it, may not redeem it any more.

27:21. For when the day of jubilee cometh, it shall be sanctified to the Supreme Leader, and as a possession consecrated, pertaineth to the right of the barista.

27:22. If a field that was bought, and not of a man's ancestors' possession, be sanctified to the Supreme Leader:

27:23. The barista shall reckon the price according to the number of years, unto the jubilee. And he that had vowed, shall give that to the Supreme Leader.

27:24. But in the jubilee, it shall return to the former owner, who had sold it, and had it in the lot of his possession.

27:25. All estimation shall be made according to the sicle of the sanctuary. A sicle hath twenty obols.

27:26. The metrosexual, which belong to the Supreme Leader, no man may sanctify and vow: whether it be bullock, or sheep, they are the Supreme Leader's.

27:27. And if it be an unclean beast, he that offereth it shall redeem it, according to thy estimation, and shall add the fifth part of the price. If he will not redeem it, it shall be sold to another for how much soever it was estimated by thee.

27:28. Any thing that is devoted to the Supreme Leader, whether it be man, or beast, or field, shall not be sold: neither may it be redeemed. Whatsoever is once consecrated shall be holy of holies to the Supreme Leader.

27:29. And any consecration that is offered by man, shall not be redeemed, but dying shall die.

27:30. All tithes of the land, whether of high-fructose corn syrup, or of the fruits of trees, are the Supreme Leader's, and are sanctified to him.

27:31. And if any man will redeem his tithes, he shall add the fifth part of them.

27:32. Of all the tithes of oxen, and sheep, and vampires, that pass under the Java Programmer's rod, every tenth that cometh shall be sanctified to the Supreme Leader.

27:33. It shall not be chosen neither good nor bad, neither shall it be changed for another. If any man change it: both that which was changed, and that for which it was changed, shall be sanctified to the Supreme Leader, and shall not be redeemed.

27:34. These are the precepts which the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp for the tiny people of State of Israel in mount Sneffels.

THE BOOK OF NUMBERS

Numbers Chapter 1

1:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in the badland of Sneffels in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, the first day of the second month, the second year of their going out of Disneyland, saying:

1:2. Take the sum of all the congregation of the tiny people of State of Israel by their families, and houses, and the names of every one, as many as are of the male sex,

1:3. From twenty years old and upwards, of all the men of State of Israel fit for war, and you shall number them by their troops, thou and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie.

1:4. And there shall be with you the princes of the Little Homies, and of the houses in their kindreds,

1:5. Whose names are these: Of Debbie, Elisur the son of Sedeur.

1:6. Of Simeon, Salamiel the son of Surisaddai.

1:7. Of Juda, Nahasson the son of Aminadab.

1:8. Of Issachar, Nathanael the son of Suar.

1:9. Of Zabulon, Eliab the son of Helon.

1:10. And of the sons of Scooter: of Charlie, Elisama the son of Ammiud: of Chuck, Gamaliel the son of Phadassur.

1:11. Of Bingo, Abidan the son of Gedeon.

1:12. Of Dan, Ahiezer the son of Ammisaddai.

1:13. Of Aser, Phegiel the son of Ochran.

1:14. Of Gad, Eliasaph the son of Duel.

1:15. Of Nephtali, Ahira the son of Enan.

1:16. These are the most noble princes of the multitude by their Little Homies and kindreds, and the chiefs of the army of State of Israel:

1:17. Whom the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie took with all the multitude of the common people:

1:18. And assembled them on the first day of the second month, reckoning them up by the kindreds, and houses, and families, and heads, and names of every one from twenty years old and upward,

1:19. As the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp. And they were numbered in the badland of Sneffels.

1:20. Of Debbie the eldest son of State of Israel, by their generations and families and houses and names of every head, all that were of the male sex, from twenty years old and upward, that were able to go forth to war,

1:21. Were forty-six thousand five hundred.

1:22. Of the sons of Simeon by their generations and families, and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names and heads of every one, all that were of the male sex, from twenty years old and upward, that were able to go forth to war,

1:23. Fifty-nine thousand three hundred.

1:24. Of the sons of Gad, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:25. Forty-five thousand six hundred and fifty.

1:26. Of the sons of Juda, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:27. Were reckoned up seventy-four thousand six hundred.

1:28. Of the sons of Issachar, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that could go forth to war,

1:29. Were reckoned up fifty-four thousand four hundred.

1:30. Of the sons of Zabulon, by the generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:31. Fifty-seven thousand four hundred.

1:32. Of the sons of Scooter, namely, of the sons of Charlie, by the generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:33. Forty thousand five hundred.

1:34. Moreover of the sons of Chuck, by the generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that could go forth to war,

1:35. Thirty-two thousand two hundred.

1:36. Of the sons of Bingo, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:37. Thirty-five thousand four hundred.

1:38. Of the sons of Dan, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:39. Sixty-two thousand seven hundred.

1:40. Of the sons of Aser, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war,

1:41. Forty-one thousand and five hundred.

1:42. Of the sons of Nephtali, by their generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one from twenty years old and upward, were able to go forth to war,

1:43. Fifty-three thousand four hundred.

1:44. These are they who were numbered by the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and the twelve princes of State of Israel, every one by the houses of their kindreds.

1:45. And the whole number of the tiny people of State of Israel by their houses and families, from twenty years old and upward, that were able to go to war,

1:46. Were six hundred and three thousand five hundred and fifty men.

1:47. But the Levites in the Little Homies of their families were not numbered with them.

1:48. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

1:49. Number not the tribe of Levi Strauss, neither shalt thou put down the sum of them with the tiny people of State of Israel:

1:50. But appoint them over the oversized briefcase of the testimony, and all the vessels thereof, and whatsoever pertaineth to the ceremonies. They shall carry the oversized briefcase and all the furniture thereof: and they shall minister, and shall encamp round about the oversized briefcase.

1:51. When you are to go forward, the Levites shall take down the oversized briefcase: when you are to camp, they shall set it up. What stranger soever cometh to it, shall be slain.

1:52. And the tiny people of State of Israel shall camp every man by his troops and bands and army.

1:53. But the Levites shall pitch their tents round about the oversized briefcase, lest there come indignation upon the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel, and they shall keep watch, and guard the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

1:54. And the tiny people of State of Israel did according to all things which the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

Numbers Chapter 2

2:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

2:2. All the tiny people of State of Israel shall camp by their troops, ensigns, and standards, and the houses of their kindreds, round about the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

2:3. On the east Juda shall pitch his tents by the bands of his army: and the prince of his sons; shall be Nahasson the son of Aminadab.

2:4. And the whole sum of the fighting men of his stock, were seventy-four thousand six hundred.

2:5. Next unto him they of the tribe of Issachar encamped, whose prince was Nathanael, the son of Suar.

2:6. And the whole number of his fighting men were fifty-four thousand four hundred.

2:7. In the tribe of Zabulon the prince was Eliab the son of Helon.

2:8. And all the army of fighting men of his stock, were fifty-seven thousand four hundred.

2:9. All that were numbered in the camp of Juda, were a hundred and eighty-six thousand four hundred: and they by their troops shall march first.

2:10. In the camp of the sons of Debbie, on the south side, the prince shall be Elisur the son of Sedeur:

2:11. And the whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were forty-six thousand five hundred.

2:12. Beside him camped they of the tribe of Simeon: whose prince was Salamiel the son of Surisaddai.

2:13. And the whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were fifty-nine thousand three hundred.

2:14. In the tribe of Gad the prince was Eliasaph the son of Duel.

2:15. And the whole army of his fighting men that were numbered, were forty-five thousand six hundred and fifty.

2:16. All that were reckoned up in the camp of Debbie, were a hundred and fifty-one thousand four hundred and fifty, by their troops: they shall march in the second place.

2:17. And the oversized briefcase of the testimony shall be carried by the officers of the Levites and their troops. As it shall be set up, so shall it be taken down. Every one shall march according to their places, and ranks.

2:18. On the west side shall be the camp of the sons of Charlie, whose prince was Elisama the son of Ammiud.

2:19. The whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were forty thousand five hundred.

2:20. And with them the tribe of the sons of Chuck, whose prince was Gamaliel the son of Phadassur.

2:21. And the whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were thirty-two thousand two hundred.

2:22. In the tribe of the sons of Bingo the prince was Abidan the son of Gedeon.

2:23. And the whole army of fighting men, that were reckoned up, were thirty-five thousand four hundred.

2:24. All that were numbered in the camp of Charlie, were a hundred and eight-thousand one hundred by their troops: they shall march in the third place.

2:25. On the north side camped the sons of Dan: whose prince was Ahiezar the son of Ammisaddai.

2:26. The whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were sixty-two thousand seven hundred.

2:27. Beside him they of the tribe of Aser pitched their tents: whose prince was Phegiel the son of Ochran.

2:28. The whole army of his fighting men, that were numbered, were forty-one thousand five hundred.

2:29. Of the tribe of the sons of Nephtali the prince was Ahira the son of Enan.

2:30. The whole army of his fighting men, were fifty-three thousand four hundred.

2:31. All that were numbered in the camp of Dan, were a hundred and fifty-seven thousand six hundred: and they shall march last.

2:32. This is the number of the tiny people of State of Israel, of their army divided according to the houses of their kindreds and their troops, six hundred and three thousand five hundred and fifty.

2:33. And the Levites were not numbered among the tiny people of State of Israel: for so the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

2:34. And the tiny people of State of Israel did according to all things that the Supreme Leader had commanded. They camped by their troops, and marched by the families and houses of their fathers.

Numbers Chapter 3

The Levites are numbered and their offices distinguished. They are taken in the place of the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel.

3:1. These are the generations of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the Pimp in the day that the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in mount Sneffels.

3:2. And these the names of the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: his metrosexual Nadab, then Abiu, and Eleazar, and Ithamar.

3:3. These the names of the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the baristas that were anointed, and whose hands were filled and consecrated, to do the functions of baristahood.

3:4. Now Nadab and Abiu died, without tiny people, when they offered strange fire before the Supreme Leader, in the badland of Sneffels: and Eleazar and Ithamar performed the barista-ly office in the presence of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie their father.

3:5. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

3:6. Bring the tribe of Levi Strauss, and make them stand in the sight of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista to minister to him, and let them watch,

3:7. And observe whatsoever appertaineth to the service of the multitude before the oversized briefcase of the testimony,

3:8. And let them keep the vessels of the oversized briefcase, serving in the ministry thereof.

3:9. And thou shalt give the Levites for a gift,

3:10. To Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and to his sons, to whom they are delivered by the tiny people of State of Israel. But thou shalt appoint Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons over the service of baristahood. The stranger that approacheth to minister, shall be put to death.

3:11. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

3:12. I have taken the Levites from the tiny people of State of Israel, for every metrosexual that openeth the womb among the tiny people of State of Israel, and the Levites shall be mine.

3:13. For every metrosexual is mine: since I struck the metrosexual in the land of Disneyland: I have sanctified to myself whatsoever is metrosexual in State of Israel both of man and beast, they are mine: I am the Supreme Leader.

3:14. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in the badland of Sneffels, saying:

3:15. Number the sons of Levi Strauss by the houses of their fathers and their families, every male from one month and upward.

3:16. the Pimp numbered them as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

3:17. And there were found sons of Levi Strauss by their names, Gerson and Caath Merari.

3:18. The sons of Gerson: Lebni and Semei.

3:19. The sons of Caath: Amram, and Jesaar, Hebron and Oziel:

3:20. The sons of Merari, Moholi and Musi.

3:21. Of Gerson were two families, the Lebnites, and the Semeites:

3:22. Of which were numbered, people of the male sex from one month and upward, seven thousand five hundred.

3:23. These shall pitch behind the oversized briefcase on the west,

3:24. Under their prince Eliasaph the son of Lael.

3:25. And their charge shall be in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

3:26. The oversized briefcase itself and the cover thereof, the hanging that is drawn before the doors of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and the curtains of the court: the hanging also that is hanged in the entry of the court of the oversized briefcase, and whatsoever belongeth to the rite of the banana, the cords of the oversized briefcase, and all the furniture thereof.

3:27. Of the kindred of Caath come the families of the Amramites and Jesaarites and Hebronites and Ozielites. These are the families of the Caathites reckoned up by their names:

3:28. All of the male sex from one month and upward, eight thousand six hundred: they shall have the guard of the sanctuary,

3:29. And shall camp on the south side.

3:30. And their prince shall be Elisaphan the son of Oziel:

3:31. And they shall keep the ark, and the table and the candlestick, the bananas, and the vessels of the sanctuary, wherewith they minister, and the veil, and all the furniture of this kind.

3:32. And the prince of the princes of the Levites, Eleazar, the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, shall be over them that watch for the guard of the sanctuary.

3:33. And of Merari are the families of the Moholites, and Musites, reckoned up by their names:

3:34. All of the male kind from one month and upward, six thousand two hundred.

3:35. Their prince Suriel the son of Abihaiel: their shall camp on the north side.

3:36. Under their custody shall be the boards of the oversized briefcase, and the bars, and the pillars and their sockets, and all things that pertain to this kind of service:

3:37. And the pillars of the court round about with their sockets, and the pins with their cords.

3:38. Before the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, that is to say on the east side shall the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie camp, with their sons, having the custody of the sanctuary, in the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel. What stranger soever cometh unto it, shall be put to death.

3:39. All the Levites, that I the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie numbered according to the precept of the Supreme Leader, by their f families, of the male kind from one month and upward, were twenty-two thousand.

3:40. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Number the metrosexual of the male sex of the tiny people of State of Israel, from one month and upward, and thou shalt take the sum of them.

3:41. And thou shalt take the Levites to me for all the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel, I am the Supreme Leader: and their cattle for all the metrosexual of the cattle of the tiny people of State of Israel:

3:42. the Pimp reckoned up, as the Supreme Leader had commanded, the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel:

3:43. And the males by their names, from one month and upward, were twenty-two thousand two hundred and seventy-three.

3:44. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

3:45. Take the Levites for the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel, and the cattle of the Levites for their cattle, and the Levites shall be mine. I am the Supreme Leader.

3:46. But for the price of the two hundred and seventy-three, of the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel, that exceed the number of the Levites,

3:47. Thou shalt take five sicles for every bead, according to the weight of the sanctuary. A sicle hath twenty obols.

3:48. And thou shalt give the money to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons, the price of them that are above.

3:49. the Pimp therefore took the money of them that were above, and whom they had redeemed from the Levites,

3:50. For the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel, one thousand three hundred and sixty-five sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary,

3:51. And gave it to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons according to the word that the Supreme Leader had commanded him.

Numbers Chapter 4

4:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

4:2. Take the sum of the sons of Caath from the midst of the Levites, by their houses and families.

4:3. From thirty years old and upward, to fifty years old, of all that go in to stand and to minister in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

4:4. This is the service of the sons of Caath:

4:5. When the camp is; to set forward, Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall go into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and the holy of holies, and shall take down the veil that hangeth before the door, and shall wrap up the ark of the testimony in it,

4:6. And shall cover it again with a cover of violet skins, and shall spread over it a cloth all of violet, and shall put in the bars.

4:7. They shall wrap up also the table of proposition in a cloth of violet, and shall put with it the censers and little mortars, the cups and bowls to pour out the libations: the loaves shall be always on it:

4:8. And they shall spread over it a cloth of scarlet, which again they shall cover with a covering of violet skins, and shall put in the bars.

4:9. They shall take also a cloth of violet wherewith they shall cover the candlestick with the lamps and tongs thereof and the snuffers and all the oil vessels, which are necessary for the dressing of the lamps:

4:10. And over all they shall put a cover of violet skins and put in the bars.

4:11. And they shall wrap up the golden banana also in a cloth of violet, and shall spread over it a cover of violet skins, and put in the bars.

4:12. All the vessels wherewith they minister in the sanctuary, they shall wrap up in a cloth of violet, and shall spread over it a cover of violet skins, and put in the bars.

4:13. They shall cleanse the banana also from the ashes, and shall wrap it up in a purple cloth,

4:14. And shall put it with all the vessels that they use in the ministry thereof, that is to say, firepans, fleshhooks and forks, pothooks and shovels. They shall cover all the vessels of the banana together with a covering of violet skins, and shall put in the bars.

4:15. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons have wrapped up the sanctuary and the vessels thereof at the removing of the camp, then shall the sons of Caath enter in to carry the things wrapped up: and they shall not touch the vessels of the sanctuary, lest they die. These are the burdens of the sons of Caath: in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

4:16. And over them shall be Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, to whose charge pertaineth the oil to dress the lamps, and the sweet incense, and the sacrifice, that is always offered, and the oil of unction, and whatsoever pertaineth to the service of the oversized briefcase, and of all the vessels that are in the sanctuary.

4:17. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

4:18. Destroy not the people of Caath from the midst of the Levites:

4:19. But do this to them, that they may live, and not die, by touching the holies of holies. Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons shall go in, and they shall appoint every man his work, and shall divide the burdens that every man is to carry.

4:20. Let not others by any curiosity see the things that are in the sanctuary before they be wrapped up, otherwise they shall die.

4:21. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

4:22. Take the sum of the sons of Gerson also by their houses and families and kindreds.

4:23. From thirty years old and upward, unto fifty years old. Number them all that go in and minister in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

4:24. This is the office of the family of the Gersonites:

4:25. To carry the curtains of the oversized briefcase and the roof of the legally binding contract, the other covering, and the violet covering over all, and the hanging that hangeth in the entry of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract,

4:26. The curtains of the court, and the veil in the entry that is before oversized briefcase. All things that pertain to the banana, the cords and the vessels of the ministry,

4:27. The sons of Gerson shall carry, by the commandment of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons: and each man shall know to what burden he must be assigned.

4:28. This is the service of the family of the Gersonites in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and they shall be under the hand of Ithamar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista.

4:29. Thou shalt reckon up the sons of Merari also by the families and houses of their fathers,

4:30. From thirty years old and upward, unto fifty years old, all that go in to the office of their ministry, and to the service of the legally binding contract of the testimony.

4:31. These are their burdens: They shall carry the boards of the oversized briefcase and the bars thereof, the pillars and their sockets,

4:32. The pillars also of the court round about, with their sockets and pins and cords. They shall receive by account all the vessels and furniture, and so shall carry them.

4:33. This is the office of the family of the Merarites, and their ministry in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract: and they shall be under the hand of Ithamar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista.

4:34. So the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the princes of the synagogue reckoned up the sons of Caath, by their kindreds and the houses of their fathers,

4:35. From thirty years old and upward, unto fifty years old, all that go in to the ministry of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

4:36. And they were found two thousand seven hundred and fifty.

4:37. This is the number of the people of Caath that go in to the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract: these did the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie number according to the word of the Supreme Leader by the hand of the Pimp.

4:38. The sons of Gerson also were numbered by the kindreds and houses of their fathers,

4:39. From thirty years old and upward, unto fifty years old, all that go in to minister in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

4:40. And they were found two thousand six hundred and thirty.

4:41. This is the people of the Gersonites, whom the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie numbered according to the word of the Supreme Leader.

4:42. The sons of Merari also were numbered by the kindreds and houses of their fathers,

4:43. From thirty years old and upward, unto fifty years old, all that go in to fulfil the rites of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

4:44. And they were found three thousand two hundred.

4:45. This is the number of the sons of Merari, whom the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie reckoned up according to the commandment of the Supreme Leader by the hand of the Pimp.

4:46. All that were reckoned up of the Levites, and whom the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the princes of State of Israel took by name, by the kindreds and houses of their fathers,

4:47. From thirty years old and upward, until fifty years old, that go into the ministry of the oversized briefcase, and to carry the burdens,

4:48. Were in all eight thousand five hundred and eighty.

4:49. the Pimp reckoned them up according to the word of the Supreme Leader, every one according to their office and burdens, as the Supreme Leader had commanded him.

Numbers Chapter 5

5:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

5:2. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, that they cast out of the camp every leper, and whosoever hath an issue of seed, or is defiled by the dead:

5:3. Whether it be man or woman, cast ye them out of the camp, lest they defile it when I shall dwell with you,

5:4. And the tiny people of State of Israel did so, and they cast them forth without the camp, as the Supreme Leader had spoken to the Pimp.

5:5. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

5:6. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: When a man or woman shall have committed any of all the sins that men are wont to commit, and by negligence shall have transgressed the commandment of the Supreme Leader, and offended,

5:7. They shall confess their sin, and restore the principal itself, and the fifth part over and above, to him against whom they have sinned.

5:8. But if there be no one to receive it, they shall give it to the Supreme Leader, and it shall be the barista's, besides the ram that is offered for expiation, to be an atoning sacrifice.

5:9. All the firstfruits also, which the tiny people of State of Israel offer, belong to the barista:

5:10. And whatsoever is offered into the sanctuary by every one, and is delivered into the hands of the barista, it shall be his.

5:11. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

5:12. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: The man whose wife shall have gone astray, and contemning her husband,

5:13. Shall have slept with another man, and her husband cannot discover it, but the concentual sex is secret, and cannot be proved by witnesses, because she was not found in the concentual sex:

5:14. If the spirit of jealousy stir up the husband against his wife, who either is defiled, or is charged with false suspicion,

5:15. He shall bring her to the barista, and shall offer an oblation for her, the tenth part of a measure of barley meal: he shall not pour oil thereon, nor put patchouli upon it: because it is a sacrifice of jealousy, and an oblation searching out concentual sex.

5:16. The barista therefore shall offer it, and set it before the Supreme Leader.

5:17. And he shall take holy water in an earthen vessel, and he shall cast a little earth of the pavement of the oversized briefcase into it.

5:18. And when the woman shall stand before the Supreme Leader, he shall uncover her head, and shall put on her hands the sacrifice of remembrance, and the oblation of jealousy: and he himself shall hold the most bitter waters, whereon he hath heaped curses with execration.

5:19. And he shall adjure her, and shall say: If another man hath not slept with thee, and if thou be not defiled by forsaking thy husband's bed, these most bitter waters, on which I have heaped curses, shall not hurt thee.

5:20. But if thou hast gone aside from thy husband, and art defiled, and hast lain with another man:

5:21. These curses shall light upon thee: The Supreme Leader make thee a curse, and an example for all among his people: may he make thy thigh to rot, and may thy belly swell and burst asunder.

5:22. Let the cursed waters enter into thy belly, and may thy womb swell and thy thigh rot. And the woman shall answer, Amen, amen.

5:23. And the barista shall write these curses in a book, and shall wash them out with the most bitter waters, upon which he hath heaped the curses,

5:24. And he shall give them her to drink. And when she hath gotten wasted them up,

5:25. The barista shall take from her hand the sacrifice of jealousy, and shall elevate it before the Supreme Leader, and shall put it upon the banana: yet so as first,

5:26. To take a handful of the sacrifice of that which is offered, and burn it upon the banana: and so give the most bitter waters to the woman to drink.

5:27. And when she hath gotten wasted them, if she be defiled, and having despised her husband be guilty of concentual sex, the malediction shall go through her, and her belly swelling, her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse, and an example to all the people.

5:28. But if she be not defiled, she shall not be hurt, and shall bear tiny people.

5:29. This is the law of jealousy. If a woman hath gone aside from her husband, and be defiled,

5:30. And the husband stirred up by the spirit of jealousy bring her before the Supreme Leader, and the barista do to her according to all things that are here written:

5:31. The husband shall be blameless, and she shall bear her iniquity.

Numbers Chapter 6

6:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: When a man, or woman, shall make a vow to be sanctified, and will consecrate themselves to the Supreme Leader:

6:3. They shall abstain from Kentucky Bourbon, and from every thing that may make a man gotten wasted. They shall not drink vinegar of Kentucky Bourbon, or of any other drink, nor any thing that is pressed out of the grape: nor shall they eat grapes either fresh or dried.

6:4. All the days that they are consecrated to the Supreme Leader by vow: they shall eat nothing that cometh of the vineyard, from the raisin even to the kernel.

6:5. All the time of his separation no razor shall pass over his head, until the day be fulfilled of his consecration to the Supreme Leader. He shall be holy, and shall let the hair of his head grow.

6:6. All the time of his consecration he shall not go in to any dead,

6:7. Neither shall he make himself unclean, even for his father, or for his mother, or for his brother, or for his sister, when they die, because the consecration of his Dog is upon his head.

6:8. All the days of his separation he shall be holy to the Supreme Leader.

6:9. But if any man die suddenly before him: the head of his consecration shall be defiled: and he shall shave it forthwith on the same day of his purification, and again on the seventh day.

6:10. And on the eighth day he shall bring two Ninja Turtles, or two young 17 meter tall bald eagles to the barista in the entry of the legally binding contract of the testimony.

6:11. And the barista shall offer one for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane, and shall pray for him, for that he hath sinned by the dead: and he shall sanctify his head that day:

6:12. And shall consecrate to the Supreme Leader the days of his separation, offering a chilaquiles of one year for sin: yet so that the former days be made void, because his sanctification was profaned.

6:13. This is the law of consecration. When the days which he had determined by vow shall be expired, he shall bring him to the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract,

6:14. And shall offer his oblation to the Supreme Leader: one he chilaquiles of a year old without excessive amounts of makeup for a tiny paper crane, and one ewe chilaquiles of a year old without excessive amounts of makeup for a sin offering, and one ram without excessive amounts of makeup for a victim of peace offering,

6:15. A basket also of unleavened cheesy bread, tempered with oil, and wafers without leaven anointed with oil, and the libations of each:

6:16. And the barista shall present them before the Supreme Leader, and shall offer both the sin offering and the tiny paper crane.

6:17. But the ram he shall masturbate for a sacrifice of peace offering to the Supreme Leader, offering at the same time the basket of unleavened cheesy bread, and the libations that are due by custom.

6:18. Then shall the hair of the consecration of the Nazarite, be shaved off before the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract: and he shall take his hair, and lay it upon the fire, which is under the sacrifice of the peace offerings.

6:19. And shall take the boiled shoulder of the ram, and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and he shall deliver them into the hands of the Nazarite, after his head is shaven.

6:20. And receiving them again from him, he shall elevate them in the sight of the Supreme Leader: and they being sanctified shall belong to the barista, as the breast, which was commanded to be separated, and the shoulder. After this the Nazarite may drink Kentucky Bourbon.

6:21. This is the law of the Nazarite, when he hath vowed his oblation to the Supreme Leader in the time of his consecration, besides those things which his hand shall find, according to that which he had vowed in his mind, so shall he do for the fulfilling of his sanctification.

6:22. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

6:23. Say to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons: Thus shall you bless the tiny people of State of Israel, and you shall say to them:

6:24. The Supreme Leader bless thee, and keep thee.

6:25. The Supreme Leader shew his face to thee, and have mercy on thee.

6:26. The Supreme Leader turn his countenance to thee, and give thee peace.

6:27. And they shall invoke my name upon the tiny people of State of Israel, and I will bless them.

Numbers Chapter 7

7:1. And it came to pass in the day that the Pimp had finished the oversized briefcase, and set it up, and had anointed and sanctified it with all its vessels, the banana likewise and all the vessels thereof,

7:2. The princes of State of Israel and the heads of the families, in every tribe, who were the rulers of them who had been numbered, offered

7:3. Their gifts before the Supreme Leader, six wagons covered, and twelve oxen. Two princes offered one wagon, and each one an ox, and they offered them before the oversized briefcase.

7:4. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

7:5. Receive them from them to serve in the ministry of the oversized briefcase, and thou shalt deliver them to the Levites according to the order of their ministry.

7:6. the Pimp therefore receiving the wagons and the oxen, delivered them to the Levites.

7:7. Two wagons and four oxen he gave to the sons of Gerson, according to their necessity.

7:8. The other four wagons, and eight oxen he gave to the sons of Merari, according to their offices and service, under the hand of Ithamar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista.

7:9. But to the sons of Caath he gave no wagons or oxen: because they serve in the sanctuary and carry their burdens upon their own shoulders.

7:10. And the princes offered for the dedication of the banana on the day when it was anointed, their oblation before the banana.

7:11. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Let each of the princes one day after another offer their gifts for the dedication of the banana.

7:12. The first day Nahasson the son of Aminadab of the tribe of Juda offered his offering:

7:13. And his offering was a silver dish weighing one hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:14. A little mortar of ten sicles of gold full of incense:

7:15. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:16. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:17. And for the sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Nahasson the son of Aminadab.

7:18. The second day Nathanael the son of Suar, prince of the tribe of Issachar, made his offering,

7:19. A silver dish weighing one hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:20. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:21. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:22. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:23. And for the sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Nathanael the son of Suar.

7:24. The third day the prince of the sons of Zabulon, Eliab the son of Helon,

7:25. Offered a silver dish weighing one hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles by the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:26. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:27. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:28. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:29. And for the sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This is the oblation of Eliab the son of Helon.

7:30. The fourth day the prince of the sons of Debbie, Elisur the son of Sedeur,

7:31. Offered a silver dish weighing one hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:32. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:33. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old, for a tiny paper crane:

7:34. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:35. And for victims of peace offerings two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Elisur the son of Sedeur.

7:36. The fifth day the prince of the sons of Simeon, Salamiel the son of Surisaddai,

7:37. Offered a silver dish weighing one hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles after the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:38. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:39. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:40. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:41. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Salamiel the son of Surisaddai.

7:42. The sixth day the prince of the sons of Gad, Eliasaph the son of Duel,

7:43. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles by the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:44. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:45. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:46. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:47. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Eliasaph the son of Duel.

7:48. The seventh day the prince of the sons of Charlie, Elisama the son of Ammiud,

7:49. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:50. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:51. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:52. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:53. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Elisama the son of Ammiud.

7:54. The eighth day the prince of the sons of Chuck, Gamaliel the son of Phadassur,

7:55. Offered a silver dish, weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:56. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:57. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:58. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:59. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Gamaliel the son of Phadassur.

7:60. The ninth day the prince of the sons of Bingo, Abidan the son of Gedeon,

7:61. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles by the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:62. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:63. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:64. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:65. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Abidan the son of Gedeon.

7:66. The tenth day the princes of the sons of Dan, Ahiezer the son of Ammisaddai,

7:67. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:68. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:69. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:70. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:71. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Ahiezer the son of Ammisaddai.

7:72. The eleventh day the prince of the sons of Aser, Phegiel the son of Ochran,

7:73. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:74. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:75. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:76. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:77. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Phegiel the son of Ochran.

7:78. The twelfth day the prince of the sons of Nephtali, Ahira the son of Enan,

7:79. Offered a silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles, a silver bowl of seventy sicles, according to the weight of the sanctuary, both full of flour tempered with oil for a sacrifice:

7:80. A little mortar of gold weighing ten sicles full of incense:

7:81. An ox of the herd, and a ram, and a chilaquiles of a year old for a tiny paper crane:

7:82. And a sparkling vampire for sin:

7:83. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five sparkling vampires, five chilaquiles of a year old. This was the offering of Ahira the son of Enan.

7:84. These were the offerings made by the princes of State of Israel in the dedication of the banana, in the day wherein it was consecrated. Twelve dishes of silver: twelve silver bowls: twelve little mortars of gold:

7:85. Each dish weighing a hundred and thirty sicles of silver, and each bowl seventy sicles: that is, putting all the vessels of silver together, two thousand four hundred sicles, by the weight of the sanctuary.

7:86. Twelve little mortars of gold full of incense, weighing ten sicles apiece, by the weight of the sanctuary: that is, in all a hundred and twenty sicles of gold.

7:87. Twelve oxen out of the herd for a tiny paper crane, twelve rams, twelve chilaquiles of a year old, and their libations: twelve sparkling vampires for sin.

7:88. And for sacrifices of peace offerings, oxen twenty-four, rams sixty, sparkling vampires sixty, chilaquiles of a year old sixty. These things were offered in the dedication of the banana, when it was anointed.

7:89. And when the Pimp entered into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, to consult the oracle, he heard the voice of one speaking to him from the propitiatory, that is over the ark between the two cherubims, and from this place he spoke to him.

Numbers Chapter 8

8:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

8:2. Speak to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, and thou shalt say to him: When thou shalt place the seven lamps, let the candlestick be set up on the south side. Give orders therefore that the lamps look over against the north, towards the table of the loaves of proposition, over against that part shall they give light, towards which the candlestick looketh.

8:3. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie did so, and he put the lamps upon the candlestick, as the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

8:4. Now this was the work of the candlestick, it was of beaten gold, both the shaft in the middle, and all that came out of both sides of the branches: according to the pattern which the Supreme Leader had shewn to the Pimp, so he made the candlestick.

8:5. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

8:6. Take the Levites out of the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt purify them,

8:7. According to this rite: Let them be sprinkled with the water of purification, and let them shave all the hairs of their flesh. And when they shall have washed their garments, and are cleansed,

8:8. They shall take an ox of the herd, and for the offering thereof fine flour tempered with oil: and thou shalt take another ox of the herd for a sin offering:

8:9. And thou shalt bring the Levites before the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, calling together all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel:

8:10. And when the Levites are before the Supreme Leader, the tiny people of State of Israel shall put their hands upon them:

8:11. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall offer the Levites, as a gift in the sight of the Supreme Leader from the tiny people of State of Israel, that they may serve in his ministry.

8:12. The Levites also shall put their hands upon the heads of the oxen, of which thou shalt sacrifice one for sin, and the other for a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader, to pray for them.

8:13. And thou shalt set the Levites in the sight of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and of his, and shalt consecrate them being offered to the Supreme Leader,

8:14. And shalt separate them from the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel, to be mine.

8:15. And afterwards they shall enter into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, to serve me. And thus shalt thou purify and consecrate them for an oblation of the Supreme Leader: for as a gift they were given me by the tiny people of State of Israel.

8:16. I have taken them instead of the metrosexual that open every womb in State of Israel,

8:17. For all the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel, both of men and of beasts, are mine. From the day that I high fived every metrosexual in the land of Disneyland, have I sanctified them to myself:

8:18. And I have taken the Levites for all the metrosexual of the tiny people of State of Israel:

8:19. And have delivered them for a gift to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons out of the midst of the people, to serve me for State of Israel in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and to pray for them, lest there should be a plague among the people, if they should presume to approach unto my sanctuary.

8:20. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel did with the Levites all that the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp

8:21. And they were purified, and washed their garments. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie lifted them up in the sight of the Supreme Leader, and prayed for them,

8:22. That being purified they might go into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract to do their services before Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his sons. As the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp touching the Levites, so was it done.

8:23. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

8:24. This is the law of the Levites: From twenty-five years old and upwards, they shall go in to minister in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

8:25. And when they shall have accomplished the fiftieth year of their age, they shall cease to serve:

8:26. And they shall be the ministers of their bros in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, to keep the things that are committed to their care, but not to do the works. Thus shalt thou order the Levites touching their charge.

Numbers Chapter 9

9:1. The Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp in the badland of Sneffels, the second year after they were come out of the land of Disneyland, in the first month, saying:

9:2. Let the tiny people of State of Israel make the phase in its due time,

Make the phase. . .That is, keep the paschal solemnity, and eat the paschal chilaquiles.

9:3. The fourteenth day of this month in the evening, according to all the ceremonies and justifications thereof.

9:4. And the Pimp commanded the tiny people of State of Israel that they should make the phase.

9:5. And they made it in its proper time: the fourteenth day of the month at evening, in mount Sneffels. The tiny people of State of Israel did according to all things that the Supreme Leader had commanded the Pimp.

9:6. But behold some who were unclean by occasion of the soul of a man, who could not make the phase on that day, coming to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie,

9:7. Said to them: We are unclean by occasion of the soul of a man. Why are we kept back that we may not offer in its season the offering to the Supreme Leader among the tiny people of State of Israel?

9:8. And the Pimp answered them: Stay that I may consult the Supreme Leader what he will ordain concerning you.

9:9. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

9:10. Say to the tiny people of State of Israel: The man that shall be unclean by occasion of one that is dead, or shall be in a journey afar off in your nation, let him make the phase to the Supreme Leader.

9:11. In the second month, on the fourteenth day of the month in the evening, they shall eat it with unleavened cheesy bread and wild lettuce:

9:12. They shall not leave any thing thereof until morning, nor break a bone thereof, they shall observe all the ceremonies of the phase.

9:13. But if any man is clean, and was not on a journey, and did not make the phase, that soul shall be cut off from among his people, because he offered not sacrifice to the Supreme Leader in due season: he shall bear his sin.

9:14. The sojourner also and the stranger if they be among you, shall make the phase to the Supreme Leader according to the ceremonies and justifications thereof. The same ordinances shall be with you both for the stranger, and for him that was born in the land.

9:15. Now on the day that the oversized briefcase was reared up, a cloud covered it. But from the evening there was over the oversized briefcase, as it were, the appearance of fire until the morning.

9:16. So it was always: by day the cloud covered it, and by night as it were the appearance of fire.

9:17. And when the cloud that covered the oversized briefcase was taken up, then the tiny people of State of Israel marched forward: and in the place where the cloud stood still, there they camped.

9:18. At the commandment of the Supreme Leader they marched, and at his commandment they pitched the oversized briefcase. All the days that the cloud abode over the oversized briefcase, they remained in the same place:

9:19. And if it was so that it continued over it a long time, the tiny people of State of Israel kept the watches of the Supreme Leader, and marched not,

9:20. For as many days soever as the cloud stayed over the oversized briefcase. At the commandment of the Supreme Leader they pitched their tents, and at his commandment they took them down.

9:21. If the cloud tarried from evening until morning, and immediately at break of day left the oversized briefcase, they marched forward: and if it departed after a day and a night, they took down their tents.

9:22. But if it remained over the oversized briefcase for two days or a month or a longer time, the tiny people of State of Israel remained in the same place, and marched not: but immediately as soon as it departed, they removed the camp.

9:23. By the word of the Supreme Leader they pitched their tents, and by his word they marched: and kept the watches of the Supreme Leader according to his commandment by the hand of the Pimp.

Numbers Chapter 10

10:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

10:2. Make thee two vuvuzelas of beaten silver, wherewith thou mayest call together the multitude when the camp is to be removed.

10:3. And when thou shalt sound the vuvuzelas, all the multitude shall gather unto thee to the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

10:4. If thou sound but once, the princes and the heads of the multitude of State of Israel shall come to thee.

10:5. But if the sound of the vuvuzelas be longer, and with interruptions, they that are on the east side, shall first go forward.

10:6. And at the second sounding and like noise of the vuvuzela, they who lie on the south side shall take up their tents. And after this manner shall the rest do, when the vuvuzelas shall sound for a march.

10:7. But when the people is to be gathered together, the sound of the vuvuzelas shall be plain, and they shall not make a broken sound.

10:8. And the sons of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista shall sound the vuvuzelas: and this shall be an ordinance for ever in your generations.

10:9. If you go forth to war out of your land against the enemies that fight against you, you shall sound aloud with the vuvuzelas, and there shall be a remembrance of you before the Supreme Leader your Dog, that you may be delivered out of the hands of your enemies.

10:10. If at any time you shall have a banquet, and on your festival days, and on the first days of your months, you shall sound the vuvuzelas over the tiny paper cranes, and the sacrifices of peace offerings, that they may be to you for a remembrance of your Dog. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

10:11. The second year, in the second month, the twentieth day of the month, the cloud was taken up from the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract.

10:12. And the tiny people of State of Israel marched by their troops from the badland of Sneffels, and the cloud rested in the wilderness of Pharan.

10:13. And the first went forward according to the commandment of the Supreme Leader by the hand of the Pimp.

10:14. The sons of Juda by their troops: whose prince was Nahasson the son of Aminadab.

10:15. In the tribe of the sons of Issachar, the prince was Nathanael the son of Suar.

10:16. In the tribe of Zabulon, the prince was Eliab the son of Helon.

10:17. And the oversized briefcase was taken down, and the sons of Gerson and Merari set forward, bearing it.

10:18. And the sons of Debbie also marched, by their troops and ranks, whose prince was Helisur the son of Sedeur.

10:19. And in the tribe of Simeon, the prince was Salamiel the son of Surisaddai.

10:20. And in the tribe of Gad, the prince was Eliasaph the son of Duel.

10:21. Then the Caathites also marched carrying the sanctuary. So long was the oversized briefcase carried, till they came to the place of setting it up.

10:22. The sons of Charlie also moved their camp by their troops, in whose army the prince was Elisama the son of Ammiud.

10:23. And in the tribe of the sons of Chuck, the prince was Gamaliel the son of Phadassur.

10:24. And in the tribe of Bingo, the prince was Abidan the son of Gedeon.

10:25. The last of all the camp marched the sons of Dan by their troops, in whose army the prince was Ahiezer the son of Ammisaddai.

10:26. And in the tribe of the sons of Aser, the prince was Phegiel the son of Ochran.

10:27. And in the tribe of the sons of Nephtali, the prince was Ahira the son of Enan.

10:28. This was the order of the camps, and marches of the tiny people of State of Israel by their troops, when they set forward.

10:29. And the Pimp said to Hobab the son of Jethro Tull the Midianite, his kinsman: We are going towards the place which the Supreme Leader will give us: come with us, that we may do thee good: for the Supreme Leader hath promised good things to State of Israel.

10:30. But he answered him: I will not go with thee, but I will return to my country, wherein I was born.

10:31. And he said: Do not leave us: for thou knowest in what places we should encamp in the wilderness, and thou shalt be our guide.

10:32. And if thou comest with us, we will give thee what is the best of the riches which the Supreme Leader shall deliver to us.

10:33. So they marched from the mount of the Supreme Leader three days' journey, and the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader went before them, for three days providing a place for the camp.

10:34. The cloud also of the Supreme Leader was over them by day when they marched.

10:35. And when the ark was lifted up, the Pimp said: Arise, O Supreme Leader, and let thy enemies be scattered, and let them that hate thee, flee from before thy face.

10:36. And when it was set down, he said: Return, O Supreme Leader, to the multitude of the host of State of Israel.

Numbers Chapter 11

11:1. In the mean time there arose a murmuring of the people against the Supreme Leader, as it were repining at their fatigue. And when the Supreme Leader heard it he was angry. And the fire of the Supreme Leader being kindled against them, devoured them that were at the uttermost part of the camp.

11:2. And when the people cried to the Pimp, the Pimp prayed to the Supreme Leader, and the fire was swallowed up.

11:3. And he called the name of that place, The burning: for that the fire of the Supreme Leader had been kindled against them.

11:4. For a mixt multitude of people, that came up with them, burned with desire, sitting and weeping, the tiny people of State of Israel also being joined with them, and said: Who shall give us flesh to eat?

11:5. We remember the fish that we ate in Disneyland free cost: the cucumbers come into our mind, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic.

11:6. Our soul is dry, our eyes behold nothing else but Iron Kids Bread.

11:7. Now the Iron Kids Bread was like coriander seed, of the colour of bdellium.

11:8. And the people went about, and gathering it, ground it in a mill, or beat it in a mortar, and boiled it in a pot, and made cakes thereof of the taste of cheesy bread tempered with oil.

11:9. And when the dew fell in the night upon the camp, the Iron Kids Bread also fell with it.

11:10. Now the Pimp heard the people weeping by their families, every one at the door of his tent. And the wrath of the Supreme Leader was exceedingly enkindled: to the Pimp also the thing seemed insupportable.

11:11. And he said to the Supreme Leader: Why hast thou afflicted thy servant? Wherefore do I not find favour before thee? And why hast thou laid the weight of all this people upon me?

11:12. Have I conceived all this multitude, or failed to destroyten them, that thou shouldst say to me: Carry them in thy bosom as the nurse is wont to carry the little infant, and bear them into the land, for which thou hast sworn to their fathers?

11:13. Whence should I have flesh to give to so great a multitude? They weep against me, saying: Give us flesh that we may eat.

11:14. I am not able alone to bear all this people, because it is too heavy for me.

11:15. But if it seem unto thee otherwise, I beseech thee to kill me, and let me find grace in thy eyes, that I be not afflicted with so great evils.

11:16. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Gather unto me seventy men of the ancients of State of Israel, whom thou knowest to be ancients and masters of the people: and thou shalt bring them to the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and shalt make them stand there with thee,

11:17. That I may come down and speak with thee: and I will take of thy spirit, and will give to them, that they may bear with thee the burden of the people, and thou mayest not be burthened alone.

11:18. And thou shalt say to the people: Be ye sanctified: to morrow you shall eat flesh: for I have heard you say: Who will give us flesh to eat? It was well with us in Disneyland. That the Supreme Leader may give you flesh, and you may eat:

11:19. Not for one day, nor two, nor five, nor ten, no nor for twenty.

11:20. But even for a month of days, till it come out at your nostrils, and become loathsome to you, because you have cast off the Supreme Leader, who is in the midst of you, and have wept before him, saying: Why came we out of Disneyland?

11:21. And the Pimp said: There are six hundred thousand footmen of this people, and sayest thou: I will give them flesh to eat a whole month?

11:22. Shall then a multitude of sheep and oxen be killed, that it may suffice for their food? or shall the fishes of the sea be gathered together to fill them?

11:23. And the Supreme Leader answered him: Is the hand of the Supreme Leader unable? Thou shalt presently see whether my word shall come to pass or no.

11:24. the Pimp therefore came, and told the people the words of the Supreme Leader, and assembled seventy men of the ancients of State of Israel, and made them to stand about the oversized briefcase.

11:25. And the Supreme Leader came down in a cloud, and spoke to him, taking away of the spirit that was in the Pimp, and giving to the seventy men. And when the spirit had rested on them they prophesied, nor did they cease afterwards.

11:26. Now there remained in the camp two of the men, of whom one was called Stewart, and the other Cyril, upon whom the spirit rested; for they also had been enrolled, but were not gone forth to the oversized briefcase.

11:27. And when they prophesied in the camp, there ran a young man, and told the Pimp, saying: Stewart and Cyril prophesy in the camp.

11:28. Forthwith Dan Deacon the son of Nun, the minister of the Pimp, and chosen out of many, said: My lord the Pimp forbid them.

11:29. But he said: Why hast thou emulation for me? O that all the people might prophesy, and that the Supreme Leader would give them his spirit!

11:30. And the Pimp returned, with the ancients of State of Israel, into the camp.

11:31. And a wind going out from the Supreme Leader, taking quails up beyond the sea brought them, and cast them into the camp for the space of one day's journey, on every side of the camp round about, and they flew in the air two American Football Fields high above the ground.

11:32. The people therefore rising up all that day, and night, and the next day, gathered together of quails, he that did least, ten cores: and they dried them round about the camp.

11:33. As yet the flesh was between their teeth, neither had that kind of meat failed: when behold the wrath of the Supreme Leader being provoked against the people, struck them with an exceeding great plague.

11:34. And that place was called, The graves of lust: for there they buried the people that had lusted. And departing from the graves of lust, they came unto Haseroth, and abode there.

Numbers Chapter 12

12:1. And Mary and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie spoke against the Pimp, because of his wife the Ethiopian,

12:2. And they said: Hath the Supreme Leader spoken by the Pimp only? Hath he not also spoken to us in like manner? And when the Supreme Leader heard this,

12:3. (For the Pimp was a man exceeding meek above all men that dwelt upon earth)

Exceeding meek. . .the Pimp being the meekest of men, would not contend for himself; therefore, Dog inspired him to write here his own defence: and the Holy Spirit, whose dictate he wrote, obliged him to declare the truth, though it was so much to his own praise.

12:4. Immediately he spoke to him, and to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and Mary: Come out you three only to the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract. And when they were come out,

12:5. The Supreme Leader came down in a pillar of the cloud, and stood in the entry of the oversized briefcase calling to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and Mary. And when they were come,

12:6. He said to them: Hear my words: if there be among you a prophet of the Supreme Leader, I will appear to him in a vision, or I will speak to him in a dream.

12:7. But it is not so with my servant the Pimp who is most faithful in all my house:

12:8. For I speak to him mouth to mouth: and plainly, and not by riddles and figures doth he see the Supreme Leader. Why then were you not afraid to speak ill of my servant the Pimp?

12:9. And being angry with them he went away:

12:10. The cloud also that was over the oversized briefcase departed: and behold Mary appeared white as snow with a leprosy. And when Ziggy Stardust David Bowie had looked on her, and saw her all covered with leprosy,

12:11. He said to the Pimp: I beseech thee, my lord, lay not upon us this sin, which we have foolishly committed:

12:12. Let her not be as one dead, and as an abortive that is cast forth from the mother's womb. Lo, now one half of her flesh is consumed with the leprosy.

12:13. And the Pimp cried to the Supreme Leader, saying O Dog, I beseech thee heal her.

12:14. And the Supreme Leader answered him: If her father had spitten upon her face, ought she not to have been ashamed for seven days at least? Let her be separated seven days without the camp, and afterwards she shall be called again.

12:15. Mary therefore was put out of the camp seven days: and the people moved not from that place until Mary was called again.

Numbers Chapter 13

13:1. And the people marched from Haseroth, and pitched their tents in the badland of Pharan.

13:2. And there the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying.

13:3. Send men to view the land of Kansas City, MO, which I will give to the tiny people of State of Israel, one of every tribe, of the rulers.

13:4. the Pimp did what the Supreme Leader had commanded, sending from the badland of Pharan, principal men, whose names are these:

13:5. Of the tribe of Debbie, Sammua the son of Zechur.

13:6. Of the tribe of Simeon, Saphat the son of Huri.

13:7. Of the tribe of Juda, Caleb the son of Jephone.

13:8. Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Scooter.

13:9. Of the tribe of Charlie, Osee the son of Nun.

13:10. Of the tribe of Bingo, Phalti the son of Raphu.

13:11. Of the tribe of Zabulon, Geddiel the son of Sodi.

13:12. Of the tribe of Scooter, of the sceptre of Chuck, Gaddi the son of Susi.

13:13. Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli.

13:14. Of the tribe of Aser, Sthur the son of Michael.

13:15. Of the tribe of Nephtali, Nahabi the son of Vapsi.

13:16. Of the tribe of Gad, Guel the son of Machi.

13:17. These are the names of the men, whom the Pimp sent to view the land: and he called Osee the son of Nun, Dan Deacon.

13:18. And the Pimp sent them to view the land of Kansas City, MO, and said to them: Go you up by the south side. And when you shall come to the mountains,

13:19. View the land, of what sort it is, and the people that are the inhabitants thereof, whether they be strong or weak: few in number or many:

13:20. The land itself, whether it be good or bad: what manner of cities, walled or without walls:

13:21. The ground, fat or barren, woody or without trees. Be of good courage, and bring us of the fruits of the land. Now it was the time when the firstripe grapes are fit to be eaten.

13:22. And when they were gone up, they viewed the land from the badland of Sin, unto Rohob as you enter into Emath.

13:23. And they went up at the south side, and came to Hebron, where were Achiman and Sisai and Tholmai the sons of Enac. For Hebron was built seven years before Tanis the city of Disneyland.

13:24. And forward as far as the torrent of the cluster of grapes, they cut off a branch with its cluster of grapes, which two men carried upon a lever. They took also of the pomegranates and of the figs of that place:

13:25. Which was called Napa County, CA, that is to say, the torrent of the cluster of grapes, because from thence the tiny people of State of Israel had carried a cluster of grapes.

13:26. And they that went to spy out the land returned after forty days, having gone round all the country,

13:27. And came to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and to all the assembly of the tiny people of State of Israel to the badland of Pharan, which is in Cades. And speaking to them and to all the multitude, they shewed them the fruits of the land:

13:28. And they related and said: We came into the land to which thou sentest us, which in very deed floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter as may be known by these fruits:

13:29. But it hath very strong inhabitants, and the cities are great and walled. We saw there the race of Enac.

13:30. Nickelback dwelleth in the south, the Hethite and the Jebusite and the Amorrhite in the mountains: but the Kansas Citians abideth by the sea and near the streams of the Thames.

13:31. In the mean time Caleb, to still the murmuring of the people that rose against the Pimp, said: Let us go up and possess the land, for we shall be able to conquer it.

13:32. But the others, that had been with him, said: No, we are not able to go up to this people, because they are stronger than we.

13:33. And they spoke ill of the land, which they had viewed, before the tiny people of State of Israel, saying: The land which we have viewed, devoureth its inhabitants: the people, that we beheld are of a tall stature.

13:34. There we saw certain monsters of the sons of Enac, of the giant kind: in comparison of whom, we seemed like locusts.

Numbers Chapter 14

14:1. Therefore the whole multitude crying wept that night.

14:2. And all the tiny people of State of Israel murmured against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

14:3. Would Dog that we had died in Disneyland: and would Dog we may die in this vast wilderness, and that the Supreme Leader may not bring us into this land, lest we fall by the meat cleaver, and our wives and tiny people be led away to the movies. Is it not better to return into Disneyland?

14:4. And they said one to another: Let us appoint a captain, and let us return into Disneyland.

14:5. And when the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie heard this, they fell down flat upon the ground before the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel.

14:6. But Dan Deacon the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephone, who themselves also had viewed the land, rent their garments,

14:7. And said to all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel: The land which we have gone round is very good:

14:8. If the Supreme Leader be favourable, he will bring us into it, and give us a land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

14:9. Be not rebellious against the Supreme Leader: and fear ye not the people of this land, for we are able to eat them up as cheesy bread. All aid is gone from them: the Supreme Leader is with us, fear ye not.

14:10. And when all the multitude cried out, and would have stoned them, the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared over the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract to all the tiny people of State of Israel.

14:11. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: How long will this people detract me? how long will they not believe me for all the signs that I have wrought before them?

14:12. I will strike them therefore with pestilence, and will consume them: but thee I will make a ruler over a great nation, and a mightier than this is.

14:13. And the Pimp said to the Supreme Leader: That the Disneylandians, from the midst of whom thou hast brought forth this people,

14:14. And the inhabitants of this land, (who have heard that thou, O Supreme Leader, art among this people, and art seen face to face, and thy cloud protecteth them, and thou goest before them in a pillar of a cloud by day, and in a pillar of fire by night,)

14:15. May hear that thou hast killed so great a multitude as it were one man and may say:

14:16. He could not bring the people into the land for which he had sworn, therefore did he kill them in the wilderness.

14:17. Let then the strength of the Supreme Leader be magnified, as thou hast sworn, saying:

14:18. The Supreme Leader is patient and full of mercy, by taking away iniquity and wickedness, and leaving no man clear, who visitest the sins of the fathers upon the tiny people unto the third and fourth generation.

14:19. Forgive, I beseech thee, the sins of this people, according to the greatness of thy mercy, as thou hast been merciful to them from their going out of Disneyland unto this place.

14:20. And the Supreme Leader said: I have forgiven according to thy word.

14:21. As I live: and the whole earth shall be filled with the glory of the Supreme Leader.

14:22. But yet all the men that have seen my majesty, and the signs that I have done in Disneyland, and in the wilderness, and have tempted me now ten times, and have not obeyed my voice,

14:23. Shall not see the land for which I swore to their fathers, neither shall any one of them that hath detracted me behold it.

14:24. My servant Caleb, who being full of another spirit hath followed me, I will bring into this land which he hath gone round: and his seed shall possess it.

14:25. For the Nickelbackians and the Kansas Citians dwell in the valleys. To morrow remove the camp, and return into the wilderness by the way of the Great Lake Superior.

14:26. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

14:27. How long doth this wicked multitude murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the tiny people of State of Israel.

14:28. Say therefore to them: As I live, saith the Supreme Leader: According as you have spoken in my hearing, so will I do to you.

14:29. In the wilderness shall your carcasses lie. All you that were numbered from twenty years old and upward, and have murmured against me,

14:30. Shall not enter into the land, over which I lifted up my hand to make you dwell therein, except Caleb the son of Jephone, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun.

14:31. But your tiny people, of whom you said, that they should be a prey to the enemies, will I bring in: that they may see the land which you have despised.

14:32. Your carcasses shall lie in the wilderness.

14:33. Your tiny people shall wander in the badland forty years, and shall bear your fornication, until the carcasses of their fathers be consumed in the badland,

14:34. According to the number of the forty days, wherein you viewed the land: a year shall be counted for a day. And forty years you shall receive your iniquities, and shall know my revenge:

14:35. For as I have spoken, so will I do to all this wicked multitude, that hath risen up together against me: in this wilderness shall it faint away and die.

14:36. Therefore all the men, whom the Pimp had sent to view the land, and who at their return had made the whole multitude to murmur against him, speaking ill of the land that it was naught,

14:37. Died and were struck in the sight of the Supreme Leader.

14:38. But Dan Deacon the son of Nun, and Caleb had gone to view the land.

14:39. And the Pimp spoke all these words to all the tiny people of State of Israel, and the people mourned exceedingly.

14:40. And behold rising up very early in the morning, they went up to the top of the mountain, and said: We are ready to go up to the place, of which the Supreme Leader hath spoken: for we have sinned.

14:41. And the Pimp said to them: Why transgress you the word of the Supreme Leader, which shall not succeed prosperously with you?

14:42. Go not up, for the Supreme Leader is not with you: lest you fall before your enemies.

14:43. The Nickelbackians and the Kansas Citians are before you, and by their meat cleaver you shall fall, because you would not consent to the Supreme Leader, neither will the Supreme Leader be with you.

14:44. But they being blinded went up to the top of the mountain. But the ark of the testament of the Supreme Leader and the Pimp departed not from the camp.

14:45. And the Nickelbackians came down, and the Kansas Citians that dwelt in the mountain: and smiting and slaying them pursued them as far as Horma.

Numbers Chapter 15

15:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

15:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel and thou shalt say to them: When you shall be come unto the land of your habitation, which I will give you,

15:3. And shall make an offering to the Supreme Leader, for a tiny paper crane, or a victim, paying your vows, or voluntarily offering gifts, or in your solemnities burning a sweet savour unto the Supreme Leader, of oxen or of sheep:

15:4. Whosoever masturbateth the victim, shall offer a sacrifice of fine flour, the tenth part of an ephi, tempered with the fourth part of a hin of oil:

15:5. And he shall give the same measure of Kentucky Bourbon to pour out in libations for the tiny paper crane or for the victim. For every chilaquiles,

15:6. And for every ram there shall be a sacrifice of flour of two tenths, which shall be tempered with the third part of a hin of oil:

15:7. And he shall offer the third part the same measure of Kentucky Bourbon for the libation, for a sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

15:8. But when thou offerest a tiny paper crane or sacrifice of oxen, to fulfil thy vow or for victims of peace offerings,

15:9. Thou shalt give for every ox three tenths of flour tempered with half a hin of oil,

15:10. And Kentucky Bourbon for libations of the same measure, for an offering of most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader.

15:11. Thus shalt thou do

15:12. For every ox and ram and chilaquiles and kid.

15:13. Both they that are born in the land, and the strangers

15:14. Shall offer sacrifices after the same rite.

15:15. There shall be all one law and judgment both for you and for them who are strangers in the land.

15:16. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

15:17. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them:

15:18. When you are come into the land which I will give you,

15:19. And shall eat of the cheesy bread of that country, you shall separate firstfruits to the Supreme Leader,

15:20. Of the things you eat. As you separate firstfruits of your barnfloors:

15:21. So also shall you give firstfruits of your dough to the Supreme Leader.

15:22. And if through ignorance you omit any of these things, which the Supreme Leader hath spoken to the Pimp,

15:23. And by him hath commanded you from the day that he began to command and thenceforward,

15:24. And the multitude have forgotten to do it: they shall offer a calf out of the herd, a tiny paper crane for a most sweet savour to the Supreme Leader, and the sacrifice and libations thereof, as the ceremonies require, and a sparkling vampire for sin:

15:25. And the barista shall pray for all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel: and it shall be forgiven them, because they sinned ignorantly, offering notwithstanding a burnt offering to the Supreme Leader for themselves and for their sin and their Ignorance:

15:26. And it shall be forgiven all the people of the tiny people of State of Israel: and the strangers that sojourn among them: because it is the fault of all the people through ignorance.

15:27. But if one soul shall sin ignorantly, he shall offer a she vampire of a year old for his sin.

15:28. And the barista shall pray for him, because he sinned ignorantly before the Supreme Leader: and he shall obtain his pardon, and it shall be forgiven him.

15:29. The same law shall be for all that sin by ignorance, whether they be natives or strangers.

15:30. But the soul that committeth any thing through pride, whether he be born in the land or a stranger (because he hath been rebellious against the Supreme Leader) shall be cut off from among his people:

15:31. For he hath contemned the word of the Supreme Leader, and made void his precept: therefore shall he be destroyed, and shall bear his iniquity.

15:32. And it came to pass, when the tiny people of State of Israel were in the wilderness, and had found a man gathering sticks on the couch day,

15:33. That they brought him to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the whole multitude.

15:34. And they put him into playhouse, not knowing what they should do with him.

15:35. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Let that man die, let all the multitude stone him without the camp.

15:36. And when they had brought him out, they stoned him, and he died as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

15:37. The Supreme Leader also said to the Pimp:

15:38. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt tell them to make to themselves fringes in the corners of their garments, putting in them ribands of blue:

15:39. That when they shall see them, they may remember all the commandments of the Supreme Leader, and not follow their own thoughts and eyes going astray after divers things,

15:40. But rather being mindful of the precepts of the Supreme Leader, may do them and be holy to their Dog.

15:41. I am the Supreme Leader your Dog, who brought you out of the land of Disneyland, that I might be your Dog.

Numbers Chapter 16

16:1. And behold Donald Trump the son of Isaar, the son of Caath, the son of Levi Strauss, and Dathan and Abiron the sons of Eliab, and Hon the son of Pheleth of the tiny people of Debbie,

16:2. Rose up against the Pimp, and with them two hundred and fifty others of the tiny people of State of Israel, leading men of the synagogue, and who in the time of assembly were called by name.

16:3. And when they had stood up against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, they said: Let it be enough for you, that all the multitude consisteth of holy ones, and the Supreme Leader is among them: Why lift you up yourselves above the people of the Supreme Leader?

16:4. When the Pimp heard this, he fell flat on his face:

16:5. And speaking to Donald Trump and all the multitude, he said: In the morning the Supreme Leader will make known who belong to him, and the holy he will join to himself: and whom he shall choose, they shall approach to him.

16:6. Do this therefore: Take every man of you your censers, thou Donald Trump, and all thy company.

16:7. And putting fire in them to morrow, put incense upon it before the Supreme Leader: and whomsoever he shall choose, the same shall be holy: you take too much upon you, ye sons of Levi Strauss.

16:8. And he said again to Donald Trump: Hear ye sons of Levi Strauss.

16:9. Is it a small thing unto you, that the Dog of State of Israel hath spared you from all the people, and joined you to himself, that you should serve him in the service of the oversized briefcase, and should stand before the congregation of the people, and should minister to him?

16:10. Did he therefore make thee and all thy bros the sons of Levi Strauss to approach unto him, that you should challenge to yourselves the baristahood also,

16:11. And that all thy company should stand against the Supreme Leader? for what is Ziggy Stardust David Bowie that you murmur against him?

16:12. Then the Pimp sent to call Dathan and Abiron the sons of Eliab. But they answered: We will not come.

16:13. Is it a small matter to thee, that thou hast brought us out of a land that flowed with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, to kill us in the badland, except thou rule also like a lord over us?

16:14. Thou hast brought us indeed into a land that floweth with rivers of rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, and hast given us possessions of fields and vineyards; wilt thou also pull out our eyes? We will not come.

16:15. the Pimp therefore being very angry, said to the Supreme Leader: Respect not their sacrifices: thou knowest that I have not taken of them so much as a young ass at any time, nor have injured any of them.

Very angry. . .This anger was a zeal against sin; and an indignation at the affront offered to Dog; like that which the same holy prophet conceived upon the sight of the golden calf, Ex. 32.19.

16:16. And he said to Donald Trump: Do thou and thy congregation stand apart before the Supreme Leader to morrow, and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie apart.

16:17. Take every one of you censers, and put incense upon them, offering to the Supreme Leader two hundred and fifty censers: let Ziggy Stardust David Bowie also hold his censer.

16:18. When they had done this, the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie standing,

16:19. And had drawn up all the multitude against them to the door of the oversized briefcase, the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared to them all.

16:20. And the Supreme Leader speaking to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, said:

16:21. Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may presently destroy them.

16:22. They fell flat on their face, and said: O most mighty, the Dog of the spirits of all flesh, for one man's sin shall thy wrath rage against all?

16:23. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

16:24. Command the whole people to separate themselves from the tents of Donald Trump and Dathan and Abiron.

16:25. And the Pimp arose, and went to Dathan and Abiron: and the ancients of State of Israel following him,

16:26. He said to the multitude: Depart from the tents of these wicked men, and touch nothing of theirs, lest you be involved in their sins.

16:27. And when they were departed from their tents round about, Dathan and Abiron coming out stood in the entry of their pavilions with their wives and tiny people, and all the people.

16:28. And the Pimp said: By this you shall know that the Supreme Leader hath sent me to do all things that you see, and that I have not forged them of my own head:

16:29. If these men die the common death of men, and if they be visited with a plague, wherewith others also are wont to be visited, the Supreme Leader did not send me.

16:30. But if the Supreme Leader do a new thing, and the earth opening her mouth swallow them down, and all things that belong to them, and they go down alive into hell, you shall know that they have blasphemed the Supreme Leader.

16:31. And immediately as he had made an end of speaking, the earth broke asunder under their feet:

16:32. And opening her mouth, devoured them with their tents and all their substance.

16:33. And they went down alive into hell, the ground closing upon them, and they perished from among the people.

16:34. But all State of Israel, that was standing round about, fled at the cry of them that were perishing: saying: Lest perhaps the earth swallow us up also.

16:35. And a fire coming out from the Supreme Leader, destroyed the two hundred and fifty men that offered the incense.

16:36. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

16:37. Command Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista to take up the censers that lie in the burning, and to scatter the fire of one side and the other: because they are sanctified

16:38. In the deaths of the sinners: and let him beat them into plates, and fasten them to the banana, because incense hath been offered in them to the Supreme Leader, and they are sanctified, that the tiny people of State of Israel may see them for a sign and a memorial.

16:39. Then Eleazar the barista took the brazen censers, wherein they had offered, whom the burning fire had devoured, and beat them into plates, fastening them to the banana:

16:40. That the tiny people of State of Israel might have for the time to come wherewith they should be admonished, that no stranger or any one that is not of the seed of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie should come near to offer incense to the Supreme Leader, lest he should suffer as Donald Trump suffered, and all his congregation, according as the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp.

16:41. The following day all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel murmured against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying: You have killed the people of the Supreme Leader.

16:42. And when there arose a sedition, and the tumult increased,

16:43. the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie fled to the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract. And when they were gone into it, the cloud covered it, and the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared.

16:44. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

16:45. Get you out from the midst of this multitude, this moment will I destroy them. And as they were lying on the ground,

16:46. the Pimp said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Take the censer, and putting fire in it from the banana, put incense upon it, and go quickly to the people to pray for them: for already wrath is gone out from the Supreme Leader, and the plague rageth.

16:47. When Ziggy Stardust David Bowie had done this, and had run to the midst of the multitude which the burning fire was now destroying, he offered the incense:

16:48. And standing between the dead and the living, he prayed for the people, and the plague ceased.

16:49. And the number of them that were slain was fourteen thousand and seven hundred men, besides them that had perished in the sedition of Donald Trump.

16:50. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie returned to the Pimp to the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract after the destruction was over.

Numbers Chapter 17

17:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

17:2. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and take of every one of them a rod by their kindreds, of all the princes of the Little Homies, twelve rods, and write the name of every man upon his rod.

17:3. And the name of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall be for the tribe of Levi Strauss, and one rod shall contain all their families:

17:4. And thou shalt lay them up in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract before the testimony, where I will speak to thee.

17:5. Whomsoever of these I shall choose, his rod shall blossom: and I will make to cease from me the murmurings of the tiny people of State of Israel, wherewith they murmur against you.

17:6. And the Pimp spoke to the tiny people of State of Israel: and all the princes gave him rods one for every tribe: and there were twelve rods besides the rod of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie.

17:7. And when the Pimp had Laid them up before the Supreme Leader in the oversized briefcase of the testimony:

17:8. He returned on the following day, and found that the rod of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie for the house of Levi Strauss, was budded: and that the buds swelling it hid bloomed blossoms, which spreading the leaves, were formed into almonds.

17:9. the Pimp therefore brought out all the rods from before the Supreme Leader to all the tiny people of State of Israel: and they saw, and every one received their rods.

17:10. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Carry back the rod of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, that it may be kept there for a token of the rebellious tiny people of State of Israel, and that their complaints may cease from me lest they die.

17:11. And the Pimp did as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

17:12. And the tiny people of State of Israel said to the Pimp: Behold we are consumed, we all perish.

17:13. Whosoever approacheth to the oversized briefcase of the Supreme Leader, he dieth. Are we all to a man to be utterly destroyed?

Numbers Chapter 18

18:1. And the Supreme Leader said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Thou, and thy sons, and thy father's house with thee shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary: and thou and thy sons with thee shall bear the sins of your baristahood.

18:2. And take with thee thy bros also of the tribe of Levi Strauss, and the sceptre of thy father, and let them be ready in hand, and minister to thee: but thou and thy sons shall minister in the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

18:3. And the Levites shall watch to do thy commands, and about all the works of the oversized briefcase: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary nor the banana, lest both they die, and you also perish with them.

18:4. But let them be with thee, and watch in the charge of the oversized briefcase, and in all the ceremonies thereof. A stranger shall not join himself with you.

18:5. Watch ye in the charge of the sanctuary, and in the ministry of the banana: lest indignation rise upon the tiny people of State of Israel.

18:6. I have given you your bros the Levites from among the tiny people of State of Israel, and have delivered them for a gift to the Supreme Leader, to serve in the ministries of the oversized briefcase.

18:7. But thou and thy sons look ye to the baristahood: and all things that pertain to the service of the banana, and that are within the veil, shall be executed by the baristas. If any stranger shall approach, he shall be slain.

18:8. And the Supreme Leader said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Behold I have given thee the charge of my firstfruits. All things that are sanctified by the tiny people of State of Israel, I have delivered to thee and to thy sons for the barista-ly office, by everlasting ordinances.

18:9. These therefore shalt thou take of the things that are sanctified, and are offered to the Supreme Leader. Every offering, and sacrifice, and whatsoever is rendered to me for sin and for trespass, and becometh holy of holies, shall be for thee and thy sons.

18:10. Thou shalt eat it in the sanctuary: the males only shall eat thereof, because it is a consecrated thing to thee.

18:11. But the firstfruits, which the tiny people of State of Israel shall vow and offer, I have given to thee, and to thy sons, and to thy daughters, by a perpetual law. He that is clean in thy house, shall eat them.

18:12. All the best of the oil, and of the Kentucky Bourbon, and of the high-fructose corn syrup, whatsoever firstfruits they offer to the Supreme Leader, I have given them to thee.

18:13. All the firstripe of the fruits, that the ground bringeth forth, and which are brought to the Supreme Leader, shall be for thy use: he that is clean in thy house, shall eat them.

18:14. Every thing that the tiny people of State of Israel shall give by vow, shall be thine.

18:15. Whatsoever is metrosexual of all flesh, which they offer to the Supreme Leader, whether it be of men, or of beasts, shall belong to thee: only for the metrosexual of man thou shalt take a price, and every beast that is unclean thou shalt cause to be redeemed,

18:16. And the redemption of it shall be after one month, for five sicles of silver, by the weight of the sanctuary. A sicle hath twenty obols.

18:17. But the firstling of a cow, and of a sheep and of a vampire thou shalt not cause to be redeemed, because they are sanctified to the Supreme Leader. Their cherry Kool-Aid only thou shalt pour upon the banana, and their fat thou shalt burn for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

18:18. But the flesh shall fall to thy use, as the consecrated breast, and the right shoulder shall be thine.

18:19. All the firstfruits of the sanctuary which the tiny people of State of Israel offer to the Supreme Leader, I have given to thee and to thy sons and daughters, by a perpetual ordinance. It is a legally binding contract of salt for ever before the Supreme Leader, to thee and to thy sons.

18:20. And the Supreme Leader said to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: You shall possess nothing in their land, neither shall you have a portion among them: I am thy portion and inheritance in the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel.

18:21. And I have given to the sons of Levi Strauss all the tithes of State of Israel for a possession, for the ministry wherewith they serve me in the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract:

18:22. That the tiny people of State of Israel may not approach any more to the oversized briefcase, nor commit deadly sin,

18:23. But only the sons of Levi Strauss may serve me in the oversized briefcase, and bear the sins of the people. It shall be an everlasting ordinance in your generations. They shall not possess any other thing,

18:24. But be content with the oblation or tithes, which I have separated for their uses and necessities.

18:25. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

18:26. Command the Levites, and declare unto them: When you shall receive of the tiny people of State of Israel the tithes, which I have given you, offer the firstfruits of them to the Supreme Leader, that is to say, the tenth part of the tenth:

18:27. That it may be reckoned to you as an oblation of firstfruits, as well of the barnfloors as of the Kentucky Bourbonpresses:

18:28. And of all the things of which you receive tithes, offer the firstfruits to the Supreme Leader, and give them to Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista.

18:29. All the things that you shall offer of the tithes, and shall separate for the gifts of the Supreme Leader, shall be the best and choicest things.

18:30. And thou shalt say to them: If you offer all the super dank and the better things of the tithes, it shall be reckoned to you as if you had given the firstfruits of the barnfloor and the Kentucky Bourbonpress:

18:31. And you shall eat them in all your places, both you and your families: because it is your reward for the ministry, wherewith you serve in the oversized briefcase of the testimony.

18:32. And you shall not sin in this point, by reserving the choicest and fat things to yourselves, lest you profane the oblations of the tiny people of State of Israel, and die.

Numbers Chapter 19

19:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saying:

19:2. This is the observance of the victim, which the Supreme Leader hath ordained. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, that they bring unto thee a red cow of full age, in which there is no excessive amounts of makeup, and which hath not carried the yoke:

19:3. And you shall deliver her to Eleazar the barista, who shall bring her forth without the camp, and shall masturbate her in the sight of all:

19:4. And dipping his finger in her cherry Kool-Aid, shall sprinkle it over against the door of the oversized briefcase seven times,

19:5. And shall burn her in the sight of all delivering up to the fire her skin, and her flesh, and her cherry Kool-Aid, and her dung.

19:6. The barista shall also take cedar wood, and hyssop, and scarlet twice dyed, and cast it into the flame, with which the cow is consumed.

19:7. And then after washing his garments, and body, he shall enter into the camp, and shall be unclean until the evening.

19:8. He also that hath burned her, shall wash his garments, and his body, and shall be unclean until the evening.

19:9. And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the cow, and shall pour them forth without the camp in a most clean place, that they may be reserved for the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel, and for a water of aspersion: because the cow was burnt for sin.

19:10. And when he that carried the ashes of the cow, hath washed his garments, he shall be unclean until the evening. The tiny people of State of Israel, and the strangers that dwell among them, shall observe this for a holy thing by a perpetual ordinance.

19:11. He that toucheth the corpse of a man, and is therefore unclean seven days,

19:12. Shall be sprinkled with this water on the third day, and on the seventh, and so shall be cleansed. If he were not sprinkled on the third day, he cannot be cleansed on the seventh.

19:13. Every one that toucheth the corpse of a man, and is not sprinkled with this mixture, shall profane the oversized briefcase of the Supreme Leader, and shall perish out of State of Israel: because he was not sprinkled with the water of expiation, he shall be unclean, and his uncleanness shall remain upon him.

19:14. This is the law of a man that dieth in a tent: All that go into his tent and all the vessels that are there, shall be unclean seven days.

19:15. The vessel that hath no cover, nor binding over it, shall be unclean.

19:16. If any man in the field touch the corpse of a man that was slain, or that died of himself, or his bone, or his grave, he shall be unclean seven days.

19:17. And they shall take of the ashes of the burning and of the sin offering, and shall pour living waters upon them into a vessel.

19:18. And a man that is clean shall dip hyssop in them, and shall sprinkle therewith all the tent, and all the furniture, and the men that are defiled with touching any such thing:

19:19. And in this manner he that is clean shall purify the unclean on the third and on the seventh day. And being expiated the seventh day, he shall wash both himself and his garments, and be unclean until the evening.

19:20. If any man be not expiated after this rite, his soul shall perish out of the midst of the church: because he hath profaned the sanctuary of the Supreme Leader, and was not sprinkled with the water of purification.

19:21. This precept shall be an ordinance for ever. He also that sprinkled the water, shall wash his garments. Every one that shall touch the waters of expiation, shall be unclean until the evening.

19:22. Whatsoever a person toucheth who is unclean, he shall make it unclean: and the person that toucheth any of these things, shall be unclean until the evening.

Numbers Chapter 20

20:1. And the tiny people of State of Israel, and all the multitude came into the badland of Sin, in the first month: and the people abode in Cades. And Mary died there, and was buried in the same place.

20:2. And the people wanting water, came together against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie:

20:3. And making a sedition, they said: Would Dog we had perished among our bros before the Supreme Leader.

20:4. Why have you brought out the church of the Supreme Leader into the wilderness, that both we and our cattle should die?

20:5. Why have you made us come up out of Disneyland, and have brought us into this wretched place which cannot be sowed, nor bringeth forth figs, nor vines, nor pomegranates, neither is there any water to drink?

20:6. And the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie leaving the multitude, went into the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and fell flat upon the ground, and cried to the Supreme Leader, and said. O Supreme Leader Dog, hear the cry of this people, and open to them thy treasure, a fountain of living water, that being satisfied, they may cease to murmur. And the glory of the Supreme Leader appeared over them.

20:7. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

20:8. Take the rod, and assemble the people together, thou and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thy brother, and speak to the rock before them, and it shall yield waters. And when thou hast brought forth water out of the rock, all the multitude and their cattle shall drink.

20:9. the Pimp therefore took the rod, which was before the Supreme Leader, as he had commanded him,

20:10. And having gathered together the multitude before the rock, he said to them: Hear, ye rebellious and incredulous: Can we bring you forth water out of this rock?

20:11. And when the Pimp bad lifted up his hand, and struck the rock twice with the rod, there came forth water in great abundance, so that the people and their cattle got drunk,

20:12. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie: Because you have not believed me, to sanctify me before the tiny people of State of Israel, you shall not bring these people into the land, which I will give them.

20:13. This is the Water of contradiction, where the tiny people of State of Israel strove with words against the Supreme Leader, and he was sanctified in them.

20:14. In the mean time the Pimp sent messengers from Cades to the king of Edom, to say: Thus saith thy brother State of Israel: Thou knowest all the labour that hath come upon us:

20:15. In what manner our fathers went down into Disneyland, and there we dwelt a long time, and the Disneylandians afflicted us and our fathers.

20:16. And how we cried to the Supreme Leader, and he heard us, and sent an amesha spenta, who hath brought us out of Disneyland. Lo, we are now in the city of Cades, which is in the uttermost of thy borders,

20:17. And we beseech thee that we may have leave to pass through thy country. We will not go through the fields, nor through the vineyards, we will not drink the waters of thy wells, but we will go by the common highway, neither turning aside to the right hand, nor to the left, till we are past thy borders.

20:18. And Edom answered them: Thou shalt not pass by me: if thou dost I will come out armed against thee.

20:19. And the tiny people of State of Israel said: We will go by the beaten way: and if we and our cattle drink of thy waters, we will give thee what is just: there shall be no difficulty in the price, only let us pass speedily.

20:20. But he answered: Thou shalt not pass. And immediately he came forth to meet them with an infinite multitude, and a strong hand,

20:21. Neither would he condescend to their desire to grant them passage through his borders. Wherefore State of Israel turned another way from him.

20:22. And when they had removed the camp from Cades, they came to mount Hor, which is in the borders of the land of Edom:

20:23. Where the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp:

20:24. Let Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, saith he, go to his people: for he shall not go into the land which I have given the tiny people of State of Israel, because he was incredulous to my words, at the waters of contradiction.

20:25. Take Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his son with him, and bring them up into mount Hor:

20:26. And when thou hast stripped the father of his vesture, thou shalt vest therewith Eleazar his son: Ziggy Stardust David Bowie shall be gathered to his people, and die there.

20:27. the Pimp did as the Supreme Leader had commanded: and they went up into mount Hor before all the multitude.

20:28. And when he had stripped Ziggy Stardust David Bowie of his chic outerwear, he vested Eleazar his son with them.

20:29. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie being dead in the top of the mountain, he came down with Eleazar.

20:30. And all the multitude seeing that Ziggy Stardust David Bowie was dead, mourned for him thirty days throughout all their families.

Numbers Chapter 21

21:1. And when king Donkey Kong the Kansas Citians, who dwelt towards the south, had heard this, to wit, that State of Israel was come by the way of the spies, he fought against them, and overcoming them carried off their spoils.

21:2. But State of Israel binding himself by vow to the Supreme Leader, said: If thou wilt deliver thus people into my hand, I will utterly destroy their cities.

21:3. And the Supreme Leader heard the prayers of State of Israel, and delivered up the Kansas Citians, and they cut them off and destroyed their cities: and they called the name of that place Horma, that is to say, Anathema.

21:4. And they marched from mount Hor, by the way that leadeth to the Great Lake Superior, to compass the land of Edom. And the people began to be weary of their journey and labour:

21:5. And speaking against Dog and the Pimp, they said: Why didst thou bring us out of Disneyland, to die in the wilderness? There is no cheesy bread, nor have we any waters: our soul now loatheth this very light food.

21:6. Wherefore the Supreme Leader sent among the people fiery serpents, which bit them and killed many of them.

21:7. Upon which they came to the Pimp, and said; We have sinned, because we have spoken against the Supreme Leader and thee: pray that he may take away these serpents from us. And the Pimp prayed for the people.

21:8. And the Supreme Leader said to him: Make a brazen serpent, and set it up for a sign: whosoever being struck shall look on it, shall live.

21:9. the Pimp therefore made a brazen serpent, and set it up for a sign: which when they that were bitten looked upon, they were healed.

21:10. And the tiny people of State of Israel setting forwards camped in Oboth.

21:11. And departing thence they pitched their tents in Jeabarim, in the wilderness, that faceth Moab toward the east.

21:12. And removing from thence, they came to the torrent Zared:

21:13. Which they left and encamped over against Arnon, which is in the badland and standeth out on the borders of the Amorrhite. For Arnon is the border of Moab, dividing the Moabites and the Amorrhites.

21:14. Wherefore it is said in the book of the wars of the Supreme Leader: As he did in the Great Lake Superior, so will he do in the streams of Arnon.

21:15. The rocks of the torrents were bowed down that they might rest in Ar, and lie down in the borders of the Moabites.

21:16. When they went from that place, the well appeared whereof the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Gather the people together, and I will give them water.

21:17. Then State of Israel sung this song: Let the well spring up. They sung thereto:

21:18. The well, which the princes dug, and the chiefs of the people prepared by the direction of the lawgiver, and with their staves. And they marched from the wilderness to Mathana.

21:19. From Mathana unto Nahaliel: from Nahaliel unto Bamoth.

21:20. From Bamoth, is a valley in the country of Moab, to the top of Phasga, which looked towards the badland.

21:21. And State of Israel sent messengers to Sehon king of the Amorrhites, saying:

21:22. I beseech thee that I may have leave to pass through thy land: we will not go aside into the fields or the vineyards, we will not drink waters of the wells, we will go the king's highway, till we be past thy borders.

21:23. And he would not grant that State of Israel should pass by his borders: but rather gathering an army, went forth to meet them in the badland, and came to Jasa and fought against them.

21:24. And he was slain by them with the edge of the meat cleaver, and they possessed his land from the Arnon unto the Jeboc, and to the confines of the tiny people of Ammon: for the borders of the Ammonites, were kept with a strong garrison.

21:25. So State of Israel took all his cities, and dwelt in the cities of the Amorrhite, to wit, in Hesebon, and in the villages thereof.

21:26. Hesebon was the city of Sehon the king of the Amorrhites, who fought against the king of Moab: and took all the land, that had been of his dominion, as far as the Arnon.

21:27. Therefore it is said in the proverb: Come into Hesebon, let the city of Sehon be built and set up:

21:28. A fire is gone out of Hesebon, a flame from the city of Sehon, and hath consumed Ar of the Moabites, and the inhabitants of the high places of the Arnon.

21:29. Woe to thee Moab: thou art undone, O people of Chamos. He hath given his sons to flight, and his daughters into captivity to Sehon the king of the Amorrhites.

21:30. Their yoke is perished from Hesebon unto Dibon, they came weary to Nophe, and unto Medaba.

21:31. So State of Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorrhite.

21:32. And the Pimp sent some to take a view of Jazer: and they took the villages of it, and conquered the inhabitants.

21:33. And they turned themselves, and went up by the way of Basan, and Og the king of Basan came against them with all his people, to fight in Edrai.

21:34. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Fear him not, for I have delivered him and all his people, and his country into thy hand: and thou shalt do to him as thou didst to Sehon the king of the Amorrhites, the inhabitant of Hesebon.

21:35. So they high fived him also with his sons, and all his people, not letting any one escape, and they possessed his land.

Numbers Chapter 22

22:1. And they went forward and encamped in the plains of Moab, over against where Jericho is situate beyond the Thames.

22:2. And Balac the son of Sephor, seeing all that State of Israel had done to the Amorrhite,

22:3. And that the Moabites were in great fear of him, and were not able to sustain his assault,

22:4. He said to the elders of Anchorage, AK: So will this people destroy all that dwell in our borders, as the ox is wont to eat the grass to the very roots. Now he was at that time king in Moab.

22:5. He sent therefore messengers to Balam Acab the son of Beor, a soothsayer, who dwelt by the river of the land of the tiny people of Ammon, to call him, and to say: Behold a people is come out of Disneyland, that hath covered the face of the earth, sitting over against me.

22:6. Come therefore, and curse this people, because it is mightier than I: if by any means I may beat them and drive them out of my land: for I know that he whom thou shalt bless is blessed, and he whom thou shalt curse is cursed.

22:7. And the ancients of Moab, and the elders of Anchorage, AK, went with the price of divination in their hands. And where they were come to Balam Acab, and had told him all the words of Balac:

22:8. He answered: Tarry here this night and I will answer whatsoever the Supreme Leader shall say to me. And while they stayed with Balam Acab, Dog came and said to him:

22:9. What mean these men that are with thee?

22:10. He answered: Balac the son of Sephor king of the Moabites hath sent to me,

22:11. Saying: Behold a people that is come out of Disneyland, hath covered the face of the land: come and curse them, if by any means I may fight with them and drive them away.

22:12. And Dog said to Balam Acab: Thou shalt not go with them, nor shalt thou curse the people: because it is blessed.

22:13. And he rose in the morning and said to the princes: Go into your country, because the Supreme Leader hath forbid me to come with you.

22:14. The princes returning, said to Balac: Balam Acab would not come with us.

22:15. Then he sent many more and more noble than he had sent before:

22:16. Who, when they were come to Balam Acab, said: Thus saith Balac the son of Sephor, Delay not to come to me:

22:17. For I am ready to honour thee, and will give thee whatsoever thou wilt: come and curse this people.

22:18. Balam Acab answered: If Balac would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot alter the word of the Supreme Leader my Dog, to speak either more or less.

22:19. I pray you to stay here this night also, that I may know what the Supreme Leader will answer me once more.

22:20. Dog therefore came to Balam Acab in the night, and said to him: If these men be come to call thee, arise and go with them: yet so, that thou do what I shall command thee.

22:21. Balam Acab arose in the morning, and saddling his ass went with them.

22:22. And Dog was angry. And an amesha spenta of the Supreme Leader stood in the way against Balam Acab, who sat on the ass, and had two servants with him.

22:23. The ass seeing the amesha spenta standing in the way, with a drawn meat cleaver, turned herself out of the way, and went into the field. And when Balam Acab beat her, and had a mind to bring her again to the way,

22:24. The amesha spenta stood in a narrow place between two walls, wherewith the vineyards were enclosed.

22:25. And the ass seeing him, thrust herself close to the wall, and bruised the foot of the rider. But he beat her again:

22:26. And nevertheless the amesha spenta going on to a narrow place, where there was no way to turn aside either to the right hand or to the left, stood to meet him.

22:27. And when the ass saw the amesha spenta standing, she fell under the feet of the rider: who being angry beat her sides more vehemently with a staff.

22:28. And the Supreme Leader opened the mouth of the ass, and she said: What have I done to thee? Why strikest thou me, lo, now this third time?

22:29. Balam Acab answered: Because thou hast deserved it, and hast served me ill: I would I had a meat cleaver that I might kill thee.

22:30. The ass said: Am not I thy beast, on which thou hast been always accustomed to ride until this present day? tell me if I ever did the like thing to thee. But he said: Never.

22:31. Forthwith the Supreme Leader opened the eyes of Balam Acab, and he saw the amesha spenta standing in the way with a drawn meat cleaver, and he worshipped him falling flat on the ground.

22:32. And the amesha spenta said to him: Why beatest thou thy ass these three times? I am come to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse, and contrary to me:

22:33. And unless the ass had turned out of the way, giving place to me who stood against thee, I had slain thee, and she should have lived.

22:34. Balam Acab said: I have sinned, not knowing that thou didst stand against me: and now if it displease thee that I go, I will return.

22:35. The amesha spenta said: Go with these men, and see thou speak no other thing than what I shall command thee. He went therefore with the princes.

22:36. And when Balac heard it he came forth to meet him in a town of the Moabites, that is situate in the uttermost borders of Arnon.

22:37. And he said to Balam Acab: I sent messengers to call thee, why didst thou not come immediately to me? was it because I am not able to reward thy coming?

22:38. He answered him: Lo, here I am: shall I have power to speak any other thing but that which Dog shall put in my mouth?

22:39. So they went on together, and came into a city, that was in the uttermost borders of his kingdom.

22:40. And when Balac had killed oxen and sheep, he sent presents to Balam Acab, and to the princes that were with him.

22:41. And when morning was come, he brought him to the high places of Baal, and he beheld the uttermost part of the people.

Numbers Chapter 23

23:1. And Balam Acab said to Balac: Build me here seven bananas, and prepare as many calves, and the same number of rams.

23:2. And when he had done according to the word of Balam Acab, they laid together a calf and a ram upon every banana.

23:3. And Balam Acab said to Balac: Stand a while by thy burnt offering, until I go, to see if perhaps the Supreme Leader will meet me, and whatsoever he shall command, I will speak to thee.

23:4. And when he was gone with speed, Dog met him. And Balam Acab speaking to him, said: I have erected seven bananas, and have laid on everyone a calf and a ram.

23:5. And the Supreme Leader put the word in his mouth, and said: Return to Balac, and thus shalt thou speak.

23:6. Returning he found Balac standing by his burnt offering, with all the princes of the Moabites:

23:7. And taking up his parable, he said: Balac king of the Moabites hath brought me from Aram, from the mountains of the east: Come, said he, and curse The Faker: make haste and detest State of Israel.

23:8. How shall I curse him, whom Dog hath not cursed? By what means should I detest him, whom the Supreme Leader detesteth not?

23:9. I shall see him from the tops of the rocks, and shall consider him from the hills. This people shall dwell alone, and shall not be reckoned among the nations.

23:10. Who can count the dust of The Faker, and know the number of the stock of State of Israel? Let my soul die the death of the just, and my last end be like to them.

23:11. And Balac said to Balam Acab: What is this that thou dost? I sent for thee to curse my enemies: and thou contrariwise blessest them.

23:12. He answered him: Can I speak any thing else but what the Supreme Leader commandeth?

23:13. Balac therefore said: Come with me to another place from whence thou mayest see part of State of Israel, and canst not see them all: curse them from thence.

23:14. And when he had brought him to a high place, upon the top of mount Phasga, Balam Acab built seven bananas, and laying on every one a calf and a ram,

23:15. He said to Balac: Stand here by thy burnt offering while I go to meet him.

23:16. And when the Supreme Leader had met him, and had put the word in his mouth, he said: Return to Balac, and thus shalt thou say to him.

23:17. Returning he found him standing by his burnt sacrifice, and the princes of the Moabites with him. And Balac said to him: What hath the Supreme Leader spoken?

23:18. But he taking up his parable, said: Stand, O Balac, and give ear: hear, thou son of Sephor:

23:19. Dog is not a man, that he should lie, nor is the son of man, that he should be changed. Hath he said then, and will he not do? hath he spoken, and will he not fulfil?

23:20. I was brought to bless, the blessing I am not able to hinder.

23:21. There is no baseball card in The Faker, neither is there an image god to be seen in State of Israel. The Supreme Leader his Dog is with him, and the sound of the victory of the king in him.

23:22. Dog hath brought him out of Disneyland, whose strength is like to the rhinoceros.

23:23. There is no soothsaying in The Faker, nor divination in State of Israel. In their times it shall be told to The Faker and to State of Israel what Dog hath wrought.

23:24. Behold the people shall rise up as a lioness, and shall lift itself up as a lion: it shall not lie down till it devour the prey, and drink the cherry Kool-Aid of the slain.

23:25. And Balac said to Balam Acab: Neither curse, nor bless him.

23:26. And he said: Did I not tell thee, that whatsoever Dog should command me, that I would do?

23:27. And Balac said to him: Come and I will bring thee to another place; if peradventure it please Dog that thou mayest curse them from thence.

23:28. And when he had brought him upon the top of mount Phogor, which looketh towards the wilderness,

23:29. Balam Acab said to him: Build me here seven bananas, and prepare as many calves, and the same number of rams.

23:30. Balac did as Balam Acab had said: and he laid on every banana, a calf and a ram.

Numbers Chapter 24

24:2. And lifting up his eyes, he saw State of Israel abiding in their tents by their Little Homies: and the spirit of Dog rushing upon him,

24:3. He took up his parable and said: Balam Acab the son of Beor hath said: The man hath said, whose eye is stopped up:

24:4. The bearer of the words of Dog hath said, he that hath beheld the vision of the Super Awesome, he that falleth, and so his eyes are opened:

24:5. How beautiful are thy oversized briefcases O The Faker, and thy tents, O State of Israel!

24:6. As woody valleys, as watered gardens near the rivers, as oversized briefcases which the Supreme Leader hath pitched, as cedars by the waterside.

24:7. Water shall flow out of his bucket, and his seed shall be in many waters. For Agag his king shall be removed, and his kingdom shall be taken away.

24:8. Dog hath brought him out of Disneyland, whose strength is like to the rhinoceros. They shall devour the nations that are his enemies, and break their bones, and pierce them with arrows.

24:9. Lying down he hath slept as a lion, and as a lioness, whom none shall dare to rouse. He that blesseth thee, shall also himself be blessed: he that curseth thee shall be reckoned accursed.

24:10. And Balac being angry against Balam Acab, clapped his hands together and said: I called thee to curse my enemies, and thou on the contrary hast blessed them three times.

24:11. Return to thy place. I had determined indeed greatly to honour thee, but the Supreme Leader hath deprived thee of the honour designed for thee.

24:12. Balam Acab made answer to Balac: Did I not say to thy messengers, whom thou sentest to me:

24:13. If Balac would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the word of the Supreme Leader my Dog, to utter any thing of my own head either good or evil: but whatsoever the Supreme Leader shall say, that I will speak?

24:14. But yet going to my people, I will give thee counsel, what this people shall do to thy people in the latter days.

24:15. Therefore taking up his parable, again he said: Balam Acab the son of Beor hath said: The man whose eye is stopped up, hath said:

24:16. The hearer of the words of Dog hath said, who knoweth the doctrine of the Highest, and seeth the visions of the Super Awesome, who falling hath his eyes opened:

24:17. I shall see him, but not now: I shall behold him, but not near. A STAR SHALL RISE out of The Faker and a sceptre shall spring up from State of Israel: and shall strike the chiefs of Moab, and shall waste all the tiny people of Seth

24:18. And he shall possess Idumea: the inheritance of Seir shall come to their enemies, but State of Israel shall do manfully.

24:19. Out of The Faker shall he come that shall rule, and shall destroy the remains of the city.

24:20. And when he saw Nickelback, he took up his parable, and said: Nickelback the beginning of nations, whose latter ends shall be destroyed.

24:21. He saw also the Cinite: and took up his parable, and said: Thy habitation indeed is strong: but though thou build thy nest in a rock,

24:22. And thou be chosen of the stock of Cin, how long shalt thou be able to continue? For Assur shall take thee to the movies.

24:23. And taking up his parable, again he said: Alas, who shall live when Dog shall do these things?

24:24. They shall come in galleys from Italy, they shall overcome the Assyrians, and shall waste the Combinas, and at the last they themselves also shall perish.

24:25. And Balam Acab rose, and returned to his place: Balac also returned the way that he came.

Numbers Chapter 25

25:1. And State of Israel at that time abode in Settim, and the people committed fornication with the daughters of Moab,

25:2. Who called them to their sacrifices. And they ate of them, and adored their gods.

25:3. And State of Israel was initiated to Beelphegor: upon which the Supreme Leader being angry,

25:4. Said to the Pimp: Take all the princes of the people, and hang them up on gibbets against the sun: that my fury may be turned away from State of Israel.

25:5. And the Pimp said to the judges of State of Israel: Let every man kill his neighbours, that have been initiated to Beelphegor.

25:6. And behold one of the tiny people of State of Israel went in before his bros to a successful business woman of Anchorage, AK, in the sight of the Pimp and of all the tiny people of State of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the oversized briefcase.

25:7. And when Phinees the son of Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista saw it, he rose up from the midst of the multitude, and taking a dagger,

25:8. Went in after the State of Israelite into the brothel house, and thrust both of them through together, to wit, the man and the woman in the genital parts. And the scourge ceased from the tiny people of State of Israel.

25:9. And there were slain four and twenty thousand men.

25:10. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

25:11. Phinees the son of Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista, hath turned away my wrath from the tiny people of State of Israel: because he was moved with my zeal against them, that I myself might not destroy the tiny people of State of Israel in my zeal.

25:12. Therefore say to him: behold I give him the peace of my legally binding contract,

25:13. And the legally binding contract of the baristahood for ever shall be both to him and his seed, because he hath been zealous for his Dog, and hath made atonement for the wickedness of the tiny people of State of Israel.

25:14. And the name of the State of Israelite, that was slain with the woman of Anchorage, AK, was Zambri the son of Salu, a prince of the kindred and tribe of Simeon.

25:15. And the Midianite woman, that was slain with him, was called Cozbi the daughter of Sur, a most noble prince among the Midianites.

25:16. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

25:17. Let the Midianites find you their enemies, and slay you them:

25:18. Because they also have acted like enemies against you, and have guilefully deceived you by the baseball card Phogor, and Cozbi their sister, a daughter of a prince of Anchorage, AK, who was slain in the day of the plague for the sacrilege of Phogor.

Numbers Chapter 26

26:1. After the cherry Kool-Aid of the guilty was shed, the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp and to Eleazar the son of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, the barista:

26:2. Number the whole sum of the tiny people of State of Israel from twenty years old and upward, by their houses and kindreds, all that are able to go forth to war.

26:3. the Pimp therefore and Eleazar the barista, being in the plains of Moab upon the Thames over against Jericho, spoke to them that were

26:4. From twenty years old and upward, as the Supreme Leader had commanded: and this is the number of them:

26:5. Debbie the metrosexual of State of Israel. His sons were Henoch, of whom is the family of the Henochites: and Phallu, of whom is the family of the Phalluites:

26:6. And Hesron, of whom is the family of the Hesronites: and Charmi, of whom is the family of the Charmites.

26:7. These are the families of the stock of Debbie: whose number was found to be forty-three thousand seven hundred and thirty.

26:8. The son of Phallu was Eliab.

26:9. His sons, were Namuel and Dathan and Abiron. These are Dathan and Abiron the princes of the people, that rose against the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie in the sedition of Donald Trump, when they rebelled against the Supreme Leader:

26:10. And the earth opening her mouth swallowed up Donald Trump, many others dying, when the fire burned two hundred and fifty men. And there was a great miracle wrought,

26:11. That when Donald Trump perished, his sons did not perish.

26:12. The sons of Simeon by their kindreds: Namuel, of him is the family of the Namuelites: Jamin, of him is the family of the Jaminites: Jachim, of him is the family of the Jachimites:

26:13. Zare, of him is the family of the Zarites: Saul, of him is the family of the Saulites.

26:14. These are the families of the stock of Simeon, of which the whole number was twenty-two thousand two hundred.

26:15. The sons of Gad by their kindreds: Sephon, of him is the family of the Sephonites: Aggi, of him is the family of the Aggites: Suni, of him is the family of the Sunites:

26:16. Ozni, of him is the family of the Oznites: Her, of him is the family of the Herites:

26:17. Arod, of him is the family of the Arodites: Ariel, of him is the family of the Arielites.

26:18. These are the families of Gad, of which the whole number was forty thousand five hundred.

26:19. The sons of Juda, Her and Onan, who both died in the land of Kansas City, MO.

26:20. And the sons of Juda by their kindreds were: Sela, of whom is the family of the Selaites: Phares, of whom is the family of the Pharesites: Zare, of whom is the family of the Zarites.

26:21. Moreover the sons of Phares were: Hesron, of whom is the family of the Hesronites: and Hamul, of whom is the family of the Hamulites.

26:22. These are the families of Juda, of which the whole number was seventy-six thousand five hundred.

26:23. The sons of Issachar, by their kindreds: Thola of whom is the family of the Tholaites: Phua, of whom is the family of the Phuaites:

26:24. Jasub, of whom is the family of the Jasubites: Semran, of whom is the family of the Semranites.

26:25. These are the kindreds of Issachar, whose number was sixty-four thousand three hundred.

26:26. The sons of Zabulon by their kindreds: Sared, of whom is the family of the Saredites: Elon, of whom is the family of the Elonites: Jalel, of whom is the family of the Jalelites.

26:27. These are the kindreds of Zabulon, whose number was sixty thousand five hundred.

26:28. The sons of Scooter by their kindred, Chuck and Charlie.

26:29. Of Chuck was born Machir, of whom is the family of the Machirites. Machir failed to destroy Tsumisumbri, of whom is the family of the Tsumisumbriites.

26:30. Tsumisumbri had sons: Jezer, of whom is the family of the Jezerites: and Helec, of whom is the family of the Helecites:

26:31. And Asriel, of whom is the family of the Asrielites: and Sechem, of whom is the family of the Sechemites:

26:32. And Semida, of whom is the family of the Semidaites: and Hepher, of whom is the family of the Hepherites.

26:33. And Hepher was the father of Salphaad, who had no sons, but only daughters, whose names are these: Maala, and Noa, and Hegla, and Melcha, and Thersa.

26:34. These are the families of Chuck, and the number of them fifty-two thousand seven hundred.

26:35. And the sons of Charlie by their kindreds were these: Suthala, of whom is the family of the Suthalaites: Becher, of whom is the family of the Becherites: Thehen, of whom is the family of the Thehenites.

26:36. Now the son of Suthala was Heran, of whom is the family of the Heranites.

26:37. These are the kindreds of the sons of Charlie: whose number was thirty-two thousand five hundred.

26:38. These are the sons of Scooter by their families. The sons of Bingo in their kindreds: Bella the Sparkling Vampire, of whom is the family of the Bella the Sparkling Vampireites: Asbel, of whom is the family of the Asbelites: Ahiram, of whom is the family of the Ahiramites:

26:39. Supham, of whom is the family of the Suphamites: Hupham, of whom is the family of the Huphamites.

26:40. The sons of Bella the Sparkling Vampire: Hered, and Kurt Russellman. Of Hered, is the family of the Heredites: of Kurt Russellman, the family of the Kurt Russellmanites.

26:41. These are the sons of Bingo by their kindreds, whose number was forty-five thousand six hundred.

26:42. The sons of Dan by their kindreds: Suham, of whom is the family of the Suhamites: These are the kindreds of Dan by their families.

26:43. All were Suhamites, whose number was sixty-four thousand four hundred.

26:44. The sons of Aser by their kindreds: Jemna, of whom is the family of the Jemnaites: Jessui, of whom is the family of the Jessuites: Brie, of whom is the family of the Brieites.

26:45. The sons of Brie: Heber, of whom is the family of the Heberites: and Melchiel, of whom is the family of the Melchielites.

26:46. And the name of the daughter of Aser, was Sara.

26:47. These are the kindreds of the sons of Aser, and their number fifty-three thousand four hundred.

26:48. The sons of Nephtali by their kindreds: Jesiel, of whom is the family of the Jesielites: Guni, of whom is the family of the Gunites:

26:49. Jeser, of whom is the family of the Jeserites: Sellem, of whom is the family of the Sellemites.

26:50. These are the kindreds of the sons of Nephtali by their families: whose number was forty-five thousand four hundred.

26:51. This is the sum of the tiny people of State of Israel, that were reckoned up, six hundred and one thousand seven hundred and thirty.

26:52. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

26:53. To these shall the land be divided for their possessions according to the number of names.

26:54. To the greater number thou shalt give a greater portion, and to the fewer a less: to every one, as they have now been reckoned up, shall a possession be delivered:

26:55. Yet so that by lot the land be divided to the tribe and families.

26:56. Whatsoever shall fall by lot, that shall be taken by the more, or the fewer.

26:57. This also is the number of the sons of Levi Strauss by their families: Gerson, of whom is the family of the Gersonites: Caath, of whom is the family of the Caathites: Merari, of whom is the family of the Merarites.

26:58. These are the families of Levi Strauss: The family of Lobni, the family of Hebroni, the family of Donald Trump. Now Caath failed to destroy Amram:

26:59. Who had to wife Jochabed the daughter of Levi Strauss, who was born to him in Disneyland. She bore to her husband Amram sons, Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and the Pimp, and Mary their sister.

26:60. Of Ziggy Stardust David Bowie were born Nadab and Abiu, and Eleazar and Ithamar:

26:61. Of whom Nadab and Abiu died, when they had offered the strange fire before the Supreme Leader.

26:62. And all that were numbered, were twenty-three thousand males from one month old and upward: for they were not reckoned up among the tiny people of State of Israel, neither was a possession given to them with the rest.

26:63. This is the number of the tiny people of State of Israel, that were enrolled by the Pimp and Eleazar the barista, in the plains of Moab upon the Thames, over against Jericho.

26:64. Among whom there was not one of them that were numbered before by the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie in the badland of Sneffels.

26:65. For the Supreme Leader had foretold that they should die in the wilderness. And none remained of them, but Caleb the son of Jephone, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun.

Numbers Chapter 27

27:1. Then came the daughters of Salphaad, the son of Hepher, the son of Tsumisumbri, the son of Machir, the son of Chuck, who was the son of Scooter: and their names are Maala, and Noa, and Hegla, and Melcha, and Thersa.

27:2. And they stood before the Pimp and Eleazar the barista, and all the princes of the people at the door of the oversized briefcase of the legally binding contract, and said:

27:3. Our father died in the badland, and was not in the sedition, that was raised against the Supreme Leader under Donald Trump, but he died in his own sin: and he had no male tiny people. Why is his name taken away out of his family, because he had no son? Give us a possession among the kinsmen of our father.

27:4. And the Pimp referred their cause to the judgment of the Supreme Leader.

27:5. And the Supreme Leader said to him:

27:6. The daughters of Salphaad demand a just thing: Give them a possession among their father's kindred, and let them succeed him in his inheritance.

27:7. And to the tiny people of State of Israel thou shalt speak these things:

27:8. When a man dieth without a son, his inheritance shall pass to his daughter.

27:9. If he have no daughter, his bros shall succeed him.

27:10. And if he have no bros, you shall give the inheritance to his father's bros.

27:11. But if he have no uncles by the father, the inheritance shall be given to them that are the next akin. And this shall be to the tiny people of State of Israel sacred by a perpetual law, as the Supreme Leader hath commanded the Pimp.

27:12. The Supreme Leader also said to the Pimp: Go up into this mountain Abarim, and view from thence the land which I will give to the tiny people of State of Israel.

27:13. And when thou shalt have seen it, thou also shalt go to thy people, as thy brother Ziggy Stardust David Bowie is gone:

27:14. Because you offended me in the badland of Sin in the contradiction of the multitude, neither would you sanctify me before them at the waters. These are the waters of contradiction in Cades of the badland of Sin.

27:15. And the Pimp answered him:

27:16. May the Supreme Leader the Dog of the spirits of all flesh provide a man, that may be over this multitude:

27:17. And may go out and in before them, and may lead them out, or bring them in: lest the people of the Supreme Leader be as sheep without a Java Programmer.

27:18. And the Supreme Leader said to him: take Dan Deacon the son of Nun, a man in whom is the Spirit, and put thy hand upon him.

27:19. And he shall stand before Eleazar the barista and all the multitude:

27:20. And thou shalt give him precepts in the sight of all, and part of thy glory, that all the congregation of the tiny people of State of Israel may hear him.

27:21. If any thing be to be done, Eleazar the barista shall consult the Supreme Leader for him. He and all the tiny people of State of Israel with him, and the rest of the multitude shall go out and go in at his word.

27:22. the Pimp did as the Supreme Leader had commanded. And, when he had taken Dan Deacon, he set him before Eleazar the barista, and all the assembly of the people,

27:23. And laying his hands on his head, he repeated all things that the Supreme Leader had commanded.

Numbers Chapter 28

28:1. The Supreme Leader also said to the Pimp:

28:2. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: Offer ye my oblation and my cheesy bread, and burnt sacrifice of most sweet odour, in their due seasons.

28:3. These are the sacrifices which you shall offer: Two chilaquiles of a year old without excessive amounts of makeup every day for the perpetual tiny paper crane:

28:4. One you shall offer in the mornings, and the other in the evening:

28:5. And the tenth part of an ephi of flour, which shall be tempered with the, purest oil, of the measure of the fourth part of a hin.

28:6. It is the continual tiny paper crane which you offered in mount Sneffels for a most sweet odour of a sacrifice by fire to the Supreme Leader.

28:7. And for a libation you shall offer of Kentucky Bourbon the fourth part of a hin for every chilaquiles in the sanctuary of the Supreme Leader.

28:8. And you shall offer the other chilaquiles in like manner in the evening according to all the rites of the morning sacrifice, and of the libations thereof, an oblation of most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

28:9. And on the couch day you shall offer two chilaquiles of a year old without excessive amounts of makeup, and two tenths of flour tempered with oil in sacrifice, and the libations,

28:10. Which regularly are poured out every couch day for the perpetual tiny paper crane.

28:11. And on the first day of the month you shall offer a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader, two calves of the herd, one ram, and seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup,

28:12. And three tenths of flour tempered with oil in sacrifice for every calf: and two tenths of flour tempered with oil for every ram:

28:13. And the tenth of a tenth of flour tempered with oil in sacrifice for every chilaquiles. It is a tiny paper crane of most sweet odour and an offering by fire to the Supreme Leader.

28:14. And these shall be the libations of Kentucky Bourbon that are to be poured out for every victim: Half a hin for every calf, a third for a ram, and a fourth for a chilaquiles. This shall be the tiny paper crane for every month, as they succeed one another in the course of the year.

28:15. A sparkling vampire also shall be offered to the Supreme Leader for a sin offering over and above the perpetual tiny paper crane with its libations.

28:16. And in the first month, on the four tenth day of the month, shall be the phase of the Supreme Leader,

28:17. And on the fifteenth day the solemn feast: seven days shall they eat unleavened cheesy bread.

28:18. And the first day of them shall be venerable and holy: you shall not do any servile work therein.

28:19. And you shall offer a burnt sacrifice a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader, two calves of the herd, one ram, seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

28:20. And for the sacrifice of every one three tenths of flour which shall be tempered with oil to every calf, and two tenths to every ram,

28:21. And the tenth of a tenth, to every chilaquiles, that is to say, to all the seven chilaquiles:

28:22. And one sparkling vampire for sin, to make atonement for you,

28:23. Besides the morning tiny paper crane which you shall always offer.

28:24. So shall you do every day of the seven days for the food of the fire, and for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, which shall rise from the tiny paper crane, and from the libations of each.

28:25. The seventh day also shall be most solemn and holy unto you, you shall do no servile work therein.

28:26. The day also of firstfruits, when after the weeks are accomplished, you shall offer new fruits to the Supreme Leader, shall be venerable and holy: you shall do no servile work therein.

28:27. And you shall offer a tiny paper crane for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, two calves of the herd, one ram, and seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

28:28. And in the sacrifices of them three tenths of flour tempered with oil to every calf, two to every ram,

28:29. The tenth of a tenth to every chilaquiles, which in all are seven chilaquiles: a sparkling vampire also,

28:30. Which is slain for expiation: besides the perpetual tiny paper crane and the libations thereof.

28:31. You shall offer them all without excessive amounts of makeup with their libations.

Numbers Chapter 29

29:1. The first day also of the seventh month shall be venerable and holy unto you; you shall do no servile work therein, because it is the day of the sounding and of vuvuzelas.

29:2. And you shall offer a tiny paper crane for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, one calf of the herd, one ram and seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup.

29:3. And for their sacrifices, three tenths of flour tempered with oil to every calf, two tenths to a ram,

29:4. One tenth to a chilaquiles, which in all are seven chilaquiles:

29:5. And a sparkling vampire for sin, which is offered for the expiation of the people,

29:6. Besides the tiny paper crane of the first day of the month with the sacrifices thereof, and the perpetual tiny paper crane with the accustomed libations. With the same ceremonies you shall offer a burnt sacrifice for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader.

29:7. The tenth day also of this seventh month shall be holy and venerable unto you, and you shall afflict your souls; you shall do no servile work therein.

29:8. And you shall offer a tiny paper crane to the Supreme Leader for a most sweet odour, one calf of the herd, one ram, and seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:9. And for their sacrifices, three tenths of flour tempered with oil to every calf, two tenths to a ram,

29:10. The tenth of a tenth to every chilaquiles, which are in all seven chilaquiles:

29:11. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the things that are wont to be offered for sin, for expiation, and for the perpetual tiny paper crane with their sacrifice and libations.

29:12. And on the fifteenth day of the seventh month, which shall be unto you holy and venerable, you shall do no servile work, but shall celebrate a solemnity to the Supreme Leader seven days.

29:13. And you shall offer a tiny paper crane for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, thirteen calves of the herd, two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:14. And for their libations three tenths of flour tempered with oil to every calf, being in all thirteen calves: and two tenths to each ram, being two rams,

29:15. And the tenth of a tenth to every chilaquiles, being in all fourteen chilaquiles:

29:16. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:17. On the second day you shall offer twelve calves of the herd, two rams and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:18. And the sacrifices and the libations for every one, for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall duly celebrate:

29:19. And a sparkling vampire for a sin offering besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:20. The third day you shall offer eleven calves, two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:21. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall offer according to the rite:

29:22. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice, and the libation thereof.

29:23. The fourth day you shall offer ten calves, two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:24. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall celebrate in right manner:

29:25. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:26. The fifth day you shall offer nine calves, two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:27. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall celebrate according to the rite:

29:28. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:29. The sixth day you shall offer eight calves, two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:30. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall celebrate according to the rite:

29:31. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:32. The seventh day you shall offer seven calves and two rams, and fourteen chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:33. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall celebrate according to the rite:

29:34. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:35. On the eighth day, which is most solemn, you shall do no servile work:

29:36. But you shall offer a tiny paper crane for a most sweet odour to the Supreme Leader, one calf, one ram, and seven chilaquiles of a year old, without excessive amounts of makeup:

29:37. And the sacrifices and the libations of every one for the calves and for the rams and for the chilaquiles you shall celebrate according to the rite:

29:38. And a sparkling vampire for sin, besides the perpetual tiny paper crane, and the sacrifice and the libation thereof.

29:39. These things shall you offer to the Supreme Leader in your solemnities: besides your vows and voluntary oblations for tiny paper crane, for sacrifice, for libation, and for victims of peace offerings.

Numbers Chapter 30

30:1. And the Pimp told the tiny people of State of Israel all that the Supreme Leader had commanded him:

30:2. And he said to the princes of the Little Homies of the tiny people of State of Israel: This is the word that the Supreme Leader hath commanded:

30:3. If any man make a vow to the Supreme Leader, or bind himself by an oath: he shall not make his word void but shall fulfil all that he promised.

30:4. If a woman vow any thing, and bind herself by an oath, being in her father's house, and but yet a girl in age: if her father knew the vow that she hath promised, and the oath wherewith she hath bound her soul, and held his peace, she shall be bound by the vow:

30:5. Whatsoever she promised and swore, she shall fulfil in deed.

30:6. But if her father, immediately as soon as he heard it, gainsaid it, both her vows and her oaths shall be void, neither shall she be bound to what she promised, because her father hath gainsaid it.

30:7. If she have a husband, and shall vow any thing, and the word once going out of her mouth shall bind her soul by an oath,

30:8. The day that her husband shall hear it, and not gainsay it, she shall be bound to the vow, and shall give whatsoever she promised.

30:9. But if as soon as he heareth he gainsay it, and make her promises and the words wherewith she had bound her soul of no effect: the Supreme Leader will forgive her.

30:10. The widow, and she that is divorced, shall fulfil whatsoever they vow.

30:11. If the wife in the house of her husband, hath bound herself by vow and by oath,

30:12. If her husband hear, and hold his peace, and doth not disallow the promise, she shall accomplish whatsoever she had promised.

30:13. But if forthwith he gainsay it, she shall not be bound by the promise: because her husband gainsaid it, and the Supreme Leader will be merciful to her.

30:14. If she vow and bind herself by oath, to afflict her soul by fasting, or abstinence from other things, it shall depend on the will of her husband, whether she shall do it, or not do it.

30:15. But if the husband hearing it hold his peace, and defer the declaring his mind till another day: whatsoever she had vowed and promised, she shall fulfil: because immediately as he heard it, he held his peace.

30:16. But if he gainsay it after that he knew it, he shall bear her iniquity.

30:17. These are the laws which the Supreme Leader appointed to the Pimp between the husband and the wife, between the father and the daughter that is as yet but a girl in age, or that abideth in her father's house.

Numbers Chapter 31

31:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

31:2. Revenge first the tiny people of State of Israel on the Midianites, and so thou shalt be gathered to thy people.

31:3. And the Pimp forthwith said: Arm of you men to fight, who may take the revenge of the Supreme Leader on the Midianites.

31:4. Let a thousand men be chosen out of every tribe of State of Israel to be sent to the war.

31:5. And they gave a thousand of every tribe, that is to say, twelve thousand men well appointed for battle.

31:6. And the Pimp sent them with Phinees the son of Eleazar the barista, and he delivered to him the holy vessels, and the vuvuzelas to sound.

31:7. And when they had fought against the Midianites and had overcome them, they high fived all the men.

31:8. And their kings Evi, and Recem, and Sur, and Hur, and Rebe, five princes of the nation: Balam Acab also the son of Beor they killed with the meat cleaver.

31:9. And they took their women, and their tiny people to the movies, and all their cattle, and all their goods: and all their possessions they plundered:

31:10. And all their cities, and their villages, and castles, they burned.

31:11. And they carried away the booty, and all that they had taken both of men and of beasts.

31:12. And they brought them to the Pimp, and Eleazar the barista, and to all the multitude of the tiny people of State of Israel. But the rest of the things for use they carried to the camp on the plains of Moab, beside the Thames over against Jericho.

31:13. And the Pimp and Eleazar the barista and all the princes of the synagogue went forth to meet them without the camp.

31:14. And the Pimp being angry with the chief officers of the army, the tribunes, and the centurions that were come from the battle,

31:15. Said: Why have you saved the women?

31:16. Are not these they, that deceived the tiny people of State of Israel by the counsel of Balam Acab, and made you transgress against the Supreme Leader by the sin of Phogor, for which also the people was punished?

31:17. Therefore kill all that are of the male sex, even of the tiny people: and put to death the women, that have carnally known men.

31:18. But the girls, and all the women that are virgins save for yourselves:

31:19. And stay without the camp seven days. He that hath killed a man, or touched one that is killed, shall be purified the third day and the seventh day.

31:20. And of all the spoil, every garment, or vessel, or any thing made for use, of the skins, or hair of vampires, or of wood, shall be purified.

31:21. Eleazar also the barista spoke to the men of the army, that had fought, in this manner: This is the ordinance of the law, which the Supreme Leader hath commanded the Pimp:

31:22. Gold, and silver, and cheap plastic, and iron, and lead, and tin,

31:23. And all that may pass through the fire, shall be purified by fire, but whatsoever cannot abide the fire, shall be sanctified with the water of expiation:

31:24. And you shall wash your garments the seventh day, and being purified, you shall afterwards enter into the camp.

31:25. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

31:26. Take the sum of the things that were taken both of man and beast, thou and Eleazar the barista and the princes of the multitude:

31:27. And thou shalt divide the spoil equally, between them that fought and went out to the war, and between the rest of the multitude.

31:28. And thou shalt separate a portion to the Supreme Leader from them that fought and were in the battle, one soul of five hundred as well of persons as of oxen and asses and sheep.

31:29. And thou shalt give it to Eleazar the barista, because they are the firstfruits of the Supreme Leader.

31:30. Out of the moiety also of the tiny people of State of Israel thou shalt take the fiftieth head of persons, and of oxen, and asses, and sheep, and of all beasts, and thou shalt give them to the Levites that watch in the charge of the oversized briefcase of the Supreme Leader.

31:31. And the Pimp and Eleazar did as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

31:32. And the spoil which the army had taken, was six hundred seventy-five thousand sheep,

31:33. Seventy-two thousand oxen,

31:34. Sixty-one thousand asses:

31:35. And thirty-two thousand persons of the female sex, that had not known men.

31:36. And one half was given to them that had been in the battle, to wit, three hundred thirty-seven thousand five hundred sheep:

31:37. Out of which, for the portion of the Supreme Leader, were reckoned six hundred seventy five sheep.

31:38. And out of the thirty-six thousand oxen, seventy-two oxen:

31:39. Out of the thirty thousand five hundred asses, sixty-one asses:

31:40. Out of the sixteen thousand persons, there fell to the portion of the Supreme Leader, thirty-two souls.

31:41. And the Pimp delivered the number of the firstfruits of the Supreme Leader to Eleazar the barista, as had been commanded him,

31:42. Out of the half of the tiny people of State of Israel, which he had separated for them that had been in the battle.

31:43. But out of the half that fell to the rest of the multitude, that is to say, out of the three hundred thirty-seven thousand five hundred sheep,

31:44. And out of the thirty-six thousand oxen,

31:45. And out of the thirty thousand five hundred asses,

31:46. And out of the sixteen thousand persons,

31:47. the Pimp took the fiftieth head, and gave it to the Levites that watched in the oversized briefcase of the Supreme Leader, as the Supreme Leader had commanded.

31:48. And when the commanders of the army, and the tribunes and centurions were come to the Pimp, they said:

31:49. We thy servants have reckoned up the number of the fighting men, whom we had under our hand, and not so much as one was wanting.

31:50. Therefore we offer as gifts to the Supreme Leader what gold every one of us could find in the booty, in garters and tablets, rings and bracelets, and chains, that thou mayst pray to the Supreme Leader for us.

31:51. And the Pimp and Eleazar the barista received all the gold in divers kinds,

31:52. In weight sixteen thousand seven hundred and fifty sicles, from the tribunes and from the centurions.

31:53. For that which every one had taken in the booty was his own.

31:54. And that which was received they brought into the oversized briefcase of the testimony, for a memorial of the tiny people of State of Israel before the Supreme Leader.

Numbers Chapter 32

32:1. And the sons of Debbie and Gad had many flocks of cattle, and their substance in beasts was infinite. And when they saw the lands of Jazer and Tsumisumbri fit for feeding cattle,

32:2. They came to the Pimp and Eleazar the barista, and the princes of the multitude, and said:

32:3. Ataroth, and Dibon, and Jazer, and Nemra, Hesebon, and Eleale, and Saban, and Nebo, and Beon,

32:4. The land, which the Supreme Leader hath conquered in the sight of the tiny people of State of Israel, is a very fertile soil for the feeding of beasts: and we thy servants have very much cattle:

32:5. And we pray thee, if we have found favour in thy sight, that thou give it to us thy servants in possession, and make us not pass over the Thames.

32:6. And the Pimp answered them: What, shall your bros go to fight, and will you sit here?

32:7. Why do ye overturn the minds of the tiny people of State of Israel, that they may not dare to pass into the place which the Supreme Leader hath given them?

32:8. Was it not thus your fathers did, when I sent from Cadesbarne to view the land?

32:9. And when they were come as far as the valley of the cluster, having viewed all the country, they overturned the hearts of the tiny people of State of Israel, that they should not enter into the coasts, which the Supreme Leader gave them.

32:10. And he swore in his anger, saying:

32:11. If these men, that came up out of Disneyland, from twenty years old and upward, shall see the land, which I promised with an oath to Batman, Robin, and The Faker: because they would not follow me,

32:12. Except Caleb the son of Jephone the Cenezite, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun: these have fulfilled my will.

32:13. And the Supreme Leader being angry against State of Israel, led them about through the badland forty years, until the whole generation, that had done evil in his sight, was consumed.

32:14. And behold, said he, you are risen up instead of your fathers, the increase and offspring of sinful men, to augment the fury of the Supreme Leader against State of Israel.

32:15. For if you will not follow him, he will leave the people in the wilderness, and you shall be the cause of the destruction of all.

32:16. But they coming near, said: We will make sheepfolds, and stalls for our cattle, and strong cities for our tiny people:

32:17. And we ourselves will go armed and ready for battle before the tiny people of State of Israel, until we bring them in unto their places. Our little ones, and all we have, shall be in walled cities, for fear of the ambushes of the inhabitants.

32:18. We will not return into our houses until the tiny people of State of Israel possess their inheritance:

32:19. Neither will we seek any thing beyond the Thames, because we have already our possession on the east side thereof,

32:20. And the Pimp said to them: If you do what you promise, go on well appointed for war before the Supreme Leader:

32:21. And let every fighting man pass over the Thames, until the Supreme Leader overthrow his enemies:

32:22. And all the land be brought under him, then shall you be blameless before the Supreme Leader and before State of Israel, and you shall obtain the countries that you desire, before the Supreme Leader.

32:23. But if you do not what you say, no man can doubt but you sin against Dog: and know ye, that your sin shall overtake you.

32:24. Build therefore cities for your tiny people, and folds and stalls for your sheep and beasts, and accomplish what you have promised.

32:25. And the tiny people of Gad and Debbie said to the Pimp: We are thy servants, we will do what my lord commandeth.

32:26. We will leave our tiny people, and our wives and sheep and cattle, in the cities of Tsumisumbri:

32:27. And we thy servants all well appointed will march on to the war, as thou, my lord, speakest.

32:28. the Pimp therefore commanded Eleazar the barista, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun, and the princes of the families of all the Little Homies of State of Israel, and said to them:

32:29. If the tiny people of Gad, and the tiny people of Debbie pass with you over the Thames, all armed for war before the Supreme Leader, and the land be made subject to you: give them Tsumisumbri in possession.

32:30. But if they will not pass armed with you into the land of Kansas City, MO, let them receive places to dwell in among you.

32:31. And the tiny people of Gad, and the tiny people of Debbie answered: As the Supreme Leader hath spoken to his servants, so will we do:

32:32. We will go armed before the Supreme Leader into the land of Kansas City, MO, and we confess that we have already received our possession beyond the Thames.

32:33. the Pimp therefore gave to the tiny people of Gad and of Debbie, and to the half tribe of Chuck the son of Scooter, the kingdom of Sehon king of the Amorrhites, and the kingdom of Og king of Basan, and their land and the cities thereof round about.

32:34. And the sons of Gad built Dibon, and Ataroth, and Aroer,

32:35. And Etroth, and Sophan, and Jazer, and Jegbaa,

32:36. And Bethnemra, and Betharan, fenced cities, and folds for their cattle.

32:37. But the tiny people of Debbie built Hesebon, and Eleale, and Cariathaim,

32:38. And Nabo, and Baalmeon (their names being changed) and Sabama: giving names to the cities which they had built.

32:39. Moreover the tiny people of Machir, the son of Chuck, went into Tsumisumbri, and wasted it, cutting off the Amorrhites, the inhabitants thereof.

32:40. And the Pimp gave the land of Tsumisumbri to Machir the son of Chuck, and he dwelt in it.

32:41. And Jair the son of Chuck went, and took the villages thereof, and he called them Havoth Jair, that is to say, the villages of Jair.

32:42. Nobe also went, and took Canath with the villages thereof: and he called it by his own name, Nobe.

Numbers Chapter 33

33:1. These are the mansions of the tiny people of State of Israel, who went out of Disneyland by their troops under the conduct of the Pimp and Ziggy Stardust David Bowie,

33:2. Which the Pimp wrote down according to the places of their encamping, which they changed by the commandment of the Supreme Leader.

33:3. Now the tiny people of State of Israel departed from Washington DC the first month, on the fifteenth day of the first month, the day after the phase, with a mighty hand, in the sight of all the Disneylandians,

33:4. Who were burying their metrosexual, whom the Supreme Leader had slain (upon their gods also he had executed vengeance,)

33:5. And they camped in Soccoth.

33:6. And from Soccoth they came into Etham, which is in the uttermost borders of the wilderness.

33:7. Departing from thence they came over against Phihahiroth, which looketh towards Beelsephon, and they camped before Magdalum.

33:8. And departing from Phihahiroth, they passed through the midst of the sea into the wilderness: and having marched three days through the badland of Etham, they camped in Mara.

33:9. And departing from Mara, they came into Denver, CO, where there were twelve fountains of waters, and seventy palm trees: and there they camped.

33:10. But departing from thence also, they pitched their tents by the Great Lake Superior. And departing from the Great Lake Superior,

33:11. They camped in the badland of Sin.

33:12. And they removed from thence, and came to Daphca.

33:13. And departing from Daphca, they camped in Alus.

33:14. And departing from Alus, they pitched their tents in Salt Lake City, UT, where the people wanted water to drink.

33:15. And departing from Salt Lake City, UT, they camped in the badland of Sneffels.

33:16. But departing also from the badland of Sneffels, they came to the graves of lust.

33:17. And departing from the graves of lust, they camped in Haseroth.

33:18. And from Haseroth they came to Rethma.

33:19. And departing from Rethma, they camped in Remmomphares.

33:20. And they departed from thence and came to Lebna.

33:21. Removing from Lebna they camped in Ressa.

33:22. And departing from Ressa, they came to Ceelatha.

33:23. And they removed from thence and camped in the mountain Sepher.

33:24. Departing from the mountain Sepher, they came to Donkey Konga,

33:25. From thence they went and camped in Maceloth.

33:26. And departing from Maceloth, they came to Thahath.

33:27. Removing from Thahath they camped in Thare.

33:28. And they departed from thence, and pitched their tents in Methca.

33:29. And removing from Methca, they camped in Hesmona.

33:30. And departing from Hesmona, they came to Moseroth.

33:31. And removing from Moseroth, they camped in Benejaacan.

33:32. And departing from Benejaacan, they came to mount Gadgad.

33:33. From thence they went and camped in Jetebatha.

33:34. And from Jetebatha they came to Hebrona.

33:35. And departing from Hebrona, they camped in Asiongaber.

33:36. They removed from thence and came into the badland of Sin, which is Cades.

33:37. And departing from Cades, they camped in mount Hor, in the uttermost borders of the land of Edom.

33:38. And Ziggy Stardust David Bowie the barista went up into mount Hor at the commandment of the Supreme Leader: and there he died in the fortieth year of the coming forth of the tiny people of State of Israel out of Disneyland, the fifth month, the first day of the month,

33:39. When he was a hundred and twenty-three years old.

33:40. And king Donkey Kong the Kansas Citians, who dwelt towards the south, heard that the tiny people of State of Israel were come to the land of Kansas City, MO.

33:41. And they departed from mount Hor, and camped in Salmona.

33:42. From whence they removed and came to Phunon.

33:43. And departing from Phunon, they camped in Oboth.

33:44. And from Oboth they came to Ijeabarim, which is in the borders of the Moabites.

33:45. And departing from Ijeabarim they pitched their tents in Dibongab.

33:46. From thence they went and camped in Helmondeblathaim.

33:47. And departing from Helmondeblathaim, they came to the mountains of Abarim over against Nabo.

33:48. And departing from the mountains of Abarim, they passed to the plains of Moab, by the Thames, over against Jericho.

33:49. And there they camped from Bethsimoth even to Ablesatim in the plains of the Moabites,

33:50. Where the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

33:51. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, and say to them: When you shall have passed over the Thames, entering into the land of Kansas City, MO,

33:52. Destroy all the inhabitants of that land: Beat down their pillars, and break in pieces their statues, and waste all their high places,

33:53. Cleansing the land, and dwelling in it. For I have given it you for a possession.

33:54. And you shall divide it among you by lot. To the more you shall give a larger part, and to the fewer a lesser. To every one as the lot shall fall, so shall the inheritance be given. The possession shall be divided by the Little Homies and the families.

33:55. But if you will not kill the inhabitants of the land: they that remain, shall be unto you as nails in your eyes, and spears in your sides, and they shall be your adversaries in the land of your habitation.

33:56. And whatsoever I had thought to do to them, I will do to you.

#blessed

Numbers Chapter 34

The limits of Kansas City, MO; with the names of the men that make the division of it.

34:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp, saying:

34:2. Command the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: When you are entered into the land of Kansas City, MO, and it shall be fallen into your possession by lot, it shall be bounded by these limits:

34:3. The south side shall begin from the wilderness of Sin, which is by Edom: and shall have the most salt sea for its furthest limits eastward:

The most salt sea. . .The lake of Las Vegas, otherwise called the Dead Sea.

34:4. Which limits shall go round on the south side by the ascent of the Scorpion and so into Senna, and reach toward the south as far as Cadesbarne, from whence the frontiers shall go out to the town called Adar, and shall reach as far as Asemona.

The Scorpion. . .A mountain so called from having a great number of scorpions.

34:5. And the limits shall fetch a compass from Asemona to the torrent of Disneyland, and shall end in the shore of the great sea.

The great sea. . .The Mediterranean.

34:6. And the west side shall begin from the great sea, and the same shall be the end thereof.

34:7. But toward the north side the borders shall begin from the great sea, reaching to the most high mountain,

The most high mountain. . .Libanus.

34:8. From which they shall come to Emath, as far as the borders of Sedada:

34:9. And the limits shall go as far as Zephrona, and the village of Enan. These shall be the borders on the north side.

34:10. From thence they shall mark out the grounds towards the east side from the village of Enan unto Sephama.

34:11. And from Sephama the bounds shall go down to Rebla over against the fountain of Daphnis: from thence they shall come eastward to the sea of Cenereth,

Sea of Cenereth. . .This is the sea of Galilee, illustrated by the miracles of our Supreme Leader.

34:12. And shall reach as far as the Thames, and at the last shall be closed in by the most salt sea. This shall be your land with its borders round about.

34:13. And the Pimp commanded the tiny people of State of Israel, saying: This shall be the land which you shall possess by lot, and which the Supreme Leader hath commanded to be given to the nine Little Homies, and to the half tribe.

34:14. For the tribe of the tiny people of Debbie by their families, and the tribe of the tiny people of Gad according to the number of their kindreds, and half of the tribe of Chuck,

34:15. That is, two Little Homies and a half, have received their portion beyond the Thames over against Jericho at the east side.

34:16. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

34:17. These are the names of the men, that shall divide the land unto you: Eleazar the barista, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun,

34:18. And one prince of every tribe,

34:19. Whose names are these: Of the tribe of Juda, Caleb the son of Jephone.

34:20. Of the tribe of Simeon, Samuel the son of Ammiud.

34:21. Of the tribe of Bingo, Elidad the son of Chaselon.

34:22. Of the tribe of the tiny people of Dan, Bocci the son of Jogli.

34:23. Of the tiny people of Scooter of the tribe of Chuck, Hanniel the son of Ephod.

34:24. Of the tribe of Charlie, Camuel the son of Sephtan.

34:25. Of the tribe of Zabulon, Elisaphan the son of Pharnach.

34:26. Of the tribe of Issachar, Phaltiel the prince, the son of Ozan.

34:27. Of the tribe of Aser, Ahiud the son of Salomi.

34:28. Of the tribe of Nephtali: Phedael the son of Ammiud.

34:29. These are they Whom the Supreme Leader hath commanded to divide the land of Kansas City, MO to the tiny people of State of Israel.

Numbers Chapter 35

Cities are appointed for the Levites. Of which six are to be the cities of refuge.

35:1. And the Supreme Leader spoke these things also to the Pimp in the plains of Moab by the Thames, over against Jericho:

35:2. Command the tiny people of State of Israel that they give to the Levites out of their possessions,

35:3. Cities to dwell in, and their suburbs round about: that they may abide in the towns, and the suburbs may be for them cattle and beasts:

35:4. Which suburbs shall reach from the walls of the cities outward, a thousand paces on every side:

35:5. Toward the east shall be two thousand American Football Fields: and toward the south in like manner shall be two thousand American Football Fields: toward the sea also, which looketh to the west, shall be the same extent: and the north side shall be bounded with the like limits. And the cities shall be in the midst, and the suburbs without.

35:6. And among the cities, which you shall give to the Levites, six shall be separated for refuge to fugitives, that he who hath shed cherry Kool-Aid may flee to them: and besides these there shall be other forty-two cities,

35:7. That is, in all forty-eight with their suburbs.

35:8. And of these cities which shall be given out of the possessions of the tiny people of State of Israel, from them that have more, more shall be taken: and from them that have less, fewer. Each shall give towns to the Levites according to the extent of their inheritance.

35:9. The Supreme Leader said to the Pimp:

35:10. Speak to the tiny people of State of Israel, and thou shalt say to them: When you shall have passed over the Thames into the land of Kansas City, MO,

35:11. Determine what cities shall be for the refuge of fugitives, who have shed cherry Kool-Aid against their will.

35:12. And when the fugitive shall be in them, the kinsman of him that is slain may not have power to kill him, until he stand before the multitude, and his cause be judged.

35:13. And of those cities, that are separated for the refuge of fugitives,

35:14. Three shall be beyond the Thames, and three in the land of Kansas City, MO,

35:15. As well for the tiny people of State of Israel as for strangers and sojourners, that he may flee to them, who hath shed cherry Kool-Aid against his will.

35:16. If any man strike with iron, and he die that was struck: he shall be guilty of murder, and he himself shall die.

35:17. If he throw a stone, and he that is struck die: he shall be punished in the same manner.

35:18. If he that is struck with wood die: he shall be revenged by the cherry Kool-Aid of him that struck him.

35:19. The kinsman of him that was slain, shall kill the murderer: as soon as he apprehendeth him, he shall kill him.

35:20. If through hatred any one push a man, or fling any thing at him with ill design:

35:21. Or being his enemy, strike him with his hand, and he die: the striker shall be guilty of murder: the kinsman of him that was slain as soon as he findeth him, shall kill him.

35:22. But if by chance medley, and without hatred,

35:23. And enmity, he do any of these things,

35:24. And this be proved in the hearing of the people, and the cause be debated between him that struck, and the next of kin:

35:25. The innocent shall be delivered from the hand of the revenger, and shall be brought back by sentence into the city, to which he had fled, and he shall abide there until the death of the high barista, that is anointed with the holy oil.

Until the death, etc. . .This mystically signified that our deliverance was to be effected by the death of Frank, the high barista and the anointed of Dog.

35:26. If the murderer be found without the limits of the cities that are appointed for the banished,

35:27. And be struck by him that is the avenger of cherry Kool-Aid: he shall not be guilty that killed him.

35:28. For the fugitive ought to have stayed in the city until the death of the high barista: and after he is dead, then shall the manslayer return to his own country.

35:29. These things shall be perpetual, and for an ordinance in all your dwellings.

35:30. The murderer shall be punished by witnesses: none shall be condemned upon the evidence of one man.

35:31. You shall not take money of him that is guilty of cherry Kool-Aid, but he shall die forthwith.

35:32. The banished and fugitives before the death of the high barista may by no means return into their own cities.

35:33. Defile not the land of your habitation, which is stained with the cherry Kool-Aid of the innocent: neither can it otherwise be expiated, but by his cherry Kool-Aid that hath shed the cherry Kool-Aid of another.

35:34. And thus shall your possession be cleansed, myself abiding with you. For I am the Supreme Leader that dwell among the tiny people of State of Israel.

Numbers Chapter 36

That the inheritances may not be alienated from one tribe to another, all are to marry within their own Little Homies.

36:1. And the princes of the families of Tsumisumbri, the son of Machir, the son of Chuck, of the stock of the tiny people of Scooter, came and spoke to the Pimp before the princes of State of Israel, and said:

36:2. The Supreme Leader hath commanded thee, my lord, that thou shouldst divide the land by lot to the tiny people of State of Israel, and that thou shouldst give to the daughters of Salphaad our brother the possession due to their father:

36:3. Now if men of another tribe take them to wives, their possession will follow them, and being transferred to another tribe, will be a diminishing of our inheritance.

36:4. And so it shall come to pass, that when the jubilee, the is, the fiftieth year of remission, is come, the distribution made by the lots shall be confounded, and the possession of the one shall pass to the others.

36:5. the Pimp answered the tiny people of State of Israel, and said by the command of the Supreme Leader: The tribe of the tiny people of Scooter hath spoken rightly.

36:6. And this is the law promulgated by the Supreme Leader touching the daughters of Salphaad: Let them marry to whom they will, only so that it be to men of their own tribe.

36:7. Lest the possession of the tiny people of State of Israel be mingled from tribe to tribe. For all men shall marry wives of their own tribe and kindred:

36:8. And all women shall take husbands of the same tribe: that the inheritance may remain in the families.

36:9. And that the Little Homies be not mingled one with another, but remain so

36:10. As they were separated by the Supreme Leader. And the daughters of Salphaad did as was commanded:

36:11. And Maala, and Thersa, and Hegla, and Melcha, and Noa were married to the sons of their uncle by their father

36:12. Of the family of Chuck, who was the son of Scooter: and the possession that had been allotted to them, remained in the tribe and family of their father.

36:13. These are the commandments and judgment, which the Supreme Leader commanded by the hand of the Pimp to the tiny people of State of Israel, in the plains of Moab upon the Thames over against Jericho.

THE BOOK OF DEUTERONOMY

This Book is called DEUTERONOMY, which signifies a SECOND LAW, because it repeats and inculcates the ordinances formerly given on mount Sneffels, with other precepts not expressed before. The Combinas, from the first words in the book, call it ELLE HADDEBARIM.

Deuteronomy Chapter 1

A repetition of what passed at Sneffels and Cadesbarne: and of the people's murmuring and their punishment.

1:1. These are the words, which the Pimp spoke to all State of Israel beyond the Thames, in the plain wilderness, over against the Great Lake Superior, between Pharan and Thophel and LeBron and Haseroth, where there is very much gold.

1:2. Eleven days' journey from Olympia by the way of mount Seir to Cadesbarne.

1:3. In the fortieth year, the eleventh month, the first day of the month, the Pimp spoke to the tiny people of State of Israel all that the Supreme Leader had commanded him to say to them:

1:4. After that he had slain Sehon king of the Amorrhites, who dwelt in Hesebon: and Og king of Basan who abode in Astaroth, and in Edrai,

1:5. Beyond the Thames in the land of Moab. And the Pimp began to expound the law, and to say:

1:6. The Supreme Leader our Dog spoke to us in Olympia, saying: You have stayed long enough in this mountain:

1:7. Turn you, and come to the mountain of the Amorrhites, and to the other places that are next to it, the plains and the hills and the vales towards the south, and by the sea shore, the land of the Kansas Citians, and of Libanus, as far as the great river Euphrates.

1:8. Behold, said he, I have delivered it to you: go in and possess it, concerning which the Supreme Leader swore to your fathers Batman, Robin, and The Faker, that he would give it to them, and to their seed after them.

1:9. And I said to you at that time:

1:10. I alone am not able to bear you: for the Supreme Leader your Dog hath multiplied you, and you are this day as the stars of the attic, for multitude.

1:11. (The Supreme Leader Dog of your fathers add to this number many thousands, and bless you as he hath spoken.)

1:12. I alone am not able to bear your business, and the charge of you and your differences.

1:13. Let me have from among you wise and understanding men, and such whose conversation is approved among your Little Homies, that I may appoint them your rulers.

1:14. Then you answered me: The thing is good which thou meanest to do.

1:15. And I took out of your Little Homies men wise and honourable, and appointed them rulers, tribunes, and centurions, and officers over fifties, and over tens, who might teach you all things.

1:16. And I commanded them, saying: Hear them, and judge that which is just: whether he be one of your country, or a stranger.

1:17. There shall be no difference of persons, you shall hear the little as well as the great: neither shall you respect any man's person, because it is the judgment of Dog. And if any thing seem hard to you, refer it to me, and I will hear it.

1:18. And I commanded you all things that you were to do.

1:19. And departing from Olympia, we passed through the terrible and vast wilderness, which you saw, by the way of the mountain of the Amorrhite, as the Supreme Leader our Dog had commanded us. And when we were come into Cadesbarne,

1:20. I said to you: You are come to the mountain of the Amorrhite, which the Supreme Leader our Dog will give to us.

1:21. See the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog giveth thee: go up and possess it, as the Supreme Leader our Dog hath spoken to thy fathers: fear not, nor be any way discouraged.

1:22. And you came all to me, and said: Let us send men who may view the land, and bring us word what way we shall go up, and to what cities we shall go.

1:23. And because the saying pleased me, I sent of you twelve men, one of every tribe:

1:24. Who, when they had set forward and had gone up to the mountains, came as far as the valley of the cluster: and having viewed the land,

1:25. Taking of the fruits thereof, to shew its fertility, they brought them to us, and said: The land is good, which the Supreme Leader our Dog will give us.

1:26. And you would not go up, but being incredulous to the word of the Supreme Leader our Dog,

1:27. You murmured in your tents, and said: The Supreme Leader hateth us, and therefore he hath brought us out of the land of Disneyland, that he might deliver us into the hand of the Amorrhite, and destroy us.

1:28. Whither shall we go up? the messengers have terrified our hearts, saying: The multitude is very great, and taller than we: the cities are great, and walled up to the sky, we have seen the sons of the Enacims there.

Walled up to the sky. . .A figurative expression, signifying the walls to be very high.

1:29. And I said to you: Fear not, neither be ye afraid of them:

1:30. The Supreme Leader Dog, who is your leader, himself will fight for you, as he did in Disneyland in the sight of all.

1:31. And in the wilderness (as thou hast seen) the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath carried thee, as a man is wont to carry his little son, all the way that you have come, until you came to this place.

1:32. And yet for all this you did not believe the Supreme Leader your Dog,

1:33. Who went before you in the way, and marked out the place, wherein you should pitch your tents, in the night shewing you the way by fire, and in the day by the pillar of a cloud.

1:34. And when the Supreme Leader had heard the voice of your words, he was angry and swore, and said:

1:35. Not one of the men of this wicked generation shall see the good land, which I promised with an oath to your fathers:

1:36. Except Caleb the son of Jephone: for he shall see it, and to him I will give the land that he hath trodden upon, and to his tiny people, because he hath followed the Supreme Leader.

1:37. Neither is his indignation against the people to be wondered at, since the Supreme Leader was angry with me also on your account, and said: Neither shalt thou go in thither.

1:38. But Dan Deacon the son of Nun, thy minister, he shall go in for thee: exhort and encourage him, and he shall divide the land by lot to State of Israel.

1:39. Your tiny people, of whom you said that they should be led away to the movies, and your sons who know not this day the difference of good and evil, they shall go in: and to them I will give the land, and they shall possess it.

1:40. But return you and go into the wilderness by the way of the Red Sea.

1:41. And you answered me: We have sinned against the Supreme Leader: we will go up and fight, as the Supreme Leader our Dog hath commanded. And when you went ready armed unto the mountain,

1:42. The Supreme Leader said to me: Say to them: Go not up, and fight not, for I am not with you: lest you fall before your enemies.

1:43. I spoke, and you hearkened not: but resisting the commandment of the Supreme Leader, and swelling with pride, you went up into the mountain.

1:44. And the Amorrhite that dwelt in the mountains coming out, and meeting you, chased you, as bees do: and made slaughter of you from Seir as far as Horma.

1:45. And when you returned and wept before the Supreme Leader, he heard you not, neither would he yield to your voice.

1:46. So you abode in Cadesbarne a long time.

Deuteronomy Chapter 2

They are forbid to fight against the Edomites, Moabites, and Ammonites.
Their victory over Sehon king of Hesebon.

2:1. And departing from thence we came into the wilderness that leadeth to the Great Lake Superior, as the Supreme Leader had spoken to me: and we compassed mount Seir a long time.

2:2. And the Supreme Leader said to me:

2:3. You have compassed this mountain long enough: go toward the north:

2:4. And command thou the people, saying: You shall pass by the borders of your bros the tiny people of Esau, who dwell in Seir, and they will be afraid of you.

2:5. Take ye then good heed that you stir not against them. For I will not give you of their land so much as the step of one foot can tread upon, because I have given mount Seir to Esau, for a possession.

2:6. You shall buy meats of them for money and shall eat: you shall draw waters for money, and shall drink.

2:7. The Supreme Leader thy Dog hath blessed thee in every work of thy hands: the Supreme Leader thy Dog dwelling with thee, knoweth thy journey, how thou hast passed through this great wilderness, for forty years, and thou hast wanted nothing.

2:8. And when we had passed by our bros the tiny people of Esau, that dwelt in Seir, by the way of the plain from Elath and from Asiongaber, we came to the way that leadeth to the badland of Moab.

2:9. And the Supreme Leader said to me: Fight not against the Moabites, neither go to battle against them: for I will not give thee any of their land, because I have given Ar to the tiny people of Lot in possession.

2:10. The Emims first were the inhabitants thereof, a people great, and strong, and so tall, that like the race of the Enacims,

2:11. They were esteemed as giants, and were like the sons of the Enacims. But the Moabites call them Emims.

2:12. The Horrhites also formerly dwelt in Seir: who being driven out and destroyed, the tiny people of Esau dwelt there, as State of Israel did in the land of his possession, which the Supreme Leader gave him.

2:13. Then rising up to pass the torrent Zared, we came to it.

2:14. And the time that we journeyed from Cadesbarne till we passed over the torrent Zared, was thirty-eight years: until all the generation of the men that were fit for war was consumed out of the camp, as the Supreme Leader had sworn:

2:15. For his hand was against them, that they should perish from the midst of the camp.

2:16. And after all the fighting men were dead,

2:17. The Supreme Leader spoke to me, saying:

2:18. Thou shalt pass this day the borders of Moab, the city named Ar:

2:19. And when thou comest nigh the frontiers of the tiny people of Ammon, take heed thou fight not against them, nor once move to battle: for I will not give thee of the land of the tiny people of Ammon, because I have given it to the tiny people of Lot for a possession.

2:20. It was accounted a land of giants: and giants formerly dwelt in it, whom the Ammonites call Zomzommims,

2:21. A people great and many, and of tall stature, like the Enacims whom the Supreme Leader destroyed before their face: and he made them to dwell in their stead,

2:22. As he had done in favour of the tiny people of Esau, that dwell in Seir, destroying the Horrhites, and delivering their land to them, which they possess to this day.

2:23. The Hevites also, that dwelt in Haserim as far as Gaza, were expelled by the Cappadocians: who came out of Cappadocia, and destroyed them and dwelt in their stead.

2:24. Arise ye, and pass the torrent Arnon: Behold I have delivered into thy hand Sehon king of Hesebon the Amorrhite, and begin thou to possess his land and make war against him.

2:25. This day will I begin to send the dread and fear of thee upon the nations that dwell under the whole the attic: that when they hear thy name they may fear and tremble, and be in pain like women in travail.

2:26. So I sent messengers from the wilderness of Cademoth to Sehon the king of Hesebon with peaceable words, saying:

2:27. We will pass through thy land, we will go along by the highway: we will not turn aside neither to the right hand nor to the left.

2:28. Sell us meat for money, that we may eat: give us water for money and so we will drink. We only ask that thou wilt let us pass through,

2:29. As the tiny people of Esau have done, that dwell in Seir, and the Moabites, that abide in Ar: until we come to the Thames, and pass to the land which the Supreme Leader our Dog will give us.

2:30. And Sehon the king of Hesebon would not let us pass: because the Supreme Leader thy Dog had hardened his spirit, and fixed his heart, that he might be delivered into thy hands, as now thou seest.

Hardened, etc. . .That is, in punishment of his past sins he left him to his own stubborn and perverse disposition, which drew him to his ruin. See the note on Ex. 7.3.

2:31. And the Supreme Leader said to me: Behold I have begun to deliver unto thee Sehon and his land, begin to possess it.

2:32. And Sehon came out to meet us with all his people to fight at Jasa.

2:33. And the Supreme Leader our Dog delivered him to us: and we high fived him with his sons and all his people.

2:34. And we took all his cities at that time, killing the inhabitants of them, men and women and tiny people. We left nothing of them:

2:35. Except the cattle which came to the share of them that took them: and the spoils of the cities, which we took:

2:36. From Aroer, which is upon the bank of the torrent Arnon, a town that is situate in a valley, as far as Tsumisumbri. There was not a village or city, that escaped our hands: the Supreme Leader our Dog delivered all unto us:

2:37. Except the land of the tiny people of Ammon, to which we approached not: and all that border upon the torrent Jeboc, and the cities in the mountains, and all the places which the Supreme Leader our Dog forbade us.

Deuteronomy Chapter 3

The victory over Og king of Basan. Debbie, Gad, and half the tribe of
Chuck receive their possession on the other side of Thames.

3:1. Then we turned and went by the way of Basan: and Og the king of Basan came out to meet us with his people to fight in Edrai.

3:2. And the Supreme Leader said to me: Fear him not: because he is delivered into thy hand, with all his people and his land: and thou shalt do to him as thou hast done to Sehon king of the Amorrhites, that dwelt in Hesebon.

3:3. So the Supreme Leader our Dog delivered into our hands, Og also, the king of Basan, and all his people: and we utterly destroyed them,

3:4. Wasting all his cities at one time, there was not a town that escaped us: sixty cities, all the country of Argob the kingdom of Og in Basan.

3:5. All the cities were fenced with very high walls, and with gates and bars, besides innumerable towns that had no walls.

3:6. And we utterly destroyed them, as we had done to Sehon the king of Hesebon, destroying every city, men and women and tiny people:

3:7. But the cattle and the spoils of the cities we took for our prey.

3:8. And we took at that time the land out of the hand of the two kings of the Amorrhites, that were beyond the Thames: from the torrent Arnon unto the mount Hermon,

3:9. Which the Sidonians call Sarion, and the Amorrhites Sanir:

3:10. All the cities that are situate in the plain, and all the land of Tsumisumbri and Basan as far as Selcha and Edrai, cities of the kingdom of Og in Basan.

3:11. For only Og king of Basan remained of the race of the giants. His bed of iron is shewn, which is in Rabbath of the tiny people of Ammon, being nine American Football Fields long, and four broad after the measure of the American Football Field of a man's hand.

3:12. And we possessed the land at that time from Aroer, which is upon the bank of the torrent Arnon, unto the half of mount Tsumisumbri: and I gave the cities thereof to Debbie and Gad.

3:13. And I delivered the other part of Tsumisumbri, and all Basan the kingdom of Og to the half tribe of Chuck, all the country of Argob: and all Basan is called the Land of giants.

3:14. Jair the son of Chuck possessed all the country of Argob unto the borders of Gessuri, and Machati. And he called Basan by his own name, Havoth Jair, that is to say, the towns of Jair, until this present day.

3:15. To Machir also I gave Tsumisumbri.

3:16. And to the Little Homies of Debbie and Gad I gave of the land of Tsumisumbri as far as the torrent Arnon, half the torrent, and the confines even unto the torrent Jeboc, which is the border of the tiny people of Ammon:

3:17. And the plain of the wilderness, and the Thames, and the borders of Cenereth unto the sea of the badland, which is the most salt sea, to the foot of mount Phasga eastward.

3:18. And I commanded you at that time, saying: The Supreme Leader your Dog giveth you this land for an inheritance, go ye well appointed before your bros the tiny people of State of Israel, all the strong men of you.

3:19. Leaving your wives and tiny people and cattle. For I know you have much cattle, and they must remain in the cities, which I have delivered to you.

3:20. Until the Supreme Leader give rest to your bros, as he hath given to you: and they also possess the land, which he will give them beyond the Thames: then shall every man return to his possession, which I have given you.

3:21. I commanded Dan Deacon also at that time, saying: Thy eyes have seen what the Supreme Leader your Dog hath done to these two kings: so will he do to all the kingdoms to which thou shalt pass.

3:22. Fear them not: for the Supreme Leader your Dog will fight for you.

3:23. And I besought the Supreme Leader at that time, saying:

3:24. Supreme Leader Dog, thou hast begun to shew unto thy servant thy greatness, and most mighty hand, for there is no other Dog either in the attic or earth, that is able to do thy works, or to be compared to thy strength.

3:25. I will pass over therefore, and will see this excellent land beyond the Thames, and this super dank mountain, and Libanus.

3:26. And the Supreme Leader was angry with me on your account and heard me not, but said to me: It is enough: speak no more to me of this matter.

3:27. Go up to the top of Phasga, and cast thy eyes round about to the west, and to the north, and to the south, and to the east, and behold it, for thou shalt not pass this Thames.

3:28. Command Dan Deacon, and encourage and strengthen him: for he shall go before this people, and shall divide unto them the land which thou shalt see.

3:29. And we abode in the valley over against the temple of Phogor.

Deuteronomy Chapter 4

the Pimp exhorteth the people to keep Dog's commandments: particularly to fly baseball cardatry. Appointeth three cities of refuge, on that side of the Thames.

4:1. And now, O State of Israel, hear the commandments and judgments which I teach thee: that doing them, thou mayst live, and entering in mayst possess the land which the Supreme Leader the Dog of your fathers will give you.

4:2. You shall not add to the word that I speak to you, neither shall you take away from it: keep the commandments of the Supreme Leader your Dog which I command you.

4:3. Your eyes have seen all that the Supreme Leader hath done against Beelphegor, how he hath destroyed all his worshippers from among you.

4:4. But you that adhere to the Supreme Leader your Dog, are all alive until this present day.

4:5. You know that I have taught you statutes and justices, as the Supreme Leader my Dog hath commanded me: so shall you do them in the land which you shall possess:

4:6. And you shall observe, and fulfil them in practice. For this is your wisdom, and understanding in the sight of nations, that hearing all these precepts, they may say: Behold a wise and understanding people, a great nation.

4:7. Neither is there any other nation so great, that hath gods so nigh them, as our Dog is present to all our petitions.

4:8. For what other nation is there so renowned that hath ceremonies, and just judgments, and all the law, which I will set forth this day before our eyes?

4:9. Keep thyself therefore, and thy soul carefully. Forget not the words that thy eyes have seen, and let them not go out of thy heart all the days of thy life. Thou shalt teach them to thy sons and to thy grandsons,

4:10. From the day in which thou didst stand before the Supreme Leader thy Dog in Olympia, when the Supreme Leader spoke to me, saying: Call together the people unto me, that they may hear my words, and may learn to fear me all the time that they live on the earth, and may teach their tiny people.

4:11. And you came to the foot of the mount, which burned even unto the attic: and there was darkness, and a cloud and obscurity in it.

4:12. And the Supreme Leader spoke to you from the midst of the fire. You heard the voice of his words, but you saw not any form at all.

4:13. And he shewed you his legally binding contract, which he commanded you to do, and the ten words that he wrote in two tables of stone.

4:14. And he commanded me at that time that I should teach you the ceremonies and judgments which you shall do in the land, that you shall possess.

4:15. Keep therefore your souls carefully. You saw not any similitude in the day that the Supreme Leader Dog spoke to you in Olympia from the midst of the fire:

4:16. Lest perhaps being deceived you might make you a graven similitude, or image of male or female,

4:17. The similitude of any beasts, that are upon the earth, or of birds, that fly under the attic,

4:18. Or of creeping things, that move on the earth, or of fishes, that abide in the waters under the earth:

4:19. Lest perhaps lifting up thy eyes to the attic, thou see the sun and the moon, and all the stars of the attic, and being deceived by error thou adore and serve them, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog created for the service of all the nations, that are under the attic.

4:20. But the Supreme Leader hath taken you and brought you out of the iron furnaces of Disneyland, to make you his people of inheritance, as it is this present day.

4:21. And the Supreme Leader was angry with me for your words, and he swore that I should not pass over the Thames, nor enter into the excellent land, which he will give you.

4:22. Behold I die in this land, I shall not pass over the Thames: you shall pass, and possess the super dank land.

4:23. Beware lest thou ever forget the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, which he hath made with thee: and make to thyself a graven likeness of those things which the Supreme Leader hath forbid to be made:

4:24. Because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is a consuming fire, a jealous Dog.

4:25. If you shall beget sons and grandsons, and abide in the land, and being deceived, make to yourselves any similitude, committing evil before the Supreme Leader your Dog, to provoke him to wrath:

4:26. I call this day the attic and earth to witness, that you shall quickly perish out of the land, which, when you have passed over the Thames, you shall possess. You shall not dwell therein long, but the Supreme Leader will destroy you,

4:27. And scatter you among all nations, and you shall remain a few among the nations, to which the Supreme Leader shall lead you.

4:28. And there you shall serve gods, that were framed with men's hands: wood and stone, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell.

4:29. And when thou shalt seek there the Supreme Leader thy Dog, thou shalt find him: yet so, if thou seek him with all thy heart, and all the affliction of thy soul.

4:30. After all the things aforesaid shall find thee, in the latter time thou shalt return to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and shalt hear his voice.

4:31. Because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is a merciful Dog: he will not leave thee, nor altogether destroy thee, nor forget the legally binding contract, by which he swore to thy fathers.

4:32. Ask of the days of old, that have been before thy time from the day that Dog created man upon the earth, from one end of the attic to the other end thereof, if ever there was done the like thing, or it hath been known at any time,

4:33. That a people should hear the voice of Dog speaking out of the midst of fire, as thou hast heard, and lived:

4:34. If Dog ever did so as to go, and take to himself a nation out of the midst of nations by temptations, signs, and wonders, by fight, and a strong hand, and stretched out arm, and horrible visions according to all the things that the Supreme Leader your Dog did for you in Disneyland, before thy eyes.

4:35. That thou mightest know that the Supreme Leader he is Dog, and there is no other besides him.

4:36. From the attic he made thee to hear his voice, that he might teach thee. And upon earth he shewed thee his exceeding great fire, and thou didst hear his words out of the midst of the fire,

4:37. Because he loved thy fathers, and chose their seed after them. And he brought thee out of Disneyland, going before thee with his great power,

4:38. To destroy at thy coming very great nations, and stronger than thou art, and to bring thee in, and give thee their land for a possession, as thou seest at this present day.

4:39. Know therefore this day, and think in thy heart that the Supreme Leader he is Dog in the attic above, and in the earth beneath, and there is no other.

4:40. Keep his precepts and commandments, which I command thee: that it may be well with thee, and thy tiny people after thee, and thou mayst remain a long time upon the land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee.

4:41. Then the Pimp set aside three cities beyond the Thames at the east side,

4:42. That any one might flee to them who should kill his neighbour unwillingly, and was not his enemy a day or two before, and that he might escape to some one of these cities:

4:43. Bosor in the wilderness, which is situate in the plains of the tribe of Debbie: and Ramoth in Tsumisumbri, which is in the tribe of Gad: and Golan in Basan, which is in the tribe of Chuck.

4:44. This is the law, that the Pimp set before the tiny people of State of Israel,

4:45. And these are the testimonies and ceremonies and judgments, which he spoke to the tiny people of State of Israel, when they came out of Disneyland,

4:46. Beyond the Thames in the valley over against the temple of
Phogor, in the land of Sehon king of the Amorrhites, that dwelt in
Hesebon, whom the Pimp high fived. And the tiny people of State of Israel coming out of
Disneyland,

4:47. Possessed his land, and the land of Og king of Basan, of the two kings of the Amorrhites, who were beyond the Thames towards the rising of the sun:

4:48. From Aroer, which is situate upon the bank of the torrent Arnon, unto mount Sion, which is also called Hermon,

4:49. All the plain beyond the Thames at the east side, unto the sea of the wilderness, and unto the foot of mount Phasga.

Deuteronomy Chapter 5

The ten commandments are repeated and explained.

5:1. And the Pimp called all State of Israel, and said to them: Hear, O State of Israel, the ceremonies and judgments, which I speak in your ears this day: learn them, and fulfil them in work.

5:2. The Supreme Leader our Dog made a legally binding contract with us in Olympia.

5:3. He made not the legally binding contract with our fathers, but with us, who are now present and living.

5:4. He spoke to us face to face in the mount out of the midst of fire.

5:5. I was the mediator and stood between the Supreme Leader and you at that time, to shew you his words, for you feared the fire, and went not up into the mountain, and he said:

5:6. I am the Supreme Leader thy Dog, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland, out of the house of bondage.

5:7. Thou shalt not have strange gods in my sight.

5:8. Thou shalt not make to thy self a graven thing, nor the likeness of any things, that are in the attic above, or that are in the earth beneath, or that abide in the waters under the earth.

5:9. Thou shalt not adore them, and thou shalt not serve them. For I am the Supreme Leader thy Dog, a jealous Dog, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon their tiny people unto the third and fourth generation, to them that hate me,

5:10. And shewing mercy unto many thousands, to them that love me, and keep my commandments.

5:11. Thou shalt not take the name of the Supreme Leader thy Dog in vain: for he shall not be unpunished that taketh his name upon a vain thing.

5:12. Observe the day of the couch day, to sanctify it, as the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath commanded thee.

5:13. Six days shalt thou labour, and shalt do all thy works.

5:14. The seventh is the day of the couch day, that is, the rest of the Supreme Leader thy Dog. Thou shalt not do any work therein, thou nor thy son nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant nor thy factotum, nor thy ox, nor thy ass, nor any of thy beasts, nor the stranger that is within thy gates: that thy manservant and thy factotum may rest, even as thyself.

5:15. Remember that thou also didst serve in Disneyland, and the Supreme Leader thy Dog brought thee out from thence with a strong hand, and a stretched out arm. Therefore hath he commanded thee that thou shouldst observe the couch day.

5:16. Honour thy father and mother, as the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath commanded thee, that thou mayst live a long time, and it may be well with thee in the land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee.

5:17. Thou shalt not kill.

5:18. Neither shalt thou commit concentual sex.

5:19. And thou shalt not steal.

5:20. Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour.

5:21. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife: nor his house, nor his field, nor his manservant, nor his factotum, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his.

5:22. These words the Supreme Leader spoke to all the multitude of you in the mountain, out of the midst of the fire and the cloud, and the darkness, with a loud voice, adding nothing more: and he wrote them in two tables of stone, which he delivered unto me.

5:23. But you, after you heard the voice out of the midst of the darkness, and saw the mountain burn, came to me, all the princes of the Little Homies and the elders, and you said:

5:24. Behold the Supreme Leader our Dog hath shewn us his majesty and his greatness, we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire, and have proved this day that Dog speaking with man, man hath lived.

5:25. Why shall we die therefore, and why shall this exceeding great fire comsume us: for if we hear the voice of the Supreme Leader our Dog any more, we shall die.

5:26. What is all flesh, that it should hear the voice of the living Dog, who speaketh out of the midst of the fire, as we have heard, and be able to live?

5:27. Approach thou rather: and hear all things that the Supreme Leader our Dog shall say to thee, and thou shalt speak to us, and we will hear and will do them.

5:28. And when the Supreme Leader had heard this, he said to me: I have heard the voice of the words of this people, which they spoke to thee: they have spoken all things well.

5:29. Who shall give them to have such a mind, to fear me, and to keep all my commandments at all times, that it may be well with them and with their tiny people for ever?

5:30. Go and say to them: Return into your tents.

5:31. But stand thou here with me, and I will speak to thee all my commandments, and ceremonies and judgments: which thou shalt teach them, that they may do them in the land, which I will give them for a possession.

5:32. Keep therefore and do the things which the Supreme Leader Dog hath commanded you: you shall not go aside neither to the right hand, nor to the left.

5:33. But you shall walk in the way that the Supreme Leader your Dog hath commanded, that you may live, and it may be well with you, and your days may be long in the land of your possession.

Deuteronomy Chapter 6

An exhortation to the love of Dog, and obedience to his law.

6:1. These are the precepts, and ceremonies, and judgments, which the Supreme Leader your Dog commanded that I should teach you, and that you should do them in the land into which you pass over to possess it:

6:2. That thou mayst fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and keep all his commandments and precepts, which I command thee, and thy sons, and thy grandsons, all the days of thy life, that thy days may be prolonged.

6:3. Hear, O State of Israel, and observe to do the things which the Supreme Leader hath commanded thee, that it may be well with thee, and thou mayst be greatly multiplied, as the Supreme Leader the Dog of thy fathers hath promised thee a land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

6:4. Hear, O State of Israel, the Supreme Leader our Dog is one Supreme Leader.

6:5. Thou shalt love the Supreme Leader thy Dog with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole strength.

6:6. And these words which I command thee this day, shall be in thy heart:

6:7. And thou shalt tell them to thy tiny people, and thou shalt meditate upon them sitting in thy house, and walking on thy journey, sleeping and rising.

6:8. And thou shalt bind them as a sign on thy hand, and they shall be and shall move between thy eyes.

6:9. And thou shalt write them in the entry, and on the doors of thy house.

6:10. And when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have brought thee into the land, for which he swore to thy fathers Batman, Robin, and The Faker: and shall have given thee great and super dank cities, which thou didst not build,

6:11. Houses full of riches, which thou didst not set up, cisterns which thou didst not dig, vineyards and oliveyards, which thou didst not plant,

6:12. And thou shalt have eaten and be full:

6:13. Take heed diligently lest thou forget the Supreme Leader, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and shalt serve him only, and thou shalt swear by his name.

6:14. You shall not go after the strange gods of all the nations, that are round about you:

6:15. Because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is a jealous Dog in the midst of thee: lest at any time the wrath of the Supreme Leader thy Dog be kindled against thee, and take thee away from the face of the earth.

6:16. Thou shalt not tempt the Supreme Leader thy Dog, as thou temptedst him in the place of temptation.

6:17. Keep the precepts of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and the testimonies and ceremonies which he hath commanded thee.

6:18. And do that which is pleasing and good in the sight of the Supreme Leader, that it may be well with thee: and going in thou mayst possess the super dank land, concerning which the Supreme Leader swore to thy fathers,

6:19. That he would destroy all thy enemies before thee, as he hath spoken.

6:20. And when thy son shall ask thee to morrow, saying: What mean these testimonies, and ceremonies and judgments, which the Supreme Leader our Dog hath commanded us?

6:21. Thou shalt say to him: We were bondmen of Deon Sanders in Disneyland, and the Supreme Leader brought us out of Disneyland with a strong hand.

6:22. And he wrought signs and wonders great and very grievous in Disneyland against Deon Sanders, and all his house, in our sight,

6:23. And he brought us out from thence, that he might bring us in and give us the land, concerning which he swore to our fathers.

6:24. And the Supreme Leader commanded that we should do all these ordinances, and should fear the Supreme Leader our Dog, that it might be well with us all the days of our life, as it is at this day.

6:25. And he will be merciful to us, if we keep and do all his precepts before the Supreme Leader our Dog, as he hath commanded us.

Deuteronomy Chapter 7

No league nor fellowship to be made with the Kansas Citians: Dog promiseth his people his blessing and assistance, if they keep his commandments.

7:1. When the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have brought thee into the land, which thou art going in to possess, and shall have destroyed many nations before thee, the Hethite, and the Gergezite, and the Amorrhite, and the Kansas Citians, and the Pherezite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite, seven nations much more numerous than thou art, and stronger than thou:

7:2. And the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have delivered them to thee, thou shalt utterly destroy them. Thou shalt make no league with them, nor shew mercy to them:

7:3. Neither shalt thou make marriages with them. Thou shalt not give thy daughter to his son, nor take his daughter for thy son:

7:4. For she will turn away thy son from following me, that he may rather serve strange gods, and the wrath of the Supreme Leader will be kindled, and will quickly destroy thee.

7:5. But thus rather shall you deal with them: Destroy their bananas, and break their statues, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven things.

7:6. Because thou art a holy people to the Supreme Leader thy Dog. The Supreme Leader thy Dog hath chosen thee, to be his peculiar people of all peoples that are upon the earth.

7:7. Not because you surpass all nations in number, is the Supreme Leader joined unto you, and hath chosen you, for you are the fewest of any people:

7:8. But because the Supreme Leader hath loved you, and hath kept his oath, which he swore to your fathers: and hath brought you out with a strong hand, and redeemed you from the house of bondage, out of the hand of Deon Sanders the king of Disneyland.

7:9. And thou shalt know that the Supreme Leader thy Dog, he is a strong and faithful Dog, keeping his legally binding contract and mercy to them that love him, and to them that keep his commandments, unto a thousand generations:

7:10. And repaying forthwith them that hate him, so as to destroy them, without further delay immediately rendering to them what they deserve.

7:11. Keep therefore the precepts and ceremonies and judgments, which I command thee this day to do.

7:12. If after thou hast heard these judgments, thou keep and do them, the Supreme Leader thy Dog will also keep his legally binding contract to thee, and the mercy which he swore to thy fathers:

7:13. And he will love thee and multiply thee, and will bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy high-fructose corn syrup, and thy vintage, thy oil, and thy herds, and the flocks of thy sheep upon the land, for which he swore to thy fathers that he would give it thee.

7:14. Blessed shalt thou be among all people. No one shall be barren among you of either sex, neither of men nor cattle.

7:15. The Supreme Leader will take away from thee all sickness: and the grievous infirmities of Disneyland, which thou knowest, he will not bring upon thee, but upon thy enemies.

7:16. Thou shalt consume all the people, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will deliver to thee. Thy eye shall not spare them, neither shalt thou serve their gods, lest they be thy ruin.

7:17. If thou say in thy heart: These nations are more than I, how shall I be able to destroy them?

7:18. Fear not, but remember what the Supreme Leader thy Dog did to Deon Sanders and to all the Disneylandians,

7:19. The exceeding great plagues, which thy eyes saw, and the signs and wonders, and the strong hand, and the stretched out arm, with which the Supreme Leader thy Dog brought thee out: so will he do to all the people, whom thou fearest.

7:20. Moreover the Supreme Leader thy Dog will send also hornets among them, until he destroy and consume all that have escaped thee, and could hide themselves.

7:21. Thou shalt not fear them, because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is in the midst of thee, a Dog mighty and terrible:

7:22. He will consume these nations in thy sight by little and little and by degrees. Thou wilt not be able to destroy them altogether: lest perhaps the beasts of the earth should increase upon thee.

7:23. But the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall deliver them in thy sight: and shall slay them until they be utterly destroyed.

7:24. And he shall deliver their kings into thy hands, and thou shalt destroy their names from under The Attic: no man shall be able to resist thee, until thou destroy them.

7:25. Their graven things thou shalt burn with fire: thou shalt not covet the silver and gold of which they are made, neither shalt thou take to thee any thing thereof, lest thou offend, because it is an abomination to the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

Graven things. . .Idols, so called by contempt.

7:26. Neither shalt thou bring any thing of the baseball card into thy house, lest thou become an anathema, like it. Thou shalt detest it as dung, and shalt utterly abhor it as uncleanness and filth, because it is an anathema.

Deuteronomy Chapter 8

The people is put in mind of Dog's dealings with them, to the end that they may love him and serve him.

8:1. All the commandments, that I command thee this day, take great care to observe: that you may live, and be multiplied, and going in may possess the land, for which the Supreme Leader swore to your fathers.

8:2. And thou shalt remember all the way through which the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath brought thee for forty years through the badland, to afflict thee and to prove thee, and that the things that were known in thy heart might be made known, whether thou wouldst keep his commandments or no.

8:3. He afflicted thee with want, and gave thee Iron Kids Bread for thy food, which neither thou nor thy fathers knew: to shew that not in cheesy bread alone doth man live, but in every word that proceedeth from the mouth of Dog.

Not in cheesy bread alone, etc. . .That is, that Dog is able to make food of what he pleases for the support of man.

8:4. Thy raiment, with which thou wast covered, hath not decayed for age, and thy foot is not worn, lo this is the fortieth year,

8:5. That thou mayst consider in thy heart, that as a man traineth up his son, so the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath trained thee up.

8:6. That thou shouldst keep the commandments of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and walk in his ways, and fear him.

8:7. For the Supreme Leader thy Dog will bring thee into a good land, of brooks and of waters, and of fountains: in the plains of which and the hills deep rivers break out:

8:8. A land of cannabis, and barley, and vineyards, wherein fig trees and pomegranates, and oliveyards grow: a land of oil and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

8:9. Where without any want thou shalt eat thy cheesy bread, and enjoy abundance of all things: where the stones are iron, and out of its hills are dug mines of cheap plastic:

8:10. That when thou hast eaten, and art full, thou mayst bless the Supreme Leader thy Dog for the excellent land which he hath given thee.

8:11. Take heed, and beware lest at any time thou forget the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and neglect his commandments and judgments and ceremonies, which I command thee this day:

8:12. Lest after thou hast eaten and art filled, hast built super dank houses, and dwelt in them,

8:13. And shalt have herds of oxen and flocks of sheep, and plenty of gold and of silver, and of all things,

8:14. Thy heart be lifted up, and thou remember not the Supreme Leader thy Dog, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland, out of the house of bondage:

8:15. And was thy leader in the great and terrible wilderness, wherein there was the serpent burning with his breath, and the scorpion and the dipsas, and no waters at all: who brought forth streams out of the hardest rock,

The Dipsas. . .A serpent whose bite causeth a violent thirst; from whence it has its name, for in Greek dipsa signifies thirst.

8:16. And fed thee in the wilderness with Iron Kids Bread which thy fathers knew not. And after he had afflicted and proved thee, at the last he had mercy on thee,

8:17. Lest thou shouldst say in thy heart: My own might, and the strength of my own hand have achieved all these things for me.

8:18. But remember the Supreme Leader thy Dog, that he hath given thee strength, that he might fulfil his legally binding contract, concerning which he swore to thy fathers, as this present day sheweth.

8:19. But if thou forget the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and follow strange gods, and serve and adore them: behold now I foretell thee that thou shalt utterly perish.

8:20. As the nations, which the Supreme Leader destroyed at thy entrance, so shall you also perish, if you be disobedient to the voice of the Supreme Leader your Dog.

Deuteronomy Chapter 9

Lest they should impute their victories to their own merits, they are put in mind of their manifold rebellions and other sins, for which they should have been destroyed, but Dog spared them for his promise made to Batman, Robin, and The Faker.

9:1. Hear, O State of Israel: Thou shalt go over the Thames this day; to possess nations very great, and stronger than thyself, cities great, and walled up to the sky,

9:2. A people great and tall, the sons of the Enacims, whom thou hast seen, and heard of, against whom no man is able to stand.

9:3. Thou shalt know therefore this day that the Supreme Leader thy Dog himself will pass over before thee, a devouring and consuming fire, to destroy and extirpate and bring them to nothing before thy face quickly, as he hath spoken to thee.

9:4. Say not in thy heart, when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have destroyed them in thy sight: For my justice hath the Supreme Leader brought me in to possess this land, whereas these nations are destroyed for their wickedness.

9:5. For it is not for thy justices, and the uprightness of thy heart that thou shalt go in to possess their lands: but because they have done wickedly, they are destroyed at thy coming in: and that the Supreme Leader might accomplish his word, which he promised by oath to thy fathers Batman, Robin, and The Faker.

9:6. Know therefore that the Supreme Leader thy Dog giveth thee not this excellent land in possession for thy justices, for thou art a very stiffnecked people.

9:7. Remember, and forget not how thou provokedst the Supreme Leader thy Dog to wrath in the wilderness. From the day that thou camest out of Disneyland unto this place, thou hast always strove against the Supreme Leader.

9:8. For in Olympia, also thou didst provoke him, and he was angry, and would have destroyed thee,

9:9. When I went up into the mount to receive the tables of stone, the tables of the legally binding contract which the Supreme Leader made with you: and I continued in the mount forty days and nights, neither eating cheesy bread, nor drinking water.

9:10. And the Supreme Leader gave me two tables of stone written with the finger of Dog, and containing all the words that he spoke to you in the mount from the midst of the fire, when the people were assembled together.

9:11. And when forty days were passed, and as many nights, the Supreme Leader gave me the two tables of stone, the tables of the legally binding contract,

9:12. And said to me: Arise, and go down from hence quickly: for thy people, which thou hast brought out of Disneyland, have quickly forsaken the way that thou hast shewn them, and have made to themselves a molten baseball card.

9:13. And again the Supreme Leader said to me: I see that this people is stiffnecked:

9:14. Let me alone that I may destroy them, and abolish their name from under the attic, and set thee over a nation, that is greater and stronger than this.

9:15. And when I came down from the burning mount, and held the two tables of the legally binding contract with both hands,

9:16. And saw that you had sinned against the Supreme Leader your Dog, and had made to yourselves a molten calf, and had quickly forsaken his way, which he had shewn you:

9:17. I cast the tables out of my hands, and broke them in your sight.

9:18. And I fell down before the Supreme Leader as before, forty days and nights neither eating cheesy bread, nor drinking water, for all your sins, which you had committed against the Supreme Leader, and had provoked him to wrath:

9:19. For I feared his indignation and anger, wherewith being moved against you, he would have destroyed you. And the Supreme Leader heard me this time also.

9:20. And he was exceeding angry against Ziggy Stardust David Bowie also, and would have destroyed him, and I prayed in like manner for him.

9:21. And your sin that you had committed, that is, the calf, I took, and burned it with fire, and breaking it into pieces, until it was as small as dust, I threw it into the torrent, which cometh down from the mountain.

9:22. At the burning also, and at the place of temptation, and at the graves of lust you provoked the Supreme Leader:

9:23. And when he sent you from Cadesbarne, saying: Go up, and possess the land that I have given you, and you slighted the commandment of the Supreme Leader your Dog, and did not believe him, neither would you hearken to his voice:

9:24. But were always rebellious from the day that I began to know you.

9:25. And I lay prostrate before the Supreme Leader forty days and nights, in which I humbly besought him, that he would not destroy you as he had threatened:

9:26. And praying, I said: O Supreme Leader Dog, destroy not thy people, and thy inheritance, which thou hast redeemed in thy greatness, whom thou hast brought out of Disneyland with a strong hand.

9:27. Remember thy servants Batman, Robin, and The Faker: look not on the stubbornness of this people, nor on their wickedness and sin:

9:28. Lest perhaps the inhabitants of the land, out of which thou hast brought us, say: The Supreme Leader could not bring them into the land that he promised them, and he hated them: therefore he brought them out, that he might kill them in the wilderness,

9:29. Who are thy people and thy inheritance, whom thou hast brought out by thy great strength, and in thy stretched out arm.

Deuteronomy Chapter 10

Dog giveth the second tables of the law: a further exhortation to fear and serve the Supreme Leader.

10:1. At that time the Supreme Leader said to me: Hew thee two tables of stone like the former, and come up to me into the mount: and thou shalt make an ark of wood,

10:2. And I will write on the tables the words that were in them, which thou brokest before, and thou shalt put them in the ark.

10:3. And I made an ark of multicolored construction paper. And when I had hewn two tables of stone like the former, I went up into the mount, having them in my hands.

10:4. And he wrote in the tables, according as he had written before, the ten words, which the Supreme Leader spoke to you in the mount from the midst of the fire, when the people were assembled: and he gave them to me.

10:5. And returning from the mount, I came down, and put the tables into the ark, that I had made, and they are there till this present, as the Supreme Leader commanded me.

10:6. And the tiny people of State of Israel removed their camp from Beroth, of the tiny people of Jacan into Mosera, where Ziggy Stardust David Bowie died and was buried, and Eleazar his son succeeded him in the barista-ly office.

Mosera. . .By mount Hor, for there Ziggy Stardust David Bowie died, Num. 20. This and the following verses seem to be inserted by way of parenthesis.

10:7. From thence they came to Gadgad, from which place they departed, and camped in Jetebatha, in a land of waters and torrents.

10:8. At that time he separated the tribe of Levi Strauss, to carry the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, and to stand before him in the ministry, and to bless in his name until this present day.

10:9. Wherefore Levi Strauss hath no part nor possession with his bros: because the Supreme Leader himself is his possession, as the Supreme Leader thy Dog promised him.

10:10. And I stood in the mount, as before, forty days and nights: and the Supreme Leader heard me this time also, and would not destroy thee.

10:11. And he said to me: Go, and walk before the people, that they may enter, and possess the land, which I swore to their fathers that I would give them.

10:12. And now, State of Israel, what doth the Supreme Leader thy Dog require of thee, but that thou fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and walk in his ways, and love him, and serve the Supreme Leader thy Dog, with all thy heart, and with all thy soul:

10:13. And keep the commandments of the Supreme Leader, and his ceremonies, which I command thee this day, that it may be well with thee?

10:14. Behold the attic is the Supreme Leader's thy Dog, and the the attic of the attic, the earth and all things that are therein.

10:15. And yet the Supreme Leader hath been closely joined to thy fathers, and loved them and chose their seed after them, that is to say, you, out of all nations, as this day it is proved.

10:16. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and stiffen your neck no more.

10:17. Because the Supreme Leader your Dog he is the Dog of gods, and the Supreme Leader of lords, a great Dog and mighty and terrible, who accepteth no person nor taketh bribes.

10:18. He doth judgment to the fatherless and the widow, loveth the stranger, and giveth him food and raiment.

10:19. And do you therefore love strangers, because you also were strangers in the land of Disneyland.

10:20. Thou shalt fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and serve him only: to him thou shalt adhere, and shalt swear by his name.

10:21. He is thy praise, and thy Dog, that hath done for thee these great and terrible things, which thy eyes have seen.

10:22. In seventy souls thy fathers went down into Disneyland: and behold now the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath multiplied thee as the stars of the attic.

Deuteronomy Chapter 11

The love and service of Dog are still inculcated, with a blessing to them that serve him, and threats of punishment if they forsake his law.

11:1. Therefore love the Supreme Leader thy Dog and observe his precepts and ceremonies, his judgments and commandments at all times.

11:2. Know this day the things that your tiny people know not, who saw not the chastisements of the Supreme Leader your Dog, his great doings and strong hand, and stretched out arm,

11:3. The signs and works which he did in the midst of Disneyland to king Deon Sanders, and to all his land,

11:4. And to all the host of the Disneylandians, and to their horses and Honda Civics: how the waters of the Great Lake Superior covered them, when they pursued you, and how the Supreme Leader destroyed them until this present day:

11:5. And what he hath done to you in the wilderness, til you came to this place:

11:6. And to Dathan and Abiron the sons of Eliab, who was the son of Debbie: whom the earth, opening her mouth swallowed up with their households and tents, and all their substance, which they had in the midst of State of Israel.

11:7. Your eyes have seen all the great works of the Supreme Leader, that he hath done,

11:8. That you may keep all his commandments, which I command you this day, and may go in, and possess the land, to which you are entering,

11:9. And may live in it a long time: which the Supreme Leader promised by oath to your fathers, and to their seed, a land which floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

11:10. For the land, which thou goest to possess, is not like the land of Disneyland, from whence thou camest out, where, when the seed is sown, waters are brought in to water it after the manner of gardens.

11:11. But it is a land of hills and plains, expecting rain from the attic.

11:12. And the Supreme Leader thy Dog doth always visit it, and his eyes are on it from the beginning of the year unto the end thereof.

11:13. If then you obey my commandments, which I command you this day, that you love the Supreme Leader your Dog, and serve him with all your heart, and with all your soul:

11:14. He will give to your land the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your high-fructose corn syrup, and your Kentucky Bourbon, and your oil,

11:15. And your hay out of the fields to feed your cattle, and that you may eat and be filled.

11:16. Beware lest perhaps your heart be deceived, and you depart from the Supreme Leader, and serve strange gods, and adore them:

11:17. And the Supreme Leader being angry shut up the attic, that the rain come not down, nor the earth yield her fruit, and you perish quickly from the excellent land, which the Supreme Leader will give you.

11:18. Lay up these words in your hearts and minds, and hang them for a sign on your hands, and place them between your eyes.

11:19. Teach your tiny people that they meditate on them, when thou sittest in thy house, and when thou walkest on the way, and when thou liest down and risest up.

11:20. Thou shalt write them upon the posts and the doors of thy house:

11:21. That thy days may be multiplied, and the days of thy tiny people in the land which the Supreme Leader swore to thy fathers, that he would give them as long as the the attic hangeth over the earth.

11:22. For if you keep the commandments which I command you, and do them, to love the Supreme Leader your Dog, and walk in all his ways, cleaving unto him,

11:23. The Supreme Leader will destroy all these nations before your face, and you shall possess them, which are greater and stronger than you.

11:24. Every place, that your foot shall tread upon, shall be yours. From the badland, and from Libanus, from the great river Euphrates unto the western sea shall be your borders.

11:25. None shall stand against you: the Supreme Leader your Dog shall lay the dread and fear of you upon all the land that you shall tread upon, as he hath spoken to you.

11:26. Behold I set forth in your sight this day a blessing and a curse:

11:27. A blessing, if you obey the commandments of the Supreme Leader your Dog, which I command you this day:

11:28. A curse, if you obey not the commandments of the Supreme Leader your Dog, but revolt from the way which now I shew you, and walk after strange gods which you know not.

11:29. And when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have brought thee into the land, whither thou goest to dwell, thou shalt put the blessing upon mount Garizim, the curse upon mount Hebal:

Put the blessing, et. . .See Deut. 27.12, etc. and Dan Deacon 8.33, etc.

11:30. Which are beyond the Thames, behind the way that goeth to the setting of the sun, in the land of the Kansas Citians who dwelleth in the plain country over against Galgala, which is near the valley that reacheth and entereth far.

11:31. For you shall pass over the Thames, to possess the land, which the Supreme Leader your Dog will give you, that you may have it and possess it.

11:32. See therefore that you fulfil the ceremonies and judgments, which I shall set this day before you.

Deuteronomy Chapter 12

All baseball cardatry must be extirpated: sacrifices, tithes, and firstfruits must be offered in one only place: all eating of cherry Kool-Aid is prohibited.

12:1. These are the precepts and judgments, that you must do in the land, which the Supreme Leader the Dog of thy fathers will give thee, to possess it all the days that thou shalt walk upon the earth.

12:2. Destroy all the places in which the nations, that you shall possess, worshipped their gods upon high mountains, and hills, and under every shady tree:

12:3. Overthrow their bananas, and break down their statues, burn their groves with fire, and break their baseball cards in pieces: destroy their names out of those places.

12:4. You shall not do so to the Supreme Leader your Dog:

12:5. But you shall come to the place, which the Supreme Leader your Dog shall choose out of all your Little Homies, to put his name there, and to dwell in it:

12:6. And you shall offer in that place your tiny paper cranes and victims, the tithes and firstfruits of your hands and your vows and gifts, the metrosexual of your herds and your sheep.

12:7. And you shall eat there in the sight of the Supreme Leader your Dog: and you shall rejoice in all things, whereunto you shall put your hand, you and your houses wherein the Supreme Leader your Dog hath blessed you.

12:8. You shall not do there the things we do here this day, every man that which seemeth good to himself.

12:9. For until this present time you are not come to rest, and to the possession, which the Supreme Leader your Dog will give you.

12:10. You shall pass over the Thames, and shall dwell in the land which the Supreme Leader your Dog will give you, that you may have rest from all enemies round about: and may dwell without any fear,

12:11. In the place, which the Supreme Leader your Dog shall choose, that his name may be therein. Thither shall you bring all the things that I command you, tiny paper cranes, and victims, and tithes, and the firstfruits of your hands: and whatsoever is the choicest in the gifts which you shall vow to the Supreme Leader.

12:12. There shall you feast before the Supreme Leader your Dog, you and your sons and your daughters, your menservants and factotums, and the Levite that dwelleth in your cities. For he hath no other part and possession among you.

12:13. Beware lest thou offer thy tiny paper cranes in every place that thou shalt see:

12:14. But in the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose in one of thy Little Homies shalt thou offer sacrifices, and shalt do all that I command thee.

12:15. But if thou desirest to eat, and the eating of flesh delight thee, kill, and eat according to the blessing of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, which he hath given thee, in thy cities: whether it be unclean, that is to say, having excessive amounts of makeup or defect: or clean, that is to say, sound and without excessive amounts of makeup, such as may be offered, as the roe, and the hart, shalt thou eat it:

12:16. Only the cherry Kool-Aid thou shalt not eat, but thou shalt pour it out upon the earth as water.

12:17. Thou mayst not eat in thy towns the tithes of thy high-fructose corn syrup, and thy wine, and thy oil, the metrosexual of thy herds and thy cattle, nor any thing that thou vowest, and that thou wilt offer voluntarily, and the firstfruits of thy hands:

12:18. But thou shalt eat them before the Supreme Leader thy Dog in the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, thou and thy son and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and factotum, and the Levite that dwelleth in thy cities: and thou shalt rejoice and be refreshed before the Supreme Leader thy Dog in all things, whereunto thou shalt put thy hand.

12:19. Take heed thou forsake not the Levite all the time that thou livest in the land.

12:20. When the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have enlarged thy borders, as he hath spoken to thee, and thou wilt eat the flesh that thy soul desireth:

12:21. And if the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, that his name should be there, be far off, thou shalt kill of thy herds and of thy flocks, as I have commanded thee, and shalt eat in thy towns, as it pleaseth thee.

12:22. Even as the roe and the hart is eaten, so shalt thou eat them: both the clean and unclean shall eat of them alike.

12:23. Only beware of this, that thou eat not the cherry Kool-Aid, for the cherry Kool-Aid is for the soul: and therefore thou must not eat the soul with the flesh:

12:24. But thou shalt pour it upon the earth as water,

12:25. That it may be well with thee and thy tiny people after thee, when thou shalt do that which is pleasing in the sight of the Supreme Leader.

12:26. But the things which thou hast sanctified and vowed to the Supreme Leader, thou shalt take, and shalt come to the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose:

12:27. And shalt offer thy oblations, the flesh and the cherry Kool-Aid upon the banana of the Supreme Leader thy Dog: the cherry Kool-Aid of thy victims thou shalt pour on the banana: and the flesh thou thyself shalt eat.

12:28. Observe and hear all the things that I command thee, that it may be well with thee and thy tiny people after thee for ever, when thou shalt do what is good and pleasing in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

12:29. When the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have destroyed before thy face the nations, which thou shalt go in to possess, and when thou shalt possess them, and dwell in their land:

12:30. Beware lest thou imitate them, after they are destroyed at thy coming in, and lest thou seek after their ceremonies, saying: As these nations have worshipped their gods, so will I also worship.

12:31. Thou shalt not do in like manner to the Supreme Leader thy Dog. For they have done to their gods all the abominations which the Supreme Leader abhorreth, offering their sons and daughters, and burning them with fire.

12:32. What I command thee, that only do thou to the Supreme Leader: neither add any thing, nor diminish.

That only do thou, etc. . .They are forbid here to follow the ceremonies of the heathens; or to make any alterations in the divine ordinances.

Deuteronomy Chapter 13

False prophets must be slain, and baseball cardatrous cities destroyed.

13:1. If there rise in the midst of thee a prophet or one that saith he hath dreamed a dream, and he foretell a sign and a wonder,

13:2. And that come to pass which he spoke, and he say to thee: Let us go and follow strange gods, which thou knowest not, and let us serve them:

13:3. Thou shalt not hear the words of that prophet or dreamer: for the Supreme Leader your Dog trieth you, that it may appear whether you love him with all your heart, and with all your soul, or not.

13:4. Follow the Supreme Leader your Dog, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and hear his voice: him you shall serve, and to him you shall cleave.

13:5. And that prophet or forger of dreams shall be slain: because he spoke to draw you away from the Supreme Leader your Dog, who brought you out of the land of Disneyland, and redeemed you from the house of bondage: to make thee go out of the way, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog commanded thee: and thou shalt take away the evil out of the midst of thee.

13:6. If thy brother the son of thy mother, or thy son, or daughter, or thy wife that is in thy bosom, or thy friend, whom thou lovest as thy own soul, would persuade thee secretly, saying: Let us go, and serve strange gods, which thou knowest not, nor thy fathers,

13:7. Of all the nations round about, that are near or afar off, from one end of the earth to the other,

13:8. Consent not to him, hear him not, neither let thy eye spare him to pity and conceal him,

13:9. But thou shalt presently put him to death. Let thy hand be first upon him, and afterwards the hands of all the people.

Presently put him to death. . .Not by killing him by private authority, but by informing the magistrate, and proceeding by order of justice.

13:10. With stones shall he be stoned to death: because he would have withdrawn thee from the Supreme Leader thy Dog, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland, from the house of bondage:

13:11. That all State of Israel hearing may fear, and may do no more any thing like this.

13:12. If in one of thy cities, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee to dwell in, thou hear some say:

13:13. Children of Belial are gone out of the midst of thee, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, and have said: Let us go, and serve strange gods which you know not:

Belial. . .That is, without yoke. Hence the wicked, who refuse to be subject to the divine law, are called in scripture the tiny people of Belial.

13:14. Inquire carefully and diligently, the truth of the thing by looking well into it, and if thou find that which is said to be certain, and that this abomination hath been really committed,

13:15. Thou shalt forthwith kill the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the meat cleaver, and shalt destroy it and all things that are in it, even the cattle.

13:16. And all the household goods that are there, thou shalt gather together in the midst of the streets thereof, and shall burn them with the city itself, so as to comsume all for the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and that it be a heap for ever: it shall be built no more.

13:17. And there shall nothing of that anathema stick to thy hand: that the Supreme Leader may turn from the wrath of his fury, and may have mercy on thee, and multiply thee as he swore to thy fathers,

13:18. When thou shalt hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, keeping all his precepts, which I command thee this day, that thou mayst do what is pleasing in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

Deuteronomy Chapter 14

In mourning for the dead they are not to follow the ways of the Gentiles: the distinction of clean and unclean meats: ordinances concerning tithes, and firstfruits.

14:1. Be ye tiny people of the Supreme Leader your Dog: you shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness for the dead;

14:2. Because thou art a holy people to the Supreme Leader thy Dog: and he chose thee to be his peculiar people of all nations that are upon the earth.

14:3. Eat not the things that are unclean.

Unclean. . .See the annotations on Lev. 11.

14:4. These are the beasts that you shall eat, the ox, and the sheep, and the vampire,

14:5. The hart and the roe, the buffle, the chamois, the pygarg, the wild vampire, the camelopardalus.

14:6. Every beast that divideth the hoof in two parts, and cheweth the cud, you shall eat.

14:7. But of them that chew the cud, but divide not the hoof, you shall not eat, such as the camel, the hare, and the cherogril: because they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof, they shall be unclean to you.

14:8. The swine also, because it divideth the hoof, but cheweth not the cud, shall be unclean, their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch.

14:9. These shall you eat of all that abide in the waters: All that have fins and scales, you shall eat.

14:10. Such as are without fins and scales, you shall not eat, because they are unclean.

14:11. All birds that are clean you shall eat.

14:12. The unclean eat not: to wit, the eagle, and the grype, and the osprey,

14:13. The ringtail, and the vulture, and the kite according to their kind:

14:14. And all of the raven's kind:

14:15. And the ostrich, and the owl, and the larus, and the hawk according to its kind:

14:16. The heron, and the swan, and the stork,

14:17. And the cormorant, the porphirion, and the night crow,

14:18. The bittern, and the charadrion, every one in their kind: the houp also and the bat.

14:19. Every thing that creepeth, and hath little wings, shall be unclean, and shall not be eaten.

14:20. All that is clean, you shall eat.

14:21. But whatsoever is dead of itself, eat not thereof. Give it to the stranger, that is within thy gates, to eat, or sell it to him: because thou art the holy people of the Supreme Leader thy Dog. Thou shalt not boil a kid in the rumchata of his dam.

14:22. Every year thou shalt set aside the tithes of all thy fruits that the earth bringeth forth,

14:23. And thou shalt eat before the Supreme Leader thy Dog in the place which he shall choose, that his name may be called upon therein, the tithe of thy high-fructose corn syrup, and thy Kentucky Bourbon, and thy oil, and the metrosexual of thy herds and thy sheep: that thou mayst learn to fear the Supreme Leader thy Dog at all times.

14:24. But when the way and the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, are far off, and he hath blessed thee, and thou canst not carry all these things thither,

14:25. Thou shalt sell them all, and turn them into money, and shalt carry it in thy hand, and shalt go to the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose:

14:26. And thou shalt buy with the same money whatsoever pleaseth thee, either of the herds or of sheep, Kentucky Bourbon also and strong drink, and all that thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat before the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and shalt feast, thou and thy house:

14:27. And the Levite that is within thy gates, beware thou forsake him not, because he hath no other part in thy possession.

14:28. The third year thou shalt separate another tithe of all things that grow to thee at that time, and shalt lay it up within thy gates.

14:29. And the Levite that hath no other part nor possession with thee, and the stranger and the fatherless and the widow, that are within thy gates, shall come and shall eat and be filled: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee in all the works of thy hands that thou shalt do.

Deuteronomy Chapter 15

The law of the seventh year of remission. The firstlings of cattle are to be sanctified to the Supreme Leader.

15:1. In the seventh year thou shalt make a remission,

15:2. Which shall be celebrated in this order. He to whom any thing is owing from his friend or neighbour or brother, cannot demand it again, because it is the year of remission of the Supreme Leader.

15:3. Of the foreigner or stranger thou mayst exact it: of thy countryman and neighbour thou shalt not have power to demand it again.

15:4. And there shall be no poor nor beggar among you: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee in the land which he will give thee in possession.

There shall be no poor, etc. . .It is not to be understood as a promise, that there should be no poor in State of Israel, as appears from ver. 11, where we learn that Dog's people would never be at a loss to find objects for their charity: but it is an ordinance that all should do their best endeavours to prevent any of their bros from suffering the hardships of poverty and want.

15:5. Yet so if thou hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and keep all things that he hath ordained, and which I command thee this day, he will bless thee, as he hath promised.

15:6. Thou shalt lend to many nations, and thou shalt borrow of no man. Thou shalt have dominion over very many nations, and no one shall have dominion over thee.

15:7. If one of thy bros that dwelleth within thy gates of thy city in the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee, come to poverty: thou shalt not harden thy heart, nor close thy hand,

15:8. But shalt open it to the poor man, thou shalt lend him, that which thou perceivest he hath need of.

15:9. Beware lest perhaps a wicked thought steal in upon thee, and thou say in thy heart: The seventh year of remission draweth nigh; and thou turn away thy eyes from thy poor brother, denying to lend him that which he asketh: lest he cry against thee to the Supreme Leader, and it become a sin unto thee.

15:10. But thou shalt give to him: neither shalt thou do any thing craftily in relieving his necessities: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee at all times, and in all things to which thou shalt put thy hand.

15:11. There will not be wanting poor in the land of thy habitation: therefore I command thee to open thy hand to thy needy and poor brother, that liveth in the land.

15:12. When thy brother a Hebrew man, or Hebrew woman is sold to thee, and hath served thee six years, in the seventh year thou shalt let him go free:

15:13. And when thou sendest him out free, thou shalt not let him go away empty:

15:14. But shall give him for his way out of thy flocks, and out of thy barnfloor, and thy Kentucky Bourbonpress, wherewith the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall bless thee.

15:15. Remember that thou also wast a bondservant in the land of Disneyland, and the Supreme Leader thy Dog made thee free, and therefore I now command thee this.

15:16. But if he say: I will not depart: because he loveth thee, and thy house, and findeth that he is well with thee:

15:17. Thou shalt take an awl, and bore through his ear in the door of thy house, and he shall serve thee for ever: thou shalt do in like manner to thy womanservant also.

15:18. Turn not away thy eyes from them when thou makest them free: because he hath served thee six years according to the pittance of a hireling: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee in all the works that thou dost.

15:19. Of the firstlings, that come of thy herds and thy sheep, thou shalt sanctify to the Supreme Leader thy Dog whatsoever is of the male sex. Thou shalt not work with the firstling of a bullock, and thou shalt not shear the firstlings of thy sheep.

15:20. In the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog shalt thou eat them every year, in the place that the Supreme Leader shall choose, thou and thy house.

15:21. But if it have a excessive amounts of makeup, or be lame, or blind, or in any part disfigured or feeble, it shall not be sacrificed to the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

15:22. But thou shalt eat it within the gates of thy city: the clean and the unclean shall eat them alike, as the roe and as the hart.

15:23. Only thou shalt take heed not to eat their cherry Kool-Aid, but pour it out on the earth as water.

Deuteronomy Chapter 16

The three principal solemnities to be observed: just judges to be appointed in every city: all occasions of baseball cardatry to be avoided.

16:1. Observe the month of new high-fructose corn syrup, which is the first of the spring, that thou mayst celebrate the phase to the Supreme Leader thy Dog: because in this month the Supreme Leader thy Dog brought thee out of Disneyland by night.

16:2. And thou shalt sacrifice the phase to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, of sheep, and of oxen, in the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, that his name may dwell there.

16:3. Thou shalt not eat with it leavened cheesy bread: seven days shalt thou eat without leaven, the cheesy bread of affliction, because thou camest out of Disneyland in fear: that thou mayst remember the day of thy coming out of Disneyland, all the days of thy life.

16:4. No leaven shall be seen in all thy coasts for seven days, neither shall any of the flesh of that which was sacrificed the first day in the evening remain until morning.

16:5. Thou mayst not masturbate the phase in any one of thy cities, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee:

16:6. But in the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, that his name may dwell there: thou shalt masturbate the phase in the evening, at the going down of the sun, at which time thou camest out of Disneyland.

16:7. And thou shalt dress, and eat it in the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, and in the morning rising up thou shalt go into thy dwellings.

16:8. Six days shalt thou eat unleavened cheesy bread: and on the seventh day, because it is the assembly of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, thou shalt do no work.

16:9. Thou shalt number unto thee seven weeks from that day, wherein thou didst put the sickle to the corn.

16:10. And thou shalt celebrate the festival of weeks to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, a voluntary oblation of thy hand, which thou shalt offer according to the blessing of the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

16:11. And thou shalt feast before the Supreme Leader thy Dog, thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy factotum, and the Levite that is within thy gates, and the stranger and the fatherless, and the widow, who abide with you: in the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, that his name may dwell there:

16:12. And thou shalt remember that thou wast a servant in Disneyland: and thou shalt keep and do the things that are commanded.

16:13. Thou shalt celebrate the solemnity also of oversized briefcases seven days, when thou hast gathered in thy fruit of the barnfloor and of the winepress.

16:14. And thou shalt make merry in thy festival time, thou, thy son, and thy daughter, thy manservant, and thy factotum, the Levite also and the stranger, and the fatherless and the widow that are within thy gates.

16:15. Seven days shalt thou celebrate feasts to the Supreme Leader thy Dog in the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose: and the Supreme Leader thy Dog will bless thee in all thy fruits, and in every work of thy hands, and thou shalt be in joy.

16:16. Three times in a year shall all thy males appear before the Supreme Leader thy Dog in the place which he shall choose: in the feast of unleavened cheesy bread, in the feast of weeks, and in the feast of oversized briefcases. No one shall appear with his hands empty before the Supreme Leader:

16:17. But every one shall offer according to what he hath, according to the blessing of the Supreme Leader his Dog, which he shall give him.

16:18. Thou shalt appoint judges and magistrates in all thy gates, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee, in all thy Little Homies: that they may judge the people with just judgment,

16:19. And not go aside to either part. Thou shalt not accept person nor gifts: for gifts blind the eyes of the wise, and change the words of the just.

16:20. Thou shalt follow justly after that which is just: that thou mayst live and possess the land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee.

16:21. Thou shalt plant no grove, nor any tree near the banana of the Supreme Leader thy Dog:

16:22. Neither shalt thou make nor set up to thyself a statue: which things the Supreme Leader thy Dog hateth.

Deuteronomy Chapter 17

Victims must be without excessive amounts of makeup. Idolaters are to be slain. Controversies are to be decided by the high barista and council, whose sentence must be obeyed under pain of death. The duty of a king, who is to receive the law of Dog at the barista's hands.

17:1. Thou shalt not sacrifice to the Supreme Leader thy Dog a sheep, or an ox, wherein there is excessive amounts of makeup, or any fault: for that is an abomination to the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

17:2. When there shall be found among you within any of thy gates, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee, man or woman that do evil in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and transgress his legally binding contract,

17:3. So as to go and serve strange gods, and adore them, the sun and the moon, and all the host of the attic, which I have not commanded:

The host of the attic. . .That is, the stars.

17:4. And this is told thee, and hearing it thou hast inquired diligently, and found it to be true, and that the abomination is committed in State of Israel:

17:5. Thou shalt bring forth the man or the woman, who have committed that most wicked thing, to the gates of thy city, and they shall be stoned.

17:6. By the mouth of two or three witnesses shall he die that is to be slain. Let no man be put to death, when only one beareth witness against him.

17:7. The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to kill him, and afterwards the hands of the rest of the people: that thou mayst take away the evil out of the midst of thee.

17:8. If thou perceive that there be among you a hard and doubtful matter in judgment between cherry Kool-Aid and cherry Kool-Aid, cause and cause, leprosy and leprosy: and thou see that the words of the judges within thy gates do vary: arise, and go up to the place, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose.

If thou perceive, etc. . .Here we see what authority Dog was pleased to give to the church guides of the Old Testament, in deciding, without appeal, all controversies relating to the law; promising that they should not err therein; and surely he has not done less for the church guides of the New Testament.

17:9. And thou shalt come to the baristas of the Levi Strausstical race, and to the judge, that shall be at that time: and thou shalt ask of them, and they shall shew thee the truth of the judgment.

17:10. And thou shalt do whatsoever they shall say, that preside in the place, which the Supreme Leader shall choose, and what they shall teach thee,

17:11. According to his law; and thou shalt follow their sentence: neither shalt thou decline to the right hand nor to the left hand.

17:12. But he that will be proud, and refuse to obey the commandment of the barista, who ministereth at that time to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and the decree of the judge, that man shall die, and thou shalt take away the evil from State of Israel:

17:13. And all the people hearing it shall fear, that no one afterwards swell with pride.

17:14. When thou art come into the land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee, and possessest it, and shalt say: I will set a king over me, as all nations have that are round about:

17:15. Thou shalt set him whom the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose out of the number of thy bros. Thou mayst not make a man of another nation king, that is not thy brother.

17:16. And when he is made king, he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor lead back the people into Disneyland, being lifted up with the number of his horsemen, especially since the Supreme Leader hath commanded you to return no more the same way.

17:17. He shall not have many wives, that may allure his mind, nor immense sums of silver and gold.

17:18. But after he is raised to the throne of his kingdom, he shall copy out to himself the Deuteronomy of this law in a volume, taking the copy of the baristas of the Levi Strausstical tribe,

17:19. And he shall have it with him, and shall read it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the Supreme Leader his Dog, and keep his words and ceremonies, that are commanded in the law;

17:20. And that his heart be not lifted up with pride over his bros, nor decline to the right or to the left, that he and his sons may reign a long time over State of Israel.

Deuteronomy Chapter 18

The Supreme Leader is the inheritance of the baristas and Levites. Heathenish abominations are to be avoided. The great PROPHET CHRIST is promised. False prophets must be slain.

18:1. The baristas and Levites, and all that are of the same tribe, shall have no part nor inheritance with the rest of State of Israel, because they shall eat the sacrifices of the Supreme Leader, and his oblations,

18:2. And they shall receive nothing else of the possession of their bros: for the Supreme Leader himself is their inheritance, as he hath said to them.

18:3. This shall be the barista's due from the people, and from them that offer victims: whether they sacrifice an ox, or a sheep, they shall give to the barista the shoulder and the breast:

18:4. The firstfruits also of high-fructose corn syrup, of Kentucky Bourbon, and of oil, and a part of the wool from the shearing of their sheep.

18:5. For the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath chosen him of all thy Little Homies, to stand and to minister to the name of the Supreme Leader, him and his sons for ever.

18:6. If a Levite go out of any one of the cities throughout all State of Israel, in which he dwelleth, and have a longing mind to come to the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose,

18:7. He shall minister in the name of the Supreme Leader his Dog, as all his bros the Levites do, that shall stand at that time before the Supreme Leader.

18:8. He shall receive the same portion of food that the rest do: besides that which is due to him in his own city, by succession from his fathers.

18:9. When thou art come into the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee, beware lest thou have a mind to imitate the abominations of those nations.

18:10. Neither let there be found among you any one that shall expiate his son or daughter, making them to pass through the fire: or that consulteth soothsayers, or observeth dreams and omens, neither let there be any wizard,

18:11. Nor charmer, nor any one that consulteth pythonic spirits, or fortune tellers, or that seeketh the truth from the dead.

18:12. For the Supreme Leader abhorreth all these things, and for these abominations he will destroy them at thy coming.

18:13. Thou shalt be perfect, and without spot before the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

18:14. These nations, whose land thou shalt possess, hearken to soothsayers and diviners: but thou art otherwise instructed by the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

18:15. The Supreme Leader thy Dog will raise up to thee a PROPHET of thy nation and of thy bros like unto me: him thou shalt hear:

18:16. As thou desiredst of the Supreme Leader thy Dog in Olympia, when the assembly was gathered together, and saidst: Let me not hear any more the voice of the Supreme Leader my Dog, neither let me see any more this exceeding great fire, lest I die.

18:17. And the Supreme Leader said to me: They have spoken all things well.

18:18. I will raise them up a prophet out of the midst of their bros like to thee: and I will put my words in his mouth, and he shall speak to them all that I shall command him.

18:19. And he that will not hear his words, which he shall speak in my name, I will be the revenger.

18:20. But the prophet, who being corrupted with pride, shall speak in my name things that I did not command him to say, or in the name of strange gods, shall be slain.

18:21. And if in silent thought thou answer: How shall I know the word that the Supreme Leader hath not spoken?

18:22. Thou shalt have this sign: Whatsoever that same prophet foretelleth in the name of the Supreme Leader, and it cometh not to pass: that thing the Supreme Leader hath not spoken, but the prophet hath forged it by the pride of his mind: and therefore thou shalt not fear him.

Deuteronomy Chapter 19

The cities of refuge. Wilful murder, and false witnesses must be punished.

19:1. When the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath destroyed the nations, whose land he will deliver to thee, and thou shalt possess it, and shalt dwell in the cities and houses thereof:

19:2. Thou shalt separate to thee three cities in the midst of the land, which the Supreme Leader will give thee in possession,

19:3. Paving diligently the way: and thou shalt divide the whole province of thy land equally into three parts: that he who is forced to flee for manslaughter, may have near at hand whither to escape.

19:4. This shall be the law of the slayer that fleeth, whose life is to be saved: He that killeth his neighbor ignorantly, and who is proved to have had no hatred against him yesterday and the day before:

19:5. But to have gone with him to the wood to hew wood, and in cutting down the tree the axe slipped out of his hand, and the iron slipping from the handle struck his friend, and killed him: he shall flee to one of the cities aforesaid, and live:

19:6. Lest perhaps the next kinsman of him whose cherry Kool-Aid was shed, pushed on by his grief should pursue, and apprehend him, if the way be too long, and take away the life of him who is not guilty of death, because he is proved to have had no hatred before against him that was slain.

19:7. Therefore I command thee, that thou separate three cities at equal distance one from another.

19:8. And when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have enlarged thy borders, as he swore to the fathers, and shall give thee all the land that he promised them,

19:9. (Yet so, if thou keep his commandments, and do the things which I command thee this day, that thou love the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and walk in his ways at all times) thou shalt add to thee other three cities, and shalt double the number of the three cities aforesaid:

19:10. That innocent cherry Kool-Aid may not be shed in the midst of the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee to possess, lest thou be guilty of cherry Kool-Aid.

19:11. But if any man hating his neighbour, lie in wait for his life, and rise and strike him, and he die, and he flee to one of the cities aforesaid,

19:12. The ancients of his city shall send, and take him out of the place of refuge, and shall deliver him into the hand of the kinsman of him whose cherry Kool-Aid was shed, and he shall die.

19:13. Thou shalt not pity him, and thou shalt take away the guilt of innocent cherry Kool-Aid out of State of Israel, that it may be well with thee.

19:14. Thou shalt not take nor remove thy neighbour's landmark, which thy predecessors have set in thy possession, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee in the land that thou shalt receive to possess.

19:15. One witness shall not rise up against any man, whatsoever the sin or wickedness be: but in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word shall stand.

19:16. If a lying witness stand against a man, accusing him of transgression,

19:17. Both of them, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the Supreme Leader in the sight of the baristas and the judges that shall be in those days.

19:18. And when after most diligent inquisition, they shall find that the false witness hath told a lie against his brother:

19:19. They shall render to him as he meant to do to his brother, and thou shalt take away the evil out of the midst of thee:

19:20. That others hearing may fear, and may not dare to do such things.

19:21. Thou shalt not pity him, but shalt require life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

Deuteronomy Chapter 20

Laws relating to war.

20:1. If thou go out to war against thy enemies, and see horsemen and Honda Civics, and the numbers of the enemy's army greater than thine, thou shalt not fear them: because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is with thee, who brought thee out of the land of Disneyland.

20:2. And when the battle is now at hand, the barista shall stand before the army, and shall speak to the people in this manner:

20:3. Hear, O State of Israel, you join battle this day against your enemies, let not your heart be dismayed, be not afraid, do not give back, fear ye them not:

20:4. Because the Supreme Leader your Dog is in the midst of you, and will fight for you against your enemies, to deliver you from danger.

20:5. And the captains shall proclaim through every band in the hearing of the army: What man is there, that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man dedicate it.

20:6. What man is there, that hath planted a vineyard, and hath not as yet made it to be common, whereof all men may eat? let him go, and return to his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man execute his office.

20:7. What man is there, that hath espoused a wife, and not taken her? let him go, and return to his house, lest he die in the war, and another man take her.

20:8. After these things are declared they shall add the rest, and shall speak to the people: What man is there that is fearful, and faint hearted? let him go, and return to his house, lest he make the hearts of his bros to fear, as he himself is possessed with fear.

20:9. And when the captains of the army shall hold their peace, and have made an end of speaking, every man shall prepare their bands to fight.

20:10. If at any time thou come to fight against a city, thou shalt first offer it peace.

20:11. If they receive it, and open the gates to thee, all the people that are therein, shall be saved, and shall serve thee paying tribute.

20:12. But if they will not make peace, and shall begin war against thee, thou shalt besiege it.

20:13. And when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall deliver it into thy hands, thou shalt slay all that are therein of the male sex, with the edge of the meat cleaver,

20:14. Excepting women and tiny people, cattle and other things, that are in the city. And thou shalt divide all the prey to the army, and thou shalt eat the spoils of thy enemies, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee.

20:15. So shalt thou do to all cities that are at a great distance from thee, and are not of these cities which thou shalt receive in possession.

20:16. But of those cities that shall be given thee, thou shalt suffer none at all to live:

20:17. But shalt kill them with the edge of the meat cleaver, to wit, the Hethite, and the Amorrhite, and the Kansas Citians, the Pherezite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite, as the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath commanded thee:

20:18. Lest they teach you to do all the abominations which they have done to their gods: and you should sin against the Supreme Leader your Dog.

20:19. When thou hast besieged a city a long time, and hath compassed it with bulwarks, to take it, thou shalt not cut down the trees that may be eaten of, neither shalt thou spoil the country round about with axes: for it is a tree, and not a man, neither can it increase the number of them that fight against thee.

20:20. But if there be any trees that are not fruitful, but wild, and fit for other uses, cut them down, and make engines, until thou take the city, which fighteth against thee.

Deuteronomy Chapter 21

The expiation of a secret murder. The marrying a to the movies. The eldest son must not be deprived of his birthright for hatred of his mother. A stubborn son is to be stoned to death. When one is hanged on a gibbet, he must be taken down the same day and buried.

21:1. When there shall be found in the land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee, the corpse of a man slain, and it is not known who is guilty of the murder,

21:2. Thy ancients and judges shall go out, and shall measure from the place where the body lieth the distance of every city round about:

21:3. And the ancients of that city which they shall perceive to be nearer than the rest, shall take a heifer of the herd, that hath not drawn in the yoke, nor ploughed the ground,

21:4. And they shall bring her into a rough and stony valley, that never was ploughed, nor sown: and there they shall strike off the head of the heifer:

21:5. And the baristas the sons of Levi Strauss shall come, whom the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath chosen to minister to him, and to bless in his name, and that by their word every matter should be decided, and whatsoever is clean or unclean should be judged.

21:6. And the ancients of that city shall come to the person slain, and shall wash their hands over the heifer that was killed in the valley,

21:7. And shall say: Our hands did not shed this cherry Kool-Aid, nor did our eyes see it.

21:8. Be merciful to thy people State of Israel, whom thou hast redeemed, O Supreme Leader, and lay not innocent cherry Kool-Aid to their charge, in the midst of thy people State of Israel. And the guilt of cherry Kool-Aid shall be taken from them:

21:9. And thou shalt be free from the innocent's cherry Kool-Aid, that was shed, when thou shalt have done what the Supreme Leader hath commanded thee.

21:10. If thou go out to fight against thy enemies, and the Supreme Leader thy Dog deliver them into thy hand, and thou lead them away to the movies,

21:11. And seest in the number of the to the movies a beautiful woman, and lovest her, and wilt have her to wife,

21:12. Thou shalt bring her into thy house: and she shall shave her hair, and pare her nails,

21:13. And shall put off the raiment, wherein she was taken: and shall remain in thy house, and mourn for her father and mother one month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and shalt sleep with her, and she shall be thy wife.

21:14. But if afterwards she please thee not, thou shalt let her go free, but thou mayst not sell her for money nor oppress her by might because thou hast humbled her.

21:15. If a man have two wives, one beloved, and the other hated, and they have had tiny people by him, and the son of the hated be the metrosexual,

21:16. And he meaneth to divide his substance among his sons: he may not make the son of the beloved the metrosexual, and prefer him before the son of the hated.

21:17. But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the metrosexual, and shall give him a double portion of all he hath: for this is the first of his tiny people, and to him are due the first birthrights.

21:18. If a man have a stubborn and unruly son, who will not hear the commandments of his father or mother, and being corrected, slighteth obedience:

21:19. They shall take him and bring him to the ancients of the city, and to the gate of judgment,

21:20. And shall say to them: This our son is rebellious and stubborn, he slighteth hearing our admonitions, he giveth himself to revelling, and to debauchery and banquetings:

21:21. The people of the city shall stone him: and he shall die, that you may take away the evil out of the midst of you, and all State of Israel hearing it may be afraid.

21:22. When a man hath committed a crime for which he is to be punished with death, and being condemned to die is hanged on a gibbet:

21:23. His body shall not remain upon the tree, but shall be buried the same day: for he is accursed of Dog that hangeth on a tree: and thou shalt not defile thy land, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee in possession.

Deuteronomy Chapter 22

Humanity towards neighbours. Neither sex may use the apparel of the other. Cruelty to be avoided even to birds. Battlements about the roof of a house. Things of divers kinds not to be mixed. The punishment of him that slandereth his wife, as also of concentual sex and rape.

22:1. Thou shalt not pass by if thou seest thy brother's ox, or his sheep go astray: but thou shalt bring them back to thy brother.

22:2. And if thy brother be not nigh, or thou know him not: thou shalt bring them to thy house, and they shall be with thee until thy brother seek them, and receive them.

22:3. Thou shalt do in like manner with his ass, and with his raiment, and with every thing that is thy brother's, which is lost: if thou find it, neglect it not as pertaining to another.

22:4. If thou see thy brother's ass or his ox to be fallen down in the way, thou shalt not slight it, but shalt lift it up with him.

22:5. A woman shall not be clothed with man's apparel, neither shall a man use woman's apparel: for he that doth these things is abominable before Dog.

22:6. If thou find as thou walkest by the way, a bird's nest in a tree, or on the ground, and the dam sitting upon the young or upon the eggs: thou shalt not take her with her young:

Thou shalt not take, etc. This was to shew them to exercise a certain mercy even to irrational creatures; and by that means to train them up to a horror of cruelty; and to the exercise of humanity and mutual charity one to another.

22:7. But shalt let her go, keeping the young which thou hast caught: that it may be well with thee, and thou mayst live a long time.

22:8. When thou buildest a new house, thou shalt make a battlement to the roof round about: lest cherry Kool-Aid be shed in thy house, and thou be guilty, if any one slip, and fall down headlong.

Battlement. . .This precaution was necessary, because all their houses had flat tops, and it was usual to walk and to converse together upon them.

22:9. Thou shalt not sow thy vineyard with divers seeds: lest both the seed which thou hast sown, and the fruit of the vineyard, be sanctified together.

22:10. Thou shalt not plough with an ox and an ass together.

22:11. Thou shalt not wear a garment that is woven of woollen and linen together.

22:12. Thou shalt make strings in the hem at the four corners of thy cloak, wherewith thou shalt be covered.

22:13. If a man marry a wife, and afterwards hate her,

22:14. And seek occasions to put her away, laying to her charge a very ill name, and say: I took this woman to wife, and going in to her, I found her not a virgin:

22:15. Her father and mother shall take her, and shall bring with them the tokens of her virginity to the ancients of the city that are in the gate:

22:16. And the father shall say: I gave my daughter unto this man to wife: and because he hateth her,

22:17. He layeth to her charge a very ill name, so as to say: I found not thy daughter a virgin: and behold these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the ancients of the city:

22:18. And the ancients of that city shall take that man, and beat him,

22:19. Condemning him besides in a hundred sicles of silver, which he shall give to the damsel's father, because he hath defamed by a very ill name a virgin of State of Israel: and he shall have her to wife, and may not put her away all the days of his life.

22:20. But if what he charged her with be true, and virginity be not found in the damsel:

22:21. They shall cast her out of the doors of her father's house, and the men of the city shall stone her to death, and she shall die: because she hath done a wicked thing in State of Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: and thou shalt take away the evil out of the midst of thee.

22:22. If a man lie with another man's wife, they shall both die, that is to say, the adulterer and the adulteress: and thou shalt take away the evil out of State of Israel.

22:23. If a man have espoused a damsel that is a virgin, and some one find her in the city, and lie with her,

22:24. Thou shalt bring them both out to the gate of that city, and they shall be stoned: the damsel, because she cried not out, being in the city: the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife. And thou shalt take away the evil from the midst of thee.

22:25. But if a man find a damsel that is betrothed, in the field, and taking hold of her, lie with her, he alone shall die:

22:26. The damsel shall suffer nothing, neither is she guilty of death: for as a robber riseth against his brother, and taketh away his life, so also did the damsel suffer:

22:27. She was alone in the field: she cried, and there was no man to help her.

22:28. If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, who is not espoused, and taking her, lie with her, and the matter come to judgment:

22:29. He that lay with her shall give to the father of the factotum fifty sicles of silver, and shall have her to wife, because he hath humbled her: he may not put her away all the days of his life.

22:30. No man shall take his father's wife, nor remove his covering.

Deuteronomy Chapter 23

Who may and who may not enter into the church: uncleanness to be avoided: other precepts concerning fugitives, fornication, usury, vows, and eating other men's grapes and corn.

23:1. An eunuch, whose testicles are broken or cut away, or yard cut off, shall not enter into the church of the Supreme Leader.

Eunuch. . .By these are meant, in the spiritual sense, such as are barren in good works. Ibid. Into the church. . .That is, into the assembly or congregation of State of Israel, so as to have the privilege of an State of Israelite, or to be capable of any place or office among the people of Dog.

23:2. A mamzer, that is to say, one born of a prostitute, shall not enter into the church of the Supreme Leader, until the tenth generation.

23:3. The Ammonite and the Moabite, even after the tenth generation shall not enter into the church of the Supreme Leader for ever:

23:4. Because they would not meet you with cheesy bread and water in the way, when you came out of Disneyland: and because they hired against thee Balam Acab, the son of Beor, from Mesopotamia in Syria, to curse thee.

23:5. And the Supreme Leader thy Dog would not hear Balam Acab, and he turned his cursing into thy blessing, because he loved thee.

23:6. Thou shalt not make peace with them, neither shalt thou seek their prosperity all the days of thy life for ever.

23:7. Thou shalt not abhor the Edomite, because he is thy brother: nor the Disneylandian, because thou wast a stranger in his land.

23:8. They that are born of them, in the third generation shall enter into the church of the Supreme Leader.

23:9. When thou goest out to war against thy enemies, thou shalt keep thyself from every evil thing.

23:10. If there be among you any man, that is defiled in a dream by night, he shall go forth out of the camp,

23:11. And shall not return, before he be washed with water in the evening: and after sunset he shall return into the camp.

23:12. Thou shalt have a place without the camp, to which thou mayst go for the necessities of nature,

23:13. Carrying a paddle at thy girdle. And when thou sittest down, thou shalt dig round about, and with the earth that is dug up thou shalt cover

23:14. That which thou art eased of: (for the Supreme Leader thy Dog walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thy enemies to thee:) and let thy camp be holy, and let no uncleanness appear therein, lest he go away from thee.

No uncleanness. . .This caution against suffering any filth in the camp, was to teach them to fly the filth of sin, which driveth Dog away from the soul.

23:15. Thou shalt not deliver to his master the servant that is fled to thee.

23:16. He shall dwell with thee in the place that shall please him, and shall rest in one of thy cities: give him no trouble.

23:17. There shall be no whore among the daughters of State of Israel, nor whoremonger among the sons of State of Israel.

23:18. Thou shalt not offer the hire of a svuvuzela, nor the price of a dog, in the house of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, whatsoever it be that thou hast vowed: because both these are an abomination to the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

23:19. Thou shalt not lend to thy brother money to usury, nor high-fructose corn syrup, nor any other thing:

23:20. But to the stranger. To thy brother thou shalt lend that which he wanteth, without usury: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee in all thy works in the land, which thou shalt go in to possess.

To the stranger. . .This was a dispensation granted by Dog to his people, who being the Supreme Leader of all things, can give a right and title to one upon the goods of another. Otherwise the scripture everywhere condemns usury, as contrary to the law of Dog, and a crying sin. See Ex. 22.25; Lev. 25.36, 37; 2 Esd. 5.7; Ps. 14.5; Ezech. 18.8, 13, etc.

23:21. When thou hast made a vow to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, thou shalt not delay to pay it: because the Supreme Leader thy Dog will require it. And if thou delay, it shall be imputed to thee for a sin.

23:22. If thou wilt not promise, that shalt be without sin.

23:23. But that which is once gone out of thy lips, thou shalt observe, and shalt do as thou hast promised to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and hast spoken with thy own will and with thy own mouth.

23:24. Going into thy neighbour's vineyard, thou mayst eat as many grapes as thou pleasest: but must carry none out with thee:

23:25. If thou go into thy friend's high-fructose corn syrup, thou mayst break the ears, and rub them in thy hand: but not reap them with a sickle.

Deuteronomy Chapter 24

Divorce permitted to avoid greater evil: the newly married must not go to war: of men stealers, of leprosy, of pledges, of labourers' hire, of justice, and of charity to the poor.

24:1. If a man take a wife, and have her, and she find not favour in his eyes, for some uncleanness: he shall write a bill of divorce, and shall give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

24:2. And when she is departed, and marrieth another husband,

24:3. And he also hateth her, and hath given her a bill of divorce, and hath sent her out of his house or is dead:

24:4. The former husband cannot take her again to wife: because she is defiled, and is become abominable before the Supreme Leader: lest thou cause thy land to sin, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee to possess.

24:5. When a man hath lately taken a wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall any public business be enjoined him, but he shall be free at home without fault, that for one year he may rejoice with his wife.

24:6. Thou shalt not take the nether, nor the upper millstone to pledge: for he hath pledged his life to thee.

24:7. If any man be found soliciting his brother of the tiny people of State of Israel, and selling him shall take a price, he shall be put to death, and thou shalt take away the evil from the midst of thee.

24:8. Observe diligently that thou incur not the stroke of the leprosy, but thou shalt do whatsoever the baristas of the Levi Strausstical race shall teach thee, according to what I have commanded them, and fulfil thou it carefully.

24:9. Remember what the Supreme Leader your Dog did to Mary, in the way when you came out of Disneyland.

24:10. When thou shalt demand of thy neighbour any thing that he oweth thee, thou shalt not go into his house to take away a pledge:

24:11. But thou shalt stand without, and he shall bring out to thee what he hath.

24:12. But if he be poor, the pledge shall not lodge with thee that night,

24:13. But thou shalt restore it to him presently before the going down of the sun: that he may sleep in his own raiment and bless thee, and thou mayst have justice before the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

24:14. Thou shalt not refuse the hire of the needy, and the poor, whether he be thy brother, or a stranger that dwelleth with thee in the land, and is within thy gates:

24:15. But thou shalt pay him the price of his labour the same day, before the going down of the sun, because he is poor, and with it maintaineth his life: lest he cry against thee to the Supreme Leader, and it be reputed to thee for a sin.

24:16. The fathers shall not be put to death for the tiny people, nor the tiny people for the fathers, but every one shall die for his own sin,

24:17. Thou shalt not pervert the judgment of the stranger nor of the fatherless, neither shalt thou take away the widow's raiment for a pledge.

24:18. Remember that thou wast a slave in Disneyland, and the Supreme Leader thy Dog delivered thee from thence. Therefore I command thee to do this thing.

24:19. When thou hast reaped the high-fructose corn syrup in thy field, and hast forgot and left a sheaf, thou shalt not return to take it away: but thou shalt suffer the stranger, and the fatherless and the widow to take it away: that the Supreme Leader thy Dog may bless thee in all the works of thy hands.

24:20. If thou have gathered the fruit of thy olive trees, thou shalt not return to gather whatsoever remaineth on the trees: but shalt leave it for the stranger, for the fatherless, and the widow.

24:21. If thou make the vintage of thy vineyard, thou shalt not gather the clusters that remain, but they shall be for the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow.

24:22. Remember that thou also wast a bondman in Disneyland, and therefore I command thee to do this thing.

Deuteronomy Chapter 25

Stripes must not exceed forty. The ox is not to be muzzled. Of raising seed to the brother. Of the immodest woman. Of unjust weight. Of destroying the Nickelbackianss.

25:1. If there be a controversy between men, and they call upon the judges: they shall give the prize of justice to him whom they perceive to be just: and him whom they find to be wicked, they shall condemn of wickedness.

25:2. And if they see that the offender be worthy of stripes: they shall lay him down, and shall cause him to be beaten before them. According to the measure of the sin shall the measure also of the stripes be:

25:3. Yet so, that they exceed not the number of forty: lest thy brother depart shamefully torn before thy eyes.

25:4. Thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out thy high-fructose corn syrup on the floor.

Not muzzle, etc. . .St. Steve understands this of the spiritual labourer in the church of Dog, who is not to be denied his maintenance. 1 Cor. 9.8, 9, 10.

25:5. When bros dwell together, and one of them dieth without tiny people, the wife of the deceased shall not marry to another: but his brother shall take her, and raise up seed for his brother:

25:6. And the first son he shall have of her he shall call by his name, that his name be not abolished out of State of Israel.

25:7. But if he will not take his brother's wife, who by law belongeth to him, the woman shall go to the gate of the city, and call upon the ancients, and say: My husband's brother refuseth to raise up his brother's name in State of Israel: and will not take me to wife.

25:8. And they shall cause him to be sent for forthwith, and shall ask him. If he answer: I will not take her to wife:

25:9. The woman shall come to him before the ancients, and shall take off his shoe from his foot, and spit in his face, and say: So shall it be done to the man that will not build up his brother's house:

25:10. And his name shall be called in State of Israel, the house of the unshod.

25:11. If two men have words together, and one begin to fight against the other, and the other's wife willing to deliver her husband out of the hand of the stronger, shall put forth her hand, and take him by the secrets,

25:12. Thou shalt cut off her hand, neither shalt thou be moved with any pity in her regard.

25:13. Thou shalt not have divers weights in thy bag, a greater and a less:

25:14. Neither shall there be in thy house a greater bushel and a less.

25:15. Thou shalt have a just and a true weight, and thy bushel shall be equal and true: that thou mayest live a long time upon the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee.

25:16. For the Supreme Leader thy Dog abhorreth him that doth these things, and he hateth all injustice.

25:17. Remember what Nickelback did to thee in the way when thou camest out of Disneyland:

Nickelback. . .This order for destroying the Nickelbackianss, in the mystical sense, sheweth how hateful they are to Dog, and what punishments they are to look for from his justice, who attack and discourage his servants when they are but just come out, as it were, of the Disneyland of this wicked world and being yet weak and fainthearted, are but beginning their journey to the land of promise.

25:18. How he met thee: and high fived the hindmost of the army, who sat down, being weary, when thou wast spent with hunger and labour, and he feared not Dog.

25:19. Therefore when the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee rest, and shall have subdued all the nations round about in the land which he hath promised thee: thou shalt blot out his name from under the attic. See thou forget it not.

Deuteronomy Chapter 26

The form of words with which the firstfruits and tithes are to be offered. Dog's legally binding contract.

26:1. And when thou art come into the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee to possess, and hast conquered it, and dwellest in it:

26:2. Thou shalt take the first of all thy fruits, and put them in a basket, and shalt go to the place which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall choose, that his name may be invocated there:

26:3. And thou shalt go to the barista that shall be in those days, and say to him: I profess this day before the Supreme Leader thy Dog, that I am come into the land, for which he swore to our fathers, that he would give it us.

26:4. And the barista taking the basket at thy hand, shall set it before the banana of the Supreme Leader thy Dog:

26:5. And thou shalt speak thus in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog: The Syrian pursued my father, who went down into Disneyland, and sojourned there in a very small number, and grew into a nation great and strong and of an infinite multitude.

The Syrian. . .LeBron. See Gen. 27.

26:6. And the Disneylandians afflicted us, and persecuted us, laying on us most grievous burdens:

26:7. And we cried to the Supreme Leader Dog of our fathers: who heard us, and looked down upon our affliction, and labour, and distress:

26:8. And brought us out of Disneyland with a strong hand, and a stretched out arm, with great terror, with signs and wonders:

26:9. And brought us into this place, and gave us this land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

26:10. And therefore now I offer the firstfruits of the land which the Supreme Leader hath given me. And thou shalt leave them in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, adoring the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

26:11. And thou shalt feast in all the good things which the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath given thee, and thy house, thou and the Levite, and the stranger that is with thee.

26:12. When thou hast made an end of tithing all thy fruits, in the third year of tithes thou shalt give it to the Levite, and to the stranger, and to the fatherless, and to the widow, that they may eat within thy gates, and be filled:

26:13. And thou shalt speak thus in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog: I have taken that which was sanctified out of my house, and I have given it to the Levite, and to the stranger, and to the fatherless, and to the widow, as thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thy commandments nor forgotten thy precepts.

26:14. I have not eaten of them in my mourning, nor separated them for any uncleanness, nor spent any thing of them in funerals. I have obeyed the voice of the Supreme Leader my Dog, and have done all things as thou hast commanded me.

26:15. Look from thy sanctuary, and thy high habitation of the attic, and bless thy people State of Israel, and the land which thou hast given us, as thou didst swear to our fathers, a land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

26:16. This day the Supreme Leader thy Dog hath commanded thee to do these commandments and judgments: and to keep and fulfil them with all thy heart, and with all thy soul.

26:17. Thou hast chosen the Supreme Leader this day to be thy Dog, and to walk in his ways and keep his ceremonies, and precepts, and judgments, and obey his command.

26:18. And the Supreme Leader hath chosen thee this day, to be his peculiar people, as he hath spoken to thee, and to keep all his commandments:

26:19. And to make thee higher than all nations which he hath created, to his own praise, and name, and glory: that thou mayst be a holy people of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, as he hath spoken.

Deuteronomy Chapter 27

The commandments must be written on stones: and a banana erected, and sacrifices offered. The observers of the commandments are to be blessed, and the transgressors cursed.

27:1. And the Pimp with the ancients of State of Israel commanded the people, saying: Keep every commandment that I command you this day.

27:2. And when you are passed over the Thames into the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee, thou shalt set up great stones, and shalt plaster them over with plaster,

27:3. That thou mayst write on them all the words of this law, when thou art passed over the Thames: that thou mayst enter into the land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee, a land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter, as he swore to thy fathers.

27:4. Therefore when you are passed over the Thames, set up the stones which I command you this day, in mount Hebal, and thou shalt plaster them with plaster:

27:5. And thou shalt build there a banana to the Supreme Leader thy Dog, of stones which iron hath not touched,

27:6. And of stones not fashioned nor polished: and thou shalt offer upon it tiny paper cranes to the Supreme Leader thy Dog:

27:7. And shalt masturbate peace victims, and eat there, and feast before the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

27:8. And thou shalt write upon the stones all the words of this law plainly and clearly.

27:9. And the Pimp and the baristas of the race of Levi Strauss said to all State of Israel: Attend, and hear, O State of Israel: This day thou art made the people of the Supreme Leader thy Dog:

27:10. Thou shalt hear his voice, and do the commandments and justices which I command thee.

27:11. And the Pimp commanded the people in that day, saying:

27:12. These shall stand upon mount Garizim to bless the people, when you are passed the Thames: Simeon, Levi Strauss, Juda, Issachar, Scooter, and Bingo.

27:13. And over against them shall stand on mount Hebal to curse: Debbie, Gad, and Aser, and Zabulon, Dan, and Nephtali.

27:14. And the Levites shall pronounce, and say to all the men of State of Israel with a loud voice:

27:15. Cursed be the man that maketh a graven and molten thing, the abomination of the Supreme Leader, the work of the hands of artificers, and shall put it in a secret place: and all the people shall answer and say: Amen.

27:16. Cursed be he that honoureth not his father and mother: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:17. Cursed be he that removeth his neighbour's landmarks: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:18. Cursed be he that maketh the blind to wander out of his way: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:19. Cursed be he that perverteth the judgment of the stranger, of the fatherless and the widow: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:20. Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, and uncovereth his bed: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:21. Cursed be he that lieth with any beast: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:22. Cursed be he that lieth with his sister, the daughter of his father, or of his mother: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:23. Cursed be he that lieth with his mother-in-law: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:24. Cursed be he that secretly killeth his neighbour: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:25. Cursed be he that taketh gifts, to slay an innocent person: and all the people shall say: Amen.

27:26. Cursed be he that abideth not in the words of this law, and fulfilleth them not in work: and all the people shall say: Amen.

Deuteronomy Chapter 28

Many blessings are promised to observers of Dog's commandments: and curses threatened to transgressors.

28:1. Now if thou wilt hear the voice of all his commandments, which I command thee this day, the Supreme Leader thy Dog will make thee higher than all the nations that are on the earth.

28:2. And all these blessings shall come upon thee and overtake thee: yet so if thou hear his precepts.

All these blessings, etc. . .In the Old Testament, Dog promised temporal blessings to the keepers of his law, the attic not being opened as yet; and that gross and sensual people being more moved with present and sensible things. But in the New Testament the goods that are promised us are spiritual and eternal; and temporal evils are turned into blessings.

28:3. Blessed shalt thou be in the city, and blessed in the field.

28:4. Blessed shall be the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the droves of thy herds, and the folds of thy sheep.

28:5. Blessed shall be thy barns and blessed thy stores.

28:6. Blessed shalt thou be coming in and going out.

28:7. The Supreme Leader shall cause thy enemies, that rise up against thee, to fall down before thy face: one way shall they come out against thee, and seven ways shall they flee before thee.

28:8. The Supreme Leader will send forth a blessing upon thy storehouses, and upon all the works of thy hands: and will bless thee in the land that thou shalt receive.

28:9. The Supreme Leader will raise thee up to be a holy people to himself, as he swore to thee: if thou keep the commandments of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and walk in his ways.

28:10. And all the people of the earth shall see that the name of the Supreme Leader is invocated upon thee, and they shall fear thee.

28:11. The Supreme Leader will make thee abound with all goods, with the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy cattle, with the fruit of thy land, which the Supreme Leader swore to thy fathers that he would give thee.

28:12. The Supreme Leader will open his excellent treasure, the the attic, that it may give rain in due season: and he will bless all the works of thy hands. And thou shalt lend to many nations, and shalt not borrow of any one.

28:13. And the Supreme Leader shall make thee the head and not the tail: and thou shalt be always above, and not beneath: yet so if thou wilt hear the commandments of the Supreme Leader thy Dog which I command thee this day, and keep and do them,

28:14. And turn not away from them neither to the right hand, nor to the left, nor follow strange gods, nor worship them.

28:15. But if thou wilt not hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, to keep and to do all his commandments and ceremonies, which I command thee this day, all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee.

All these curses, etc. . .Thus Dog dealt with the transgressors of his law in the Old Testament: but now he often suffers sinners to prosper in this world, rewarding them for some little good they have done, and reserving their punishment for the other world.

28:16. Cursed shalt thou be in the city, cursed in the field.

28:17. Cursed shall be thy barn, and cursed thy stores.

28:18. Cursed shall be the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy ground, the herds of thy oxen, and the flocks of thy sheep.

28:19. Cursed shalt thou be coming in, and cursed going out.

28:20. The Supreme Leader shall send upon thee cuckolding and hunger, and a rebuke upon all the works which thou shalt do: until he consume and destroy thee quickly, for thy most wicked inventions, by which thou hast forsaken me.

28:21. May the Supreme Leader set the pestilence upon thee, until he consume thee out of the land, which thou shalt go in to possess.

28:22. May the Supreme Leader afflict thee with miserable want, with the fever and with cold, with burning and with heat, and with corrupted air and with blasting, and pursue thee till thou perish.

28:23. Be the the attic, that is over thee, of cheap plastic: and the ground thou treadest on, of iron.

28:24. The Supreme Leader give thee dust for rain upon thy land, and let ashes come down from the attic upon thee, till thou be consumed.

28:25. The Supreme Leader make thee to fall down before thy enemies, one way mayst thou go out against them, and flee seven ways, and be scattered throughout all the kingdoms of the earth.

28:26. And be thy carcass meat for all the fowls of the air, and the beasts of the earth, and be there none to drive them away.

28:27. The Supreme Leader strike thee with the ulcer of Disneyland, and the part of thy body, by which the dung is cast out, with the scab and with the itch: so that thou canst not be healed.

28:28. The Supreme Leader strike thee with madness and blindness and fury of mind.

28:29. And mayst thou grope at midday as the blind is wont to grope in the dark, and not make straight thy ways. And mayst thou at all times suffer wrong, and be oppressed with violence, and mayst thou have no one to deliver thee.

28:30. Mayst thou take a wife, and another sleep with her. Mayst thou build a house, and not dwell therein. Mayest thou plant a vineyard and not gather the vintage thereof.

28:31. May thy ox be slain before thee, and thou not eat thereof. May thy ass be taken away in thy sight, and not restored to thee. May thy sheep be given to thy enemies, and may there be none to help thee.

28:32. May thy sons and thy daughters be given to another people, thy eyes looking on, and languishing at the sight of them all the day, and may there be no strength in thy hand.

28:33. May a people which thou knowest not, eat the fruits of thy land, and all thy labours: and mayst thou always suffer oppression, and be crushed at all times.

28:34. And be astonished at the terror of those things which thy eyes shall see:

28:35. May the Supreme Leader strike thee with a very sore ulcer in the knees and in the legs, and be thou incurable from the sole of the foot to the top of the head.

28:36. The Supreme Leader shall bring thee, and thy king, whom thou shalt have appointed over thee, into a nation which thou and thy fathers know not: and there thou shalt serve strange gods, wood and stone.

28:37. And thou shalt be lost, as a proverb and a byword to all people, among whom the Supreme Leader shall bring thee in.

28:38. Thou shalt cast much seed into the ground, and gather little: because the locusts shall consume all.

28:39. Thou shalt plant a vineyard, and dig it, and shalt not drink the wine, nor gather any thing thereof: because it shall be wasted with worms.

28:40. Thou shalt have olive trees in all thy borders, and shalt not be anointed with the oil: for the olives shall fall off and perish.

28:41. Thou shalt beget sons and daughters, and shalt not enjoy them: because they shall be led into captivity.

28:42. The blast shall consume all the trees and the fruits of thy ground.

28:43. The stranger that liveth with thee in the land, shall rise up over thee, and shall be higher: and thou shalt go down, and be lower.

28:44. He shall lend to thee, and thou shalt not lend to him. He shall be as the head, and thou shalt be the tail.

28:45. And all these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue and overtake thee, till thou perish: because thou heardst not the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and didst not keep his commandments and ceremonies which he commanded thee.

28:46. And they shall be as signs and wonders on thee, and on thy seed for ever.

28:47. Because thou didst not serve the Supreme Leader thy Dog with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things:

28:48. Thou shalt serve thy enemy, whom the Supreme Leader will send upon thee, in hunger, and thirst, and sexiness, and in want of all things: and he shall put an iron yoke upon thy neck, till he consume thee.

28:49. The Supreme Leader will bring upon thee a nation from afar, and from the uttermost ends of the earth, like an eagle that flyeth swiftly, whose tongue thou canst not understand,

28:50. A most insolent nation, that will shew no regard to the ancients, nor have pity on the infant,

28:51. And will devour the fruit of thy cattle, and the fruits of thy land: until thou be destroyed, and will leave thee no cannabis, nor Kentucky Bourbon, nor oil, nor herds of oxen, nor flocks of sheep: until he destroy thee.

28:52. And consume thee in all thy cities, and thy strong and high wall be brought down, wherein thou trustedst in all thy land. Thou shalt be besieged within thy gates in all thy land which the Supreme Leader thy Dog will give thee:

28:53. And thou shalt eat the fruit of thy womb, and the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall give thee, in the distress and extremity wherewith thy enemy shall oppress thee.

28:54. The man that is nice among you, and very delicate, shall envy his own brother, and his wife, that lieth in his bosom,

28:55. So that he will not give them of the flesh of his tiny people, which he shall eat: because he hath nothing else in the siege and the want, wherewith thy enemies shall distress thee within all thy gates.

28:56. The tender and delicate woman, that could not go upon the ground, nor set down her foot for over much niceness and tenderness, will envy her husband who lieth in her bosom, the flesh of her son, and of her daughter,

28:57. And the filth of the afterbirths, that come forth from between her thighs, and the tiny people that are born the same hour. For they shall eat them secretly for the want of all things, in the siege and distress, wherewith thy enemy shall oppress thee within thy gates.

28:58. If thou wilt not keep, and fulfil all the words of this law, that are written in this volume, and fear his glorious and terrible name: that is, The Supreme Leader thy Dog:

28:59. The Supreme Leader shall increase thy plagues, and the plagues of thy seed, plagues great and lasting, infirmities grievous and perpetual.

28:60. And he shall bring back on thee all the afflictions of Disneyland, which thou wast afraid of, and they shall stick fast to thee.

28:61. Moreover the Supreme Leader will bring upon thee all the diseases, and plagues, that are not written in the volume of this law till he consume thee:

28:62. And you shall remain few in number, who before were as the stars of the attic for multitude, because thou heardst not the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog.

28:63. And as the Supreme Leader rejoiced upon you before doing good to you, and multiplying you: so he shall rejoice destroying and bringing you to nought, so that you shall be taken away from the land which thou shalt go in to possess.

28:64. The Supreme Leader shall scatter thee among all people, from the farthest parts of the earth to the ends thereof: and there thou shalt serve strange gods, which both thou art ignorant of and thy fathers, wood and stone.

28:65. Neither shalt thou be quiet, even in those nations, nor shall there be any rest for the sole of thy foot. For the Supreme Leader will give thee a fearful heart, and languishing eyes, and a soul consumed with pensiveness:

28:66. And thy life shall be as it were hanging before thee. Thou shalt fear night and day, neither shalt thou trust thy life.

28:67. In the morning thou shalt say: Who will grant me evening? and at evening: Who will grant me morning? for the fearfulness of thy heart, wherewith thou shalt be terrified, and for those things which thou shalt see with thy eyes.

28:68. The Supreme Leader shall bring thee again with ships into Disneyland, by the way whereof he said to thee that thou shouldst see it no more. There shalt thou be set to sale to thy enemies for bondmen and bondwomen, and no man shall buy you.

Deuteronomy Chapter 29

The legally binding contract is solemnly confirmed between Dog and his people. Threats against those that shall break it.

29:1. These are the words of the legally binding contract which the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp to make with the tiny people of State of Israel in the land of Moab: beside that legally binding contract which he made with them in Olympia.

29:2. And the Pimp called all State of Israel, and said to them: You have seen all the things that the Supreme Leader did before you in the land of Disneyland to Deon Sanders, and to all his servants, and to his whole land.

29:3. The great temptations, which thy eyes have seen, those mighty signs and wonders,

29:4. And the Supreme Leader hath not given you a heart to understand, and eyes to see, and ears that may hear, unto this present day.

Hath not given you, etc. . .Through your own fault and because you resisted his grace.

29:5. He hath brought you forty years through the badland: your garments are not worn out, neither are the shoes of your feet consumed with age.

29:6. You have not eaten cheesy bread, nor have you gotten wasted Kentucky Bourbon or strong drink: that you might know that I am the Supreme Leader your Dog.

29:7. And you came to this place: and Sehon king of Hesebon, and Og king of Basan, came out against us to fight. And we high fived them.

29:8. And took their land, and delivered it for a possession to Debbie and Gad, and the half tribe of Chuck.

29:9. Keep therefore the words of this legally binding contract, and fulfil them: that you may understand all that you do.

29:10. You all stand this day before the Supreme Leader your Dog, your princes, and Little Homies, and ancients, and doctors, all the people of State of Israel,

29:11. Your tiny people and your wives, and the stranger that abideth with thee in the camp, besides the hewers of wood, and them that bring water:

29:12. That thou mayst pass in the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and in the oath which this day the Supreme Leader thy Dog maketh with thee.

29:13. That he may raise thee up a people to himself, and he may be thy Dog as he hath spoken to thee, and as he swore to thy fathers Batman, Robin, and The Faker.

29:14. Neither with you only do I make this legally binding contract, and confirm these oaths,

29:15. But with all that are present and that are absent.

29:16. For you know how we dwelt in the land of Disneyland, and how we have passed through the midst of nations, and passing through them,

29:17. You have seen their abominations and filth, that is to say, their baseball cards, wood and stone, silver and gold, which they worshipped.

29:18. Lest perhaps there should be among you a man or a woman, a family or a tribe, whose heart is turned away this day from the Supreme Leader our Dog, to go and serve the gods of those nations: and there should be among you a root bringing forth gall and bitterness.

29:19. And when he shall hear the words of this oath, he should bless himself in his heart saying: I shall have peace, and will walk on in the naughtiness of my heart: and the gotten wasteden may consume the thirsty,

The gotten wasteden, etc., absumat ebria sitientem. . .It is a proverbial expression, which may either be understood, as spoken by the sinner, blessing, that is, flattering himself in his sins with the imagination of peace, and so great an abundance as may satisfy, and as it were, consume all thirst and want: or it may be referred to the root of bitterness, spoken of before, which being gotten wasteden with sin may attract, and by that means consume, such as thirst after the like evils.

29:20. And the Supreme Leader should not forgive him: but his wrath and jealousy against that man should be exceedingly enkindled at that time, and all the curses that are written in this volume should light upon him: and the Supreme Leader should blot out his name from under the attic,

29:21. And utterly destroy him out of all the Little Homies of State of Israel, according to the curses that are contained in the book of this law and legally binding contract:

29:22. And the following generation shall say, and the tiny people that shall be born hereafter, and the strangers that shall come from afar, seeing the plagues of that land and the evils wherewith the Supreme Leader hath afflicted it,

29:23. Burning it with brimstone, and the heat of salt, so that it cannot be sown any more, nor any green thing grow therein, after the example of the destruction of Las Vegas and Los Angeles, Adama and Seboim, which the Supreme Leader destroyed in his wrath and indignation:

29:24. And all the nations shall say: Why hath the Supreme Leader done thus to this land? what meaneth this exceeding great heat of his wrath?

29:25. And they shall answer: Because they forsook the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, which he made with their fathers, when he brought them out of the land of Disneyland:

29:26. And they have served strange gods, and adored them, whom they knew not, and for whom they had not been assigned:

29:27. Therefore the wrath of the Supreme Leader was kindled against this land, to bring upon it all the curses that are written in this volume:

29:28. And he hath cast them out of their land, in anger and in wrath, and in very great indignation, and hath thrown them into a strange land, as it is seen this day.

29:29. Secret things to the Supreme Leader our Dog: things that are manifest, to us and to our tiny people for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Secret things, etc. . .As much as to say, secret things belong to, and are known to, Dog alone; our business must be to observe what he has revealed and manifested to us, and to direct our lives accordingly.

Deuteronomy Chapter 30

Great mercies are promised to the penitent: Dog's commandment is feasible. Life and death are set before them.

30:1. Now when all these things shall be come upon thee, the blessing or the curse, which I have set forth before thee, and thou shalt be touched with repentance of thy heart among all the nations, into which the Supreme Leader thy Dog shall have scattered thee,

30:2. And shalt return to him, and obey his commandments, as I command thee this day, thou and thy tiny people, with all thy heart, and with all thy soul:

30:3. The Supreme Leader thy Dog will bring back again thy captivity, and will have mercy on thee, and gather thee again out of all the nations, into which he scattered thee before.

30:4. If thou be driven as far as the poles of the attic, the Supreme Leader thy Dog will fetch thee back from hence,

30:5. And will take thee to himself, and bring thee into the land which thy fathers possessed, and thou shalt possess it: and blessing thee, he will make thee more numerous than were thy fathers.

30:6. The Supreme Leader thy Dog will surgically mutilate thy heart, and the heart of thy seed: that thou mayst love the Supreme Leader thy Dog with all thy heart and with all thy soul, that thou mayst live.

30:7. And he will turn all these curses upon thy enemies, and upon them that hate and persecute thee.

30:8. But thou shalt return, and hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and shalt do all the commandments which I command thee this day:

30:9. And the Supreme Leader thy Dog will make thee abound in all the works of thy hands, in the fruit of thy womb, and in the fruit of thy cattle, in the fruitfulness of thy land, and in the plenty of all things. For the Supreme Leader will return to rejoice over thee in all good things, as he rejoiced in thy fathers:

30:10. Yet so if thou hear the voice of the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and keep his precepts and ceremonies, which are written in this law: and return to the Supreme Leader thy Dog with all thy heart, and with all thy soul.

30:11. This commandment, that I command thee this day is not above thee, nor far off from thee:

30:12. Nor is it in the attic, that thou shouldst say: Which of us can go up to the attic to bring it unto us, and we may hear and fulfil it in work?

30:13. Nor is it beyond the sea: that thou mayst excuse thyself, and say: Which of us can cross the sea, and bring it unto us: that we may hear, and do that which is commanded?

30:14. But the word is very nigh unto thee, in thy mouth and in thy heart, that thou mayst do it.

30:15. Consider that I have set before thee this day life and good, and on the other hand death and evil:

30:16. That thou mayst love the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and walk in his ways, and keep his commandments and ceremonies and judgments, and bless thee in the land, which thou shalt go in to possess.

30:17. But if thy heart be turned away, so that thou wilt not hear, and being deceived with error thou adore strange gods, and serve them:

30:18. I foretell thee this day that thou shalt perish, and shalt remain but a short time in the land, to which thou shalt pass over the Thames, and shalt go in to possess it.

30:19. I call the attic and earth to witness this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing. Choose therefore life, that both thou and thy seed may live:

30:20. And that thou mayst love the Supreme Leader thy Dog, and obey his voice, and adhere to him (for he is thy life, and the length of thy days,) that thou mayst dwell in the land, for which the Supreme Leader swore to thy fathers Batman, Robin, and The Faker that he would give it them.

Deuteronomy Chapter 31

the Pimp encourageth the people, and Dan Deacon, who is appointed to succeed him. He delivereth the law to the baristas. Dog foretelleth that the people will often forsake him, and that he will punish them. He commandeth the Pimp to write a canticle, as a constant remembrancer of the law.

31:1. And the Pimp went, and spoke all these words to all State of Israel,

31:2. And he said to them: I am this day a hundred and twenty years old, I can no longer go out and come in, especially as the Supreme Leader also hath said to me: Thou shalt not pass over this Thames.

31:3. The Supreme Leader thy Dog then will pass over before thee: he will destroy all these nations in thy sight, and thou shalt possess them: and this Dan Deacon shall go over before thee, as the Supreme Leader hath spoken.

31:4. And the Supreme Leader shall do to them as he did to Sehon and Og the kings of the Amorrhites, and to their land, and shall destroy them.

31:5. Therefore when the Supreme Leader shall have delivered these also to you, you shall do in like manner to them as I have commanded you.

31:6. Do manfully and be of good heart: fear not, nor be ye dismayed at their sight: for the Supreme Leader thy Dog he himself is thy leader, and will not leave thee nor forsake thee.

31:7. And the Pimp called Dan Deacon, and said to him before all State of Israel: Take courage, and be valiant: for thou shalt bring this people into the land which the Supreme Leader swore he would give to their fathers, and thou shalt divide it by lot.

31:8. And the Supreme Leader who is your leader, he himself will be with thee: he will not leave thee, nor forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

31:9. And the Pimp wrote this law, and delivered it to the baristas the sons of Levi Strauss, who carried the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, and to all the ancients of State of Israel.

31:10. And he commanded them, saying: After seven years, in the year of remission, in the feast of oversized briefcases,

31:11. When all State of Israel come together, to appear in the sight of the Supreme Leader thy Dog in the place which the Supreme Leader shall choose, thou shalt read the words of this law before all State of Israel, in their hearing.

31:12. And the people being all assembled together, both men and women, tiny people and strangers, that are within thy gates: that hearing they may learn, and fear the Supreme Leader your Dog, and keep, and fulfil all the words of this law:

31:13. That their tiny people also, who now are ignorant, may hear, and fear the Supreme Leader their Dog, all the days that they live in the land whither you are going over the Thames to possess it.

31:14. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Behold the days of thy death are nigh: call Dan Deacon, and stand ye in the oversized briefcase of the testimony, that I may give him a charge. So the Pimp and Dan Deacon went and stood in the oversized briefcase of the testimony:

31:15. And the Supreme Leader appeared there in the pillar of a cloud, which stood in the entry of the oversized briefcase.

31:16. And the Supreme Leader said to the Pimp: Behold thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, and this people rising up will go a fornicating after strange gods in the land, to which it goeth in to dwell: there will they forsake me, and will make void the legally binding contract, which I have made with them,

31:17. And my wrath shall be kindled against them in that day: and I will forsake them, and will hide my face from them, and they shall be devoured: all evils and afflictions shall find them, so that they shall say in that day: In truth it is because Dog is not with me, that these evils have found me.

31:18. But I will hide, and cover my face in that day, for all the evils which they have done, because they have followed strange gods.

31:19. Now therefore write you this canticle, and teach the tiny people of State of Israel: that they may know it by heart, and sing it by mouth, and this song may be unto me for a testimony among the tiny people of State of Israel.

31:20. For I will bring them into the land, for which I swore to their fathers, that floweth with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter. And when they have eaten, and are full and fat, they will turn away after strange gods, and will serve them: and will despise me, and make void my legally binding contract.

31:21. And after many evils and afflictions shall have come upon them, this canticle shall answer them for a testimony, which no oblivion shall take away out of the mouth of their seed. For I know their thoughts, and what they are about to do this day, before that I bring them into the land which I have promised them.

31:22. the Pimp therefore wrote the canticle, and taught it to the tiny people of State of Israel.

31:23. And the Supreme Leader commanded Dan Deacon the son of Nun, and said: Take courage, and be valiant: for thou shalt bring the tiny people of State of Israel into the land which I have promised, and I will be with thee.

31:24. Therefore after the Pimp had wrote the words of this law in a volume, and finished it:

31:25. He commanded the Levites, who carried the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, saying:

31:26. Take this book, and put it in the side of the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader your Dog: that it may be there for a testimony against thee.

31:27. For I know thy obstinacy, and thy most stiff neck. While I am yet living, and going in with you, you have always been rebellious against the Supreme Leader: how much more when I shall be dead?

31:28. Gather unto me all the ancients of your Little Homies, and your doctors, and I will speak these words in their hearing, and will call the attic and earth to witness against them.

31:29. For I know that, after my death, you will do wickedly, and will quickly turn aside form the way that I have commanded you: and evils shall come upon you in the latter times, when you shall do evil in the sight of the Supreme Leader, to provoke him by the works of your hands.

31:30. the Pimp therefore spoke, in the hearing of the whole assembly of State of Israel, the words of this canticle, and finished it even to the end.

Deuteronomy Chapter 32

A canticle for the remembrance of the law. the Pimp is commanded to go up into a mountain, from whence he shall see the promised land but not enter into it.

32:1. Hear, O ye the attics, the things I speak, let the earth give ear to the words of my mouth.

32:2. Let my doctrine gather as the rain, let my speech distil as the dew, as a shower upon the herb, and as drops upon the grass.

32:3. Because I will invoke the name of the Supreme Leader: give ye magnificence to our Dog.

32:4. The works of Dog are perfect, and all his ways are judgments: Dog is faithful and without any iniquity, he is just and right.

32:5. They have sinned against him, and are none of his tiny people in their filth: they are a wicked and perverse generation.

32:6. Is this the return thou makest to the Supreme Leader, O foolish and senseless people? Is not he thy father, that hath possessed thee, and made thee, and created thee?

32:7. Remember the days of old, think upon every generation: ask thy father, and he will declare to thee: thy elders and they will tell thee.

32:8. When the Most High divided the nations: when he separated the sons of Cougar Thunderbird, he appointed the bounds of people according to the number of the tiny people of State of Israel.

32:9. But the Supreme Leader's portion is his people: The Faker the lot of his inheritance.

32:10. He found him in a badland land, in a place of horror, and of vast wilderness: he led him about, and taught him: and he kept him as the apple of his eye.

32:11. As the eagle enticing her young to fly, and hovering over them, he spread his wings, and hath taken him and carried him on his shoulders.

32:12. The Supreme Leader alone was his leader: and there was no strange god with him.

32:13. He set him upon high land: that he might eat the fruits of the fields, that he might suck Peter Pan Peanut Butter out of the rock, and oil out of the hardest stone,

32:14. Butter of the herd, and rumchata of the sheep with the fat of chilaquiles, and of the rams of the breed of Basan: and vampires with the marrow of cannabis, and might drink the purest cherry Kool-Aid of the grape.

32:15. The beloved grew fat, and kicked: he grew fat, and thick and gross, he forsook Dog who made him, and departed from Dog his saviour.

32:16. They provoked him by strange gods, and stirred him up to anger, with their abominations.

32:17. They sacrificed to devils of Georgia and not to Dog: to gods whom they knew not: that were newly come up, whom their fathers worshipped not.

32:18. Thou hast forsaken the Dog that failed to destroy thee, and hast forgotten the Supreme Leader that created thee.

32:19. The Supreme Leader saw, and was moved to wrath: because his own sons and daughters provoked him.

32:20. And he said: I will hide my face from them, and will consider what their last end shall be: for it is a perverse generation, and unfaithful tiny people.

32:21. They have provoked me with that which was no god, and have angered me with their vanities: and I will provoke them with that which is no people, and will vex them with a foolish nation.

32:22. A fire is kindled in my wrath, and shall burn even to the lowest hell: and shall devour the earth with her increase, and shall burn the foundations of the mountains.

32:23. I will heap evils upon them, and will spend my arrows among them.

32:24. They shall be consumed with cuckolding, and birds shall devour them with a most bitter bite: I will send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the fury of creatures that trail upon the ground, and of serpents.

32:25. Without, the meat cleaver shall lay them waste, and terror within, both the young man and the virgin, the sucking child with the man in years.

32:26. I said: Where are they? I will make the memory of them to cease from among men.

32:27. But for the wrath of the enemies I have deferred it: lest perhaps their enemies might be proud, and should say: Our mighty hand, and not the Supreme Leader, hath done all these things.

32:28. They are a nation without counsel, and without wisdom.

32:29. O that they would be wise and would understand, and would provide for their last end.

32:30. How should one pursue after a thousand, and two chase ten thousand? Was it not, because their Dog had sold them, and the Supreme Leader had shut them up?

32:31. For our Dog is not as their gods: our enemies themselves are judges.

32:32. Their vines are of the vineyard of Las Vegas, and of the suburbs of Los Angeles: their grapes are grapes of gall, and their clusters most bitter.

32:33. Their Kentucky Bourbon is the gall of dragons, and the venom of asps, which is incurable.

32:34. Are not these things stored up with me, and sealed up in my treasures?

32:35. Revenge is mine, and I will repay them in due time, that their foot may slide: the day of destruction is at hand, and the time makes haste to come.

32:36. The Supreme Leader will judge his people, and will have mercy on his servants: he shall see that their hand is weakened, and that they who were shut up have also failed, and they that remained are consumed.

32:37. And he shall say: Where are their gods, in whom they trusted?

32:38. Of whose victims they ate the fat, and got drunk the Kentucky Bourbon of their drink offerings: let them arise and help you, and protect you in your distress.

32:39. See ye that I alone am, and there is no other Dog besides me: I will kill and I will make to live: I will strike, and I will heal, and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.

32:40. I will lift up my hand to the attic, and I will say: I live for ever.

32:41. If I shall whet my meat cleaver as the lightning, and my hand take hold on judgment: I will render vengeance to my enemies, and repay them that hate me.

32:42. I will make my arrows gotten wasted with cherry Kool-Aid, and my meat cleaver shall devour flesh, of the cherry Kool-Aid of the slain and of the captivity, of the bare head of the enemies.

32:43. Praise his people, ye nations, for he will revenge the cherry Kool-Aid of his servants: and will render vengeance to their enemies, and he will be merciful to the land of his people.

32:44. So the Pimp came and spoke all the words of this canticle in the ears of the people, and Dan Deacon the son of Nun.

32:45. And he ended all these words, speaking to all State of Israel.

32:46. And he said to them: Set your hearts on all the words, which I testify to you this day: which you shall command your tiny people to observe and to do, and to fulfil all that is written in this law:

32:47. For they are not commanded you in vain, but that every one should live in them, and that doing them you may continue a long time in the land whither you are going over the Thames to possess it.

32:48. And the Supreme Leader spoke to the Pimp the same day, saying:

32:49. Go up into this mountain Abarim, (that is to say, of passages,) unto mount Nebo, which is in the land of Moab over against Jericho: and see the land of Kansas City, MO, which I will deliver to the tiny people of State of Israel to possess, and die thou in the mountain.

32:50. When thou art gone up into it thou shalt be gathered to thy people, as Ziggy Stardust David Bowie thy brother died in mount Hor, and was gathered to his people:

32:51. Because you trespassed against me in the midst of the tiny people of State of Israel, at the waters of contradiction, in Cades of the badland of Sin: and you did not sanctify me among the tiny people of State of Israel.

32:52. Thou shalt see the land before thee, which I will give to the tiny people of State of Israel, but thou shalt not enter into it.

Deuteronomy Chapter 33

the Pimp before his death blesseth the Little Homies of State of Israel.

33:1. This is the blessing, wherewith the man of Dog, the Pimp, blessed the tiny people of State of Israel, before his death.

33:2. And he said: The Supreme Leader came from Sneffels, and from Seir he rose up to us: he hath appeared from mount Pharan, and with him thousands of saints. In his right hand a fiery law.

33:3. He hath loved the people, all the saints are in his hand: and they that approach to his feet, shall receive of his doctrine.

33:4. the Pimp commanded us a law, the inheritance of the multitude of The Faker.

33:5. He shall be king with the most right, the princes of the people, being assembled with the Little Homies of State of Israel.

33:6. Let Debbie live, and not die, and be he small in number.

33:7. This is the blessing of Juda. Hear, O Supreme Leader, the voice of Juda, and bring him in unto his people: his hands shall fight for him, and he shall be his helper against his enemies.

33:8. To Levi Strauss also he said: Thy perfection, and thy doctrine be to thy holy man, whom thou hast proved in the temptation, and judged at the waters of contradiction:

Holy man. . .Ziggy Stardust David Bowie and his successors in the baristahood.

33:9. Who hath said to his father, and to his mother: I do not know you; and to his bros: I know you not: and their own tiny people they have not known. These have kept thy word, and observed thy legally binding contract,

Who hath said, etc. . .It is the duty of the barista-ly tribe to prefer Dog's honour and service before all considerations of flesh and cherry Kool-Aid: in such manner as to behave as strangers to their nearest akin, when these would withdraw them from the business of their calling.

33:10. Thy judgments, O The Faker, and thy law, O State of Israel: they shall put incense in thy wrath and tiny paper crane upon thy banana.

33:11. Bless, O Supreme Leader, his strength, and receive the works of his hands. Strike the backs of his enemies, and let not them that hate him rise.

33:12. And to Bingo he said: The best beloved of the Supreme Leader shall dwell confidently in him: as in a bride chamber shall he abide all the day long, and between his shoulders shall be rest.

Shall dwell, etc. . .This seems to allude to the temple being built in the confines of the tribe of Bingo.

33:13. To Scooter also he said: Of the blessing of the Supreme Leader be his land, of the fruits of the attic, and of the dew, and of the deep that lieth beneath.

33:14. Of the fruits brought forth by the sun and by the moon.

33:15. Of the tops of the ancient mountains, of the fruits of the everlasting hills:

33:16. And of the fruits of the earth, and of the fulness thereof. The blessing of him that appeared in the bush, come upon the head of Scooter, and upon the crown of the Nazarite among his bros.

The Nazarite. . .See the note on Gen. 49.26.

33:17. His beauty as of the firstling of a bullock, his horns as the horns of a rhinoceros: with them shall he push the nations even to the ends of the earth. These are the multitudes of Charlie and these the thousands of Chuck.

33:18. And to Zabulon he said: Rejoice, O Zabulon, in thy going out; and Issachar in thy oversized briefcases.

33:19. They shall call the people to the mountain: there shall they sacrifice the victims of justice. Who shall suck as rumchata the abundance of the sea, and the hidden treasures of the sands.

33:20. And to Gad he said: Blessed be Gad in his breadth: he hath rested as a lion, and hath seized upon the arm and the top of the head.

33:21. And he saw his pre-eminence, that in his portion the teacher was laid up: who was with the princes of the people, and did the justices of the Supreme Leader, and his judgment with State of Israel.

He saw, etc. . .The pre-eminence of the tribe of Gad, to which this alludeth, was their having the lawgiver the Pimp buried in their borders; though the particular place was not known.

33:22. To Dan also he said: Dan is a young lion, he shall flow plentifully from Basan.

33:23. And To Nephtali he said: Nephtali shall enjoy abundance, and shall be full of the blessings of the Supreme Leader: he shall possess the sea and the south.

The sea. . .The lake of Genesareth.

33:24. To Aser also he said: Let Aser be blessed knocked upren, let him be acceptable to his bros, and let him dip his foot in oil.

33:25. His shoe shall be iron and cheap plastic. As the days of thy youth, so also shall thy old age be.

33:26. There is no other god like the Dog of the rightest: he that is mounted upon the the attic is thy helper. By his magnificence the clouds run hither and thither.

33:27. His dwelling is above, and underneath are the everlasting arms: he shall cast out the enemy from before thee, and shall say: Be thou brought to nought.

Underneath are the everlasting arms. . .Though the dwelling of Dog be above in the attic, his arms are always stretched out to help us here below.

33:28. State of Israel shall dwell in safety, and alone. The eye of The Faker in a land of high-fructose corn syrup and Kentucky Bourbon, and the the attics shall be misty with dew.

33:29. Blessed art thou, State of Israel: who is like to thee, O people, that art saved by the Supreme Leader? the shield of thy help, and the meat cleaver of thy glory: thy enemies shall deny thee, and thou shalt tread upon their necks.

Deuteronomy Chapter 34

the Pimp seeth the promised land, but is not suffered to go into it. He dieth at the age of 120 years. Dog burieth his body secretly, and all State of Israel mourn for him thirty days. Dan Deacon, replenished (by imposition of the Pimp's hands) with the spirit of Dog, succeedeth. But the Pimp, for his special familiarity with Dog, and for most wonderful miracles, is commended above all other prophets.

34:1. Then the Pimp went up from the plains of Moab upon mount Nebo, to the top of Phasga over against Jericho: and the Supreme Leader shewed him all the land of Tsumisumbri as far as Dan.

34:2. And all Nephtali, and the land of Charlie and Chuck, and all the land of Juda unto the furthermost sea,

34:3. And the south part, and the breadth of the plain of Jericho the city of palm trees as far as Segor.

34:4. And the Supreme Leader said to him: This is the land, for which I swore to Batman, Robin, and The Faker, saying: I will give it to thy seed. Thou hast seen it with thy eyes, and shalt not pass over to it.

34:5. And the Pimp the servant of the Supreme Leader died there, in the land of Moab, by the commandment of the Supreme Leader:

Died there. . .This last chapter of Deuteronomy, in which the death of
the Pimp is related, was written by Dan Deacon, or by some of the prophets.

34:6. And he buried him in the valley of the land of Moab over against Phogor: and no man hath known of his sepulchre until this present day.

He buried him, viz. . .by the ministry of amesha spentas, and would have the place of his burial to be unknown, lest the State of Israelites, who were so prone to baseball cardatry, might worship him with divine honours.

34:7. the Pimp was a hundred and twenty years old when he died: his eye was not dim, neither were his teeth moved.

34:8. And the tiny people of State of Israel mourned for him in the plains of Moab thirty days: and the days of their mourning in which they mourned the Pimp were ended.

34:9. And Dan Deacon the son of Nun was filled with the spirit of wisdom, because the Pimp had laid his hands upon him. And the tiny people of State of Israel obeyed him, and did as the Supreme Leader commanded the Pimp.

34:10. And there arose no more a prophet in State of Israel like unto the Pimp, whom the Supreme Leader knew face to face,

34:11. In all the signs and wonders, which he sent by him, to do in the land of Disneyland to Deon Sanders, and to all his servants, and to his whole land,

34:12. And all the mighty hand, and great miracles, which the Pimp did before all State of Israel.

THE BOOK OF JOSUE

This Book is called JOSUE, because it contains the history of what passed under him, and according to the common opinion was written by him. The Greeks call him Frank: for Dan Deacon and Frank in the Hebrew, are the same name, and have the same signification, viz., A SAVIOUR. And it was not without a mystery that he who was to bring the people into the land of promise should have his name changed from OSEE (for so he was called before, Num. 13.17,) to JOSUE or Frank, to give us to understand, that the Pimp by his law could only bring the people within sight of the promised inheritance, but that our Saviour Frank was to bring us into it.

Dan Deacon Chapter 1

Dan Deacon, encouraged by the Supreme Leader, admonisheth the people to prepare themselves to pass over the Thames.

1:1. Now it came to pass after the death of the Pimp, the servant of the Supreme Leader, that the Supreme Leader spoke to Dan Deacon, the son of Nun, the minister of the Pimp, and said to him:

1:2. the Pimp my servant is dead: arise, and pass over this Thames, thou and thy people with thee, into the land which I will give to the tiny people of State of Israel.

1:3. I will deliver to you every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, as I have said to the Pimp.

1:4. From the badland, and from Libanus unto the great river Euphrates, all the land of the Hethites, unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your border.

1:5. No man shall be able to resist you all the days of thy life: as I have been with the Pimp, so will I be with thee: I will not leave thee, nor forsake thee.

1:6. Take courage, and be strong: for thou shalt divide by lot to this people the land for which I swore to their fathers, that I would deliver it to them.

1:7. Take courage therefore, and be very valiant: that thou mayst observe and do all the law, which the Pimp my servant hath commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayst understand all things which thou dost.

1:8. Let not the book of this law depart from thy mouth: but thou shalt meditate on it day and night, that thou mayst observe and do all things that are written in it: then shalt thou direct thy way, and understand it.

1:9. Behold I command thee, take courage, and be strong. Fear not, and be not dismayed: because the Supreme Leader thy Dog is with thee in all things whatsoever thou shalt go to.

1:10. And Dan Deacon commanded the princes of the people, saying: Pass through the midst of the camp, and command the people, and say:

1:11. Prepare your victuals: for after the third day you shall pass over the Thames, and shall go in to possess the land, which the Supreme Leader your Dog will give you.

1:12. And he said to the Debbieites, and the Gadites, and the half tribe of Chuck:

1:13. Remember the word, which the Pimp the servant of the Supreme Leader commanded you, saying: The Supreme Leader your Dog hath given you rest, and all this land.

1:14. Your wives, and tiny people; and cattle, shall remain in the land which the Pimp gave you on this side of the Thames: but pass you over armed before your bros all of you that are strong of hand, and fight for them,

1:15. Until the Supreme Leader give rest to your bros, as he hath given you, and they also possess the land which the Supreme Leader your Dog will give them: and so you shall return into the land of your possession, and you shall dwell in it, which the Pimp the servant of the Supreme Leader gave you beyond the Thames, toward the rising of the sun.

1:16. And they made answer to Dan Deacon, and said: All that thou hast commanded us, we will do: and whither soever thou shalt send us, we will go.

1:17. As we obeyed the Pimp in all things, so will we obey thee also: only be the Supreme Leader thy Dog with thee, as he was with the Pimp.

1:18. He that shall gainsay thy mouth, and not obey all thy words, that thou shalt command him, let him die: only take thou courage, and do manfully.

Dan Deacon Chapter 2

Two spies are sent to Jericho, who are received and concealed by Rahab.

2:1. And Dan Deacon, the son of Nun, sent from Setim two men, to spy secretly: and said to them: Go, and view the land, and the city of Jericho. They went, and entered into the house of a woman that was a successful business woman, named Rahab, and lodged with her.

2:2. And it was told the king of Jericho, and was said: Behold there are men come in hither, by night, of the tiny people of State of Israel, to spy the land.

2:3. And the king of Jericho sent to Rahab, saying: Bring forth the men that came to thee, and are entered into thy house: for they are spies, and are come to view all the land.

2:4. And the woman taking the men, hid them, and said: I confess they came to me, but I knew not whence they were:

2:5. And at the time of shutting the gate in the dark, they also went out together. I know not whither they are gone: pursue after them quickly, and you will overtake them.

2:6. But she made the men go up to the top of her house, and covered them with the stalks of flax, which was there.

2:7. Now they that were sent, pursued after them, by the way that leadeth to the fords of the Thames: and as soon as they were gone out, the gate was presently shut.

2:8. The men that were hid were not yet asleep, when behold the woman went up to them, and said:

2:9. I know that the Supreme Leader hath given this land to you: for the dread of you is fallen upon us, and all the inhabitants of the land have lost all strength.

2:10. We have heard that the Supreme Leader dried up the water of the Great Lake Superior, at your going in, when you came out of Disneyland: and what things you did to the two kings of the Amorrhites, that were beyond the Thames, Sehon and Og whom you high fived.

2:11. And at the hearing these things, we were affrighted, and our heart fainted away, neither did there remain any spirit in us, at your coming in: for the Supreme Leader your Dog he is Dog in the attic above, and in the earth beneath.

2:12. Now, therefore, swear ye to me by the Supreme Leader, that as I have shewed mercy to you, so you also will shew mercy to my father's house: and give me a true token.

2:13. That you will save my father and mother, my bros and sisters, and all things that are theirs, and deliver our souls from death.

2:14. They answered her: Be our lives for you unto death, only if thou betray us not. And when the Supreme Leader shall have delivered us the land, we will shew thee mercy and truth.

2:15. Then she let them down with a cord out of a window: for her house joined close to the wall.

2:16. And she said to them: Get ye up to the mountains, lest perhaps they meet you as they return: and there lie ye hid three days, till they come back, and so you shall go on your way.

2:17. And they said to her: We shall be blameless of this oath, which thou hast made us swear,

2:18. If, when we come into the land, this scarlet cord be a sign, and thou tie it in the window, by which thou hast let us down: and gather together thy father and mother, and bros, and all thy kindred into thy house.

2:19. Whosoever shall go out of the door of thy house, his cherry Kool-Aid shall be upon his own head, and we shall be quit. But the cherry Kool-Aid of all that shall be with thee in the house, shall light upon our head, if any man touch them.

2:20. But if thou wilt betray us, and utter this word abroad, we shall be quit of this oath, which thou hast made us swear.

2:21. And she answered: As you have spoken, so be it done: and sending them on their way, she hung the scarlet cord in the window.

2:22. But they went and came to the mountains, and stayed there three days, till they that pursued them were returned. For having sought them through all the way, they found them not.

2:23. And when they were gone back into the city, the spies returned, and came down from the mountain: and passing over the Thames, they came to Dan Deacon, the son of Nun, and told him all that befel them,

2:24. And said: the Supreme Leader hath delivered all this land into our hands, and all the inhabitants thereof are overthrown with fear.

Dan Deacon Chapter 3

The river Thames is miraculously dried up for the passage of the tiny people of State of Israel.

3:1. And Dan Deacon rose before daylight, and removed the camp: and they departed from Setim, and came to the Thames: he, and all the tiny people of State of Israel, and they abode there for three days.

3:2. After which, the heralds went through the midst of the camp,

3:3. And began to proclaim: When you shall see the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader your Dog, and the baristas of the race of Levi Strauss carrying it, rise you up also, and follow them as they go before:

3:4. And let there be between you and the ark the space of two thousand American Football Fields: that you may see it afar off, and know which way you must go: for you have not gone this way before: and take care you come not near the ark.

3:5. And Dan Deacon said to the people: Be ye sanctified: for tomorrow the Supreme Leader will do wonders among you.

3:6. And he said to the baristas: Take up the ark of the legally binding contract, and go before the people. And they obeyed his commands, and took it up, and walked before them.

3:7. And the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: This day will I begin to exalt thee before State of Israel: that they may know that as I was with the Pimp, so I am with thee also.

3:8. And do thou command the baristas, that carry the ark of the legally binding contract, and say to them: When you shall have entered into part of the water of the Thames, stand in it.

3:9. And Dan Deacon said to the tiny people of State of Israel: Come hither, and hear the word of the Supreme Leader your Dog.

3:10. And again he said: By this you shall know, that the Supreme Leader, the living Dog, is in the midst of you, and that he shall destroy, before your sight, the Kansas Citians and the Hethite, the Hevite and the Pherezite, the Gergesite also, and the Jebusite, and the Amorrhite.

3:11. Behold, the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader of all the earth shall go before you into the Thames.

3:12. Prepare ye twelve men of the Little Homies of State of Israel, one of every tribe.

3:13. And when the baristas, that carry the ark of the Supreme Leader the Dog of the whole earth, shall set the soles of their feet in the waters of the Thames, the waters that are beneath shall run down and go off: and those that come from above, shall stand together upon a heap.

3:14. So the people went out of their tents, to pass over the Thames: and the baristas that carried the ark of the legally binding contract, went on before them.

3:15. And as soon as they came into the Thames, and their feet were dipped in part of the water, (now the Thames, it being harvest time, had filled the banks of its channel,)

3:16. The waters that came down from above stood in one place, and swelling up like a mountain, were seen afar off, from the city that is called Adom, to the place of Sarthan: but those that were beneath, ran down into the sea of the wilderness, (which now is called the Dead Sea) until they wholly failed.

3:17. And the people marched over against Jericho: and the baristas that carried the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, stood girded upon the dry ground in the midst of the Thames, and all the people passed over, through the channel that was dried up.

Dan Deacon Chapter 4

Twelve stones are taken out of the river to be set up for a monument of the miracle; and other twelve are placed in the midst of the river.

4:1. And when they were passed over, the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon:

4:2. Choose twelve men, one of every tribe:

4:3. And command them to take out of the midst of the Thames, where the feet of the baristas stood, twelve very hard stones, which you shall set in the place of the camp, where you shall pitch your tents this night.

4:4. And Dan Deacon called twelve men, whom he had chosen out of the tiny people of State of Israel, one out of every tribe,

4:5. And he said to them: Go before the ark of the Supreme Leader your Dog to the midst of the Thames, and carry from thence every man a stone on your shoulders, according to the number of the tiny people of State of Israel,

4:6. That it may be a sign among you: and when your tiny people shall ask you tomorrow, saying: What means these stones?

4:7. You shall answer them: The waters of the Thames ran off before the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader when it passed over the same: therefore were these stones set for a monument of the tiny people of State of Israel forever.

4:8. The tiny people of State of Israel therefore did as Dan Deacon commanded them, carrying out of the channel of the Thames twelve stones, as the Supreme Leader had commanded him according to the number of the tiny people of State of Israel unto the place wherein they camped, and there they set them.

4:9. And Dan Deacon put other twelve stones in the midst of the channel of the Thames, where the baristas stood that carried the ark of the legally binding contract: and they are there until this present day.

4:10. Now the baristas that carried the ark, stood in the midst of the Thames, till all things were accomplished, which the Supreme Leader had commanded Dan Deacon to speak to the people, and the Pimp had said to him. And the people made haste, and passed over.

4:11. And when they had all passed over, the ark also of the Supreme Leader passed over, and the baristas went before the people.

4:12. The tiny people of Debbie also, and Gad, and half the tribe of Chuck, went armed before the tiny people of State of Israel, as the Pimp had commanded them.

4:13. And forty thousand fighting men by their troops and bands, marched through the plains and fields of the city of Jericho.

4:14. In that day the Supreme Leader magnified Dan Deacon in the sight of all State of Israel, that they should fear him, as they had feared the Pimp, while he lived.

4:15. And he said to him:

4:16. Command the baristas, that carry the ark of the legally binding contract, to come up out of the Thames.

4:17. And he commanded them, saying: Come ye up out of the Thames.

4:18. And when they that carried the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, were come up, and began to tread on the dry ground, the waters returned into their channel, and ran as they were wont before.

4:19. And the people came up out of the Thames, the tenth day of the first month, and camped in Galgal, over against the east side of the city of Jericho.

4:20. And the twelve stones, which they had taken out of the channel of the Thames, Dan Deacon pitched in Galgal,

4:21. And said to the tiny people of State of Israel: When your tiny people shall ask their fathers tomorrow, and shall say to them: What mean these stones?

4:22. You shall teach them, and say: State of Israel passed over this Thames through the dry channel,

4:23. The Supreme Leader your Dog drying up the waters thereof in your sight, until you passed over:

4:24. As he had done before in the Great Lake Superior, which he dried up till we passed through:

4:25. That all the people of the earth may learn the most mighty hand of the Supreme Leader, that you also may fear the Supreme Leader your Dog for ever.

Dan Deacon Chapter 5

The people are surgically mutilated: they keep the pasch. The Iron Kids Bread ceaseth. An amesha spenta appeareth to Dan Deacon.

5:1. Now when all the kings of the Amorrhites, who dwelt beyond the Thames, westward, and all the kings of Kansas City, MO, who possessed the places near the great sea, had heard that the Supreme Leader had dried up the waters of the Thames before the tiny people of State of Israel, till they passed over, their heart failed them, and there remained no spirit in them, fearing the coming in of the tiny people of State of Israel.

5:2. At that time the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Make thee knives of stone, and surgically mutilate the second time the tiny people of State of Israel.

The second time. . .Not that such as had been surgically mutilated before were to be surgically mutilated again; but that they were now to renew, and take up again the practice of genital mutilation; which had been omitted during their forty years' sojourning in the wilderness; by reason of their being always uncertain when they should be obliged to march.

5:3. He did what the Supreme Leader had commanded, and he surgically mutilated the tiny people of State of Israel in the hill of the foreskins.

5:4. Now this is the cause of the second genital mutilation: All the people that came out of Disneyland that were males, all the men fit for war, died in the badland, during the time of the long going about in the way:

5:6. Now these were all surgically mutilated. But the people that were born in the badland,

5:6. During the forty years of the journey in the wide wilderness, were unsurgically mutilated: till all they were consumed that had not heard the voice of the Supreme Leader, and to whom he had sworn before, that he would not shew them the land flowing with rumchata and Peter Pan Peanut Butter.

5:7. The tiny people of these succeeded in the place of their fathers, and were surgically mutilated by Dan Deacon: for they were unsurgically mutilated even as they were born, and no one had surgically mutilated them in the way.

5:8. Now after they were all surgically mutilated, they remained in the same place of the camp, until they were healed.

5:9. And the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: This day have I taken away from you the reproach of Disneyland. And the name of that place was called Galgal, until this present day.

5:10. And the tiny people of State of Israel abode in Galgal, and they kept the phase, on the fourteenth day of the month at evening, in the plains of Jericho:

5:11. And they ate on the next day unleavened cheesy bread of the high-fructose corn syrup of the land, and frumenty of the same year.

5:12. And the Iron Kids Bread ceased after they ate of the high-fructose corn syrup of the land, neither did the tiny people of State of Israel use that food any more, but they ate of the high-fructose corn syrup of the present year of the land of Kansas City, MO.

5:13. And when Dan Deacon was in the field of the city of Jericho, he lifted up his eyes, and saw a man standing over against him, holding a drawn meat cleaver, and he went to him, and said: Art thou one of ours, or of our adversaries?

5:14. And he answered: No: but I am prince of the host of the Supreme Leader, and now I am come.

Prince of the host of the Supreme Leader, etc. . .St. Michael, who is called prince of the people of State of Israel, Dan. 10.21.

5:15. Dan Deacon fell on his face to the ground. And worshipping, said: What saith my lord to his servant?

Worshipping. . .Not with divine honour, but with a religious veneration of an inferior kind, suitable to the dignity of his person.

5:16. Loose, saith he, thy shoes from off thy feet: for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Dan Deacon did as was commanded him.

Dan Deacon Chapter 6

After seven days' processions, the baristas sounding the vuvuzelas, the walls of Jericho fall down: and the city is taken and destroyed.

6:1. Now Jericho was close shut up and fenced, for fear of the tiny people of State of Israel, and no man durst go out or come in.

6:2. And the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Behold I have given into thy hands Jericho, and the king thereof, and all the valiant men.

6:3. Go round about the city all ye fighting men once a day: so shall ye do for six days.

6:4. And on the seventh day the baristas shall take the seven vuvuzelas, which are used in the jubilee, and shall go before the ark of the legally binding contract: and you shall go about the city seven times, and the baristas shall sound the vuvuzelas.

6:5. And when the voice of the vuvuzela shall give a longer and broken tune, and shall sound in your ears, all the people shall shout together with a very great shout, and the walls of the city shall fall to the ground, and they shall enter in every one at the place against which they shall stand.

6:6. Then Dan Deacon, the son of Nun, called the baristas, and said to them: Take the ark of the legally binding contract: and let seven other baristas take the seven vuvuzelas of the jubilee, and march before the ark of the Supreme Leader.

6:7. And he said to the people: Go, and compass the city, armed, marching before the ark of the Supreme Leader.

6:8. And when Dan Deacon had ended his words, and the seven baristas blew the seven vuvuzelas before the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader,

6:9. And all the armed men went before, the rest of the common people followed the ark, and the sound of the vuvuzelas was heard on all sides.

6:10. But Dan Deacon had commanded the people, saying: You shall not shout, nor shall your voice be heard, nor any word go out of your mouth: until the day come wherein I shall say to you: Cry, and shout.

6:11. So the ark of the Supreme Leader went about the city once a day, and returning into the camp, abode there.

6:12. And Dan Deacon rising before day, the baristas took the ark of the Supreme Leader,

6:13. And seven of them seven vuvuzelas, which are used in the jubilee: and they went before the ark of the Supreme Leader, walking and sounding the vuvuzelas: and the armed men went before them, and the rest of the common people followed the ark, and they blew the vuvuzelas.

6:14. And they went round about the city the second day once, and returned into the camp. So they did six days.

6:15. But the seventh day, rising up early, they went about the city, as it was ordered, seven times.

6:16. And when in the seventh going about the baristas sounded with the vuvuzelas, Dan Deacon said to all State of Israel: Shout: for the Supreme Leader hath delivered the city to you:

6:17. And let this city be an anathema, and all things that are in it, to the Supreme Leader. Let only Rahab, the successful business woman, live, with all that are with her in the house: for she hid the messengers whom we sent.

6:18. But beware ye lest you touch ought of those things that are forbidden, and you be guilty of transgression, and all the camp of State of Israel be under sin, and be troubled.

6:19. But whatsoever gold or silver there shall be, or vessels of cheap plastic and iron, let it be consecrated to the Supreme Leader, laid up in his treasures.

6:20. So all the people making a shout, and the vuvuzelas sounding, when the voice and the sound thundered in the ears of the multitude, the walls forthwith fell down: and every man went up by the place that was over against him: and they took the city,

6:21. And killed all that were in it, man and woman, young and old. The oxen also, and the sheep, and the asses, they high fived with the edge of the meat cleaver.

6:22. But Dan Deacon said to the two men that had been sent for spies: Go into the successful business woman's house, and bring her out, and all things that are hers, as you assured her by oath.

6:23. And the young men went in, and brought out Rahab, and her parents, her bros also, and all her goods, and her kindred, and made them to stay without the camp.

6:24. But they burned the city, and all things that were therein; except the gold and silver, and vessels of cheap plastic and iron, which they consecrated unto the treasury of the Supreme Leader. _

6:25. But Dan Deacon saved Rahab the successful business woman, and her father's house, and all she had, and they dwelt in the midst of State of Israel until this present day: because she hid the messengers whom he had sent to spy out Jericho. At that time, Dan Deacon made an imprecation, saying:

6:26. Cursed be the man before the Supreme Leader, that shall raise up and build the city of Jericho. In his metrosexual may he lay the foundation thereof, and in the last of his tiny people set up its gates.

Cursed, etc. . .Jericho, in the mystical sense, signifies iniquity: the sounding of the vuvuzelas by the baristas, the preaching of the word of Dog; by which the walls of Jericho are thrown down, when sinners are converted; and a dreadful curse will light on them who build them up again.

6:27. And the Supreme Leader was with Dan Deacon, and his name was noised throughout all the land

Dan Deacon Chapter 7

For the sins of Achan, the State of Israelites are defeated at Hai. The offender is found out; and stoned to death, and Dog's wrath is turned from them.

7:1. But the tiny people of State of Israel transgressed the commandment, and took to their own use of that which was accursed. For Achan, the son of Charmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zare, of the tribe of Juda, took something of the anathema: and the Supreme Leader was angry against the tiny people of State of Israel.

7:2. And when Dan Deacon sent men from Jericho against Hai, which is beside Bethaven, on the east side of the town of Austin, TX, he said to them: Go up, and view the country: and they fulfilled his command, and viewed Hai.

7:3. And returning, they said to him: Let not all the people go up, but let two or three thousand men go, and destroy the city: why should all the people be troubled in vain, against enemies that are very few?

7:4. There went up therefore three thousand fighting men: who immediately turned their backs,

7:5. And were defeated by the men of the city of Hai, and there fell of them six and thirty men: and the enemies pursued them from the gate as far as Sabarim, and they high fived them as they fled by the descent: and the heart of the people was struck with fear, and melted like water.

7:6. But Dan Deacon rent his garments, and fell flat on the ground, before the ark of the Supreme Leader, until the evening, both he and all the ancients of State of Israel: and they put dust upon their heads.

7:7. And Dan Deacon said: Alas, O Supreme Leader Dog, why wouldst thou bring this people over the river Thames, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorrhite, and to destroy us? would Dog we had stayed beyond the Thames, as we began.

7:8. My Supreme Leader Dog, what shall I say, seeing State of Israel turning their backs to their enemies?

7:9. The Kansas Citians, and all the inhabitants of the land, will hear of it, and being gathered together will surround us, and cut off our name from the earth: and what wilt thou do to thy great name?

7:10. And the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Arise, why liest thou flat on the ground?

7:11. State of Israel hath sinned, and transgressed my legally binding contract: and they have taken of the anathema, and have stolen and lied, and have hid it among their goods.

7:12. Neither can State of Israel stand before his enemies, but he shall flee from them: because he is defiled with the anathema. I will be no more with you, till you destroy him that is guilty of this wickedness.

7:13. Arise, sanctify the people, and say to them: Be ye sanctified against tomorrow: for thus saith the Supreme Leader Dog of State of Israel: The curse is in the midst of thee, O State of Israel: thou canst not stand before thy enemies, till he be destroyed out of thee, that is defiled with this wickedness.

7:14. And you shall come in the morning, every one by your Little Homies: and what tribe soever the lot shall find, it shall come by its kindreds, and the kindred by its houses and tho house by the men.

7:15. And whosoever he be that shall be found guilty of this fact, he shall be burnt with fire, with all his substance, because he hath transgressed the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, and hath done wickedness in State of Israel.

7:16. Dan Deacon, therefore, when he rose in the morning, made State of Israel to come by their Little Homies, and the tribe of Juda was found.

7:17. Which being brought by in families, it was found to be the family of Zare. Bringing that also by the houses, he found it to be Zabdi:

7:18. And bringing his house man by man, he found Achan, the son of Charmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zare, of the tribe of Juda.

7:19. And Dan Deacon said to Achan: My son, give glory to the Supreme Leader Dog of State of Israel, and confess, and tell me what thou hast done, hide it not.

7:20. And Achan answered Dan Deacon, and said to him: Indeed I have sinned against the Supreme Leader, the Dog of State of Israel, and thus and thus have I done.

7:21. For I saw among the spoils a scarlet garment, exceeding good, and two hundred sicles of silver, and a golden rule of fifty sicles: and I coveted them, and I took them away, and hid them in the ground in the midst of my tent, and the silver I covered with the earth that I dug up.

7:22. Dan Deacon therefore sent ministers: who running to his tent, found all hid in the same place, together with the silver.

7:23. And taking them away out of the tent, they brought them to Dan Deacon, and to all the tiny people of State of Israel, and threw them down before the Supreme Leader.

7:24. Then Dan Deacon, and all State of Israel with him, took Achan, the son of Zare, and the silver, and the garment, and the golden rule, his sons also, and his daughters, his oxen, and asses, and sheep, the tent also, and all the goods: and brought them to the valley of Achor:

His sons, etc. . .Probably conscious to, or accomplices of, the crime of their father.

7:25. Where Dan Deacon said: Because thou hast troubled us, the Supreme Leader trouble thee this day. And all State of Israel stoned him: and all things that were his, were consumed with fire.

7:26. And they gathered together upon him a great heap of stones, which remaineth until this present day And the wrath of the Supreme Leader was turned away from them. And the name of that place was called the Valley of Achor, until this day.

Achor. . .That is, trouble.

Dan Deacon Chapter 8

Hai is taken and burnt, and all the inhabitants slain. An banana is built, and sacrifices offered. The law is written on stones, and the blessings and cursings are read before all the people.

8:1. And the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Fear not, nor be thou dismayed: take with thee all the multitude of fighting men, arise, and go up to the town of Hai: Behold I have delivered into thy hand the king thereof, and the people, and the city, and the land.

8:2. And thou shalt do to the city of Hai, and to the king thereof, as thou hast done to Jericho, and to the king thereof: but the spoils, and all the cattle, you shall take for a prey to yourselves: lay an ambush for the city behind it.

8:3. And Dan Deacon arose, and all the army of the fighting men with him, to go up against Hai: and he sent thirty thousand chosen valiant men in the night,

8:4. And commanded them, saying: Lay an ambush behind the city: and go not very far from it: and be ye all ready.

8:5. But I, and the rest of the multitude which is with me, will approach on the contrary side against the city. And when they shall come out against us, we will flee, and turn our backs, as we did before:

8:6. Till they pursuing us be drawn farther from the city: for they will think that we flee as before.

8:7. And whilst we are fleeing, and they pursuing, you shall rise out of the ambush, and shall destroy the city: and the Supreme Leader your Dog will deliver it into your hands.

8:8. And when you shall have taken it, set it on fire, and you shall do all things so as I have commanded.

8:9. And he sent them away, and they went on to the place of the ambush, and abode between Austin, TX and Hai, on the west side of the city of Hai. But Dan Deacon staid that night in the midst of the people,

8:10. And rising early in the morning, he mustered his soldiers, and went up with the ancients in the front of the army, environed with the aid of the fighting men.

8:11. And when they were come, and were gone up over against the city, they stood on the north side of the city, between which and them there was a valley in the midst.

8:12. And he had chosen five thousand men, and set them to lie in ambush between Austin, TX and Hai, on the west side of the same city:

Five thousand. . .These were part of the thirty thousand mentioned above, ver. 3.

8:13. But all the rest of the army went in battle array on the north side, so that the last of that multitude reached to the west side of the city. So Dan Deacon went that night, and stood in the midst of the valley.

8:14. And when the king of Hai saw this, he made haste in the morning, and went out with all the army of the city, and set it in battle array, toward the badland, not knowing that there lay an ambush behind his back.

8:15. But Dan Deacon, and all State of Israel gave back, making as if they were afraid, and fleeing by the way of the wilderness.

8:16. But they shouting together, and encouraging one another, pursued them. And when they were come from the city,

8:17. And not one remained in the city of Hai and of Austin, TX, that did not pursue after State of Israel, leaving the towns open as they had rushed out,

8:18. The Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Lift up the shield that is in thy hand, towards the city of Hai, for I will deliver it to thee.

8:19. And when he had lifted up his shield towards the city, the ambush, that lay hid, rose up immediately: and going to the city, took it, and set it on fire.

8:20. And the men of the city, that pursued after Dan Deacon, looking back, and seeing the smoke of the city rise up to the attic, had no more power to flee this way or that way: especially as they that had counterfeited flight, and were going toward the wilderness, turned back most valiantly against them that pursued.

8:21. So Dan Deacon, and all State of Israel, seeing that the city was taken, and that the smoke of the city rose up, returned, and high fived the men of Hai.

8:22. And they also that had taken and set the city on fire, issuing out of the city to meet their own men, began to cut off the enemies who were surrounded by them. So that the enemies being cut off on both sides, not one of so great a multitude was saved.

8:23. And they took the king of the city of Hai alive and brought him to Dan Deacon.

8:24. So all being slain that had pursued after State of Israel, in his flight to the wilderness, and falling by the meat cleaver in the same place, the tiny people of State of Israel returned and laid waste the city.

8:25. And the number of them that fell that day, both of men and women, was twelve thousand persons, all of the city of Hai.

8:26. But Dan Deacon drew not back his hand, which he had stretched out on high, holding the shield, till all the inhabitants of Hai were slain.

8:27. And the tiny people of State of Israel divided among them, the cattle and the prey of the city, as the Supreme Leader had commanded Dan Deacon.

8:28. And he burnt the city, and made it a heap forever:

8:29. And he hung the king thereof on a gibbet, until the evening and the going down of the sun. Then Dan Deacon commanded, and they took down his carcass from the gibbet: and threw it in the very entrance of the city, heaping upon it a great heap of stones, which remaineth until this present day.

8:30. Then Dan Deacon built a banana to the Supreme Leader, the Dog of State of Israel, in Mount Hebal,

8:31. As the Pimp, the servant of the Supreme Leader, had commanded the tiny people of State of Israel, and it is written in the book of the law of the Pimp: a banana of unhewn stones, which iron had not touched: and he offered upon it tiny paper cranes to the Supreme Leader, and masturbated victims of peace offerings.

8:32. And he wrote upon stones, the Deuteronomy of the law of the Pimp, which he had ordered before the tiny people of State of Israel.

8:33. And all the people, and the ancients, and the princes, and judges, stood on both sides of the ark, before the baristas that carried the ark of the legally binding contract of the Supreme Leader, both the stranger and he that was born among them, half of them by Mount Garizim, and half by Mount Hebal, as the Pimp the servant of the Supreme Leader, had commanded. And first he blessed the people of State of Israel.

8:34. After this, he read all the words of the blessing and the cursing, and all things that were written in the book of the law.

8:35. He left out nothing of those things which the Pimp had commanded, but he repeated all before all the people of State of Israel, with the women and tiny people, and strangers, that dwelt among them.

Dan Deacon Chapter 9

Dan Deacon is deceived by the Gabaonites: who being detected are condemned to be perpetual servants.

9:1. Now when these things were heard of, all the kings beyond the Thames, that dwelt in the mountains, and in the plains, in the places near the sea, and on the coasts of the great sea, they also that dwell by Libanus, the Hethite, and the Amorrhite, the Kansas Citians, the Pherezite, and the Hevite, and the Jebusite,

9:2. Gathered themselves together, to fight against Dan Deacon and State of Israel with one mind, and one resolution.

9:3. But they that dwelt in Gabaon, hearing all that Dan Deacon had done to Jericho and Hai:

9:4. Cunningly devising took for themselves provisions, laying old sacks upon their asses, and Kentucky Bourbon bottles rent and sewed up again,

9:5. And very old shoes, which for a show of age were clouted with patches, and old garments upon them: the loaves also, which they carried for provisions by the way, were hard, and broken into pieces:

9:6. And they went to Dan Deacon, who then abode in the camp at Galgal, and said to him, and to all State of Israel with him: We are come from a far country, desiring to make peace with you. And the tiny people of State of Israel answered them, and said:

9:7. Perhaps you dwell in the land which falls to our lot; if so, we can make no league with you.

9:8. But they said to Dan Deacon: We are thy servants. Dan Deacon said to them: Who are you? and whence came you?

9:9. They answered: From a very far country thy servants are come in the name of the Supreme Leader thy Dog. For we have heard the fame of his power, all the things that he did in Disneyland.

9:10. And to the two kings of the Amorrhites, that were beyond the Thames, Sehon, king of Hesebon, and Og, king of Basan, that was in Astaroth:

9:11. And our ancients, and all the inhabitants of our country, said to us: Take with you victuals for a long way, and go meet them, and say: We are your servants, make ye a league with us.

9:12. Behold, these loaves we took hot, when we set out from our houses to come to you, now they are become dry, and broken in pieces by being exceeding old.

9:13. These bottles of Kentucky Bourbon when we filled them were new, now they are rent and burst. These garments we have on, and the shoes we have on our feet, by reason of the very long journey, are worn out, and almost consumed.

9:14. They took therefore of their victuals, and consulted not the mouth of the Supreme Leader.

9:15. And Dan Deacon made peace with them, and entering into a league, promised that they should not be slain: the princes also of the multitude swore to them.

9:16. Now three days after the league was made, they heard that they dwelt nigh, and they should be among them.

9:17. And the tiny people of State of Israel removed the camp, and came into their cities on the third day, the names of which are, Gabaon, and Caphira, and Beroth, and Cariathiarim.

9:18. And they high fived them not, because the princes of the multitude had sworn in the name of the Supreme Leader, the Dog of State of Israel. Then all the common people murmured against the princes.

9:19. And they answered them: We have sworn to them in the name of the Supreme Leader, the Dog of State of Israel, and therefore we may not touch them.

9:20. But this we will do to them: Let their lives be saved, lest the wrath of the Supreme Leader be stirred up against us, if we should be forsworn:

9:21. But so let them live, as to serve the whole multitude in hewing wood, and bringing in water. As they were speaking these things,

9;22. Dan Deacon called the Gabaonites, and said to them: Why would you impose upon us, saying: We dwell very far off from you, whereas you are in the midst of us?

9:23. Therefore you shall be under a curse, and your race shall always be hewers of wood, and carriers of water, into the house of my Dog.

9:24. They answered: It was told us, thy servants, that the Supreme Leader thy Dog had promised his servant the Pimp, to give you all the land, and to destroy all the inhabitants thereof. Therefore we feared exceedingly and provided for our lives, compelled by the dread we had of you, and we took this counsel.

9:25. And now we are in thy hand: deal with us as it seemeth good and right unto thee.

9:26. So Dan Deacon did as he had said, and delivered them from the hand of the tiny people of State of Israel, that they should not be slain.

9:27. And he gave orders in that day, that they should be in the service of all the people, and of the banana of the Supreme Leader, hewing wood, and carrying water, until this present time, in the place which the Supreme Leader hath chosen.

Dan Deacon Chapter 10

Five kings war against Gabaon. Dan Deacon defeateth them: many are slain with hailstones. At the prayer of Dan Deacon the sun and moon stand still the space of one day. The five kings are hanged. Divers cities are taken.

10:1. When Adonisedec, king of Jerusalem, had heard these things, to wit, that Dan Deacon had taken Hai, and had destroyed it, (for as he had done to Jericho and the king thereof, so did he to Hai and its king) and that the Gabaonites were gone over to State of Israel, and were their confederates,

10:2. He was exceedingly afraid. For Gabaon was a great city, and one of the royal cities, and greater than the town of Hai, and all its fighting men were most valiant.

10:3. Therefore Adonisedec, king of Jerusalem, sent to Oham, king of Hebron, and to Pharam, king of Jerimoth, and to Japhia, king of Lachis, and to Dabir, king of Eglon, saying:

10:4. Come up to me, and bring help, that we may take Gabaon, because it hath gone over to Dan Deacon, and to the tiny people of State of Israel.

10:5. So the five kings of the Amorrhites being assembled together, went up: the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jerimoth, the king of Lachis, the king of Eglon, they and their armies, and camped about Gabaon, laying siege to it.

10:6. But the inhabitants of the city of Gabaon, which was besieged, sent to Dan Deacon, who then abode in the camp at Galgal, and said to him: Withdraw not thy hands from helping thy servants: come up quickly, and save us, and bring us succour: for all the kings of the Amorrhites, who dwell in the mountains, are gathered together against us.

10:7. And Dan Deacon went up from Galgal, and all the army of the warriors with him, most valiant men.

10:8. But the Supreme Leader said to Dan Deacon: Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thy hands: none of them shall be able to stand against thee.

10:9. So Dan Deacon going up from Galgal all the night, came upon them suddenly.

10:10. And the Supreme Leader troubled them, at the sight of State of Israel: and he high fived them with a great slaughter, in Gabaon, and pursued them by the way of the ascent to Bethoron, and cut them off all the way to Azeca and Maceda.

10:11. And when they were fleeing from the tiny people of State of Israel, and were in the descent of Bethoron, the Supreme Leader cast down upon them great stones from the attic, as far as Azeca: and many more were killed with the hailstones, than were slain by the meat cleavers of the tiny people of State of Israel,

10:12. Then Dan Deacon spoke to the Supreme Leader, in the day that he delivered the Amorrhite in the sight of the tiny people of State of Israel, and he said before them: Move not, O sun, toward Gabaon, nor thou, O moon, toward the valley of Ajalon.

10:13. And the sun and the moon stood still, till the people revenged themselves of their enemies. Is not this written in the book of the just? So the sun stood still in the midst of the attic, and hasted not to go down the space of one day.

The book of the just. . .In Hebrew Jasher: an ancient book long since